One of my nieces entered double digits this past Saturday. This phrase makes me feel very happy and very old. However, one of the great by-products of having nieces is getting to buy them all the gifts my little gay boy heart desired when I was a child. Everything is pastel colored and has hair that can be combed and braided. It is wonderful! As her Uncle I also got to examine the gifts she got. She exclaimed with joy when she got her very first American Girl doll and then yelped again when she realized that my parents had gotten her the doll that is commonly referred to as a Hippie. My niece screeched, ” she’s a hippie just like me!” I absolutely love that my niece describes herself as a hippie and I also love that it most likely makes my father’s blood boil!
Amongst all the other gifts my niece received was her very own Jacob from Twilight doll. She is apparently on Team Jacob, which bothers me because I want her to have better taste. She is only ten so I’m giving her a pass on that. I examined the doll rather closely and, as you can see from these crude cellphone quality photos, they did a great job of capturing Taylor Lautner’s puggish face. They also captured his six-pack abs quite well. They were hard to notice since the doll came without a shirt all together. I touched his hair and found that Taylor Lautner’s hair feels like boar’s hair with way too much gel in it. Someone should get him a new stylist.
Also, as a flappychap, I couldn’t resist the opportunity to remove his clothes. I have said in the past that I never turn down the opportunity to see a supposedly hot man naked just to make a full evaluation. I struggled to unbutton his shorts and started to wonder if they were in fact sewn shut to cover up some weird aspect of Taylor’s anatomy. I put all my oompf into it and was finally able to unsnap his shorts. Victory! I was going to see Taylor Lautner without a stitch of clothing. Imagine my surprise when I discover that the stud that everyone keeps talking about is a eunuch. He has absolutely no genitalia. No p33n, no Vajayjay. Just nothing. I now know why Taylor Swift dumped his ass, well other than the fact that he is totally a bigger homo than me.
So tell all your friends that you know the secret that Taylor Lautner has in his pants. And don’t forget that you learned it here, okay?