Last year, C&R told you the truth about the first Thanksgiving, and how it lead to the birth of Polt. In case you’ve forgotten, here it is:
About 7000 years ago, this dude named Columbus sailed across the Atlantic Ocean. The Queen of Spain had given him three boats: The Nina, the Pinta and the Titanic. After 14 days and 14 nights, Columbus landed at Plymouth Acclaim Rock where he met Pocahontas and George Washington! Pocahontas was totally turned off by Columbus’s bad style (buckles and funny black hats), so she went off to have a threesome with John Smith and the Hunchback of Notre Dame. Columbus was SO pissed (because Pocahontas had nice tits and he wanted to motorboat them), that he raped a bunch of Native American and gave them all smallpox. Rude!
Polt's Proud Papa!
To celebrate his mascara, Columbus, Lois, Clark and Ernie Hudson all went to an Indian casino and saw a live performance by Barry Manilow! Columbus instantly turned gay and fell in love with Barry. That night they had crazy butt sex. One year later, Baby Polt sprung from Barry Manilow’s loins! Everyone was happy and gave each other blowjobs to commemorate the day of Polt’s birth. Columbus dressed Baby Polt in purple, and fed him a first meal of microwaved Lean Cuisine turkey, apple cobbler and maize.
And so began the American tradition of Thanksgiving: the day in which we all give thanks for Polt. We’ve celebrated it every year on this day since the beginning of time (Polt is very old), and will continue to do so until we become bored with the whole damn thing. (source)
But that’s not quite the end of the story. Today is Black Friday, and wouldn’t you just know it — Polt was there for the very first Black Friday! Here’s how it happened:
6985 years ago, Polt (who was 14, if you do the math) was having sex for the first time with a cute little Asian boy named George Takei. Suddenly, something hit him right in the face! After he wiped himself off, he had a thought: what if the people of the United States celebrated his birth every year by having butt sex with Asians (preferably with hairthings)? Without hesitation, he grabbed his purple iPhone and told Suri Cruise to call his BFF, President Abraham Lincoln.
Polt and A Local Celebrity, President Top Hat enjoy some pornography.
A Local Celebrity, President Top Hat (as Polt used to call him) thought that it was a grand idea, as he had just finished “banging Margaret Cho ‘old-school style’ in the oval office while both Florence Nightingale and Florence Henderson watched.” Polt commended the President on his stellar cocksmanship and wished him a good evening.
The next day, President Lincoln called a special joint session of Congress (it was on a Saturday!) where all the Democrats and douchey Republicans argued about Polt’s idea of Asian Sex Friday. George Washington thought it might be a little “too controversial” and Bill Clinton was concerned that he would only be allowed to have sex once a year. At one point, Al Sharpton just started screaming “racist!” over and over again.
After years of debate, temper tantrums and filibustering (oh, and we can’t forget Polt’s daily nagging messages on Facebook), Congress decided to officially name the day after Thanksgiving: “Butt Sex with a Latin, Indian, Spanish, Caucasian, African, Arabic or Black Friday.” Polt and A Local Celebrity, President Top Hat celebrated the naming of the official holiday by going to see ‘How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying’ on Broadway. In the middle of the performance, Harry Potter zapped A Local Celebrity, President Top Hat in the head with his wand and assassinated him. Bummer!
Over the years, the name of the day after Thanksgiving has been shortened to: “Black Friday.” The meaning has also changed slightly, as it is now associated with shopping. (Because everyone knows that shopping is better than sex!)
And that’s how Black Friday really came to be! Happy Black Friday Birthday, Polt!
Welcome to Cocky & Rude Fight Club: ROUND THREE! The rules to the game are simple. Each week we’ll re-introduce our fighters. We’ll give them each a chance to speak their mind. Then we’ll put the results to vote. You’ll pick which combatant will decimate their opponent in the knock-down, drag-out brawl of Cocky & Rude Fight Club! Let’s meet this week’s fighters…
Each week of Round Three, we’ll drop three Round Two winners into the ring and see who remains standing after a 24-hour Cocky & Rude Fight Club vote. Today’s contestants are: Mr. Sombrero, Ty & Ryan.
So far, I’ve destroyed uno, dos, TRES opponents in this silly battle. What makes you silly American think that I can’t defeat DOS more? I come from Mexico, where we murder people for fun. I will rain down on all of you with the hot sauce fiery fury of a Taco Bell restroom! Ty? That silly, bald American could never win at the Mexican version of Jeopardy! In our version, we play for tacos and kill the losers. And the winners. And Ryan? My churro could beat his cupcake any day of the week. I will destroy them both with my sombrero pulled down over my eyes! ¡Ay, caramba y yo quiero Taco Bell! -Mr. Sombrero
In his C&R Fight Club Round 1 battle, resident Jeopardy! genius Ty faced off against the the wheelchair-bound Stephen Hawking. After a fierce competition, The theoretical physicist and cosmologist proved no match for man that tells federal judges what to do, when Ty trounced Hawking with 73% of the popular vote. In Round 2, a very pale Ty faced off against the recently employed Mush and law student extraordinaire, Jere. Ty proved that he wasn’t only good at fighting physically disabled people when he beat the two with 44% of the popular vote. Will his pale skin and giant brain be enough to defeat Mr. Sombrero and Ryan? Soon we’ll find out!
I didn’t sign up for this, I’m up against the head writer’s boyfriend, and — AND — even if I win, I have to face a Wonder Woman at least 2.5 times as sassy as Lynda Carter. In light of all that, I don’t really have the energy for smack talk. Instead, here’s TV Guide’s summary for tonight’s episode of Whitney: “Whitney catches Alex eyeing [sic] a sightly woman and punishes him by refusing to talk to him.” YEAH!!!! -Ty
In his C&R Fight Club Round 1 battle, Ryan with a Cupcake faced off against his mortal enemy, The Muffin Man. The voice of the people was strong (and muffin-hating) as Ryan managed to earn a fantastic 99% of the popular vote. In Round 2, Ryan faced off against blogging superstar and world celebrity, the cocky, the rude, the egomaniac: Adam … and Chris D.And Adam won! Somehow, Ryan managed to defeat the dynamic duo with 49% of the popular vote. Adam thinks that he may have cheated. (He didn’t.) Will he cupcake his way to victory against Mr. Sombrero and Ty? We’ll find out soon enough!
Judging by his trash talk in the last round, Ty is just another nice guy. I would have thought that the milkman would have taught Ty how to stand up for himself. Meanwhile, all I have to do is take Mr. Sombrero’s hat to give him a crippling crisis of identity.
Who will win in the battle of Mr. Sombrero vs. Ty vs. Ryan? There’s only one rational way to decide who will win this battle. We’re putting this no-holds-barred fight to a vote. The poll will be open for approximately 24 hours, and you may vote as many times as you want. That’s right — we’re not blocking repeat votes, so vote now and vote often for your favorite Cocky & Rude Fight Club opponent.
Check back on Sunday for the results!
Thanks to Mr. Sombrero, Ty & Ryan for your assistance with this post!
Welcome to Cocky & Rude Fight Club: ROUND TWO! The rules to the game are simple. Each week we’ll re-introduce our fighters. We’ll give them each a chance to speak their mind. Then we’ll put the results to vote. You’ll pick which combatant will decimate their opponent in the knock-down, drag-out brawl of Cocky & Rude Fight Club! Let’s meet this week’s fighters…
Each week of Round Two, we’ll drop three Round One winners into the ring and see who remains standing after a 24-hour Cocky & Rude Fight Club vote. Today’s contestants are: Ryan, Chris D. & Adam!
On July 28th, Ryan With A Cupcake (a.k.a. Ryan Sans Cupcake, look at those abs!) faced off against his mortal enemy: The Muffin Man. In the battle of cupcake vs. muffin, Ryan managed to defeat his opponent with a staggering 99% of the popular vote.
Adam and Chris are going down. I’ve already crushed Adam in the Biggest Cock and Rudest Loser contest by losing more than twice as much weight as he did. As soon as the bell rings, he will piss his pants and then be too distracted trying to figure out what the puddle looks like to defend himself. Meanwhile, Chris is just too nice to win. He only won last time because Mr. Rogers out-niced his ass. Of course, the real reason to vote for me is to get me to show of the clothes I bought last weekend. -Ryan
The following week, the eternally nice Chris D. went up against the deceased nice, Mister Rogers. But everyone’s favorite cardigan sweater-wearing nice guy was no match for Chris D.’s power of … life. Chris D. defeated Mister Rogers with an impressive 88% of the popular vote.
I am going to beat Adam because if Adam wins, he will be dogged by rumors that this whole thing was rigged for decades. Would you seriously want to do that to poor sweet Adam? Vote for me, for Adam’s sake! Ryan could be a bit of a challenge. He is more popular than me, he is probably cooler than me, and lately he’s looking quite fit… BUT I’m the underdog! And if there is one thing that we believe in, it is the ability of the quirky underdog to triumph over insurmountable odds! So vote for me, because I am less popular, and less cool than Ryan! -Chris D.
Our final C&R Fight Club Round One match pitted Adam against the overweight, immature, spoiled, outspoken, lazy, foul-mouthed, mean-spirited, racist, sexist, anti-semitic, sociopathic, and narcissistic Eric Cartman. In the end, all of those adjectives were no match for Adam, who defeated Eric Cartman with 84% of the popular vote. -Adam
Seriously? This is my blog. Do you think that Chris D. and Ryan can beat me? Those two are nothing compared to me! Do you hear me? NOTHING! My time is better spent illustrating tweets, photographing piss puddles and coming up with creative ways to use the photo of Polt’s ass in new and exciting ways. Now vote me for. NOW!
Who will win in the battle of Ryan vs. Chris D. vs. Adam? There’s only one rational way to decide who will win this battle. We’re putting this no-holds-barred fight to a vote. The poll will be open for approximately 24 hours, and you may vote as many times as you want. That’s right — we’re not blocking repeat votes, so vote now and vote often for your favorite Cocky & Rude Fight Club opponent.
Check back on Sunday for the results!
Thanks to Michelle M., Ryan & Chris D. for your assistance with this post!
It’s been a long first round of Cocky & Rude Fight Club, but it has drawn to a close with last Thursday’s bout. Thursday saw the overweight, immature, spoiled, outspoken, lazy, foul-mouthed, mean-spirited, racist, sexist, anti-semitic, sociopathic, and narcissistic Eric Cartman face off against the cocky, rude, adorable and loveable … ME! Did you really think that I’d lose? The C&R readers love me! Even when I call your genitals gross, I can do no wrong. I cast exactly ZERO votes in this poll, yest still managed to earn 183 votes (84% of the vote). Eric Cartman was easily defeated; earning just 35 votes (18% of the vote). I attribute this win to your deep love of all things ‘Adam’. And maybe the fact that Eric Cartman is a cartoon. Nah … I only won because you love me.
Welcome to THE FINAL FIGHT OF THE FIRST ROUND OF Cocky & Rude Fight Club! The rules to the game are simple. Each week we’ll introduce our fighters. We’ll do the leg work and help you analyze their strengths and weaknesses. Then we’ll put the results to vote. You’ll pick which combatant will decimate their opponent in the knock-down, drag-out brawl of Cocky & Rude Fight Club! Let’s meet this week’s fighters…
AKA / Alias / Nicknames: Mr. Cartmanez, The Coon First Appearance: December 1992 in the short, Jesus vs. Frosty Place of Birth: South Park, Colorado Nationality: American Hair Color: brown Current Residence: South Park, Colorado Relationship Status: single Religion: Roman Catholic Occupations (current and/or past): Student, occasional politcian, occasional musician, occasional vigilante Height & Weight: a lot (he’s big boned and has used Weight Gain 3000), Favorite song: possibly Styx, Come Sail Away Favorite Food: Pot Pies, Cheesy Poofs Common Attire: Red shirt, brown pants, black shoes, blue and yellow winter hat Most Hated: Jews, Hippies, Gingers Known for: Cartman once murdered the parents of his nemisis (Scott Tenorman, a ginger), ground them up into chili, and fed them to him. Catch Phrases: “Shut up you stupid Jew,” “Respect my authority,” “No kitty that’s a bad kitty!” and “Screw you guys. I’m going home” Claim to Fame: Many have tried to kill Eric Cartman, but although he is frequently caprtured or abducted, he continues to thrive on the stupidity of the masses. Favorite curse word: Shit, Fuck
Voiced by Trey Parker, Cartman is an overweight, immature, spoiled, outspoken, lazy, foul-mouthed, mean-spirited, racist, sexist, anti-semitic, sociopathic, narcissistic, and ill-tempered third- then fourth-grader living with his mother in the fictional town of South Park, Colorado, where he routinely has extraordinary experiences not typical of conventional small-town life. Cartman is one of the most popular characters on the show and has remained one of the most recognizable television characters ever since South Park became a hit during its first season. Parker and Stone describe the character as “a little Archie Bunker”, and state that he is their favorite character, and the one with whom they most identify. During its fifteen seasons, South Park has received both praise and criticism for Cartman’s tendency to be politically incorrect and shockingly profane. Prominent publications and television channels have included Cartman on their lists of the most iconic television and cartoon characters of all time. Eric Cartman’s secret weapons include: the utter lack of a conscious, the drive to do and get anything he wants, and uncompromising hatred towards anything that crosses him.
AKA / Alias / Nicknames: Adam-Shmadam, Sully, Gingy Date of Birth: July 5th, 1980 Place of Birth: Somerville, NJ Nationality: American Mutt Hair Color: reddish blondish brownish Current Residence: Ringoes, NJ Relationship Status: dating Mr. Sombrero Religion: atheist Occupations (current and/or past): graphic artist, retail, receptionist, mail room clerk, library page Height & Weight: more and more every day, 6ft Favorite song: The Beatles, While My Guitar Gently Weeps Favorite Food: anything vegan and delicious Common Attire: plaid, flip flops Most Hated: Racists, The R-Word, Pickles, Mustard Known for: thinking vaginas and penises are gross Catch Phrases: “Craig has a small penis” Claim to Fame: Prolific blogger, has never made a mistake in his life Favorite curse word: “Goddamn Mother Fucker!”
Everyone’s favorite blogger (no, not Craig) is finally ready to fight. After 17 Cocky & Rude Fight Club bouts, the ringleader is stepping into his ring. Here’s his story… Adam was born a little over 31 years ago to rich, famous and well-connected parents. But his luck quickly ran out when he was accidentally swapped by an inattentive hospital worker. Thus he was given to a family of more average fortunes. In his new family, he became a middle child, starved for attention at all times. A public school education left him feeling empty and unfulfilled, as did college. He stumbled into a career of graphic arts, where he excels but is rarely appreciated. Almost by accident, he created Cocky & Rude, where his true potential has been so perfectly realized. Adam is a master of poop jokes, silliness, grossness, games, quizzes and urine photography. Adam’s secret weapons include the great powers of plaid, his loyal (and psychotic) Spring, an army of ceramic garden gnomes, a red Honda Fit, and a urine-soaked digital camera.
Who will win in the battle of ERIC CARTMAN vs. ADAM? Will Cartman defeat Adam with his hatred of gingers and hippies? Or will Adam use his plaid shirts and cocky and rude attitude to conquer Cartman? There’s only one rational way to decide which fighter will win this battle. We’re putting this no-holds-barred fight to a vote. The poll will be open for approximately 24 hours, and you may vote as many times as you want. That’s right — we’re not blocking repeat votes, so vote now and vote often for your favorite Cocky & Rude Fight Club opponent.
Check back on Sunday for the results!
Thanks to Michelle M. for your assistance with this post!
If the results of this week’s Cocky & Rude Fight Club are any indication, the United States should just fling open its borders and never look back. Or at least on the Mexico side … we’re not quite sure about those Canadians just yet. In this week’s Fight Club bout, we saw Mr. Sombrero face off against a Redneck Border Patrolman. Mr. Sombrero DESTROYED the Minuteman with no effort at all — as soon as we started the fight, the hate-spewing, Sarah Palin lover ran back home to Texas and hid under his bed. Mr. Sombrero won with an amazing 151 votes (that’s 99% of the popular vote); the Redneck earned only 2 votes (1% of the popular vote). C&R voters came out in force this week — it’s the most votes for a single Fight Club bout we’ve seen since our second battle, where Captain Kirk defeated the disgraced blogger, Craig.
There’s been a lot of scandal (both political and otherwise) on the news lately. Of course there’s Anthony Weiner, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Dominique Strauss-Khan, but as I’m sure you’re aware — they’re hardly the first. And we all know that they won’t be the last. Could you be the subject of the world next big scandal? Probably not … but let’s find out anyway.
You know the rules: For each question that you answer ‘yes’ to, give yourself a single point. When you reach the end of the quiz, add up your points and post your total in the comments.
Have You Ever?!
1. Have you ever committed fraud, conspiracy, money laundering or theft? 2. Have you ever committed perjury? 3. Have you ever employed an illegal alien? 4. Have you ever cheated on your taxes? 5. Have you ever accepted bribes? 6. Have you ever been involved in illegal gambling? 7. Have you ever been involved in any sort of dog fighting or animal abuse? 8. Have you ever cheated on your significant other? 9. Have you ever gotten pregnant or impregnated someone as a result of cheating on your significant other? 10. Have you ever sat with a wide stance and tapped your foot in a public restroom to solicit sex? 11. Have you ever had an intimate encounter with a stranger in a public restroom? 12. Have you ever been forced by a scandal to out yourself as a gay American? 13. Have you ever taken nude photos of yourself? 14. Have you ever sent sexually suggestive tweets, texts, IMs or similar communications to someone? 15. Have you ever IMed, texted or tweeted dirty photos of yourself to someone else? 16. Have you ever IMed, texted or tweeted something racist, profane, or similarly controversial? 17. Have you ever had phone sex or dirty audio conversations with someone else? 18. Have you ever appeared in any state of undress or sexual arousal on Skype, Chatroulette, Manroulette, or any other web-based video communication? 19. Have you ever recorded a sex tape? 20. Have you ever had sex with a prostitute? 21. Have you ever been accused of sexual harassment in the workplace? 22. Have you ever talked about pubic hairs on your can of Coke in the workplace? 23. Have you ever inserted a cigar into someone’s vagina while at your workplace? 24. Have you ever murdered someone? 25. Have you ever raped someone?
The best thing to do right now is to get these indiscretions off your chest by telling us all your point total. Or many not, if you ever plan to run for political office…