Competitive Superbattle Climax Extreme!!!

What does it take to be an American Idol?  Talent?  A sexy bod?  Boobs?  An amazing singing voice?  Great hair?  Attitude?  Nice teeth?  A fancy microphone stand?  Stage presence?  A lot of luck?

We’re about to find out.  After nine seasons and about one billion thousand hundred million trillion episodes, this season of American Idol is about to draw to a close.  This week the show is live from the giant NOKIA Theatre in Los Angeles.  And it’s all down to this.  Last night we saw the final performance episode of the season, and tonight we’ll crown the new king or queen of Idol.  And not only will we say hello to the next winner, we’ll also bid farewell to Simon Cowell.  And after Lost‘s finale on Sunday, I’m not sure if I can take so much drama in a single week.  But before I start to cry again … let’s take a look at last night’s performances.

In round one, Lee and Crystal re-sang their favorite song from the season.  Up first, my husband chose to sing The Boxer by Simon & Garfunkel.  It sounded as good as, or better than his original performance.  Perfect song choice; it was one of his best of the season.  Loved it.  Kara: “I wanna see you come even more.” A

Sourbox was up next with Me and Bobby McGee [most famously performed] by Janis Joplin.  A great performance!  I really wish that I was more familiar with the song, because I feel like that would make me appreciate the tune even more.  Sourbox sounded great and looked like a mess.  … And I love her for it! B+

In round two, the contestants sang a song of executive producer Simon Fuller’s choosing.  His choice for Lee?  R.E.M.’s Everybody Hurts. I love the song, and its video is my favorite of all time.  But … I didn’t love Lee’s performance.  It wasn’t bad, per say … but it just wasn’t as good as the original.  The bongo drums were kind of annoying and the backup choir singers were awfully unnecessary.  Seriously, why does Idol always add a choir?!  B-

Sourbox followed with Alannah Myles’ Black Velvet.  Sexy!  Wow, this song turned Crystal into a sexy, sultry diva!  I really love when Crystal makes the choice to go guitar-less.  It gives her a chance to move around the stage and rely on her most talented instrument — her voice!  Those pipes were on fire!  Loved it.  A

In the final round, the contestants sang their soon-to-be released (if they win) song.  For the first time in Idol history, the songs were not [ridiculously awful] originals!  Lee sang U2’s Beautiful Day. I have to admit, I despise U2.  I also have to admit, I love Lee DeWyze.  It’s a creepy ‘Kurt from Glee’ kind of love.  I may fix Lee up with one of my parents, just so he’ll move into the basement with me.  But then he’ll put his underpants on in the shower so I won’t see him naked.  *sigh* A

And finally, in our last judged performance of the season, Crystal sang Patty Griffin’s Up to the Mountain.  It’s a song I’ve never heard before, but it sounded simply amazing.  She was emotional, flawless and just perfect.  Crystal is a performer, and she deserves to be here.  She’s a indisputable talent, and for that, I’m giving her an A+

Who will win?  I really feel like it could go either way.  Before last night, I was sure that it would go to Lee.  But Sourbox fought hard … I only hope it was enough.  Although Lee is my husband, I really feel like Crystal deserves it more.

Since this is my last Idol post of the season, I’d like to leave you with a few final thoughts.

Simon Cowell. He’s the soul of American Idol, and I’m afraid of what the show will become without him.  His harsh criticisms and brutal honesty will truly be missed.  No one will ever tweak their nipples and scratch their face with their middle finger the same.

Ellen DeGeneres. I love, love, love her — but she did nothing for the show.  A joke and smile does not a judge make.

Kara DeGuuuusomething. All she did all season was lay on top of Simon and try to fill the void of the Paula/Simon sexual tension.  It didn’t work.

Ryan Seacrest. Please stop saying that Lee worked in a paint shop. WE KNOW.

Glee. Kurt is too creepy, how about a friendly gay?!  Rachel — you’ve been dreaming of singing with your mom, and your first pick is Poker Face?!  Oh wait, this isn’t about Idol!  Oops!

Pants on the Ground. We’ll see you tomorrow night!

Paula. We’ll also see you tomorrow night!

Next Season. Hire someone who’s not nice.  Someone who has opinions and isn’t afraid to be hated.  Howard Stern isn’t as bad a choice as everyone thinks he is.  Fire Ellen and Kara, and replace them with Elton John.  Randy can stay, he’s harmless.  Three judges is enough.  Ryan can stay.  Mix up the rules a bit, change the age limit, and add a rule that says you can’t sing a song that has ever been performed on Idol before.  And please, please, please come up with some better theme weeks.

American Idol. I love you more than I hate you.  Plus this year, you introduced me to the love of my life!  Thanks!  Can’t wait to see what you look like in January 2011!

Vote for Chrystal!

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3 thoughts on “Competitive Superbattle Climax Extreme!!!”

  1. I think Crystal did a better job. Lee sounded off tonight. Maybe it was nerves. Sorry Lee. See, Adam – now he can run to you for some comforting : ).

    I think Harry Connick Jr. would be a great judge. I was impressed with his mentoring, and he had a good sense of humor. Or they could ask me. I could be the new Simon (we often agree) – and for half the price!

    I guess I don’t really care who they get. I’ll be watching the X factor instead.

    And no Sue on Glee. Boo.

  2. I hate to say it but Lee was not very good last night. I really liked his earlier performance of “The Boxer” but last night it was flat and boring. And I’m sorry, Adam, but the REM song was a terrible choice for the finale. NONE of Lee’s song said superstar…while Crystal knocked everyone one of them out of the park by elevating everyday normal songs that didn’t necessarily have umpf…and making them rock.

    However…on judges I think we mainly agree. I think that I wouldn’t mind something tragic happening to Randy…cuz he’s just ANNOYING and USELESS. So…if you are getting rid of Ellen cuz she’s useles…lets take down Randy too. So..in conclusion…the only really wortwhile judges are Adam & Mikey of Cocky & Rude. I think we should call the producers and let them know.

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