It’s Friday … and that can only mean one thing. It’s time for the Friday Five, MOTHAFUDGERS!
First up this week is the breaking news that a company called Applied Clean Tech has developed a system that makes paper from sewage! Apparently 99.9% of what comes through municipal waste water treatments systems is nasty-ass black and grey “water” … but that other .1% is a goldmine! It’s made up mostly of food waste, toilet paper and clothing fibers. Once cleaned, these “solids” can be transformed into a whole new type of paper. It’s an interesting idea … but I’m not sure if paper made of shit will really catch on. Cuz it’s made of shit. S-h-i-t.
Is your vagina white enough? Apparently in India, it’s rather important for your vagina to be as shiny and as white as possible. I had no idea, but I guess there’s a hierarchy of skin tone within the Indian community. “As if it isn’t bad enough that darker-skinned people are encouraged to stay out of the sun and invest in skin-bleaching products like Fair & Lovely, and that white actresses are being imported to play Indian people in Bollywood movies, now everyone has to be insecure about the fact that their vaginas happen to be the color that vaginas are?” On the one hand, this is deeply disturbing … on the other, it’s oddly hilarious (for people with sick senses of humor like me). Check out this commercial for Clean and Dry Intimate Wash:
Wednesday night I went to see David Sedaris! He’s one of my favorite authors, and whenever his tour makes its way to central Jersey I do my best to make it to one of his readings. This was my third time, and he never fails to amuse. The entire audience laughed for 90 minutes straight. I just love him so much!
Forth on the weekly list of five is something mindless and stupid (JUST LIKE ME!) … it’s the … wait for it … PROCATINATOR! It doesn’t even really require explanation … just click here. Wait until you’re amused, and then hit refresh. Hit refresh again. Now come back to C&R. OMG I’m in heaven. Since I discovered Procatinator, I’ve visited at least 1000 times a day. Seriously. I’m totally serial.
And finally this week is a web video so amazing that it deserves an introduction by none other than Michelle M.: “Sweet Brown! Oh Lord Jesus, I love her.” And I love you, Michelle M.! I nominate Sweet Brown for Monday Muse 2012! Check her out here:
This week’s Five contained paper made out of human shit, sparkling white vaginas, David Sedaris, animated cat .gifs with music, and SWEET BROWN!
OH LORD JESUS! I smell barbeque and that means I must run from my computer! Now I got bronchitis! Ain’t nobody got time for that! Thank the FSM that the Friday Five is complete!
This week’s runners up: The return of The Big C and Nurse Jackie, Harry M. accepting my Facebook friend request, pizza, avocados, vacation requests, Kathy Griffin, Dawson’s Creek, Party of Five, unsweetened iced tea, and hardcore gay pornography. DUCK! (a reference from season 5)
Not unlike the last episode of Galaxy Quest before it went off the air, the last installment I drew of The Adventures of Super Viagra and Vagina Girl lay unfinished and with a whopper of a cliffhanger. Here I wish to present it to you for the first time:
There we have it folks. The Omega 13 of the Super Viagra and Vagina Girl universe.
What do you think happened?
Our third week is complete! Today our contestants celebrate three weeks into the cockiest and rudest weight loss competition evahhhh! It’s Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser 3!
Exercise is an important part of every weight-loss regimen. This week, the contestants were invited to tell us how they’ve exercised to help attain their weight-loss goals. Here’s what they said:
Mikey
The only exercise I have been able to get in the past two weeks has been walking to/from work, walking the dog, playing with the dog, and COUGHING. However, since my diet changes have resulted in my weight loss leveling off and since I am finally able to move around without hacking up a corner of my lungs, I am instituting an exercise regimen. I will be doing 30-45 min of cardio every other day for the near future. May my ass disappear.
Tam
The picture says it all. I really have not focused at all on exercise. I have really only been seriously participating in this challenge for about 10 days because of my trip, so right now I’m just paying attention to what I eat and how much of it. I’ve been faithfully logging my in-take on Spark People and I think for right now I need to focus on that until it becomes more second nature. If I starting thinking I must do this, and this, and this, I’m likely to do none of it. So that’s my rationale for sitting my ass on the couch and doing nothing.
Ryan
The majority of my exercise is walking. Commuting to work gives me a baseline of twelve miles each week. I’ve also started using a walk tracking app on my phone. I love it because I can take a spontaneous path and not have to worry about remembering every detour when I map the route when I get home. I’ve also been doing some calisthenics, but I haven’t been disciplined about it. Usually, it amounts to doing some pushups while my oatmeal is cooking if I don’t have any dishes to wash.
Adam
I’ve been a lazy piece of shit for the past week. I’m paying for a gym membership … I really need to go to the gym. Ugh. But I’m just so damn lazy. bloooooooooooooooooob. Maybe my arm muscles will get bigger if I buy heavier forks. And spoons.
Polt
This week we’re supposed to talk about exercise. I don’t feel the need to change my exercise regime, as I was getting quite a bit of exercise before we started. I mean, several times in an evening, I had to drag my fat ass off the couch, ya know, to get something to eat, or to pee or whatever. And at least once a day, I have to roll my fat ass outta bed…NOT an easy thing to do, I assure you. So as long as I keep working out like that, I should do really well.
TwoPi
Slow and steady wins the race! Unless you’re pedaling on a stationary bike, that is. Or not, as I’ve been lately. I couldn’t find the “Add dust and cobwebs” filter in Photoshop… but the actual stationary bike and elliptical machine sitting in my attic are gathering more dust than sweat these days. I’ve been struggling with hip and back trouble for months, and at the moment my most strenuous activity is walking (when I’m able) and physical therapy (when I’m good and I remember). But I know I’ve got the equipment waiting there to be dusted off, and surely some day…
Michelle M.
I haven’t exercised at all. I’VE BEEN SICK! I did get my hula hoop, Thighmaster, in-line skates and dumbbells out of the garage for this photo, so that should count for something. Other exercise I haven’t been doing: walking around the lake, riding my bike and Zumba (which I intend to buy/do one day, so that should also count for something).
Mr. Sombrero
Mr. Sombrero has been feeling a bit under the weather past few days and he had to skip a few classes. But on a good week his exercise regimen consist of yoga, calisthenics, and ton, like 7 miles a day, of walking. And somehow I still don’t see the results fast enough. Damn you quesadillas!!!
And now the week’s results:
Stay tuned each Thursday for the stunning weight-loss success stories of our eight contestants. Who will win this year’s competition? Find out on May 31st … just in time for bikini season!
Shat – past tense of shit Verb.
1. vulgar. Expel feces from the body.
2. vulgar. Soil one’s clothes as a result of expelling feces accidentally.
The rules to Have You Ever?! are simple: For each question that you answer ‘yes’ to, give yourself a single point. When you reach the end of the quiz, add up your points and post your total in the comments.
Have You Ever?!1. Have you ever shat in a toilet?
2. Have you ever shat because you were scared?
3. Have you ever shat while reading?
4. Have you ever shat while sending a text message?
5. Have you ever shat while talking on the telephone?
6. Have you ever shat while surfing the Internet?
7. Have you ever shat while watching TV?
8. Have you ever shat while tweeting?
9. Have you ever shat so much that it clogged a toilet in your own home?
10. Have you ever shat so much that it clogged a toilet in someone else’s home?
11. Have you ever shat so much that it clogged a toilet in a public restroom?
12. Have you ever shat on the side of the road?
13. Have you ever shat in a porta-potty?
14. Have you ever shat in an outhouse?
15. Have you ever shat in the woods?
16. Have you ever shat in your pants by accident?
17. Have you ever shat your pants because you couldn’t get to the bathroom fast enough?
18. Have you ever shat your pants while driving?
19. Have you ever shat into your hand?
20. Have you ever shat in a shower or bathtub?
21. Have you ever shat in a brown paper bag with the intent to light it on fire on someone’s doorstep?
22. Have you ever shat during sex?
23. Have you ever shat while receiving or performing fellatio (or cunnilingus) on the toilet?
24. Have you ever shat while having sex on the toilet?
25. Have you ever shat onto someone else?
Now go take a shit, wipe, pull up your pants, wash your hands, come back to the computer, and then tell us your total in the comments!
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Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser 3: Week 11
As we begin the 11th week of BC&RL3, we take a peek at somewhere BC&RL has never gone before … into the cupboards! Much like our ‘in the fridge’ week, this week we take a look inside each of our contestant’s cupboards, pantries, or wherever they’re storing their non-refrigerated foodstuff. Check it out!
TwoPi
Our pantry is a converted broom closet. The top two shelves hold liquids (olive oil, vinegar, key lime juice, Thai fish sauce, etc…), while the next two shelves are mostly canned goods (lots of pineapple, tuna, various soups, tomatoes, etc….) The lowest shelves (mostly off camera) have non-food items, such as trash bags and various food storage items. I mostly use the stuff on the top two shelves; the rest of the pantry mostly consists of forgotten items lost in the transition from grocery bag to dust bin.
Tam
This could be called my Carb Cupboard (sorry Polt). This picture shows it tidier than it sometimes is, and messier than at other times. The top shelf is carb heaven – pasta, noodles, mac & cheese and rice; second shelf is canned goods and things like drink mixes; third shelf is breakfast stuff – cereal, juice (and ice-cream toppings – not so breakfasty); fourth shelf is snacks – crackers, chips, popcorn, little fruit cup thingies for lunches; bottom shelf is trash bags, light bulbs and potatoes. There is a shelf above you can’t see, but it is empty juice jugs, vases and booze. Ahem.
Mr. Sombrero
All I have are spices and shit. I’m going for the win. Vote for me in The Messiest A** Pantry – 2012. Yeah, no comment.
Ryan
Most of my non-refrigerated food is in these three cupboards. The others contain some spices and extra dry goods. Note the supply of oatmeal, raisins, and cinnamon ready for breakfast.
Polt
So this week, we’re talking what’s in our cupboard. In my cupboards all I have are dishes, glasses, Tupperware, that sorta stuff. I do have a pantry, but I use that for storage purposes. And I have a series of shelves in the cellar way, but they only contain some cans of soup, green beans, spaghetti-O’s, fruit salad, some salad dressing and a lonely can of tuna. Most of my non-refrigerated food I just store on my counter top like so: cereal, popcorn, peanut butter, whole wheat bread, spray cheese, sugarless caramels, Pringles, and Crystal Light. I don’t eat the pathetic looking plant there, I’ve had Janis for about ten years, longer than any plant I’ve ever had.
Mikey
You can see that I keep my kitchen cabinets better stocked than the fridge. That is influenced by the fact that I am obsessed with having every possible spice on hand in case it ever comes up in an exotic recipe. AND I DON’T HAVE THEM ALL YET. You can also see healthy olive oil on one shelf and brown rice on the other. See…I am trying.
Michelle M.
We have a tiny cupboard. Here’s what’s in it.
1. coffee (for Harry) tea and hot chocolate
2. canned vegetables and beans
3. nuts, popcorn, raisins, nuts and emergency chocolate
4. rice, pasta, lentils, Asian noodles
5. bread, soup, vegetable and chicken broth
6. cooking oils, hot sauce, pasta sauce, peanut butter
7. cereal, granola bars, pretzels, crackers
8. baking stuff
9. Harry’s breakfast fixings (oatmeal and stuff to make it taste good).
Adam
Left top: teas, oatmeal, olive oil. Left middle: Emergen-C, random ingredients, soy sauce, pepper oil, balsamic vinegar. Bottom left: lots of spices and seasonings. Top right: flour, rice, sugars. Middle right: Indian food, raisins, Maggi noodles, lentils, popcorn. Bottom right: canned veggies, sauces and vitamins.
And now the week’s results:
Stay tuned each Thursday for the stunning weight-loss success stories of our eight contestants. Who will win this year’s competition? Find out on May 31st … just in time for bikini season!
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