Our third week is complete! Today our contestants celebrate three weeks into the cockiest and rudest weight loss competition evahhhh! It’s Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser 3!
Exercise is an important part of every weight-loss regimen. This week, the contestants were invited to tell us how they’ve exercised to help attain their weight-loss goals. Here’s what they said:
Mikey
The only exercise I have been able to get in the past two weeks has been walking to/from work, walking the dog, playing with the dog, and COUGHING. However, since my diet changes have resulted in my weight loss leveling off and since I am finally able to move around without hacking up a corner of my lungs, I am instituting an exercise regimen. I will be doing 30-45 min of cardio every other day for the near future. May my ass disappear.
Tam
The picture says it all. I really have not focused at all on exercise. I have really only been seriously participating in this challenge for about 10 days because of my trip, so right now I’m just paying attention to what I eat and how much of it. I’ve been faithfully logging my in-take on Spark People and I think for right now I need to focus on that until it becomes more second nature. If I starting thinking I must do this, and this, and this, I’m likely to do none of it. So that’s my rationale for sitting my ass on the couch and doing nothing.
Ryan
The majority of my exercise is walking. Commuting to work gives me a baseline of twelve miles each week. I’ve also started using a walk tracking app on my phone. I love it because I can take a spontaneous path and not have to worry about remembering every detour when I map the route when I get home. I’ve also been doing some calisthenics, but I haven’t been disciplined about it. Usually, it amounts to doing some pushups while my oatmeal is cooking if I don’t have any dishes to wash.
Adam
I’ve been a lazy piece of shit for the past week. I’m paying for a gym membership … I really need to go to the gym. Ugh. But I’m just so damn lazy. bloooooooooooooooooob. Maybe my arm muscles will get bigger if I buy heavier forks. And spoons.
Polt
This week we’re supposed to talk about exercise. I don’t feel the need to change my exercise regime, as I was getting quite a bit of exercise before we started. I mean, several times in an evening, I had to drag my fat ass off the couch, ya know, to get something to eat, or to pee or whatever. And at least once a day, I have to roll my fat ass outta bed…NOT an easy thing to do, I assure you. So as long as I keep working out like that, I should do really well.
TwoPi
Slow and steady wins the race! Unless you’re pedaling on a stationary bike, that is. Or not, as I’ve been lately. I couldn’t find the “Add dust and cobwebs” filter in Photoshop… but the actual stationary bike and elliptical machine sitting in my attic are gathering more dust than sweat these days. I’ve been struggling with hip and back trouble for months, and at the moment my most strenuous activity is walking (when I’m able) and physical therapy (when I’m good and I remember). But I know I’ve got the equipment waiting there to be dusted off, and surely some day…
Michelle M.
I haven’t exercised at all. I’VE BEEN SICK! I did get my hula hoop, Thighmaster, in-line skates and dumbbells out of the garage for this photo, so that should count for something. Other exercise I haven’t been doing: walking around the lake, riding my bike and Zumba (which I intend to buy/do one day, so that should also count for something).
Mr. Sombrero
Mr. Sombrero has been feeling a bit under the weather past few days and he had to skip a few classes. But on a good week his exercise regimen consist of yoga, calisthenics, and ton, like 7 miles a day, of walking. And somehow I still don’t see the results fast enough. Damn you quesadillas!!!
And now the week’s results:
Stay tuned each Thursday for the stunning weight-loss success stories of our eight contestants. Who will win this year’s competition? Find out on May 31st … just in time for bikini season!
Autumn began last Friday, September 23rd. With its cool, crisp weather and stunning natural beauty, autumn is the perfect time of year to enjoy the great outdoors. From weekend trips to local recreation, opportunities for fall fun abound! What have you done in the autumn? Let’s find out.
The rules are simple: For each question that you answer ‘yes’ to, give yourself a single point. When you reach the end of the quiz, add up your points and post your total in the comments.
Have you ever?!1. Have you ever raked leaves?
2. Have you ever jumped into a pile of leaves?
3. Have you ever gone apple picking?
4. Have you ever consumed warm apple cider?
5. Have you ever made caramel apples?
6. Have you ever gone pumpkin picking?
7. Have you ever baked a pumpkin pie from scratch?
8. Have you ever planted mums in the autumn?
9. Have you ever purchased and decorated with gourds?
10. Have you ever hung Indian corn on your front door?
11. Have you ever made a scarecrow?
12. Have you ever decorated and filled a cornucopia?
13. Have you ever decorate the outside of your home with hay bales and/or corn stalks?
14. Have you ever driven more than an hour away just to see some beautiful fall foliage?
15. Have you ever gone for a hike in the autumn?
16. Have you ever gone camping in the autumn?
17. Have you ever warmed up next to a campfire in the autumn?
18. Have you ever posed for a photo in front of colorful fall foliage?
19. Have you ever gone to a haunted house?
20. Have you ever gone on a hayride?
21. Have you ever gone to a corn maze?
22. Have you ever gone to a harvest festival?
23. Have you ever dressed like a pilgrim?
24. Have you ever spent a Sunday watching football?
25. Have you ever debated whether or not “autumn” is a better word than “fall”?
Tell us your total and your exciting upcoming autumn plans in the comments.
Summer is a time of warm weather, happiness and fun in the sun. And what better way to start this new season than with a Have You Ever?! quiz? Today’s quiz is a little different than what you’re used to. Instead of asking you about all of the unsavory things that you’ve done during the summertime, we’re going to ask you about all the wonderful and whimsical summer activities that you’ve experienced over the years. Let’s get started.
The rules are the same: For each question that you answer ‘yes’ to, give yourself a single point. When you reach the end of the quiz, add up your points and post your total in the comments.
Have You Ever?!1. Have you ever flown a kite?
2. Have you ever ridden a swing as an adult?
3. Have you ever picked a bouquet of wildflowers?
4. Have you ever took a nap in a grassy field?
5. Have you ever sat under a tree and read a book?
6. Have you ever caught a jar full of lightning bugs?
7. Have you ever enjoyed a firework show?
8. Have you ever seen a drive-in movie?
9. Have you ever gotten up early and watched the sunrise?
10. Have you ever spent an evening under the stars naming constellations?
11. Have you ever slept under the stars?
12. Have you ever gone camping in a tent?
13. Have you ever gone to the bathroom outdoors?
14. Have you ever made ice cream from scratch?
15. Have you ever had a watermelon seed spitting contest?
16. Have you ever gone skinny-dipping?
17. Have you ever participated in a water fight?
18. Have you ever gone swimming in a river or lake?
19. Have you ever gone fishing and caught a fish?
20. Have you ever ran through a sprinkler?
21. Have you ever skipped stones across water?
22. Have you ever built a sand castle?
23. Have you ever been buried in the sand?
24. Have you ever walked barefoot through grass?
25. Have you ever biked more than 20 miles in one day?
Now tell us your total in the comments. Are you afraid your score is a little too low? You have all summer to add more points to your total. Get started today!
The week is coming to a close. Finally! The weather is also starting to warm up here on the Western shores of the Atlantic Ocean. So I am in the mood for a five. The world is full of amazing things to celebrate this week, but I’m brining you just five of them.
What Shia Said to Adam
First entry on this week’s five is really more about Adam than anything else. When Adam was a wee, young single lad, he had an obsessive crush on Shia LaBeouf. If you visited Adam’s apartment during this time, it looked to be uninhabitable cave comprised entirely of pictures of the the young star. Adam’s world came to a crashing halt when Shia sent him this video in response to a proposal of marriage.
Tina Fey’s Daughter
Tina Fey is awesome. This is fact. It should therefore come as no surprise that her daughter is also awesome. Earlier this week, this photo arrived on the internet and caused a sensation. A meme was born and this site has compiled some of the best variations on this little bad-ass’s swagger.
The Los Angeles Times
When the GOP governors announced their plans for economic recovery, the LA Times didn’t miss a beat. They were right on top of the breaking story and they reported the basic facts fairly and honestly. Click this link to see how they plan to save America.
Czech Prez
We all know that pens are hard to come by these days. The economy sucks and we all can’t afford all the luxurious things we want. But things in the Czech Republic must have gotten really awful. The president of that illustrious nation was captured on film stealing a pen from the President of Chile.
Doctor Who Cast reads Tweets
Have you heard that I LOVE Doctor Who? No…well I do. And in a little over a week Doctor Who will be back on the airwaves. The cast was recently touring in NYC to promote the series 5 dvds and the impending release of series 6. While in town, they were asked to read some tweets by famous and infamous Americans in American accents. Hilarity ensued. Check out the clip on buzzfeed to see how truly awesome they all are.
There you have the five awesomest things I found this week: Shia says No, Tina Fey’s Daughter, the LA Times, Sticky Fingers McCzech, and the Cast of Doctor Who reads tweets! I hope your list can compare. Share it in the comments.
I realized a few weeks ago that from a certain spot in my parking lot, I can see my landlord’s computer screen. I was so excited! I couldn’t wait to see what kind of porn (girls? boys? horses? fatties? fisting?) that he was into. But after a few weeks of spying, I’ve come to the realization that all he ever does is play solitaire. He’s exactly like my father, and most of the other old people (40+) that I know. The computer is simply a new way to play card games.
Old people, I’m here to help you. There are better things to do with your computer! The Internet is a wide and wondrous place. Here are some suggestions to get you started…
E-mail Your Friends & Family
Why? Because it’s cheaper than a toll call! (Old people usually don’t believe that free in-network mobile phone calls are actually free.) You’ll especially enjoy forwarding bad jokes, religious stories, hoaxes that you are convinced are real, and sharing photos with your family. Please note that old people usually don’t attach photos to an email correctly, so receivers will never see them.
Chat With Your Family
Instead of emailing, why not just IM them? There are a variety of options: Google Talk, AIM, Yahoo! Messenger, etc. Each one of them is easy to use and won’t time out when you only type about one word a minute. Where is the ‘s’ again? I’m sure your family is patient and won’t mind that you type so slow. Oh, and Skype is out of the question, because old people will never understand how to set up a microphone and web cam.
Catch Up On The News
You’re old, so you’re probably a Republican. The best news site for you is FoxNews.com! They offer a fair and balanced version of the news that’s usually not exactly true, but true enough to get you all riled up against those damn liberals! Your favorite person, Sarah Palin is even on the payroll! Check daily for the latest on how heath care reform will cause you to be instantly euthanized and up-to-the-minute information about how Barack Obama was not born in the United States.
Stay On Top Of The Weather
Old people love the weather. A chance of rain or snow is enough of a reason to stay home for days. And when you don’t have much left to live for, it’s important to know the temperature highs and lows for the day. Make sure to send daily emails to your kids and grandkids, reminding them to wear a coat today!
Porn, Porn & More Porn!
Old people’s penises and vajayjays are saggy and old. They wrinkle up like prunes (which on a side-note, are great for avoiding constipation!) and drag on the ground. Don’t get me started on wispy gray pubic hair. It’s just disgusting. Porn is a great way to remember how your body used to look. And what better place to find porn than on the Internet?
It’s Hookup Time!
And why stop at porn? The Internet is a great place for old people to find romance or just hook up with other old folks. And with the advent of Viagra and Cialis, old guys never have to worry about under-preforming and stage fright. eHarmony.com is great if you’re looking for romance (and they don’t let the queers in either!), but sites like AshleyMadison.com are great if you’re just looking to bang some old married people, and still make it home in time for Wheel of Fortune.
Print Out Some Coupons
The only thing better than sex is saving money. And with websites like Coupons.com, you don’t even have to worry about hobbling with your walker to end of the driveway to pick up the newspaper anymore. You can sit on your Duro-Med Rubber Inflatable Seat Cushion Ring and print coupons straight from the computer! As long as you can figure out how to use that damn printer!
Google Your Favorite Subjects
You’re old, so you’re probably all about history (because you were there when it happened). Why not Google your favorite topics? I suggest searching for topics like “World War I” or “Back when I had a pet dinosaur.” Or why not just use Google as an address bar? Wanna go to Facebook? Search for “Facebook.com” or why not try searching Google for “Google.com”? Old people LOVE to do that.
Map Your Family Tree
Old people love reconnecting and remembering their long lost relatives. Why not use a site like Ancestry.com to map a family tree? Or how about Classmates.com to find a few of your still-living classmates? Both sites cost money, and for some reason, old people are surprising willing to pay for these services. Just don’t be there a month later when the credit card bill shows up. They’ll have that foamy pad on the telephone speaker pressed hard against their hearing aid as they scream at the credit card company representative to take the charge of their bill.
Stalk Your Family On Facebook
Facebook, you say? That’s where I disapprovingly look at photos of my grandson Adam jamming vegetables down his pants. He thinks it’s funny. I think it’s disgusting! Old people love stalking their family on Facebook. They’d stalk their friends too, but they’re all dead.
Old people are great, and they love computers. With this helpful list, hopefully they can make the most out of their final few years on the planet. Do you have any suggestions of your own? Add to my list in the comments!
The boys of Cocky & Rude love the lead up to Zombie Jesus Day a lot. Adam gets to eat all the vegan candy he can find and Mikey gets to make fun of Adam for eating vegan candy, which sounds just plain gross. We also get to talk about all the stuff that we are going to give up for Lent. We have no idea why we or anyone are supposed to give stuff up for the period between Mardi Gras and ZJD, but they do. Here is what we are giving up this year.
Adam: I’m not going to Be (Fake) Nice To My Coworkers anymore. No more polite smiles. And I will no longer bite my tongue and listen to you babble about the weather.
Mikey: I’m not going to Tell People I’m Giving Up Catholicism for Lent. I never really had it and frankly the joke has gotten tired.
Adam: I’m going to give up Weight Loss. It’s overrated, I’m happier when I’m fat, and you people already kicked me out of Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser 2.
Mikey: I’m not going to Say that I’m Fat. It might be horribly true, but I’m not going to tell anyone how super sized I have become or how few of my clothes fit me.
Adam: I’m also giving up Being Nice To People. It takes too much effort and it’s easier to be rude. Plus when I’m rude to people, it’s free advertising for Cocky & Rude.
Mikey: I’m not going to Apologize to People I Bump Into on the Subway. When I do, they look at me like my apology is the offensive part.
Adam: No more Being A Courteous Driver for me! If you’re driving too slow and I’m stuck behind you, please prepare for me to honk at you. If you’re driving stupid, I will give you the finger.
Mikey: No more Whining About How Few Comments I get. It is your own damn fault that you are missing an opportunity to interact with the greatest mind of my generation. Suit yourself.
Adam: I will no longer Help Little Old Ladies Cross The Street. Not that I’ve ever helped a little old lady before, but if I see one, I will most definitely push them to the ground and step on them.
Mikey: I am finished Helping Tourists Get Around the City. They just need to shut up, buy a map and get the hell out of my way. I’m serious. German? Get Away! Italian? Mop off the grease and get off the street.
Adam: Forget Waiting My Turn At The Supermarket! I’m now just going to mow everyone down with my shopping cart. If you’re between me and my produce, I’m going to hurt you.
Mikey: I’m not going to Stop Quoting 30 Rock all the time. The show is incredibly brilliant and the humor can not be contained. I will continue to work on my night cheese.
Adam: Street runners beware! I will no longer refrain from Rolling My Window Down And Screaming At You Like A Lady. Oh wait, I’ve never refrained from doing this. Is that weird? I scream a high pitched wail at the same large-chested man in a tight t-shirt at least once a week.
Mikey: I’m not going to Stop talking about How Amazing Cheese is. It is the best substance ever. I love chocolate lots, but cheese is the best thing that ever happened to anyone including you.
Adam: That’s it for Covering My Mouth And Nose When I Cough And Sneeze! My germs are awesome, and from now on, I’m going to share them with all of you!
Mikey: I’m not going to Wash My Clothes. I hate doing laundry and I think that the fake god wants me to not do it, so I won’t. I might smell by the end of Lent, but I’ll be happy.
Adam: I’m also giving up Watching My Language Around Children. They’re going to hear some fucking curse words somewhere, so they might as well fucking hear them from me.
Mikey: I’m not going to Stop Making Goo Goo Sounds at Dogs on the Street. I don’t care if your think it makes me sound like a crazy person or immature. Dogs are cute and deserve to know it.
Adam: No more Making Fun Of You Behind Your Back for me! Now I’m just going to make fun of you to your face. And it’s gunna be brutal.
Mikey: I’m not going to Complain to Adam about his continuing to Watch American Idol. He watches a lot more shows that I will tease him about. I bet he still watches that one about those doctors who don’t really know anything about medicine other than how to sexually harass each other in the on call room.
Now that you know what good boys we plan to be, let us know what you are going to give up this Lent. We will accept all answers as a contract between you and the Lord. (For the purposes of this blog, Cocky & Rude is the Lord).
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SICK.
This past week I have been sick, sick, sick. I haven’t been this sick since I taught preschool (where I got sick on a weekly basis). The sickness started with chills, fatigue and nausea and a fever. Then the coughing started. So I went to the store, got some cold medicine, came home and conked out. Being sick stinks. Sure, you get to stay home and laze around, but you can’t really enjoy it if you’re coughing up a lung. There are some things that make it bearable, though. Here are a few of mine:
Canada Dry Ginger ale with ice (or 7up in a pinch, but not Schweppes, that stuff is nasty)
Clean sheets
Orange Popsicles (the ones made with real juice)
Granny Smith apple slices
my hot water bottle
Saltine Crackers
Homemade chicken noodle soup
A stack of library books
Television
Honey Lemon cough drops (cherry is disgusting)
I don’t have one of these, but it would certainly come in handy…
And a little TLC
Those are some of the things that make me feel better when I’m under the weather. What makes you feel better when you’re sick? Would you rather have someone take care of you, or do you like to be left alone? Let me know in comments!
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