What Would You Do?

As a person who often associates with unsavory characters, I am often regaled with unusual stories. In this new feature, I will present a story to you, and then ask: What Would You Do? Some of the names and details of this story have been changed to protect the innocent … and the guilty.

The Case of the Bubbling Bladder and the Defecating Doggy

It’s three o’clock in the morning, and my friend Gertrude has been awaken by the whining of her dog. It seems that Fluffy has an upset stomach, and is about to explode from her nether regions with a geyser of diarrhea rainbows. Gerty throws on some clothes and dashes out the door with her pup. Surrounded by windows in her condo community, they find a spot of grass and Fluffy is relieved to begin her business.

Fluffy isn’t a normal dog. She’s overly clingy and so attached to Gertrude that the thought of separation throws her into a panic. Fluffy has been known to get sick with worry if Gertrude even closes herself into her bedroom without her.

It’s a bad night for Fluffy. Gertrude and her dog spend upwards of an hour outside while Fluffy seems to endlessly squirt with brown horribleness. And as the minutes go by, Gertrude is faced with a problem of her own. A growing urge from within becomes stronger and stronger. Gertrude has to urinate. Badly.

Knowing that she cannot possibly bring Fluffy back into the house without painting the walls brown, Gerty weighs her options. She cannot tie Fluffy to a tree and dash into the house for a minute — Fluffy would likely uproot a redwood to stay with her owner. It’s nearly four o’clock in the morning and there’s no one to help her.

Gertrude knows that she cannot hold it any longer, and finds herself faced with only two options. She can pee in her pants, under the cover of darkness, but forever live with the shame of knowing that she soggied her britches. Or she can pull her pants down and pee along side of her defecating doggy, sparing her pants, but chancing the wandering eyes of a neighborhood insomniac.

Gertrude chose the latter.

What would you do? Would you wet your pants? Expose your lady parts under the cover of darkness? Or do you have a better idea?

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8 thoughts on “What Would You Do?”

  1. I have man parts, an evolutionary advantage to peeing outside. With that said, if given the same constraints as Gertrude, I would have peed outside.

  2. What John said, absolutely and without question.

    What exactly do you mean by unsavory characters? Because I’ve never seen you hanging out around my workplace.

  3. Well, not having man parts, squatting in the front yard is a bit more exposed, but yeah, if it’s that or dog crap all over the walls, I’ll take a chance and find a bush.

    1. I second this! And after that day, I’d send that dog back to the pound and get a cat so they can use their litter box at any time of day and not inconvenience me.

  4. My littledog usually has to go in the middle of the night, but he’s also sweet and gives me loving doggie kisses. And he’ll probably die young because if his horrible genetic disease, so I deal with it.

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