Every once and awhile, we do thing so silly, so awkward, so klutzy that in hindsight, we just hope no one was looking. Or filming us and later posting it on YouTube. A few weeks ago I was running into my local grocery store, getting soaked with rain, as one of my flip flops flew off and I nearly fell flat onto my face. In a puddle. I quickly collected myself and looked around, blushing, hoping that no one had seen me.
Today I was outside of my apartment, weeding. Yes, this is something that a landlord should do, but when you live in a giant apartment and pay ridiculously low rent, you just don’t complain. Like every genius, I picked the hottest day of the summer to weed, and quickly soaked through my shirt and shorts. Quiet simply, I was a disgusting, sweaty mess. But that has very little to do with my story.
As I happily weeded and hummed Travis McCoy feat. Bruno Mars’ Billionaire to myself (yes, Joshrico, I know the song is garbage, but I like it and it’s been stuck in my head for days), I heard a buzzing in my ear. A bee? It certainly was! Now I’m not the type of person that’s ever afraid of bugs — and bees are no exception. Lots of people scream and run, swat at them and burst out into tears. That’s not me! I’m a manly man! I swearz!
So anyway, this bee would NOT leave me alone! It kept landing on me, smelling my sweet body odor and nuzzling up a little too high on my thigh for my liking. Didn’t even buy me dinner first! I kept swatting it away and walking away from its buzz-zone. But after a few flirtations, this bee decided to force itself upon me. I was raped stung! And it hurt like a sonofabitch!
My eyes turned red. I was filled with rage. I forgot I was vegan. Aren’t bees supposed to die when they sting you?! Cuz this little asshole didn’t die at all. He started to fly away; was probably going to brag to all his boys about his latest score. No. Fuckin’. Way. I ran at the bee, again losing a flip flop, grabbed my broom and began to swing. Yes, ladies and gentleman, I was running around my yard, wearing one flip flop, swinging a broom back and forth through the air. I don’t remember exactly, but I was probably screaming like Arnold Schwarzenegger while I did it. At one point, I hit the ground so hard with the broom that the head broke completely off.
I don’t think I ever killed that bee. A few moments later, my rage subsided and I began to wonder if I’d blow up like Martin Short in Pure Luck. Did I need an EpiPen?! The last time I recall being stung by a bee was probably 20 years ago. But alas, I was fine. The sting was so minor that I could barely even find it on my arm. I quickly surveyed the neighbor’s yards and windows. To the best of my knowledge, no one had seen my ridiculous episode. Another YouTube sensation avoided. I hope…