Have you ever had a nasty throat infection, a cold, an explosive STD or some other horrific disease, and just didn’t feel like posting to your blog? (By the way, I think I have #1 or #2, certainly not #3 or #4.) Unfortunately, you’ve made this crazy commitment to yourself and the world that you’d post a new, quality entry at least once EVERY day. Oh wait, is that just me? I wish other bloggers would post more often…
So anyway, I’m sitting here thinking about what I should write while filling tissues with gallons of mucus and sucking crunching on lozenges to ease my awful sore throat. Is it possible to cough so hard, loud and continuously that you actually just fall over and die? I’m not sure, but I’ll let you know. When I was a kid, we called lozenges, “losengers” — pronounced loss-en-gers. Did anyone else do that? I also horrifically mispronounced “coupons” (cue-pons … it should be coo-pons). And because my parents sucked at teaching me how to speak the English language, my teachers sent me off to elementary school speech class. Suddenly my world was populated by trees instead of “twees” and car tires were made out of rubber instead of “wubber.”
Speech class was always fun because it meant that you got to skip out of class to go to a special room and practice your words. We’d listen to recordings and verbally identify objects that were sketched on cards. I always figured everyone was jealous that I got to leave class when they had to keep working on boring crap like math, but they all probably made fun of the kid who couldn’t speak and called me dumb. I was a weird kid, and had no idea that the whole class probably shared a hearty chuckle at the stupid kid every time I left the room.
A few years passed, my speech was deemed socially acceptable and I was booted from special help. Suddenly I was normal and the only kids that got to skip out of class were the really “special” kids and the ones who were considered “gifted and talented.” What the hell is “gifted and talented” and why wasn’t I ever invited?! I was far more gifted and talented than any of those snooty shmucks. Those assholes! (Maybe I was never invited because my way of dealing with jealousy is to spew profanity at anyone willing to listen? Nah, that couldn’t be it.)
Ever since my speech class days, I’ve been a little OCD over pronunciation and proper grammar. It drives me CRAZY when people mispronounce simple words! My father adds an “a” to the end of words that should end with an “o” (tomata, potata), and an “ee” to the end of the days of the week (Mondee, Tuesdee, Wednesdee, Thursdee, *KABLAMO* my head just exploded). My mother randomly says words incorrectly (most notably are mirror, which is “mira” and water, which is “wudder”). I have a coworker who is seemingly educated, but constantly throws around her double negatives (I don’t want to do none of that work!). Every once and a while, I even catch myself making a mistake (when and why did I start replacing “probably” with “pry” and “prolly” and how can I make myself stop?!)
Like many of my bloggy brethren, I majored in English in college, which served only to made my craziness worse. But am I really as crazy as I think I am? Does anyone else notice this stuff as much as I do? Lemme know. Right now, I gotta go blow my nose again. The thing is like a faucet that just won’t turn off. Ugh.