Welcome to Cocky & Rude Fight Club: ROUND THREE! The rules to the game are simple. Each week we’ll re-introduce our fighters. We’ll give them each a chance to speak their mind. Then we’ll put the results to vote. You’ll pick which combatant will decimate their opponent in the knock-down, drag-out brawl of Cocky & Rude Fight Club! Let’s meet this week’s fighters…
Each week of Round Three, we’ll drop three Round Two winners into the ring and see who remains standing after a 24-hour Cocky & Rude Fight Club vote. Today’s contestants are: Michelle M., “The Kid” and FDot.
In her C&R Fight Club Round 1 fight, the queen of of the Puntabugang, Michelle M. faced off against the queen of all media, Oprah Winfrey. In what many thought would be a difficult match, Oprah queefed all the way to an easy knockout, when Michelle M. destroyed her with 87% of the popular vote. In Round 2, Michelle M. faced off against two worthy opponents: Captain Kirk and Polt. With firsts of fury, Michelle M. easily trounced the two with 66% of the popular vote. Michelle M. has recently adopted a gluten-free diet… with this help or hurt her? And with Cooper at her side, how will she stand up against “The Kid” and FDot?
These two don’t stand a chance. I mean, c’mon, I defeated Kirk. With one arm tied behind my back. There is no way that Fdot is ready to face me in the ring – he should just stay in the kitchen where he belongs. Those chocolate chip cookies aren’t going to make themselves. As for Kristin, face it, I’m older and I have more insurance.TOWANDA!!!!
In her C&R Fight Club Round 1 battle, Tam’s little princess, “The Kid” faced off again pop princess, Rebecca Black. With the assistance of her trusty steed, Sprinkles the Pony, “The Kid” defeated Black with just 59% of the popular vote. In Round 2, “The Kid” faced off against John and her own mother — and managed to defeat them both with 80% of the popular vote. “The Kid” is known for her movie references, hammering the refresh button, and she’s not afraid to beat up her own mother. But does she stand a chance against FDot and Michelle M.?
If you think adding a third person to this fight will phase me, think again. After being a thirteen man cage match in the underground back in ’97 there ain’t a chance that I’ll lose. I’m fierce and have put on over 10kilos of muscle from training with the highest class of security guards around. I’m strong, I’m tough and I’m god’s unwanted child. I plan on taking this ring by storm and not only will I tear up the competition I’ll tear out the ring, the crowd and anything that’s within the square kilometer. Just call me the Hulk because once I’m in the ring I’m ready to explode.
In his C&R Fight Club Round 1, ‘Fan Favorite‘ FDot faced off against ‘Fan Favorite’ Tom Hanks. FDot proved that there can only be on favorite when he defeated Tom Hanks with 67% of the popular vote. In Round 2, FDot faced off against a dynamic duo of opponents: Paul and VUBOQ. With just 46% of the popular vote, FDot managed to defeat them both. FDot is known for his powerful trash-talking ability and chocolate chip cookie bribery … but will that be enough to beat “The Kid” and Michelle M.? We will soon see…
So this week I have to face off against Inch High, Private Eye and The Fetus. No problem. For starters, Inchy already has a platform here every Monday, so a win for her could only lead to weekly doses of gloating. The Fetus should be disqualified as she’s not even of voting age yet. Besides, losing is good for a teenager, it builds character. As an extra precaution, I include pictures to keep Inchy and The Fetus distracted from voting: the world’s most expensive martini, and texting! I’d also remind the majority of the male population here that I’m single, easy, discreet and have no problem picking up the tab.
Who will win in the battle of Michelle M. vs. “The Kid” vs. FDot? There’s only one rational way to decide who will win this battle. We’re putting this no-holds-barred fight to a vote. The poll will be open for approximately 24 hours, and you may vote as many times as you want. That’s right — we’re not blocking repeat votes, so vote now and vote often for your favorite Cocky & Rude Fight Club opponent.
Check back on Sunday for the results!
Thanks to Michelle M., “The Kid” and FDot for your assistance with this post!
Boobs, Breasts, Knockers, Melons, Jugs, Ta-Tas, Fun Bags, Bazoongas, Tits, Honkers, Headlights, Hooters … whatever you call them, they’re just plain gross! Previously we’ve discussed why vaginas and penises are gross. Now it’s time to discuss those big, gross boobs of yours…
1. They flop around and need a special article of clothing to contain them.
2. They produce a natural beverage.
3. Over the years they begin to sag.
4. Boob sweat collects under the boob and can cause rashes or irritation.
5. They look like an ass on your chest.
6. Some have those blue veins running through them.
7. The nipples can be misshapen and sometimes look like pink erasers.
8. Some women get implants to make these gross things even bigger.
Last week, fresh from my vacation, I brought you my five best things about vacations, but sadly summer vacation season is coming to an end and we must once again live in a world where we do not have a sunny week all to ourselves. For every good thing there is a bad thing; and for every good vacation thing, there is a bad vacation thing. Or so I’m told that tranny principle works. Without further ado, I give you the five vacation worsts.
Traveling
I love to go places. I do not love getting there. On my most recent vacation trip I had to deal with the following: cramped bus seats, some dumb girl who insisted on having a loud conversation on her cellphone the ENTIRE bus trip, torrential rain in Delaware, stupid traffic in Delaware, and poor cellphone reception. I was promised that teleportation would be invented by now and I am suing whoever promised that to us. I’m looking at you William Shatner.
Jellyfish & Mole Eating Fish
While on my vacation, we encountered a variety of sea life. Most of which was nice to us. The dolphins or porpoises or whatever were really neat. The two aforementioned varieties were not so nice to us. Two people got stung by the ooey-gooey minions of death that haunt the oceans and I was viciously attacked by a fish that decided my mole was a tasty morsel. All of these attacks were shocking and at least one of them lead to the receiver screeching like a girl. That persons identity will remain nameless to protect their innocence.
Ursula
On the day that the jellyfish descended, one of our beach neighbors rain screaming from the beach dramatically as if she had seen a huge shark eat her kid. All she saw was a jellyfish. Over the next few days, we observed her behaviour and demeanor, which lead to her being nicknamed Ursula based upon her resemblance to that evil woman. She was quite unpleasant to be around. She cursed a blue streak, left her baby unattended in the heat, and fed that same baby beef jerky. I’m very glad that Ariel came to vanquish her with her queefs.
Sunburn
In my earlier post, I waxed poetic about the sun like I have never done before. Well I forgot to mention the sunburn I got in the most random places: my right ear (not both…just the one), the top of my left foot in a weird triangular patch, and just outside my armpits. I hate sunburn. It hurts and makes you feel hot all over. Gross….
The first day back
All of that bad doesn’t really compare to the final worst: returning to work and that first day back. If all the time you relaxed was to be bunched up and flipped inside out to become a walloping ball of stress, that would be your first day back to work. People ask you ten million questions about stuff that you have idea about because you were out of town for a week. Also there is the fact that you can’t sleep in.
The only answer to these worsts is to stay on vacation forever at a beach resort that has no human attacking animals, plenty of shade, and no one resembling a Disney Character. Don’t you agree?
Like last year at this time, Mikey has abandoned us for the sunny shores of Adam Corolla, North Carolina. We can only imagine that he’s again eating giant tubs of cheese balls, drinking gallons of alcohol and feasting on just a bit too much Nutella. I only hope that this year’s gluttonous behavior has not turned off his travel companion: Jeopardy! Champion Ty Cone. After a week of debauchery, it’s needless to say that Mikey is in no shape to write a Friday Five. So in his absence, Michelle M. and I have decided to each write a Friday 2.5. Because 2.5 + 2.5 = 5. I think. Yay math! Here goes…
Michelle M.’s First: Harry!
When we bought our house it came with a sunroom. We found out after the first rainfall that the sunroom came with major problems including leaky walls and a crap foundation. It would have to go.
Harry and his friends were going to tear it out this summer, but Harry ended up doing it all by himself. I mean, I know it’s not like he changed the ballast in a fluorescent light fixture, but still, I’m pretty darn impressed!
Adam’s First: Topping my list this week is Zoila Chavez, the housekeeper on Bravo’s Flipping Out. Over five seasons as Jeff Lewis’s house keeper on Flipping Out, Zoila has proven herself to be a smart-mouthed, occasionally working, hilarious addition to the design/house-flipping reality show. This season, Zoila had a facelift and recovered for a few episodes. That left Jeff to clean up for himself (including washing Zoila’s underwear) until he could find a temporary replacement. Hilarity ensued…
Michelle M.’s Second: The Woman in Black.I saw the trailer for this movie the other day. I LOVE scary movies. Especially the ones that keep me from sleeping at night. This one has lots of spooky elements: old timey photos, a decrepit house, rhyming, little girls, creepy ass dolls, creepy ass clown dolls, creepy ass monkey dolls, mud and a ghost. I can hardly wait! But I’ll have to – it doesn’t come out until Feb. 2012 : (.
Adam’s Second: This week, my #2 is Star Wars XXX: A Porn Parody. Yesterday I did the unthinkable: I watched straight porn. And as you know, that’s not my thing. But lemme explain: I watched Star Trek The Next Generation – A XXX Parody! It was everything I had hoped for (and some things that I hadn’t hoped for). The story was great, the actors did a decent job, and the sets and special effects were phenomenal! Commander Data even had makeup … all over his body! All that has left me feeling even more excited for my next straight porn experience, Star Wars XXX: A Porn Parody. Check out the totally SFW trailer:
Michelle M.’s Half: Adam’s tags. Sometimes they’re funnier than the posts. Some of my favorites: tam loves worms, chris d. got naked on his blog, harry should keep his day job, michelle doesn’t care about adam’s feelings, mikey loves video posts, I can always lie and pretend my mistakes are games, poor craig probably cried and why do we have to keep looking at polt’s ass?
Adam’s Half: My half this week is none other than Tam! Tam was a great sport when C&R had a lot of fun with her on our (2-day) “TamWeek.” On top of that, she also sent me a present this week — for no reason! Tam sent me a copy ofThe Vegan Table that she snagged at a Borders going-out-of-business sale when she was in Chicago last week. She’s so nice! Thanks Tam! I’m totally inspired to use this cookbook when Michelle M. and I rip of Anna & Kristina’s Grocery Bag with our new TV series on OWN. Stay tuned! I’m so excited! (And delusional!)
Great idea, Tam! That’s such a thoughtful idea!
This week’s Friday Five is made up of Harry, Zoila, The Woman In Black, Star Wars Porn, Adam’s Tags and Tam! What a great mix! What’s in your Friday Five?
The Bathroom Window is her favorite. She spends motionless hours letting
the breeze blow through her hair as she looks out the window.
Kibble is her favorite. She hates wet food, and most varieties of dry food for that matter.
Right now she’s happy with Blue Buffalo Adult Indoor Health.
Water Fountains are the only places to drink. Water that stands still is ignored,
in favor of dehydration.
Murder is all just fun & games. When she’s not attacking ankles, she’s ballistically attacking your face.
Talons more accurately describe her claws. They’re sharper than Ginsu Knives and twice as deadly.
Small Crinkly Balls are the only toys worth playing with. Everything else is crap.
Laser Pointers are the only exception.
Carpeted Cat Trees are best for climbing at high speeds, and keeping an eye on the surroundings.
Piles of Dirty Laundry are a great place to take a nap (especially on top of underwear).
Also acceptable: floors, chairs, couches, next to heaters, everywhere, etc.
“Fear (of vaginas) always springs from ignorance.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
“Misunderstanding … arising from ignorance breeds fear, and fear remains the greatest enemy of peace (and vaginas). – Lester B. Pearson
Recently our very own Adam shared with us a mean, offensive and misguided post about everyone’s friend – the vagina. His obvious distaste and ignorance is distasteful and ignorant! Vaginas aren’t scary – I’m rather attached to mine. Why, the vagina is a miraculous body part which has been celebrated in fashion:
cinema:
the theater:
pop culture:
cuisine:
and art:
Without vaginas, none of us would even be here! Plus, they’re warm and
cozy and perfect to laze around in on a chilly day:
So, while Adam is free (and encouraged!) to abstain from the ladyflower, I do hope that he will one day overcome his phobia. Or at least stop spewing intolerance and misinformation – such as the following:
1. They’re foreign! What is that thing? It looks like a mess of flappy skin with a hole in the middle. Ew!
They’re not foreign at all. Mine is a U.S. citizen who can vote, run up debt, make fun of Canada, become obese and start wars in the middle east. And Adam, you have a floppy thing with a hole in the middle, too. By the way, did you take biology? You’ve got a lot more than the vagina in your diagram.
2. What’s in there? Teeth? I saw that movie … it was quite eye-opening.
That’s just a myth. Like lightning never striking twice, gum hanging around in your stomach for seven years, Sasquatch or the Puntabuschlong (sorry Polt).
3. They’re smelly! I hear that they often smell of fish sticks and cabbage that has sat in the sun for a bit too long.
Uh, maybe if you never bathe. Mine smells like honeysuckle, cinnamon and baby unicorns.
4. Yeast infections! I’m not even sure what a yeast infection is … but ew! Wash that thing out once and a while!
Men get yeast infections too. I’ve never had one. But then, I don’t bake bread in my vagina.
5. Periods! Menstrual cycle? Yuck! Why is there blood dripping out of your vagina? If it’s bleeding, then maybe you should just let it die!
Oh, but periods are so much fun. Cramps, bloating, mood swings, fatigue…maybe you’re just jealous. Too bad they only last 38 years on average (more or less).
6. Babies come out of them! WTF! How does a freak’n baby fit through that hole? That’s disgusting!
It’s the circle of life Adam! Actually I’m surprised you don’t think babies come from storks or cabbage patches. And disgusting? Perhaps (and don’t forget painful).
7. The clitoris. Straight guys can’t find it … I don’t even know what it is! And upon research … is it just a tiny penis?
For some straight guys this is very true. And very sad. Tragic even.
8. Queefs? My dick never farts … why are there farts coming from your frontside?
Ask Oprah. She seems pretty excited about hers.
9. How do they work? Where does the penis go? Where does the pee come out of? Can Google Maps help me? Please?
Google Maps is not going to help. Try Wikipedia.
10. It’s not a penis! ‘Nuff said!
Can’t argue with that. But, like it or not, the vagina is here to stay. So perhaps we should stop looking at the vagina as an object of horror and instead, embrace this misunderstood bit of anatomy with open arms.
And who knows. Maybe someday Adam will learn to love pussy…
In case you were not aware, I’m what scientists refer to as a “homosexual.” In layman’s terms, that means that I’m a guy that is sexually attracted to other guys. Females of the species need not apply. And unlike many of my homosexual brothers, I have never tasted (nor stuck my aroused unit into) the mysterious pink wonderland that is known as a “vagina.” Why not? Simply put: vaginas are gross! Here’s 10 reasons why:
1. They’re foreign! What is that thing? It looks like a mess of flappy skin with a hole in the middle. Ew!
2. What’s in there? Teeth? I saw that movie … it was quite eye-opening.
3. They’re smelly! I hear that they often smell of fish sticks and cabbage that has sat in the sun for a bit too long.
4. Yeast infections! I’m not even sure what a yeast infection is … but ew! Wash that thing out once and a while!
5. Periods! Menstrual cycle? Yuck! Why is there blood dripping out of your vagina? If it’s bleeding, then maybe you should just let it die!
6. Babies come out of them! WTF! How does a freak’n baby fit through that hole? That’s disgusting!
7. The clitoris. Straight guys can’t find it … I don’t even know what it is!
And upon research … is it just a tiny penis?
8. Queefs? My dick never farts … why are there farts coming from your frontside?
9. How do they work? Where does the penis go? Where does the pee come out of? Can Google Maps help me? Please?
Welcome to Cocky & Rude Fight Club: ROUND THREE! The rules to the game are simple. Each week we’ll re-introduce our fighters. We’ll give them each a chance to speak their mind. Then we’ll put the results to vote. You’ll pick which combatant will decimate their opponent in the knock-down, drag-out brawl of Cocky & Rude Fight Club! Let’s meet this week’s fighters…
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