Yesterday, after drinking my normal gallon of coffee, I smelled my fingers. For some reason, maybe the oodles of caffeine or maybe the lack of real food, I smelled my fingers. To me they smelled like feet. I turned to my coworker and stated “my hands smell like feet.” She laughed in an “oh my god you are so crazy don’t kill me” way and then went back to her work. I started to wonder why my hands smelled like feet. I have decent hygiene. I shower regularly, with soap even. As a resident of New York City who takes mass transit daily, I either wash my hands or use hand sanitizer frequently. It is not an OCD thing; it’s a not getting swine flu thing.
After the elimination of cleanliness as a cause of the smell, I started to wonder if something in my diet was oozing out of my hands making them smell like feet. I do love cheese and some people seem to think that cheese smells like feet. What if my consumption of cheese was to blame? I guess I would just have to live with foot-smelly hands for the rest of my life since I have no intentions of ever removing cheese products from my diet. However, my cheese intake has not increased in recent days. I therefore must remove that from the list of potential causes.
Naturally, the next most likely cause of podiatric smells emanating from the my manual area is cancer. But what kind of cancer causes that to happen? I searched through my television memories for an episode of “ER” where someone comes into the hospital with a papercut on his left index finger and Dr Green smells feet leading to a diagnosis of cancer of the esophagus, but there was no such episode. I then did what no one should ever do when faced with a potential medical mystery: googling. Hypochondria is on the rise due to the wealth of medical information available to the average person through the internet. I know. I dated a guy with this disease and he was all about the crazy diagnoses he read online. After typing “my hands smell like feet” into the search engine, I found that some woman’s husband had this issue and that some person was worried about their dog’s feet [sic] (they are called paws, people!) smelled like corn chips. I did not find any type of cancer that causes your hands to smell like feet.
What if my hands didn’t smell like feet at all? What if this was all in my head or was some form of olfactoryhallucination? I got scared that I was developing a weird mental disorder that would cause me to walk on my hands all the time. I have terrible balance, so this is my worst nightmare. Besides I would never find shoes that would fit correctly.
In the end, I decided that I should probably stop focusing so much time on why my hands smelled like feet. I went back to work and forgot all about it until I came home and wrote this post. I still don’t know why my hands smelled like feet, but I do know a lot of ways to procrastinate.