Did you hear the news?! Andy Cohen, Bravo’s Executive Vice-President of Original Programming and Development has been FIRED!* My sources say that it was something to do with his smarmy attitude, giant teeth and lazy eye. I guess that people just couldn’t stand him anymore! In his absence, the Bravo Television Network has hired ME to develop a whole new slate of reality programming for the network. And who better to star in my new reality shows, than all my friends? Behold, Bravo’s new season of shows:
Mikey’s Getting Married! – A show that follows Mikey and Jeopardy! Champion Ty as they plan their nuptials. Episodes will focus on each detail of the wedding planning process, including an episode where their Save The Date card goes through 18 revisions before it is ready to send. The first season will culminate with a wedding, and season two will be retitled: Mikey’s Ever After.
Queen of Smut – This show follows the ultimate Queen of Smut, Tam, as she explores the world of M/M Slash Fiction. Tam travels the world to create the ultimate international collection of gay smut fiction, which will be cross-promoted and published by Bravo at the end of the season. Episodes will focus on every detail of the process, including author interviews, cover shoots, behind-the-scenes negotiations and Tam’s drunken exploits in New Orleans.
The Fabulous World of Polt – Polt became a worldwide sensation when he posted a photo of his nude ass online for the world to see. But that’s hardly the (rear) end of his story! Join Polt each week as he explores his fabulous world in search of hookups, obscure Star Trek novels, purple place mats, Superman t-shirts and the ultimate prize: true love.
Michelle Wins Everything – Each week, this game show will feature multiple contestants facing off against Michelle M. in a variety of challenges. The catch? They will never win! Michelle M. is perfect in every way, and will therefore win everything. There’s only one winner in this fantastic new reality game show!
It’s Just Craig – Craig amused us for years with his popular blog, Puntabulous. But then he quit! Is that the end of the story? This new series follows our favorite has-been star, Craig, as he strives to find his new place in the world. Will he return to blogging? Will he live happily ever after with a cardboard cutout of Natalie Portman? You’ll find out in Bravo’s new series: It’s Just Craig.
Mush & Friends – In this blatant rip-off of MTV: Canada & Logo’s hit show, 1 Girl 5 Gays, Bravo’s Mush & Friends is destined to be a hit! Each week, Mush Morgan will sit down with a rotating cast of 5 guests to answer 21 questions about love, life and sex. Panelists expected to appear: Chris D., Enrico, Jere, Jeliot, Josh, Justin, Mel, Mikey, Adam, Polt, Nathan, Justin**, Ryan, VUBOQ, FDot, TwoPi, Ty and M. Nico***!
It’s A Math Math World – TwoPi, Xi_Heather and the rest of their family star in this reality show about their exciting lives in the world of math! Hopefully it’s more exciting than it sounds.
VUBOQ: Vicious Unrepentant Bitter Old Queen - This self-titled series follows VUBOQ as he makes pottery, runs marathons, travels around the country, and has sex with every letter of the alphabet.
Watch What Happens Live with Adam & Michelle – Taking over the reins from the recently terminated Andy Cohen are new co-hosts, Adam and Michelle! Who better to interview all Z-list celebrities than these amazing new Bravo personalities? NO ONE, THAT’S WHO.
Rounding out Bravo’s schedule will be the returning hits: Top Chef, Top Chef: Just Desserts, Flipping Out!, Interior Therapy with Jeff Lewis, Kathy (plus celebrity guests, minus the theme song), Tabatha Takes Over, and a brand new season of the previously cancelled series, Work Out. I’m going to cancel all of the Real Housewives shows and everything else because it’s all just crap.
So what do you think? Will I succeed as the new Executive Vice President of Original Programming and Development, or will I fail? What shows will you watch? And what other shows would you love to see? Tell me all about it in the comments!
*This whole post is a lie!
**Who invited him?!
***He probably won’t show up.
Our first week is complete! Today our contestants celebrate one week into the cockiest and rudest weight loss competition evahhhh! It’s Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser 3!
Everything is easier if there’s a goal & prize in place. This week, the contestants were invited to tell us what they will do to reward themselves when they attain their weight-loss goals. Here’s what they said:
TwoPi
My mid-range goal is to lose 10% and be able to maintain that weight loss. I’m hoping to feel healthier, have better flexibility, and be able to see my doctor without having her recommend yet another fad diet. Most importantly, I don’t want to have to buy new clothes in larger sizes than what I currently wear. So I guess the prize I’m working toward is keeping my current wardrobe intact!
Mikey
My goal is to look hotter than this bitch on my wedding day. I know that’s tall order, but everyone knows I’m a bigger queen than she will ever be. I’m on my way there, too! Despite four events for Ty’s birthday (including one with a 24 course meal), I managed to lose weight this week. I’m attributing it to the flop sweat that broke out due to my extreme anxiety during planning the parties!
Mr. Sombrero
My goal is to lose 11% in this round so I can fit into my old pantalones again.
Michelle M.
Like Tam, My goal is to fit back into my jeans. I have been wearing the same pair (or sweats) for I don’t know how long. I refuse to buy more in a bigger size when I have plenty of good ones in my closet.
Tam
Hmmm. I thought about goals. New clothes? Well, that could be a necessity. Books? Ha! That’s a given. So I decided for every 10 lbs I lose I shall buy myself a lovely bouquet of flowers to remind me of what I’ve achieved. And how many bouquets do I get this week? Blerg. Thanks to traveling and eating out and receptions and booze and pastries … NADA. But I’m home next week where I can get back on the wagon, really. I think I will print out a nice flower pic and paste it to my fridge when I get home. Maybe it will help. One can only hope.
Adam
When I attain my weight-loss goal, I’m going to get a tattoo. Not as extreme as that guy … just something small on my right forearm. I’ve always wanted a tattoo, and this motivation is as good as any finally man-up and get it. Oh, and maybe I’ll go back to being a vegetarian. I’ll reward myself with tattoos and cheese! But not a tattoo of cheese.
Ryan
Whenever I reach a weight milestone, I’m rewarding myself with music. It both motivates me to stay on course with my diet and exercise and makes sure that I put thought into what music I buy. I’ve shown a few options in my photo. PS – I’m pretty sure most of this week’s weight loss was the release of excess water and glycogen from my liver that built up from the conference the weekend before we started.
Polt
So I’m supposed to talk about my “Personal Goal Prize”. Hmm, well when I win the competition, I will have lost enough weight and firmed up enough to be able to wear one of these babies! I’m not sure WHERE I’d wear it, but that’s beside the point, cause looking like that, I’m sure I’ll find no shortage of places that would WANT me to wear it! And I do hope the pouch comes in various sizes, cause I’m gonna need a bigger pouch.
And now, the week’s results:
Stay tuned each Thursday for the stunning weight-loss success stories of our nine contestants. Who will win this year’s competition? Find out on May 31st … just in time for bikini season!
Last week, fresh from my vacation, I brought you my five best things about vacations, but sadly summer vacation season is coming to an end and we must once again live in a world where we do not have a sunny week all to ourselves. For every good thing there is a bad thing; and for every good vacation thing, there is a bad vacation thing. Or so I’m told that tranny principle works. Without further ado, I give you the five vacation worsts.
Traveling
I love to go places. I do not love getting there. On my most recent vacation trip I had to deal with the following: cramped bus seats, some dumb girl who insisted on having a loud conversation on her cellphone the ENTIRE bus trip, torrential rain in Delaware, stupid traffic in Delaware, and poor cellphone reception. I was promised that teleportation would be invented by now and I am suing whoever promised that to us. I’m looking at you William Shatner.
Jellyfish & Mole Eating Fish
While on my vacation, we encountered a variety of sea life. Most of which was nice to us. The dolphins or porpoises or whatever were really neat. The two aforementioned varieties were not so nice to us. Two people got stung by the ooey-gooey minions of death that haunt the oceans and I was viciously attacked by a fish that decided my mole was a tasty morsel. All of these attacks were shocking and at least one of them lead to the receiver screeching like a girl. That persons identity will remain nameless to protect their innocence.
Ursula
On the day that the jellyfish descended, one of our beach neighbors rain screaming from the beach dramatically as if she had seen a huge shark eat her kid. All she saw was a jellyfish. Over the next few days, we observed her behaviour and demeanor, which lead to her being nicknamed Ursula based upon her resemblance to that evil woman. She was quite unpleasant to be around. She cursed a blue streak, left her baby unattended in the heat, and fed that same baby beef jerky. I’m very glad that Ariel came to vanquish her with her queefs.
Sunburn
In my earlier post, I waxed poetic about the sun like I have never done before. Well I forgot to mention the sunburn I got in the most random places: my right ear (not both…just the one), the top of my left foot in a weird triangular patch, and just outside my armpits. I hate sunburn. It hurts and makes you feel hot all over. Gross….
The first day back
All of that bad doesn’t really compare to the final worst: returning to work and that first day back. If all the time you relaxed was to be bunched up and flipped inside out to become a walloping ball of stress, that would be your first day back to work. People ask you ten million questions about stuff that you have idea about because you were out of town for a week. Also there is the fact that you can’t sleep in.
The only answer to these worsts is to stay on vacation forever at a beach resort that has no human attacking animals, plenty of shade, and no one resembling a Disney Character. Don’t you agree?
I’ve been driving a Honda Fit for the better part of three years. In that time, I’ve waved to nearly every other Honda Fit driver that I’ve passed in my travels. In my mind, it’s a ‘camaraderie’ sort of thing. We are all driving the same car, so why not say a quick hello to each other? A friendly passing wave, that’s all I want. Drivers of other car makes and models do it. Motorcycles do it … even bicyclers do it.
In three years, I can count on one hand how many return waves I’ve received. My favorite was a lady about six months ago that matched my speed in the lane next to me. With a giant smile, she emphatically waved at me and then pointed to her own car and then to mine. Marveling at fact that we were both driving the same car she… Okay, okay — maybe that lady was crazy. But at least she waved.
Seriously, why won’t they wave to me? Am I detestably ugly? Is it not obvious that we’re driving the same car? Is the average age of a Honda Fit driver too high (and female)? Do people just not do the ‘wave’ thing anymore? What is it? I’m developing a complex! I need to know!! Why do you think people won’t wave to me?!
And while we’re on the topic … have you ever been a car waver? Do people ever wave back?
 | Michelle M. on BC&RL 2013: Part 2 |
 | The Incredibly Shrin… on BC&RL 2013: Part 2 |
 | Mikey on BC&RL 2013: Part 2 |
 | poltguy on BC&RL 2013: Part 2 |
| Michelle M. on BC&RL 2013: Part 2 |
| The Incredibly Shrin… on BC&RL 2013: Part 2 |
| Michelle M. on BC&RL 2013: Part 2 |
| Mikey on BC&RL 2013: Part 2 |
Stuff I daydream about.
Life is harsh. Sometimes the best thing to do is slip into a nice daydream. Here’s just some of the stuff I like to imagine while I’m stargazing, woolgathering or just plain avoiding reality.
My most frequent daydream is of winning the mega millions lottery.
But The Publisher’s Clearing House prize would do just fine. I’m not picky.
After I win my millions, Harry and I will travel. Some of the places I fantasize about going to are Fiji (or any tropical island, really), Santorini, Austria, Australia, The U.K., Copenhagen and Belgium (I hear they make a good french fry…).
I like to pretend that I’m a ballerina. And not just a ballerina, but a prima ballerina assoluta.
I also like to daydream that I’m a singer/songwriter with a multi-octave range.
Here I am performing at one of my sold out concerts.
One of my favorite sports is figure skating. I like to imagine what music I would skate to, what costumes I would wear and what it would feel like to win an Olympic gold medal (in my head I have also won the gold in equestrian events, diving, skiing and gymnastics).
Have you heard? I’m (supposed to be) writing a novel. Of course, I like to think it will be a #1 best selling book. It will, of course, be optioned for a movie. And I’ll have so much fun traveling around the country staying in 5 star hotels and doing book signings. Make sure you come out to see me when I come to a bookstore near you!
Naturally I’ll win a best screenplay Oscar when I adapt my book for film. I’ll receive a standing ovation for my humble and humorous, yet touching acceptance speech.
Once I win the Oscar, maybe they’ll give me a whack at writing that Wonder Woman movie I’ve been waiting for…
All my daydreams aren’t frivolous, though. Sometimes I pretend that I’ve come up with the cure for cancer, paralysis or any other number of illnesses/diseases. The Nobel prize, Time cover for Person of the Year, money and accolades will all be secondary to the knowledge that I am helping the human race.
Some of my daydreams are actually attainable. I often wish that my house was sparkling clean, my laundry and ironing is all done, the cupboards and refrigerator are filled with food, and I’m at my goal weight. Then I can completely relax while watching movies and reading a stack of books guilt-free.
So what do you like to daydream about? Flying to the moon? Scoring the game winning touchdown? Being the homecoming queen? Stealing Mr. Sombrero away from Adam? Let me know in comments!
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