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It Came From POLT’S ASS!

15 Comments Posted by on July 31, 2012











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Competitive Superbattle Climax Extreme!!!

3 Comments Posted by on May 26, 2010

What does it take to be an American Idol?  Talent?  A sexy bod?  Boobs?  An amazing singing voice?  Great hair?  Attitude?  Nice teeth?  A fancy microphone stand?  Stage presence?  A lot of luck?

We’re about to find out.  After nine seasons and about one billion thousand hundred million trillion episodes, this season of American Idol is about to draw to a close.  This week the show is live from the giant NOKIA Theatre in Los Angeles.  And it’s all down to this.  Last night we saw the final performance episode of the season, and tonight we’ll crown the new king or queen of Idol.  And not only will we say hello to the next winner, we’ll also bid farewell to Simon Cowell.  And after Lost‘s finale on Sunday, I’m not sure if I can take so much drama in a single week.  But before I start to cry again … let’s take a look at last night’s performances.

In round one, Lee and Crystal re-sang their favorite song from the season.  Up first, my husband chose to sing The Boxer by Simon & Garfunkel.  It sounded as good as, or better than his original performance.  Perfect song choice; it was one of his best of the season.  Loved it.  Kara: “I wanna see you come even more.” A

Sourbox was up next with Me and Bobby McGee [most famously performed] by Janis Joplin.  A great performance!  I really wish that I was more familiar with the song, because I feel like that would make me appreciate the tune even more.  Sourbox sounded great and looked like a mess.  … And I love her for it! B+

In round two, the contestants sang a song of executive producer Simon Fuller’s choosing.  His choice for Lee?  R.E.M.’s Everybody Hurts. I love the song, and its video is my favorite of all time.  But … I didn’t love Lee’s performance.  It wasn’t bad, per say … but it just wasn’t as good as the original.  The bongo drums were kind of annoying and the backup choir singers were awfully unnecessary.  Seriously, why does Idol always add a choir?!  B-

Sourbox followed with Alannah Myles’ Black Velvet.  Sexy!  Wow, this song turned Crystal into a sexy, sultry diva!  I really love when Crystal makes the choice to go guitar-less.  It gives her a chance to move around the stage and rely on her most talented instrument — her voice!  Those pipes were on fire!  Loved it.  A

In the final round, the contestants sang their soon-to-be released (if they win) song.  For the first time in Idol history, the songs were not [ridiculously awful] originals!  Lee sang U2′s Beautiful Day. I have to admit, I despise U2.  I also have to admit, I love Lee DeWyze.  It’s a creepy ‘Kurt from Glee’ kind of love.  I may fix Lee up with one of my parents, just so he’ll move into the basement with me.  But then he’ll put his underpants on in the shower so I won’t see him naked.  *sigh* A

And finally, in our last judged performance of the season, Crystal sang Patty Griffin’s Up to the Mountain.  It’s a song I’ve never heard before, but it sounded simply amazing.  She was emotional, flawless and just perfect.  Crystal is a performer, and she deserves to be here.  She’s a indisputable talent, and for that, I’m giving her an A+

Who will win?  I really feel like it could go either way.  Before last night, I was sure that it would go to Lee.  But Sourbox fought hard … I only hope it was enough.  Although Lee is my husband, I really feel like Crystal deserves it more.

Since this is my last Idol post of the season, I’d like to leave you with a few final thoughts.

Simon Cowell. He’s the soul of American Idol, and I’m afraid of what the show will become without him.  His harsh criticisms and brutal honesty will truly be missed.  No one will ever tweak their nipples and scratch their face with their middle finger the same.

Ellen DeGeneres. I love, love, love her — but she did nothing for the show.  A joke and smile does not a judge make.

Kara DeGuuuusomething. All she did all season was lay on top of Simon and try to fill the void of the Paula/Simon sexual tension.  It didn’t work.

Ryan Seacrest. Please stop saying that Lee worked in a paint shop. WE KNOW.

Glee. Kurt is too creepy, how about a friendly gay?!  Rachel — you’ve been dreaming of singing with your mom, and your first pick is Poker Face?!  Oh wait, this isn’t about Idol!  Oops!

Pants on the Ground. We’ll see you tomorrow night!

Paula. We’ll also see you tomorrow night!

Next Season. Hire someone who’s not nice.  Someone who has opinions and isn’t afraid to be hated.  Howard Stern isn’t as bad a choice as everyone thinks he is.  Fire Ellen and Kara, and replace them with Elton John.  Randy can stay, he’s harmless.  Three judges is enough.  Ryan can stay.  Mix up the rules a bit, change the age limit, and add a rule that says you can’t sing a song that has ever been performed on Idol before.  And please, please, please come up with some better theme weeks.

American Idol. I love you more than I hate you.  Plus this year, you introduced me to the love of my life!  Thanks!  Can’t wait to see what you look like in January 2011!

Vote for Chrystal!

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Our Lost Weekend Is Over.

5 Comments Posted by on May 24, 2010

It’s been about thirty minutes since my favorite show of all time, Lost, came to an end.  Like the rest of the world, I’m still trying to wrap my head around what happened. And without offering any spoilers (because I don’t really want to face the wrath of Enrico), I’ll offer this: I’ve decided that I liked it.  I do feel a little cheated in some respects, but overall, I’m happy.  … I think.

It’s been a rough weekend. I’m in the middle of packing, moving, not sleeping, and nursing my various moving wounds. Mikey spent the weekend fluttering around like a social butterfly.  Neither one of us are really lucid enough to offer you a substantial post … so I’ll leave you with the silly/awesome Lost + Target commercials.

http://www.youtube.com/v/FVdpCz1hz-k&hl=en_US&fs=1&

http://www.youtube.com/v/sdNGaTPpb4Q&hl=en_US&fs=1&

http://www.youtube.com/v/ygFDfRD2U5Q&hl=en_US&fs=1&

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Witness the Karaoke Checkmate.

8 Comments Posted by on May 19, 2010

Ladies and Gentlemen, we’re so close.  Next week is the season finale of American Idol.  Yay!  I’m so sick of this season … I just want BowerWyze to win this thing already!  But before we crown the winner, we must first subject ourselves to a little bit more competitive karaoke.  We’re down to just three this week: My husband, Sourbox and Casey (yuck) and this time around, they’re singing two songs each.  It’ll be one song that they pick and one song that the judges pick … so let’s do this thang so I can go to bed.

First up was Casey James singing OK, It’s Alright With Me by Eric Hutchinson.  I actually saw Eric play in Doylestown, PA a few years ago before he was famous, and I’m a big fan of his.  He’s a fun, original talent, and is a great live performer. On the other hand, Casey constantly seems like he’s ripping off other artists that are more talented than he is.  Last week he sounded a little like Eddie Vedder and this week he sounded a bit like a less-talented Gavin DeGraw (at least he didn’t sing I Don’t Wanna Be for the billionth time on Idol).  Casey didn’t work very hard to impress us, and that’s not alright with me.  C

Next up was Sourbox singing Come To My Window by Melissa Etheridge.  Crystal looked at home with her weird lamp/microphone stand, busted up guitar, harmonica and her standard dirty hippie clothes.  She came across as comfortable, controlled, and seemed to enjoy herself on stage.  I agree with the judges: the arrangement was a bit weird, but Melissa Etheridge was a perfect pick for Sourbox.  It was a pretty good performance.  B

Up next was my sparkly eyed husband singing Simple Man by Lynyrd Skynyrd.  Lee sounded fantastic with the classic country-rock tune, an utterly perfect fit for his voice.  Like last week, he exuded a sort of confidence that we hadn’t really seen before … and it works well for him.  Simon: “I don’t think you won round one, I think you just crushed the other two after that performance.”  A

Back to perform the judge’s first pick was Casey singing Daughters by John Mayer, as chosen by Randy and Kara.  For me, this pick was a bit cheesy; an obvious stab at his core audience of girls.  Casey didn’t sound too bad singing it, but I was disappointed that he didn’t really try change up the song all that much.  The judges all seemed happy (to varying degrees), but I just wasn’t all that impressed.  Can you tell who I think won’t make it to the finale? C+

Next up, Ellen picked Maybe I’m Amazed by Paul McCartney for Crystal.  As you learned a few weeks ago, all a performance really needs to have is a tiny hint of Beatles and I’ll instantly love it.  This performance was no exception!  A great arrangement, a great song, and a great, emotional performance.  I love Sourbox!  Fantastic job!  A

Is anyone else sick of Ryan referring to DeWyze as a paint salesman?  Is anyone else sick of contestants performing Leonard Cohen’s Hallelujah?  (See: Tim Urban, Jason Castro)  But let’s try to ignore the fact that Simon Cowell’s pick for Lee has been overdone on Idol.  Let’s focus on the fact that Lee was simply amazing.  I hate to say it, but American Idol is REALLY setting him up to win this competition.  Eight backup gospel singers?  A big timpani drum ending?  All of the judges squirting jizz in his face?  None of the other contestants had it so good.  Sourbox deserves it more, but Lee just won American Idol.  A+

So I heard there was a sacred chord that DeWyze sang and it pleased the world, but you don’t really care for Idol, do ya?  What did you think of the night’s performances?  Did American Idol just hand the whole thing to Lee?  Or does Sourbox still have a boot kick’n chance?  Maybe you can Amaze me with your comments?!

But Before I Go, A Special Warning: Justin Bieber performs on tonight’s result show.  The invasion continues!!

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In Case You Missed It…

Leave a Comment Posted by on May 16, 2010

As I mentioned earlier this week, Sourbox and my husband were simply amazing in their performance of Falling Slowly from the movie Once. In case you missed it, here it is:

http://www.youtube.com/v/jkQXthRMnSMhl=en_USfs=1

If you’re feeling blue and really want to explode with tears from yer eyeballs, also check out the original performance by Glen Hansard & Marketa Irglova or my husband from last season, Kris Allen’s version. There’s also about 29,000 covers of the song on YouTube if you’re really, really bored.

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Sport’n Wood. Hollywood, that is.

8 Comments Posted by on May 12, 2010


We’re only 2 weeks away from the 9th season finale of American Idol and why not reuse a theme and mentor from last year?  The show still gets ratings, so why bother doing anything original?!  It’s movie theme night (My fingers are still crossed for the theme from Ghostbusters!) and Jamie Foxx is back to invade comfort zones, hand out t-shirts (huh?) and just overall suck.   Let’s get this over with…

Up first was my husband singing Seal’s Kiss From a Rose from Batman Forever.  We’ve sat by for what feels like years with Lee, and he has finally grown and matured in this competition.  This is a guy with confidence, he’s having a great time on stage, and he’s smiling!  This wasn’t the greatest of his performances, but it was a’ight for me, dawg. B

Next up was Big Fat Michael Lynche with MJ’s Will You Be There from Free Willy.  Apparently he set a goal last year that he’d make it to top three, so I’m already voting that he goes home this week!  Oh, and I’m seriously holding myself back from a Free Willy fat joke… While Mike sings fairly well, I really just don’t like him.  His arrogance just really bothers me.  And for me, this performance was just MEH, and I have trouble caring. C

In order for Idol to fill an entire hour, they’re pairing the contestants into two duet performances.  Our first duet was Lee and Crystal who decided (or were told to) perform Glen Hansard and Markéta Irglová’s Falling Slowly from Once.  Do you think that the producers paired the two strongest performers together on purpose?  A preview of the finale?!  This song resulted in a a near tear explosion for me … simply amazing.  Love them, love them, love them, love them, love them.  Even their chemistry was fantastic, and if I wasn’t already married to Lee, I would expect them to immediately mate and produce super Idol babies. A+

Up next was Casey singing Simon and Garfunkel’s Mrs. Robinson from The Graduate.  Casey was trying hard to sound like Eddie Vedder as he plopped his ass on the stage and strummed on a ukulele.  His vibrato was very messy, and I just wasn’t digging his voice.  Casey is trying his best to beat Fat Mike out for the number three spot, and I’m questioning if he will. C

With the last solo performance, Crystal Bowersox performed Kenny Loggins’ I’m Alright from Caddyshack.  Despite an odd movie choice, she grabbed a 4-iron off of her golf cart and smacked this one right down the fairway.  Yea, I don’t know anything about golf … but I try.  She sounded simply fantastic — love her! A

Finally we were treated to another duet performance, this one starring Mike and Casey.  Singing Bryan Adams’ Have You Ever Really Loved A Woman from Don Juan DeMarco, this odd pairing was … awkward.  As they sang about loving women, they exchanged odd looks and nods that just came across as a little creepy.  If you ignore the looks and focus on the music, they did a pretty good job.  No where as good as the first duet, but good.  Ellen: “As a matter of fact, yes I really have loved a woman.” Casey & Mike’s performance B, Ellen for her joke A+

So what did you think?  Who’s going to go home?  Who did you love?  And have you ever really loved a woman?  Sing me a song in the comments!

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CINCO DE FRIDAY!

8 Comments Posted by on May 7, 2010

¡Hola mis amigos! ¡Por favor, enjoy-o de las Cinco de Friday!

Welcome to Cinco De Friday, where I examine my five favorites of the week!  Yay, it’s Friday, and for me it’s the first day of a three-day weekend!  The best part about working for a failing disaster of a company?  Furlough Days!  They’re great as long as you ignore the fact that you’re not getting paid…  So what other great things happened this week?  It’s such a  coincidence that I can only think of Five!

Did you see the new preview for MACHETE?  No?  Then watch it now!  Straight from the sick mind of Robert Rodriguez, comes this instant classic pulp flick (based on one of the fake trailers from Grindhouse) starring half of Hollywood!  Seriously, this film has Danny Trejo, Michelle Rodriguez, Jessica Alba, Robert De Niro, Lindsay Lohan, Cheech Marin, Jeff Fahey (more on him in a second!), Steven Seagal, Don Johnson and Rose McGowan.  Splashing blood, profanity, bouncing cars, Lilo dressed like a nun, … I can’t wait to fuck with the wrong Mexican!

[This paragraph contains SPOILERS!!! from this week's episode of Lost] We didn’t see any splashing blood, but we did see LOTS OF DEATH ON LOST this week!  First Sayid died again (this time he went kabloowie as he rushed out of a room with a bomb in his hand), then Frank Lapidus (Jeff Fahey!) had a door pop off and knock him down (is he dead?!), and THEN Sun and Jin both drowned Titanic-style.  There was sad music and dead hands drifting apart … very sad!  And this all happened in about three minutes!  But are we even sad?  There are only a couple episodes left, and all these people are still alive in the alternate reality!  So let’s celebrate a crap-load main character deaths!

AARON KELLY can’t count on surviving in an alternate reality, cuz after Wednesday, he has a one-way ticket back to obscurity.  In a surprising twist, Aaron Kelly was voted off of American Idol this week!  It should of Casey … but who cares?  With only four contestants to go, we all know that Lee and Crystal will make it to the finale.  It doesn’t really matter what order that the rest go home in.  So let’s rejoice in the failure of Aaron Kelly.  And that near-cry face was classic!

Aaron Kelly is headed back to obscurity, but has CHELY WRIGHT ever left it? For weeks they’ve been teasing that some BIG CELEB would be coming out of the closet on May 5th.  They’d be on the cover of People and were already booked on Today, The View and Larry King Live.  Then a few days early, TMZ, Perez or some other site (who cares?) broke the news that Shelly Right, some country singer that no one has ever heard of, would be busting her way through the closet door!  While I have no idea who she is, I know how hard it is to come out of the closet, so I applaud you, Cheryl … Something!  Huzzah!

And finally, a lady who has never killed someone with a machete (that I know of).  A lady who didn’t die on Lost (yet).  A lady that didn’t get voted off of American Idol (she’s too old to compete) or come out of the closet (…yet?).  You guessed it … BETTY WHITE! I’m sure that you’ve had your fill of Betty White clips on Cocky & Rude this week, but here’s another one!  And another!  That’s right, we’re gunna ride this feature all the way to Saturday, folks, and there’s nothing you can do about it!  Don’t forget to watch Saturday Night Live on NBC!

So that’s my Cinco De Friday … what’s yours?

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