There are many things that confound me. Here are some of them.
1. Joanna Newsom
She’s a singer (if you can call that awful noise coming out of her singing). I don’t even know if I like her songs, because I can’t get past her disturbingly odd, babyish voice. It makes me want to stab someone everyone. YUCK. I wouldn’t want to subject anyone to an entire song, so here’s a brief (you’re welcome) taste of her singing in a commercial. How is she successful? Who is buying her records? For the love of god, why won’t someone stop her? I don’t get it.
2. The Lottery
I don’t get why I can’t win the damn thing. I would be sooo good at being filthy rich.
3. French fries
Why can’t I find good french fries? I like a nice, hot, greasy fry. Greasy enough that the salt sticks to them (and doesn’t bounce off). I do not like firm, crispy fries! When you hold them they should be flaccid. Now, McDonalds (circa the seventies) made a great fry. Alas, the movement to make healthy fries ruined what used to be my favorite food. If I wanted to be healthy, I would eat a frickin’ apple. And what’s with the weird coating some of them have? Lame. And I hate that they turn into hard, dry matchsticks if you don’t eat them quickly enough. It’s all so very sad. I just don’t get it.
4. aging
Why is anti-aging research not a priority? Who cares about new football stadiums, flying cars, diseases, space exploration and wars if I am not around to enjoy them? I don’t get it. Don’t scientists and the powers that be in government not realize that they are aging too? They need to get on this stat. I’m falling apart here!
5. Wonder Woman movie
I don’t get it. Who wouldn’t want to see a Wonder Woman movie? No one, that’s who. Will I ever get to see Princess Diana on the silver screen in my lifetime? C’mon Hollywood – give the people (me) what they want. For crying out loud, Elektra, Daredevil, Captain America and the Green Lantern got their own movies. Even stupid Thor got a movie. Speaking of which, have you seen Conan’s version? OMG, it’s brilliant. ker-SMASH!
Other things I don’t get: math, the Kardashians, football, duckface, steampunk and sushi. What don’t you get? Let me know in comments!
Welcome to Cocky & Rude Fight Club! The rules to the game are simple. Each week we’ll introduce our fighters. We’ll do the leg work and help you analyze their strengths and weaknesses. Then we’ll put the results to vote. You’ll pick which combatant will decimate their opponent in the knock-down, drag-out brawl of Cocky & Rude Fight Club! Let’s meet this week’s fighters…
REBECCA BLACKDate of Birth: June 21, 1997
Place of Birth: Anaheim Hills, CA
Residence: With her parents, John Jeffery Black and Georgina Marquez Kelly
Relationship Status: Presumably single, possibly dating one of the boys in the video
Regional Accent: Californian Auto-Tune
Occupation: Singer(?)
Favorite Rapper: Patrice Wilson
What time do you wake up in the morning: 7AM (gotta be fresh, gotta go downstairs)
Favorite Breakfast food: cereal
Favorite underage driving destination: slow highways with cities in the background, parking lots, parties near trees with rainbow lighting
Favorite day of the week to git down on: FRIDAY
Do you look forward to the weekend?: we so excited!
Which seat can you take? (Front seat or back seat): undecided (“which seat can I taaaaaakeee?”)
Favorite curse word: none
Viral (pop?) star, Rebecca Black burst onto the Internet scene in March of 2011 after recording her hit song, Friday. Reportedly costing her mother a whopping $4000, the “vanity release” has since spawned countless spoofs and covers by the cast of Glee, Stephen Colbert, Jimmy Fallon, The Roots and Taylor Hick, Nick Jonas, Katy Perry, Conan O’Brien and Andy Richter, and Justin Bieber. The video features an excessive use of Auto-Tune, underage driving, a whole lot of “fun, fun fun, fun, partying, partying, yeah!”, a rap interlude by co-producer Patrice Wilson, bad haircuts, a disregard for car safety, and a brace-face named Benni Cinkle. Rebecca’s weapons are numerous and include a convertible driven by minors, rainbow colored party lights, Benni Crinkle bites, and ear shattering Auto-Tuning. It should also be noted that Rebecca may or may not be able to shoot lasers from her sizable mole. Beware!
KRISTEN, “THE KID”Also known as: Dieter Vonsnizenhauzerkrank (i can’t believe I’m admitting this)
Alias: ‘Lil Meezy
Date of Birth: May 28
Place of Birth: Ottawa, Canada
Residence: With my mom
Relationship Status: Mentally dating various celebrities
Regional Accent: Canadian, eh?
Occupation: Forever Unemployed
Height & Weight: Not tall enough & a little too much
Favorite Rapper: S-L-I-M S-H-A-D-Y
What time do you wake up in the morning: Too early for any human being
Favorite Breakfast food: bagels, bagels and more bagels.
Favorite underage driving destination: The Bagel Shoppe
Favorite day of the week to git down on: THURSDAY!!!!!!!!!!!
Do you look forward to the weekend?: Only if there’s PARTYING involved 
Favorite place to party: The Slytherin Common Room
Which seat can you take? (Front seat or back seat): Front seat. I demand riding shotgun
Favorite curse word: BULLOCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!
Daughter of Tam (last week’s C&R Fight Club winner), Kristen (more commonly referred to as “The Kid”), hails from Ottawa, Canada. Like your average teen girl, “The Kid” attends school, enjoys riding a pony named Sprinkles, dreams of one day becoming a ballet dancer, and loves watching Jersey Shore (she’s seen every episode!), and The Food Network. Kristen’s favorite movies include Hitchcock’s Rope, Vertigo, Rear Window, and Psycho — so she’s clearly no stranger to murder and intrigue. It may seem like “The Kid” fights in the shadow of her mother’s battle, but don’t be fooled … she shines bright! Her secret weapons include Sprinkles the Pony (who may or may not be rabid), an endless supply of bagels (don’t let the holes fool you, they hurt when they hit you!), The Situation’s abs of steel, Snooki (who may or may not be rabid), and her favorite hockey team: the Pittsburgh Penguins. Don’t mess with Dieter Vonsnizenhauzerkrank!!!
Who will win in the battle of Friday vs. Thursday? Will Rebecca Black ignore her 2,710,134+ YouTube dislikes and Auto-Tune herself all the way to victory? Or will “The Kid” trample her opponent to death with Sprinkles the Pony? We’re putting this no-holds-barred fight to a vote. The poll will be open for approximately 24 hours, and you may vote as many times as you want. That’s right — we’re not blocking repeat votes, so vote now and vote often for your favorite Cocky & Rude Fight Club opponent.
Check back on Sunday at noon for the results!
Thanks to Kristen & Michelle M. for your assistance with this post!
I have a new hero. She is some British woman on youtube is her name and her game is writing and singing songs that combine social observation with biting sarcasm and wit. In the NSFW video that led me to discover her, she attacks the most reviled creature in all of humanity: hipsters. I cut my adolescent teeth on the angsty, angry lesbian music of the 90s. Before Alanis Morrissette sang about giving head in theaters there were a lot of women like Ani DiFranco who weren’t afraid to get their point across with a cuss word here or there (or everwhere). This brit-chick took me back to a simpler time. Before the poptart invasion of the late 90s destroyed the airwaves. I particularly like the lyric she uses at the 1:30 point.
Now that you have heard that little diddy, I think we should ponder the anatomical possibility of what our singer suggested. I too wish that the jackwads who flash around their iPads would put them where the sun doesn’t shine (mainly because I’m jealous and I want one), but how would one get an iPad up one’s arse? I don’t quite know. It seems a bit broad and it might require a lot of lube that could damage the technology. I suggest that interested parties start with one of the corners and gradually try putting more and more of the iPad inside of yourself. There has got to be an app for that.
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Stuff I daydream about.
Life is harsh. Sometimes the best thing to do is slip into a nice daydream. Here’s just some of the stuff I like to imagine while I’m stargazing, woolgathering or just plain avoiding reality.
My most frequent daydream is of winning the mega millions lottery.
But The Publisher’s Clearing House prize would do just fine. I’m not picky.
After I win my millions, Harry and I will travel. Some of the places I fantasize about going to are Fiji (or any tropical island, really), Santorini, Austria, Australia, The U.K., Copenhagen and Belgium (I hear they make a good french fry…).
I like to pretend that I’m a ballerina. And not just a ballerina, but a prima ballerina assoluta.
I also like to daydream that I’m a singer/songwriter with a multi-octave range.
Here I am performing at one of my sold out concerts.
One of my favorite sports is figure skating. I like to imagine what music I would skate to, what costumes I would wear and what it would feel like to win an Olympic gold medal (in my head I have also won the gold in equestrian events, diving, skiing and gymnastics).
Have you heard? I’m (supposed to be) writing a novel. Of course, I like to think it will be a #1 best selling book. It will, of course, be optioned for a movie. And I’ll have so much fun traveling around the country staying in 5 star hotels and doing book signings. Make sure you come out to see me when I come to a bookstore near you!
Naturally I’ll win a best screenplay Oscar when I adapt my book for film. I’ll receive a standing ovation for my humble and humorous, yet touching acceptance speech.
Once I win the Oscar, maybe they’ll give me a whack at writing that Wonder Woman movie I’ve been waiting for…
All my daydreams aren’t frivolous, though. Sometimes I pretend that I’ve come up with the cure for cancer, paralysis or any other number of illnesses/diseases. The Nobel prize, Time cover for Person of the Year, money and accolades will all be secondary to the knowledge that I am helping the human race.
Some of my daydreams are actually attainable. I often wish that my house was sparkling clean, my laundry and ironing is all done, the cupboards and refrigerator are filled with food, and I’m at my goal weight. Then I can completely relax while watching movies and reading a stack of books guilt-free.
So what do you like to daydream about? Flying to the moon? Scoring the game winning touchdown? Being the homecoming queen? Stealing Mr. Sombrero away from Adam? Let me know in comments!
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