Our eighth week is complete! Today our contestants celebrate eight weeks into the cockiest and rudest weight loss competition evahhhh! It’s Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser 3!
People say that you should never sweat the small stuff. But sometimes it’s the little things that drive us crazy. This week we asked each of our contestants what one (or more) ‘little things’ are that bother them. Maybe it’s their blobby fat that hangs over their waist band, or the way that diet food always seems to taste awful. Here’s what they said:
Tam
When you say little things, I’ll take it literally. Why are little things so fattening? It’s only a few peanuts. They’re miniature M&Ms. It’s just dried cranberries. All of them JAMMED with calories (in addition to good things). All small food should have small calories. If you eat a huge burger, big calories. Tiny cookies, tiny calories. Why are these things not logical?
Mr. Sombrero
There are few things that bother Mr Sombrero. Number one is the scale. It hasn’t moved in weeks. What the frak scale?! I thought we were in this together?! Did Adam put you up to this? [no response] Whatever. Another thing that bothers Mr Sombrero is his full length mirror. I don’t like what I’m seeing. Yes I’m talking to you mirror. Don’t give me that fat look. You know what else bothers Mr S? That kid that lost his cupcakes. Yeah that Ryan kid. Showoff. I think I’ve seen some of his cupcakes hanging around my scale. And another thing, what is up with veggie farts. I mean seriously, enough is enough. And do they have to smell like hipster’s wool hat on a hot and humid urban August afternoon? Yeah these are some of my (least) favorite things…
Ryan
I’m getting tired of tracking everything. It’s the key to my success so far, but it gets really frustrating whenever I eat something outside of my normal routine. The uncertainty of how much food something contains can make planning the rest of the day pointless. This leads me to rely mostly on whether I feel hungry, but this leads to the temptation to let myself have what I want to eat even if I shouldn’t.
Michelle M.
One of the little things I hate is being a girl and trying to lose weight. It’s hard to stay on track when you automatically put on up to 5 pounds of water weight each month. You think you’re being good and the WHAM the numbers on the scale jump up. It’s so discouraging. And craving sugar and salty snacks doesn’t help. Stupid hormones.
TwoPi
What irritates me the most is having to pay attention to the bathroom scale once a week. Bad enough having to stand on the darned thing, which naturally gives out a little creaking noise, as in “Oh my GOHD how many of you ARE there?” Then there’s a number, which is never the number I remember from when I was in high school (roughly the last time in my life I stood on a bathroom scale on a regular basis). And finally, there’s the blasted comparison of this week’s number with last week’s number. Ugh. I feel like a schoolboy who just got called in front of the class and didn’t do his homework. Bleh.
Mikey
The little things I hate are the way my shirts fit and the way that my pants fit. I feel like ALL of my shirts are too small and I float around like the pink iceberg named Fat Betty. My pants however are loose enough that I need a belt, but my belt doesn’t have a hole at the right spot….so they are constantly sagging and showing my ample rear.
Adam A little thing that I hate? Clothes that don’t fit. I’ve gained some weight in the last year — and now the shirts I wore last year aren’t fitting. Why can’t someone design clothing that grows with you? Or maybe I should just buy every available size of shirts that I like. That way one of ‘em will always fit! Think of all the plaid!!!
Polt
So this week we’re talking about the little things we hate. Writing these blurbs each week can be a pain, but I’ll not mention that. And I thought I’d actually have to force myself to be taking walks, but I find I enjoy them, and frankly, feel a bit guilty when I don’t take one at least every other day. No, I think what irritates me the most about this diet thing, is the lack of variety in the food I’m eating. I’m eating all the meat and veggies I want (not that I want, or even eat all that many), but after awhile, I’ve just gotten sick of steak. I’d really like to have a sub and some chips, or a big plate of steaming hot pasta and meatballs, or a huge greasy slice of pizza…but I cant. Steak and salad for me…thank you very much. Ah well, in the end it’ll be worth it, right?
And now the week’s results:
Stay tuned each Thursday for the stunning weight-loss success stories of our eight contestants. Who will win this year’s competition? Find out on May 31st … just in time for bikini season!
It’s Thursday, and you know what that means … it’s time for another edition of everyone’s favorite weight loss competition: Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser 2! This week we’ve invited Lindsay Lohan along for the ride! It’s a true honor to have superstar Ms. Lohan with us today because she might be going to jail very soon. This week Lindsay asked each of the players how they’re feeling and if they’re sick of the competition. Here’s what they had to say…
Adam: I’m not sick of this contest, actually just the opposite! I’m finally almost over my cold from last week, and I’m ready to kick some ass. I’ve had a itch to exercise, so I might actually get off my ass once or twice in the next week. I hope that I don’t get voted off this week, cuz I don’t wanna lose (yet)!
Fdot:
1. There once was a boy named FDot.
Every week he lost weight on the spot.
But to type up a blurb,
Every week was absurd.
So this time he thought he would not.
2. So a poem he would write in its stead,
Then go eat a sandwich without any bread.
But he wishes he could choose
That for the weight to lose
He could go eat some Hershey’s instead.
Jere: Fuck me. After working until 11pm yesterday, I had to be at school an hour early today to make up for one of our snow days. That means 3 solid hours of Income Tax law. There is nothing about exceptions to the deductibility of interest on loans under section 62 of the tax code that should be spoken of prior to my morning coffee. I’m pretty sure my professor was just making up words for about 15 minutes. Amortization? Like I’m going to believe that’s a thing. Anyway, yeah, so I got out of that class and went straight to the gym where the cute guys look away uncomfortably when they catch me staring at them. And in the middle of my run, I notice a banner at the bottom of CNN on the screen attached to the treadmill next to me “Obama Announces Administration will No Longer Defend Marriage Act.” Well, I almost fell off my fucking treadmill as I scrambled to plug my earphones into the gym machine and figure out which channel was CNN. Then, as they started going on and on about Libya again, I noticed that I was going to be late to my table time for my job as a rep for one of the bar preparation companies, so I barely had time to shower and eat lunch (literally) on the run back to school. Then I finished up my shift at the table with about 60 minutes to completely rewrite my direct examination of this witness for our trial advocacy competition and I’m getting fucking sassed on Facebook because I haven’t sent in my blurb. Bitchez.
Mr. Sombrero: Ay ay ay… I LOVE this competition for keeping us motivated and the fact that everyone, well most are doing such a good job. The weight loss progress for me is slow (damn you oreos!) but consistent (yay zumba!). Tuesdays are really good, because all that nagging about having to submit the blurbs and weigh yourself the next day stops me from eating junk food.
Mush: I don’t hate this competition. In fact, it’s good for me. Dieting is boring and hard and it sucks, but it’s much better to suffer with others. I don’t know if my last remaining shred of self-discipline will survive the end of the contest. Without Adam and Mikey bitching at me every Wednesday to WAKE UP and WEIGH MYSELF ALREADY, I don’t know that I’d bother to do either. Counting calories has become second nature to me, but all I want to do lately is EAT MORE. My twelve hundred calorie days are over, replaced with fifteen hundred calorie days. Which is probably where I’m supposed to me for the entire rest of my life. GACK.
Paul: I love this competition! I feel great, one day this week I ate some stuff I shouldn’t have and felt so bad after and realized that I had felt that bad most of the time. I have lost 3 inches off my waist and will soon be in need of new clothes, well ok, just start wearing the clothes I had before I started packing it on. By the time I reach my goal weight I will be wearing parachute pants and a Members Only jacket.
Ryan: I’m still loving this competition. I been managing to lose weight steadily without making myself miserable. I plan to keep this up even after the competition is over. However, I worry about this next week. Going to a conference this weekend means that I will be eating out a lot without access to my tracking tools to help me stay on course.
And now, this week’s results:
And now, like every week it’s time to eliminate a player. Here’s how it works: just like American Idol, you vote for the team that you want to save. The team with the least votes will be eliminated. Polls close around Noon (EST) on Saturday.
Lindsay says, “Congratulations to everyone!”
Don’t forget to vote, and feel free to discuss this week’s results in the comments!
Ladies and gentlemen, it’s game-changer week! This week, all contestants will leave their teams behind and start playing as individuals. And until the end of the contest, on each elimination, we’ll only say goodbye to one player. This week we asked each of our contestants how they’re feeling now that they’ve dropped the dead weight of their ex-teammate. Here’s what they had to say:
(Oh, and I apologize for the lack of graphics. Most of the contestants didn’t submit them and I am too ill to make them myself this week. Blerg!) (But Mikey wasn’t…so he took to MS Paint and created some photos for everyone) Adam: Mr. Sombrero! Where is my Mr. Sombrero!? I Miss Youuuu! While it’s sad to see all of our partners go, this is the week that will which of the teammates have been working harder. And while I know that I’ll place a little higher than my beloved boyfriend, I also know that I haven’t been trying hard enough. Candy, cookies, soft pretzels = they’re all still on the menu. But not any longer! And as soon as I get over this nasty gold (*cough* *sneeze* *uuuggghhhh*), I’m going to double down and beat you all! FDot: Thank Goodness. I don’t think I could have taken another week with my partner. The phone calls asking me for my calorie count for the day. The text messages about watching out for saturated fats. The emails about who was the best Doctor Who villain. It was like living in a police state. I was scared to go outside for fear that a spy camera was waiting to snap a picture of me eating a Tootsie Roll. I can now finally eat a Pringle without fear of reprisal. And for the record, I need 4000 calories a day to maintain my current levels of machismo; saturated fats are what makes food taste good; and the Zygons. Jere:“Sometimes I wonder where I’ve been / Who I am / Do I fit in. / Make believin’ is hard alone, / Out here on my own / We’re always provin’ who we are / Always reachin’ for the / risin’ star / To guide me far / And shine me home / Out here on my own / When I’m down and feelin’ blue / I close my eyes so I can be with you / Oh, baby, be strong for me / Baby, belong to me / Help me through / Help me need you / Until the morning sun appears / Making light of all my fears / I dry the tears / I’ve never shown / Out here on my own / When I’m down and feelin’ blue / I close my eyes so I can be with you / Oh, baby, be strong for me / Baby, belong to me / Help me through / Help me need you / Sometimes I wonder where I’ve been / Who I am / Do I fit in / I may not win / But I can’t be thrown / Out here on my own / On my own.”
Mr. Sombrero: Well now that Mr. Gingy and I are no longer a team, I am sure I have no chance of winning this thing. He already left me in the dust. And to get a head start, last week he gave me a ton of chocolates and candy (cleverly cloaked as a v-day gift) hoping that I would gain all the weight back. Sneaky, sneaky… However, I was saved by another lesson of Zumba and was able to actually lose weight from the last weigh-in. Just not sure if it’ll be enough to keep me in the game. Aaaaaaand…. 1, 2, 3, 4… get your booty off the floor…
Mush: I’m proud and pleased to announce that the water weight has gone! I’m back in the game! I was super freaked when I got on the scale last week and had gained 5 pounds of water, because until it went away I didn’t know it was water, did I? No, I didn’t. I had to spend a week thinking that maybe I was just getting fat for no reason! LOSING MY PARTNER WILL SUCK. The best part of this contest has been having an awesome teammate who was really into the competition and who has been trying really hard to reach his goal. I’m not looking forward to being split up at all and I hate it. If I don’t win I want Ryan to win! Paul: I will miss being on a team with FDot in ways that cannot be described, he is the creator of our team name and a wonderful person. We have never been up for elimination and even though he has been eating parts of himself he has been losing weight. Now that I’m on my own I’m going to win this contest, too bad there aren’t any prizes, I will need some new clothes. My doctor has said that I need to lose 25% of my body weight, all you skinny bitches could only hope to do that through amputation. Watch out, I have only just begun! Polt: Hmm, well, since I’m the dead weight on our team, I think you should ask Jere how it feels to be rid of me. But now that we’re separate, all of Jere’s hard work carrying me will become evident. Now I’ll have to lay off the deep fried butter sticks cause Jere won’t be there to mask it. Ryan: I’m going to miss being partnered with Mush. We somehow managed to anti-correlate our weight loss so that when I was slow she would pick up her pace and the other way around. Now that we are apart, I shall spend my days metabolically pushing my food away and wandering the cliffs at night. How will I lose weight now?
How did our contestants do this week? It’s time to find out!
And now, like every week it’s time to eliminate a player. Here’s how it works: just like American Idol, you vote for the team that you want to save. The team with the least votes will be eliminated. Polls close around Noon (EST) on Saturday.
Our eighth week is complete! Today our contestants celebrate eight weeks into the cockiest and rudest weight loss competition evahhhh! It’s Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser 3!
are doing such a good job. The weight loss progress for me is slow (damn you oreos!) but consistent (yay zumba!). Tuesdays are really good, because all that nagging about having to submit the blurbs and weigh yourself the next day stops me from eating junk food. 
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