The very common English idiom “don’t judge a book by its cover” is a metaphorical phrase which means “don’t determine the worth of something based on its appearance”. Well fu¢k you, Wikipedia, because that’s exactly what we’re doing! As we did with the boys, Mikey and I have ordered the ladies of American Idol: Season 9, based solely on looks. Forget the talent, forget the stage presence, forget it all. Let’s judge these oddly accessorized book covers (featuring awful earring, crazy headbands and terrible necklaces)!
Cliché-ing her way all the way to #1 is Janell Wheeler! She’s blonde, she’s pretty and she has the look of a long lost cast member of The Hills. Let’s hope her performances aren’t as scripted!
Crybaby Didi Benami is #2. We knew this girl would stop crying eventually … and now that she has, she’s pretty! But Didi, dry your tears and sing, because nobody likes a crybaby. Oh, and lose that AWFUL earring!
At #3 is Katie Stevens. She’s the poor man’s Leighton Meester! Couldn’t you just see her sparring with Ed Westwick?
Headbanning her way to #4 is Katelyn Epperly! Seriously, Kate — what’s with that awful headband?! It’s hardly taming that rats nest of a hairdo! Fire your stylist, fast! While you do that, we’ll do our best to ignore that Photoshopped-away right arm.
Paige Miles is #5. With such a forced smile, those crazy “I’m gunna murder you” eyes and that Five Below blue peace sign necklace … Paige is just a little creepy.
At #6 and #7 are Michelle Delamor and Ashley Rodriguez. I’m sorry girls, but your looks are just too forgettable. You’re both just too middle of the road.
At #8 and #9 are Lacey Brown and Siobhan Magnus. Ladies, you are anything BUT forgettable … but not in a good way. Last time I checked, it’s 2010! What’s going on with you two?! I don’t even know where to start!
Lilly Scott is #10. If Katie Stevens is our Leighton Meester, then Lilly Scott is our Taylor Momsen. The hair, the dark eye makeup, the earrings … I don’t even know where to start. I’m thinking that you need an Extreme Makeover (featuring a drugged out Ty Pennington, gallons of tears and a whole town screaming ‘MOVE THAT BUS!’) if you wanna climb our ladder. Until then, XOXO, Little J.
#11 is Haley Vaughn. In the immoral words of Randy Jackson, “It just doesn’t work for me, dawg.”
Wrapping us up at #12 is Crystal Bowersox. Crystal… I’m loving your Melissa Etheridge sound and what I’m guessing is a crunchy granola hippy mentality. But while your voice and politics may knock my sox off, in a contest of looks, … please wash your hair!
So what do you think? Is Janell Wheeler driving her way to your heart? Did we get it completely wrong? Sing us a song in the comments!