It’s Friday … and that can only mean one thing. It’s time for the Friday Five, MOTHAFUDGERS!
First up this week is the breaking news that a company called Applied Clean Tech has developed a system that makes paper from sewage! Apparently 99.9% of what comes through municipal waste water treatments systems is nasty-ass black and grey “water” … but that other .1% is a goldmine! It’s made up mostly of food waste, toilet paper and clothing fibers. Once cleaned, these “solids” can be transformed into a whole new type of paper. It’s an interesting idea … but I’m not sure if paper made of shit will really catch on. Cuz it’s made of shit. S-h-i-t.
Is your vagina white enough? Apparently in India, it’s rather important for your vagina to be as shiny and as white as possible. I had no idea, but I guess there’s a hierarchy of skin tone within the Indian community. “As if it isn’t bad enough that darker-skinned people are encouraged to stay out of the sun and invest in skin-bleaching products like Fair & Lovely, and that white actresses are being imported to play Indian people in Bollywood movies, now everyone has to be insecure about the fact that their vaginas happen to be the color that vaginas are?” On the one hand, this is deeply disturbing … on the other, it’s oddly hilarious (for people with sick senses of humor like me). Check out this commercial for Clean and Dry Intimate Wash:
Wednesday night I went to see David Sedaris! He’s one of my favorite authors, and whenever his tour makes its way to central Jersey I do my best to make it to one of his readings. This was my third time, and he never fails to amuse. The entire audience laughed for 90 minutes straight. I just love him so much!
Forth on the weekly list of five is something mindless and stupid (JUST LIKE ME!) … it’s the … wait for it … PROCATINATOR! It doesn’t even really require explanation … just click here. Wait until you’re amused, and then hit refresh. Hit refresh again. Now come back to C&R. OMG I’m in heaven. Since I discovered Procatinator, I’ve visited at least 1000 times a day. Seriously. I’m totally serial.
And finally this week is a web video so amazing that it deserves an introduction by none other than Michelle M.: “Sweet Brown! Oh Lord Jesus, I love her.” And I love you, Michelle M.! I nominate Sweet Brown for Monday Muse 2012! Check her out here:
This week’s Five contained paper made out of human shit, sparkling white vaginas, David Sedaris, animated cat .gifs with music, and SWEET BROWN!
OH LORD JESUS! I smell barbeque and that means I must run from my computer! Now I got bronchitis! Ain’t nobody got time for that! Thank the FSM that the Friday Five is complete!
This week’s runners up: The return of The Big C and Nurse Jackie, Harry M. accepting my Facebook friend request, pizza, avocados, vacation requests, Kathy Griffin, Dawson’s Creek, Party of Five, unsweetened iced tea, and hardcore gay pornography. DUCK! (a reference from season 5)
These days, more and more people are becoming concerned with how they impact our planet. Every day, more and more people are taking greater strides towards going green. How green are you? We’re about to find out.
The rules are simple: For each question that you answer ‘yes’ to, give yourself a single point. When you reach the end of the quiz, add up your points and post your total in the comments.
1.Do you always recycle paper (cereal boxes, office paper, newspaper, cardboard, etc.)?
2.Do you always recycle your glass, plastic and metal?
3.Do you always purchase recycled paper products? (toilet paper, tissues, etc.)
4.Do you always use greener cleaners or even make your own cleaners?
5.Do you regularly use reusable shopping bags?
6.Do you regularly use a refillable water bottle?
7.Do you make an effort to only purchase items with minimal or recyclable packaging?
8.Do you only use compact fluorescent or other energy-efficient light bulbs?
9.Do you regularly turn off the lights when you leave the room?
10.Do you try to minimize your energy usage?
11.Do you make efforts to seal up your leaky windows & doors and insulate your home?
12.Do you wash your laundry in cold water instead of hot?
13.Do you only buy “Energy Star” efficient appliances?
14.Do you frequently unplug unused electronics, chargers and appliances?
15.Do you take quick showers with a efficient shower head?
16.Do you use clean energy at your home? (solar, wind, etc.)
17.Do you regularly compost?
18.Do you have a fruit and/or vegetable garden?
19.Do you always try to buy local? (produce & meats from farmer’s markets, farm stands, etc.)
20.Do you do your best to use/eat all of the food you purchase before they spoil?
21.Do you regularly purchase or obtain used items at places like yard sales, flea markets, thrift stores, or online sources like Craigslist, eBay or Freecycle?
22.Do you donate your old clothing?
23.Do you regularly walk or ride a bike to your destination?
24.Do you regularly use public transportation?
25.Do you regularly drive a hybrid or alternative-fuel car?
What other steps do you take towards reducing your impact on the planet? What steps do you plan to take? Tell us all about it — and your total — in the comments!
When the weather is frigid and cold and the skies seem determined to drop ice and snow at every chance they get, there is only one thing I start to think about: islands. Specifically tropically islands with crystal clear water, warm sandy beaches, and palm trees galore. No one can resist the temptation to day dream about the day in their life when they can just jet off to Tahiti or Fiji for a weekend, but what would we do if we were stranded on a deserted island? To keep things simple, let’s pretend this island bares no resemblance to the island on Lost. No smoke monsters. No epic power struggles between good and evil. Just good ole fashioned Gilligan’s Island kinda capers. What are the five things you would bring to this island? Well here is what I would bring.
My “oft plan to read, but never actually read” copy of James Joyce’s Ulysses.
Once a year I pick up my copy of this novel, which is routinely touted as the best ever written, and say to myself “self, you should read this thing.” And I never actually do. It isn’t that I don’t want to read it, but I just know that it will require every ounce of concentration I have to focus on it. A deserted island with no one else to talk to is exactly such a place.
Endless supplies of Sunblock
I once visited my dermatologist to have my many sexy moles examined. She indicated that it was impossible for her to follow all of them since I had so many. She also said that I am clinically “white-ass-white.” I think when your dermatologist describes your skin tone in that way you should avoid overexposure to the sun. On a beach in the middle of no where without sunblock I would die from sunburn in about five minutes.
Toilet Paper
Adam’s freakish environmental heart might hate me for saying this, but I can’t live without toilet paper. When stranded on an island, I would have to have this particular item. Leaves just won’t cut it. In my defense, paper is biodegradable and I will compost what I use. So take that environment.
Chocolate
Sure it would melt in the hot sun, but life without chocolate is not life. I’ll take any kind. Chocolate improves my mood and makes me just happy. I’m sure there is some scientific reason behind this like caffeine makes me happy or endorphines in the stuff make me smiley, but I don’t care. I just want it.
My Boyfriend
Sure it is kind of cheating to say I would bring my boyfriend with me, but I’m making the rules here. I would have to take him along. This is not a cheesy way to just talk about him. It is a way to say that I can’t imagine being on an island in the sun without him
Now you know what I would bring to my island castaway adventure. What is on your list of “I can’t live without?”
Are you really, really old? Or maybe you’re really, really, really old? Dust yourself off, prop yourself up, and answer these questions quickly. You might die soon. You know the drill! For each question that you answer ‘yes’ to, give yourself a single point. When you reach the end of the quiz, add up your points, and post your total in the comments section.
1. Did you see Star Wars in the theater in 1977?
2. Did you ever fight Hitler?
3. Were you there when Washington crossed the Delaware?
4. Do you remember when Pong was cutting edge?
5. Have you ever ridden a High Wheel Bicycle?
6. Have you ever owned a slave?
7. Have you ever played lawn darts?
8. Have you ever started a car with a hand crank?
9. Have you ever seen a test pattern on TV?
10. Did you ever have sex before “safe sex”?
11. Do you yell at war movies, “That’s not how it happened!!” …which you know, because you were there?
12. Have you ever given makeup tips to Cleopatra?
13. Are you hoarding state quarters and 2 dollar bills, but you don’t know why?
14. Have you ever purchased something from a TV home shopping show?
15. Have you ever ridden on the back of a brontosaurus?
16. Would you be reallllly rich right now if your mom hadn’t thrown away all your comic books?
17. Have you ever seen The Beatles perform live?
18. Have you ever pledged allegiance to a flag with less than 50 stars?
19. Did you ever own a car phone?
20. Did you ever own a giant mobile phone?
21. Do you remember computers without mouses?
22. Do you remember computers with punch cards?
23. Did you ever walk from Asia to North American?
24. Has a page of a Sears Roebuck catalog ever cleaned your bum?
25. Do you have gray pubes?
OMG you’re ancient! Now shove your saggy parts out of the way and tell us your score.
Ladies and Gentleman, Boys and Girls of all ages… Welcome to the Friday Five, where I examine my five favorites of the week! It’s been seven days since our last Friday Five, and oh how my favorites have changed! Let’s get right to it:
1. I Whip My Hair Back and Forth!
Since the world first read about Willow Smith’s kiddie porn video, Whip My Hair, on last week’s Friday Five, the hair whipping trend has exploded! I was in a store yesterday, and there were more people whipping their hair back and forth than people NOT whipping their hair back and forth. It’s becoming ridiculous, people! The kid from the Exorcist is whipping her hair, some seven year old kid is whipping his hair, and even the Muppets are whipping their hair! I’m even whipping my hair back and forth right now … and lemme tell you, it’s hard to type! And I have a headache!
http://www.youtube.com/v/D4AVd8El-QY?fs=1&hl=en_US
2. The Wild and Wonderful Whites of West Virginia
From the people who brought you Jackass comes a movie about my family called, The Wild and Wonderful Whites of West Virginia! My father’s side of the family hails from beautiful West Virginia. I’ve never been to one of our family reunions — but maybe I would have gone if I had been told that it’s a land were people shake their boobs around, enjoy killing other people, shove ass-naked guys into doors, get arrested, and go on rampages! I’m so proud that my dad’s side of the family made a movie. And I can’t wait to get it from Netflix (you can even stream the movie right now!). Check out the trailer:
http://www.youtube.com/v/w3ysuG2O0zw?fs=1&hl=en_US
3. I Can Has History
I’ve never been a fan of LOL Cats. On the one hand, I love cats, but on the other, I just can’t take the bad spelling and grammar. Just ask Mikey — he is constantly yelling at me for stuffing as many commas as I can into his blog posts. But there’s something about this random I Can Has History chart that amuses the hell outa me. I’m not sure if it’s because David’s Ceiling Cat Gravatar has apparently spawned a whole line of Egyptian and Star Wars cats, or if it’s just the sheer size of the history tree that I’m digging … but something makes me love this. My favorites: Bread Cat, Bag Cat, Link the Kitten, Stonoga, Corncat, “Lolly Cat” & Mooncat.
4. Tube-Free Toilet Paper
“Kimberly-Clark estimates [that] 17 billion toilet paper tubes are produced each year in the U.S. When placed end-to-end, those tubes could stretch to the moon and back — twice. All and all, these cardboard toilet paper tubes account for 160 million pounds of landfill-bound trash.” So Kimberly-Clark (under their Scott brand) has created a tube-free toilet paper roll! I’m a big fan of anything that takes a step in the right direction towards a healthier, greener, less wasteful planet — and I think this is great news. They’ll be rolling it out (pun intended) their tube-free magic in select Wal-Mart and Sam’s Club stores, and then if it catches on, it will be available nationwide. Let’s just hope it doesn’t go the way of the Sun Chips environmentally-friendly decomposable bag…
5. Geocaching
Geocaching is a high-tech treasure hunting game played throughout the world by adventure seekers equipped with GPS devices. I’m pretty sure it’s the nerdiest outdoor activity that I can partake in … and it’s fun! Once I registered on the website, I was able to find that there are a bunch of local caches. Then on Thursday, I used my phone’s GPS to successfully locate 3 different caches. In every cache is a little log book where you write your name and the date of your visit. Sometimes there’s also some worthless junk that you can trade for worthless junk that you brought with you. It’s all sorts of fun! OMG I’m a Supernerd Extreme!
And that’s my Friday Five! Hair whipping, crazy West Virginians, Cat History, Tube-Free TP and Geocaching. Could there be a better Five? I don’t think so… but try to prove me wrong! What’s your Friday Five? Tell me all about it in the comments.
Oh, and a special note: It’s not too late to take your photo with the Rainbow Poo mask! Send us your photos and we’ll post them on Sunday!
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Have You Ever … Gone Camping?!
The rules are simple: For each question that you answer ‘yes’ to, give yourself a single point. When you reach the end of the quiz, add up your points and post your total in the comments.
1. Have you ever gone camping?
7. Have you ever started a campfire?
15. Have you ever had to run away from wild animals while camping?
22. Have you ever smoked pot while camping?
2. Have you ever gone camping at a campground?
3. Have you ever gone camping in a backyard?
4. Have you ever gone camping in the wilderness?
5. Have you ever slept in a tent inside your home?
6. Have you ever slept outside under the stars?
8. Have you ever told scary stories around a campfire?
9. Have you ever sung camp songs around a campfire?
10. Have you ever cooked food over a campfire?
11. Have you ever made s’mores around a campfire?
12. Have you ever eaten beans right out of the can while camping?
13. Have you ever eaten fish you caught while camping?
14. Have you ever been awoken by wild animals outside your tent while camping?
16. Have you ever pooped outside?
17. Have you ever had to use something other than toilet paper after pooping outside?
18. Have you ever camped outside during a thunderstorm?
19. Have you ever ended a camping trip early because you couldn’t handle it?
20. Have you ever been bitten by a snake while camping?
21. Have you ever drank alcohol while underage, while camping?
23. Have you ever secretly masturbated while others were sleeping in your tent?
24. Have you ever participated in a circle jerk while camping?
25. Have you ever had sex in a tent?
Tell us your total in the comments!
Thanks to Craig for his help with this post!
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