If only I had some bitch to wash my clothes for me!

In continuing with my theme of blog posts to gross out Michelle M. (please see this week’s offerings on nose picking and farting), today we will be talking about how often you wash your clothing.   If you’re like me, laundry day is a real chore.  I live in an apartment that offers no on-site laundry facilities.  Luckily, my parents live pretty close by and are always willing to let me “borrow” their washer and dryer for a few hours.  Hey I’m poor and I gotta save money where I can!

Laundry day is a huge process that usually requires me to roll out of bed at least 3 minutes earlier than normal.  On days that I do laundry, I have to collect my dirty laundry from all over the house, stuff it into my laundry basket (which more often than not is still half-full of clean clothing from the previous wash), then load it all into the car, drive to one of my parent’s houses, lug it into their basement, steal laundry detergent & fabric softener sheets, press buttons, turn knobs, and then visit with them (a.k.a. play with my cell phone and ignore them) for a few hours.  Ugh!

Clearly not my laundry. (Not enough plaid!)

My solution?  Try to wash my clothing as infrequently as possible while continuing to be obsessively clean!  Here are my rules:

Underpants must be washed daily (see yesterday’s post).  I’m vegan, and my underpants can fill up with perfumy glitter pretty quickly — especially when Brussels sprouts are on sale at the grocery store.  Same thing goes for socks … I never want to chance smelling like feet!

Pajamas are never worn.  Why waste the space in the washer?  And going commando at bedtime is just so freeing!

Sheets are washed once a week, especially during the summer.  The idea of sleeping on dirty sheets grosses me out.

Towels are washed once every 3-4 days, and air-dried after each use in between.  I do the same thing with kitchen towels (because they don’t take up much space in the washer and are better for the environment (and wallet) than paper towels).

Is this what I'm missing at the laundromat?

Shirts are washed on a sliding scale.  I’m paranoid that someone at work will notice me wearing the same shirt as the day before — but (especially during the winter months) I’m always trying to come up with ways that I can stretch a shirt into 2 or 3 days of wear.  Maybe a t-shirt from Sunday can double as an undershirt on Monday?  Or one day’s t-shirt can be the next day’s gym shirt?

Sweatshirts, especially my favorite variety: the zipper hoodie are washed AS INFREQUENTLY AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE.  I never wear just a sweatshirt, so when I wear a one, it’s basically a jacket.  Plus when you wash them, they get all pilly and uncomfortable and start to shrink and UGH!  I only wash them when I absolutely have to (when they start to STINK).  Sometimes I’d rather just buy a new one.

Pants I’m blessed (thank you, FSM!) to have a job without a dress code, so I wear jeans every day of the week.  Although you can actually go for over a year without washing jeans, I tend to wear mine for about 4 days between washes.  My mother thinks this is gross and washes hers after a single day of wear.

Laundry, like cooking and cleaning, is best done by women.

Everything Else gets the sniff test.  Gym clothes are washed pretty often (for obvious reasons).  I never wash my jackets or shoes (out of fear that they’ll fall apart).  I try to wash blankets whenever I can, but they only find their way into a washer every few months if they’re lucky.

So how often do you wash your clothes?  Am I gross or overly clean?  Next time that you see me in person, will you cross the street or give me a big hug?  Lemme know in the comments!

By the way, if anyone would like to buy any of my dirty clothes (for sniffing, burning, voodoo dolls, bizzare sexual fetishes, or any other reasons), please email me.