Ladies and gentleman, please allow me to welcome you to the first annual Cocky Awards! Throughout the month of December, Mikey and I will be awarding these glorious trophies to all of our (and your) favorites of 2010. So sit back, relax and enjoy the show!
This year’s Cocky Award trophy design is based solely upon my oft amputated arm. Now the subject of a major motion picture, my arm has been removed a number of times in the last year. The stylish ‘golden fist’ design represents the power and perseverance of the recipients. Valued at just over one billion dollars each, the Cocky Award is made of the finest quality graphics and fonts. Each trophy is hand-crafted from staggeringly rich RGB colors. But enough about the trophy — let’s get to our first group of winners.
Our First Category:
Performance In Cocky & Rude Have You Ever?! Quizzes
This group of winners performed exceptionally in our ongoing series of 2010 Have You Ever?! Quizzes. Where most participants received average, middle-of-the road scores, these elite few outshined the rest. After a lot of adding, averaging, general mathing and complex results fudging, here are the results:
MOST PURE: FDot
The first award of the season goes to FDot for consistently scoring incredibly low on nearly ever quiz. FDot is clearly as pure as a fluffy white cloud covered in freshly fallen snow and fluffy piles of kittens. Odds are fairly good that he’s never used a public restroom, entered a moving vehicle, entered a workplace, gone to school, gone outside, been pierced or tattooed, slept in a bed or even used the Internet for much more than taking quizzes on C&R. Congratulations FDot, your innocence is astounding!
MOST IMPURE: Kris
While he may have taken all of his tests with a little help from Polt, that doesn’t make Kris’ victory any less impressive. With an average quiz score of 12.33, Kris is the most impure of all of us. Congratulations Kris, you’re utterly disgusting!
MOST IMPURE (FIRST RUNNER UP): Paul
While he may not be the most impure, Paul is certainly close. With an average quiz score of 11.14, Paul is pretty damn gross. Congratulations Paul, you’re almost as disgusting as Kris!
Also scoring impressively high averages were Polt (11), Jere (10.75), Enrico (10.25), Josh (10.11) and Mikey (9.33). While all of your scores were impressive, they just weren’t high enough to earn a trophy. My suggest: try harder next time! You have an entire year to slut it up, pierce yourself and do all sorts of illicit and illegal activities! With your eye on the prize — no one can stop you!
And that’s all for our first award category. Leave your kind words of congratulation and your acceptance speeches in the comments!
It’s not over yet! Look for Cocky Award posts throughout the month of December, culminating in our Reader’s Choice Cocky Awards results on December 30th and 31st! The first of a series of Reader’s Choice ballots posts at noon today.