Did you know that May is National Masturbation Month? I didn’t either … but Tam told me! Before you go celebrate … how about a quick Have You Ever Quiz?
The rules are simple: For each question that you answer ‘yes’ to, give yourself a single point. When you reach the end of the quiz, add up your points and post your total in the comments.
Have You Ever… Masturbated?!
1. Have you ever masturbated? 2. Have you never masturbated? 3. Have you ever masturbated while looking at pornography? 4. Have you ever masturbated while looking at National Geographic magazine? 5. Have you ever masturbated in front of a computer? 6. Have you ever masturbated while watching the news? 7. Have you ever masturbated in a shower? 8. Have you ever masturbated in a bathroom? 9. Have you ever masturbated in a bed? 10. Have you ever masturbated in a bath tub? 11. Have you ever masturbated in a kitchen? 12. Have you ever masturbated in public restroom? 13. Have you ever masturbated in a car? 14. Have you ever masturbated into a sock (or other article of clothing)? 15. Have you ever masturbated into a toilet? 16. Have you ever masturbated into a tissue or paper towel? 17. Have you ever masturbated while using a sex toy? 18. Have you ever masturbated in a moving vehicle? 19. Have you ever masturbated while at work? 20. Have you ever masturbated in a movie theater? 21. Have you ever masturbated at a strip club (or similar location)? 22. Have you ever masturbated on camera? 23. Have you ever masturbated with or in front of another person? 24. Have you ever masturbated with or in front of 2+ people? 25. Have you ever masturbated in your neighbor’s shed?
Now finish spanking your monkey and tell us the total in the comments!
From Polt: What did I love about this week? Freshly laundered bedsheets, still warm from the dryer. Slapping these little slices of heaven right on the bed and then sliding between them, rolling onto your side, pulling the sheet up to your nose and making yourself a little cocoon of warm, comfy, lavender-scented awesomeness is one of life’s greatest pleasures! Next to a night with three Asians with hairthings spent on those sheets. Yeah, that would be better.
From Tam: My new favourite thing is PC Caramelized Red Onion Chutney. At our house we hate mustard and we hate mayonnaise, so sometimes sandwiches are a little dry, but since I discovered this product … *swoon*. The description: With a fusion of English-style malt vinegar and Italian balsamic vinegar of Modena, along with brown sugar, herbs, spices, and slow-cooked caramelized onions, our zesty chutney adds a dash of vibrancy to your dishes. Imported from United Kingdom. Doesn’t that sound yummy? I guess the imported thing explains the price, a bit steep, but worth every cent to liven up my sandwich. I see they use butter in it so it’s not vegan. Sorry Adam.
From Craig: M&Ms – Growing up in my parents house, Mom always kept bowls of red and green M&Ms scattered around the house around Christmas. (For our Canadian readers, M&Ms are like your Smarties but a million and a half times better.) I carried the tradition over to my new place for my first Christmas on my own and it was fantastic. Easy access to M&Ms at all times with no one but myself to eat them? Yes please! Even after the Christmas season ended, and all the red and green M&Ms had made their way through my toilet and into your drinking water, I’ve kept the tradition alive by keeping original M&Ms on my coffee table at all times. Not only are they extremely delicious, but they add a splash of color to my drab earth toney living room!
From Mikey: So there was this thing called the Super Bowl on Sunday. You might have heard of it. Well anyway, before the game aired NBC ran a commercial/promo wishing everyone a Happy Super Bowl. Sure this sounds like typical network TV fare for the most watched event of the year. What made this one amazing was the fact that someone (most likely Tina Fey) got a bunch of the stars of NBC’s shows together to sing and dance to “Brotherhood of Man” from How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying. The result…magic. And GAY magic, which only happens during Madonna Super Bowls.
From Michelle M.: A federal appeals court ruled against California’s voter-approved ban on same-sex marriage (Prop 8) on Tuesday. Finally.
This week’s runners up: the state of Washington, The premier of Smash, slow cookers, painting bottles, Dance Moms (last weeks competition took place at East Islip High School!), Happy Endings, Archie Panjabi, The River, cat breading and hardcore gay pornography.
Last year, C&R told you the truth about the first Thanksgiving, and how it lead to the birth of Polt. In case you’ve forgotten, here it is:
About 7000 years ago, this dude named Columbus sailed across the Atlantic Ocean. The Queen of Spain had given him three boats: The Nina, the Pinta and the Titanic. After 14 days and 14 nights, Columbus landed at Plymouth Acclaim Rock where he met Pocahontas and George Washington! Pocahontas was totally turned off by Columbus’s bad style (buckles and funny black hats), so she went off to have a threesome with John Smith and the Hunchback of Notre Dame. Columbus was SO pissed (because Pocahontas had nice tits and he wanted to motorboat them), that he raped a bunch of Native American and gave them all smallpox. Rude!
Polt's Proud Papa!
To celebrate his mascara, Columbus, Lois, Clark and Ernie Hudson all went to an Indian casino and saw a live performance by Barry Manilow! Columbus instantly turned gay and fell in love with Barry. That night they had crazy butt sex. One year later, Baby Polt sprung from Barry Manilow’s loins! Everyone was happy and gave each other blowjobs to commemorate the day of Polt’s birth. Columbus dressed Baby Polt in purple, and fed him a first meal of microwaved Lean Cuisine turkey, apple cobbler and maize.
And so began the American tradition of Thanksgiving: the day in which we all give thanks for Polt. We’ve celebrated it every year on this day since the beginning of time (Polt is very old), and will continue to do so until we become bored with the whole damn thing. (source)
But that’s not quite the end of the story. Today is Black Friday, and wouldn’t you just know it — Polt was there for the very first Black Friday! Here’s how it happened:
6985 years ago, Polt (who was 14, if you do the math) was having sex for the first time with a cute little Asian boy named George Takei. Suddenly, something hit him right in the face! After he wiped himself off, he had a thought: what if the people of the United States celebrated his birth every year by having butt sex with Asians (preferably with hairthings)? Without hesitation, he grabbed his purple iPhone and told Suri Cruise to call his BFF, President Abraham Lincoln.
Polt and A Local Celebrity, President Top Hat enjoy some pornography.
A Local Celebrity, President Top Hat (as Polt used to call him) thought that it was a grand idea, as he had just finished “banging Margaret Cho ‘old-school style’ in the oval office while both Florence Nightingale and Florence Henderson watched.” Polt commended the President on his stellar cocksmanship and wished him a good evening.
The next day, President Lincoln called a special joint session of Congress (it was on a Saturday!) where all the Democrats and douchey Republicans argued about Polt’s idea of Asian Sex Friday. George Washington thought it might be a little “too controversial” and Bill Clinton was concerned that he would only be allowed to have sex once a year. At one point, Al Sharpton just started screaming “racist!” over and over again.
After years of debate, temper tantrums and filibustering (oh, and we can’t forget Polt’s daily nagging messages on Facebook), Congress decided to officially name the day after Thanksgiving: “Butt Sex with a Latin, Indian, Spanish, Caucasian, African, Arabic or Black Friday.” Polt and A Local Celebrity, President Top Hat celebrated the naming of the official holiday by going to see ‘How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying’ on Broadway. In the middle of the performance, Harry Potter zapped A Local Celebrity, President Top Hat in the head with his wand and assassinated him. Bummer!
Over the years, the name of the day after Thanksgiving has been shortened to: “Black Friday.” The meaning has also changed slightly, as it is now associated with shopping. (Because everyone knows that shopping is better than sex!)
And that’s how Black Friday really came to be! Happy Black Friday Birthday, Polt!
A few weeks ago there were a few power transformer fires and failures in my area of New Jersey. As a result, myself and the residents of my neighborhood were faced with some time without our beloved electricity. These outages meant that we didn’t have TV, Internet, lights, refrigerators … any of the modern conveniences that civilized human beings have grown accustomed to. So what is there to do when the power goes out? Here’s 10 helpful suggestions…
1. Wait it out. The power is bound to come back soon. Try staring at a light bulb until it turns back on, repeatedly hitting the power button on your television’s remote control, or perhaps flipping a light switch up and down until to works.
2. Spend time with others. Instead of just waiting for the power to come back, why not spend time waiting with someone else? Have a conversation, play a game, tell stories … pay some face-time now so you don’t have to waste precious Internet time when the power comes back.
3. Read. Sick of all the together-time? Then how about some alone time? Grab that novel that you’ve always wanted to read, or that stack of magazines that you haven’t gotten to yet. Find a sunny window or bright candle and read.
4. Let the batteries run out. Sick of reading? Then power up your cell phone, laptop computer or iPod and enjoy your electronics until the batteries run out. You’ve probably got a few hours of juice left.
5. Organize and clean. This option is kind of a bummer, so you might as well just skip it.
6. Have Sex. Why clean when you can make a mess and squirt your bodily fluids all over a willing participant? You don’t need to have the lights on to have sex … sometimes it’s even better when you can’t see your partner.
7. Masturbate. If you’re not lucky enough to have sex with a mate or willing neighbor, then why not your hand? Granted, you’ll have to use your imagination or old-fashioned pornography (magazines) to get excited… Oh, and don’t forget — vibrators usually run on batteries.
8. Eat. When you’re done with sexitime (or self-sexitime), why not chow down on all that melting food in the fridge? Start with the junk food in the freezer (ice cream), and work your way through your cold storage. After all, it’s all just going to spoil anyway.
9. Get Drunk. Finished with the fridge? Head to the liquor cabinet next. The power has probably been out for hours now … so why not just drink the darkness away?
10. Go to sleep. You’re stuffed to the gills and completely drunk. Just go to sleep. Maybe the power will be back on when you wake up. If not? Then just repeat the process.
That poor little old lady didn’t stand a chance. With a barely any effort at all, Polt (who scored 95% with 120 votes) defeated Queen Elizabeth II (who only scored 5% with 6 votes) in the third round of Cocky & Rude Fight Club. We’re not sure if her mind was wrapped up in wedding plans or corgi flops, but she went down (not that way) fast and hard. It’s HUGS… all around as we celebrate Polt’s staggering victory over the British royalty. We expect him to quickly move into Buckingham Palace (after painting it purple, of course). Congratulations, Polt!
Welcome to Cocky & Rude Fight Club! The rules to the game are simple. Each week we’ll introduce our fighters. We’ll do the leg work and help you analyze their strengths and weaknesses. Then we’ll put the results to vote. You’ll pick which combatant will decimate their opponent in the knock-down, drag-out brawl of Cocky & Rude Fight Club! Let’s meet this week’s fighters…
Queen Elizabeth II
Also known as: Elizabeth Alexandra Mary House: House of Windsor Date of Birth: April 21, 1926 Place of Birth: Mayfair, London, United Kingdom Residence: Buckingham Palace, London, United Kingdom Occupation: Constitutional monarch of sixteen independent sovereign states, the figurehead of the 54-member Commonwealth of Nations and Supreme Governor of the Church of England. Relationship Status: Married to Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh Weight: Probably not very much because she’s a tiny old lady
Born in 1926, Queen Elizabeth II was just 25 years old when she ascended to the British throne on the death of her father, George IV, in 1952. She enjoys monochromatic outfits, pearls, corgis, jubilees, stupid hats, tea, crumpets, and blood pudding. Despite nearing an age of 81 she appears remarkably mobile with little intent of passing the throne to Prince Charles early. With her entire kingdom standing behind her, we expect this little old lady to rock the boxing ring old school (with lances, swords and perhaps a mace).
Also known as: Chris S. Date of Birth: November 25, 1967 Residence: Polt’s Palace, Waynesboro, Pennsylvania Relationship Status: Single (and active) Favorite Color: Purple Favorite Superhero: Superman Occupation: Law Enforcement/Security & Blogger Height & Weight: “I stand a little over 6 feet tall and weigh less than 300 lbs.”
A lover of all things purple, male and/or Asian, Polt hails from the majestic Polt’s Palace in Waynesboro, PA. Polt spends his day tweeting, complaining about work, hooking up with gentleman callers, stalking argyle-clad co-opers, reading Star Trek novelizations, performing with Mama Polt, and posting pornography on his website. Though his job at the prison is non-specific and has never been elaborated upon, we expect that Polt possesses Superman-like strength, and will be a powerfully purple competitor.
Picture in your mind a battle of these two worthy opponents. Both enter the ring, but only one will leave. Does the greatest queen that North America has ever seen stand a chance against the actual Queen? Or will the Queen’s age hold her back (we all know that Polt is old, but he’s not tthhaatt old). That’s for you to decide. Who will win in this epic battle of Queen vs. Queen? We’re putting this no-holds-barred fight to a vote. The poll will be open for approximately 24 hours, and you may vote as many times as you want. That’s right — we’re not blocking repeat votes, so vote now and vote often for your favorite Cocky & Rude Fight Club opponent!
Find out if this battle will end with a signature wave or a “HUGS…” on Sunday at noon!