Welcome to the 8th week of Biggest C&R Loser 2013! This year we’ll be keeping all of the results and placings secret until the end of the contest. We’ll also be pooling our cash to award the 2013 winner the largest prize we’ve ever awarded … a whopping $40! This week’s theme is “TEMPTATION” – Everyone is tempted by something (food, laziness, sleep) when they should be eating healthy and exercising. What tempts the contestants? Let’s find out!
So this week, it’s Temptation. My biggest temptation is: Gay Porn. ‘Well DUH!’ I can hear you all saying now, but I mean as it relates to this contest. See, if I give in to the temptation of the uncounted amount of gay porn on the Internet, then I spend time watching that and NOT out walking. And after watching gay porn, I’m generally in need of replenishing my…energies. So I eat. And usually it’s snacky-stuff, that’s not healthy for me. So if I could resist the gay porn, I could be exercising more and eating better. …..but yeah, we ALL know that ain’t gonna happen.
My temptations are books, I’m either reading one (Don’t ya love my snazzy red e-reader?) or writing one and Chapman’s oatmeal cookies and chocolate ice-cream sandwiches. But they were on sale. How could I not buy them? I’m just a lazy ass all around. I should be up doing something useful and energetic, but I’d rather surf the net and do reading-type stuff. Which would explain why there is no way in hell I am winning the $40.
I’ve mostly been eating what I want. I’ve gotten over my cravings for sweets (fairly easy) and for salty snack foods (harder). But what I’m so so SO tempted by is caffeinated coffee. My physician took me off caffeine last summer, and I’ve been successful staying off. But man, when I get behind on grading papers, get up early to get work done before the kids wake up, and I’m sipping my third cup of decaf wondering why it isn’t doing it for me…dang. I’ve been jonesing for caffeine pretty badly lately.
Lately I’ve been tempted to actually lose weight. I’ve been considering a visit to the gym. I’ve even thought about counting calories. Maybe I’ll actually succumb to the temptation!!
What tempts me? My inner child. Grown up me knows she should eat right and exercise, but my inner child is quite the little temptress. What she says pretty much goes.
My number one temptation is take out. Living in NYC it is sooooo easy to order anything to your door, but that doesn’t necessarily mean you will eat well. At least once a week I am tired enough to think about ordering…but my brain denies it.
I get tempted so easily. Mostly by peanut butter and anything else that starts with the word, “Reese’s.” Late at night when I’m watching Chelsea Lately, I think that should be exercising. Instead, I just close my eyes and imagine that I am Mena Suvari in American Beauty, being showered with rose petals. Except that it’s me instead of Mena, and I’m being showered with jars of PB. And then I get hit in the head and wake up. Then it’s time for bed.
My biggest temptation is eating delicious quick unhealthy foods. I’m a sucker for pizza. Making healthy choices is more expensive and more work, and I’m just lazy I guess.
Guess what? It’s Friday! Yippie Skippy! This week Michelle and I decided to each contribute 2.5 Friday favorites to everyone’s favorite Cocky & Rude Friday feature: It’s The Friday Five!
1) American Horror Story. (Michelle) Why are there flies on those apples…? My favorite show of the new season! The storyline keeps moving along with neat little twists. Last night’s was fantastic – too bad I had already read about it on the internet 
. Jessica Lange plays my favorite character. She does a wonderful job playing someone you love to hate and hate to love. Tate and Moira are other characters that tread the line between sympathetic and despicable. Guest spots by Mena Suvari, Zachary Quinto and Eric Stonestreet keep the show fresh. And there’s just the right amount of gruesome to satisfy this horror fan. If you’re not watching, you should be.
2) Hot chocolate. (Michelle) Hurray! It’s hot chocolate season. I like to throw a couple Hershey’s kisses in mine to make it extra chocolatey. And a splash of peppermint schnapps doesn’t hurt either.
3) This. (Michelle)
3.5) This. (Adam) (Even though everyone has already seen it because I shared it on Facebook.) (And even though it’s missing an apostrophe.) It’s so funny!
4) The Hunger Games trilogy. (Adam) Mikey raved about it … so I decided to give it a chance. Ever since I graduated from college (with a bachelor’s degree in English) I’ve strayed away from that whole ‘reading’ thing. I few books here and there, but overall I’m a book burnout. I started reading the first book in Montreal and (according to my Kindle) I’m now 61% of the way through the third. It’s a lot of fun (even though it’s a young adult series) and I can’t wait for the movie! Have you seen the trailer yet? It looks sooooo good!
5) Chinese Food. (Adam) I recently discovered that my local Chinese Restaurant’s recipes for vegetable lo mein and spring rolls are vegan (or so they claim), and now I can’t get enough! Noodles, broccoli, weird looking mushrooms that they probably found growing in the sludge next to the dumpster, assorted other mystery vegetables … omg! Spring rolls stuffed with random nondescript and often colorless vegetables all coated in a crispy deep-fried shell? PLUS they claim that it’s all “healthy” Chinese food! Who cares if they’re lying? Nom nom nom nom nom nom nom!!
Runners Up This Week: staying in bed until 5 minutes before you’re supposed to leave for work (because the bed is warm and the apartment is cold) and then running around like a maniac to get ready, snuggling with Spring until she attacks, getting surprise gifts in the mail from Michelle M., getting calendars in the mail from Polt, Beavis & Butt-Head, and of course: hardcore gay pornography.
I just looked at the calendar, and ya know what I found? It’s Friday. And here at C&R, that can only mean one thing. We’re all going to sing Rebecca Black songs! It’s time for the Friday Five:
1. The New TV Season! Nearly all of the new shows this season are sucking some major shit… but Terra Nova was pretty good. Did you watch it? (Yea, yea, it’s sci-fi on Fox so I give it about half a season before they cancel it.) To make up for the lackluster crop of new shows, there’s plenty of great returning series that I’m excited about. Breaking Bad has been breathtakingly amazing! Plus It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Parks & Recreation, Fringe, Happy Endings, and Modern Family are all going strong. And I still love Glee, no matter what you say!
2. Andy Rooney is stepping down from 60 Minutes at the tender age of 472. Slacker! I hate lazy people that decide to retire early. They’re all so smug and rich. Ugh! Hate that! And who is Andy Rooney, anyway? I’m 31 … does anyone my age watch 60 Minutes? After a little bit of research, I’ve discovered that he’s a crotchety old geezer with ridiculous eyebrows. Jesus, man! Trim your forehead bush! Here’s some funny videos that make fun of Andy Rooney:
3. Taking personal days off of work is pretty great! I’ve worked at the same company for about 50 years, and I don’t think I’ve ever just taken a personal day. I’ve pre-scheduled ‘personal time’ before, but I’ve never just called out of work without lying about an illness. “Hey, it’s Adam … I’m going to take a personal day today. Call me if you need me … I’ll see you tomorrow.” It’s great! You should try it! I did it on Wednesday, so I could take a nap in the afternoon before training my way to NYC to have dinner with Mr. Sombrero and a friend. By the way, my favorite (made up) sick day excuse: “Hey it’s Adam. I’m going to take a sick day today. I’ve been up all night … the diarrhea is just awful. I must have food poisoning or something. It’s all over the walls of my apartment. I think it might even be on the ceiling. Oh God! I gotta go! See ya tomorrow!” I actually did that. It received a few hearty chuckles.
4. Beards. I find beards on guys to be incredibly sexy. And I mean facial hair — not a gay guy’s fake girlfriend that’s on him. Just to clear that up. Anyway — I’ve never really had a beard for more than a couple weeks before. I always end up getting frustrated (because they’re either itchy or begin to act like a drool sponge when I’m sleeping) but I’m totally over my beard’s itchy/sponginess. All you gotta do is wipe your face off when you wake up. Use an absorbent material like a paper towel or your boyfriend’s sheet. It works great! Yea, so I’m rock’n a beard right now. And I look goooood.
5. Apples are in season! Woohoo! With the beginning of autumn comes apple season. Yay, cheap delicious fruit at the grocery store! My three favorite apples are: 1. Jazz, 2. Honeycrisp and 3. Fuji. Someone bake me some vegan apple crisp with a side of vegan apple pie! Yum! I hope that apartment that Tam’s renting in NYC next weekend has an oven … so she can bake for me! Yay!
That’s it bitches! My five favorites of the week are: TV, Andy Rooney, Taking Personal Days, Beards and Apples! What a loverly assortment of favorite things. I’m totally more creative than that queefing madwoman or that other chick that doesn’t read C&R. Runners up this week: free food, reading, regularly cleaning your toilet, bursts of energy, fancy nail clippers, my Kindle, exclamation points, masturbating and hardcore gay porn. Woohoo!
What’s your Friday Five? Tell me in the comments!
I decided that maybe I’d bone up on the Bible, to increase my chances of getting raptured today.
But then I realized that if I was going to bone up on anything, it might as well involve boning.
See ya’ll in hell!
I’m sick of Facebook. I think I’d delete my account if it wasn’t my only means of communication with so many people.
I wish the Home Depot in Flemington, NJ was open later than 8pm on Sundays.
Woah, it’s 68 degrees outside!
I’m in the mood for Ritas.
Boca Spicy Chik’n Patties are delicious.
Lately I’ve been obsessed with seedless watermelon.
I’m so proud of myself for not forgetting to take any of my antibiotic pills for seven days straight. Three more days to go!
I wish I could stop coughing.
After the move, my car was a disaster. I spent nine dollars at the car wash to vacuum and clean every square inch, inside and out. Then it rained.
I went to 6 stores yesterday looking for a cheap 8000 BTU window unit air conditioner. I bought nothing in each of the stores, but managed to abandon a cart in each one of the store’s air conditioner rows. Sorry
I bought one today at BJ’s Wholesale Club. $170 felt like the deal of a lifetime.
I moved almost a week ago and am ALMOST finished unpacking. I’m so lazy for taking so long to unpack!
I need to start dating before I die of old age.
I watched Marley & Me today and balled my eyes out. It’s a good thing that Spring is immortal.
I finally bought curtains for my living room at Target on Friday. Now I can walk naked around the whole apartment and no one will ever see me.
Does anyone else feel guilty for using the dishwasher?
I’m tired.
I love my new Kindle. I finished Sarah Silverman’s The Bedwetter: Stories of Courage, Redemption, and Pee and just started Kathy Griffin’s Official Book Club Selection.
My friend told me that Jennifer Aniston’s wardrobe in Marley & Me was supposed to be great. I didn’t notice at all … does that make me a bad gay? Oh wait, my new green curtains match two of my throw pillows and a picture on the wall. I’m good.
Both the Celebrity Apprentice Limited Edition Snapple teas are disgusting. How hard could it have been? I could have designed a better flavor than Bret Michaels and Holly Robinson Peete. I should be the Celebrity Apprentice!
My new apartment smells funny.
I can’t believe that I’m going to be 30 in less than a month.
Have you seen Rainbow Poo yet??
BreathSavers Spearmint 3-Hour Mints are delicious. If I crunch the whole package in 5 minutes, will my breath smell good for days?
Inception looks awesome.
Get Him to the Greek was pretty funny.
In 2 weeks, this ginger will be at the beach for a week. Someone please ready the vegan sunscreen, SPF 1,000,000.
Fuck you, BP.
Yay, True Blood: season 3 starts next Sunday!
OMG so many thoughts! It must be a Manic Monday!
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Have You Ever… Shat?!
1. vulgar. Expel feces from the body.
2. vulgar. Soil one’s clothes as a result of expelling feces accidentally.
The rules to Have You Ever?! are simple: For each question that you answer ‘yes’ to, give yourself a single point. When you reach the end of the quiz, add up your points and post your total in the comments.
1. Have you ever shat in a toilet?
7. Have you ever shat while watching TV?
15. Have you ever shat in the woods?
22. Have you ever shat during sex?
2. Have you ever shat because you were scared?
3. Have you ever shat while reading?
4. Have you ever shat while sending a text message?
5. Have you ever shat while talking on the telephone?
6. Have you ever shat while surfing the Internet?
8. Have you ever shat while tweeting?
9. Have you ever shat so much that it clogged a toilet in your own home?
10. Have you ever shat so much that it clogged a toilet in someone else’s home?
11. Have you ever shat so much that it clogged a toilet in a public restroom?
12. Have you ever shat on the side of the road?
13. Have you ever shat in a porta-potty?
14. Have you ever shat in an outhouse?
16. Have you ever shat in your pants by accident?
17. Have you ever shat your pants because you couldn’t get to the bathroom fast enough?
18. Have you ever shat your pants while driving?
19. Have you ever shat into your hand?
20. Have you ever shat in a shower or bathtub?
21. Have you ever shat in a brown paper bag with the intent to light it on fire on someone’s doorstep?
23. Have you ever shat while receiving or performing fellatio (or cunnilingus) on the toilet?
24. Have you ever shat while having sex on the toilet?
25. Have you ever shat onto someone else?
Now go take a shit, wipe, pull up your pants, wash your hands, come back to the computer, and then tell us your total in the comments!
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