Adam Whizzes a Stream of Consciousness

Have you ever had a nasty throat infection, a cold, an explosive STD or some other horrific disease, and just didn’t feel like posting to your blog?  (By the way, I think I have #1 or #2, certainly not #3 or #4.)  Unfortunately, you’ve made this crazy commitment to yourself and the world that you’d post a new, quality entry at least once EVERY day.  Oh wait, is that just me?  I wish other bloggers would post more often…

So anyway, I’m sitting here thinking about what I should write while filling tissues with gallons of mucus and sucking crunching on lozenges to ease my awful sore throat.  Is it possible to cough so hard, loud and continuously that you actually just fall over and die?  I’m not sure, but I’ll let you know.  When I was a kid, we called lozenges, “losengers”  — pronounced loss-en-gers.  Did anyone else do that?  I also horrifically mispronounced “coupons” (cue-pons … it should be coo-pons).  And because my parents sucked at teaching me how to speak the English language, my teachers sent me off to elementary school speech class.  Suddenly my world was populated by trees instead of “twees” and car tires were made out of rubber instead of “wubber.”

Speech class was always fun because it meant that you got to skip out of class to go to a special room and practice your words.  We’d listen to recordings and verbally identify objects that were sketched on cards.  I always figured everyone was jealous that I got to leave class when they had to keep working on boring crap like math, but they all probably made fun of the kid who couldn’t speak and called me dumb.  I was a weird kid, and had no idea that the whole class probably shared a hearty chuckle at the stupid kid every time I left the room.

A few years passed, my speech was deemed socially acceptable and I was booted from special help.  Suddenly I was normal and the only kids that got to skip out of class were the really “special” kids and the ones who were considered “gifted and talented.”  What the hell is “gifted and talented” and why wasn’t I ever invited?!  I was far more gifted and talented than any of those snooty shmucks.  Those assholes!  (Maybe I was never invited because my way of dealing with jealousy is to spew profanity at anyone willing to listen?  Nah, that couldn’t be it.)

Ever since my speech class days, I’ve been a little OCD over pronunciation and proper grammar.  It drives me CRAZY when people mispronounce simple words!  My father adds an “a” to the end of words that should end with an “o” (tomata, potata), and an “ee” to the end of the days of the week (Mondee, Tuesdee, Wednesdee, Thursdee, *KABLAMO* my head just exploded).  My mother randomly says words incorrectly (most notably are mirror, which is “mira” and water, which is “wudder”).  I have a coworker who is seemingly educated, but constantly throws around her double negatives (I don’t want to do none of that work!).  Every once and a while, I even catch myself making a mistake (when and why did I start replacing “probably” with “pry” and “prolly” and how can I make myself stop?!)

Like many of my bloggy brethren, I majored in English in college, which served only to made my craziness worse.  But am I really as crazy as I think I am?  Does anyone else notice this stuff as much as I do?  Lemme know.  Right now, I gotta go blow my nose again.  The thing is like a faucet that just won’t turn off.  Ugh.

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9 thoughts on “Adam Whizzes a Stream of Consciousness”

  1. Ugh. Sounds awful. A friend of mine in Florida and her grandson had that, his turned into pneumonia so be careful.

    I am not an English major (and I post everyday or try – technically you are only posting every other day so stop whining) but some things make me crazy. An author I know posted a diatribe about using the phrase “I could care less”. Well, if you could care LESS then you care somewhat now. Isn’t that defeating the purpose of your snark? Then is the house kitty corner or katty corner or catty corner or what the hell? I grew up with kitty corner, now I’m paranoid about it all. Sigh. Those are the things that make me crazy.

    Is your Mom from Boston? I just bought a short story set there and they talk like that in the book. Makes me crazy. Don’t they speak English?

    1. I’m convinced that it’s just a throat infection, so I’m self-medicating with leftover antibiotics, Advil and Emergen-C. 🙂

      Nah, my mom is from NJ, but she says some words with the Boston accent. What’s even more funny is that when she’s telling a story and gets excited, she breaks into the intonations of a valley girl. Go figure.

      I grew up with katty corner! I’ll have to Google and see what’s right. Yesterday I was trying to figure out if it was “tattletail” or “tattletale” — can’t this silly language just be easier?!

      1. ADAM! you should always use antibiotics until they are gone!
        a) you need to make sure the infection is totally dead
        b) they expire!!!!

        oh…and if you have a cold antibiotics won’t do jack…

      2. Jeez mom, chill. These are fairly new antibiotics that are left over from when I used to have to take them for my ticker before going to the dentist. I don’t have to do that anymore … so they really are leftover. And I told u that it’s a throat infection, not a cold. Pay attention!

  2. UGH!!! I can totally identify with this post, Adam! My father insists that there is an “r” in the word “Washington.” My brothers and I were all “WTF?” over that….

    He also has issues saying things that contain the letter “x” for some reason. He said “xanadu” this last weekend because it had something to do with football and he pronounced it “icks-and-you.”

    Now..my mother has this extremely odd habit of pronouncing things that end in the letters “oil” like “earl”. I grew up hearing things like “bearl the water and then add a little earl to it.” it was quite terrifying…why was my mom trying to scald royalty?

  3. Just because I’m postponing doing any work, I looked up “kitty-corner” (with a hyphen) which means diagonally as we all know and a synonym is “cattycorner” (one word) or “catercorner” (which I’ve never heard of). And because one can never have too much etymylogical knowledge: (from “World Wide Words”)

    It has lots of variant forms, such as catercorner, kitty-cornered, cata-cornered, and cater-cornered.

    The first part comes from the French word quatre, four. It’s actually quite an old expression that first appeared in English as the name for the four in dice, soon Anglicised to cater. The standard placement of the four dots at the corners of a square almost certainly introduced the idea of diagonals. From this came a verb cater, to place something diagonally opposite another or to move diagonally, which can be found in the sixteenth century. Some English dialects had it as an adverb in compounds such as caterways or caterwise. By the early years of the nineteenth century it was beginning to be recorded in the USA in the compound form of cater-cornered. It had by then lost any link with the French word; people invented spellings in attempts to make sense of it, often thinking it had something to do with cats, which is why we have forms like kitty-corner.

    My work here is done. Go forther and caterwaul about catercorners.

  4. I always new there was something special about you!

    Maybe you should rethink the posting every day (especially when you’re sick). I don’t want you to burn out and post every blue moon (like some bloggers…).

    In the words of Kit De Luca, prostitute extraordinaire, “Take care of you!”.

  5. I live in the land of butchered language and I will admit to butchering some of it myself.

    Growing up in New England, I say “ka” instead of “car” and I “paak” it instead of “park” it and I have, at one time or another referred to Zombie Jesus day as “Eastah”. However, I’m not horrendous. I don’t add “r”s to anything (Warshington makes me nuts as does umbreller). The one that annoys me the most is “supposably” instead of “supposedly”.

    Oh and I second what Mikey said about antibiotics and such.

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