Have you ever daydreamed about being a famous star? Money, adulation, magazine covers, swag, critical acclaim, limos, red carpets, awards, casting couches, stalkers, plastic surgery, paparazzi, rehab – it all sounds so glamorous! But all this means nothing unless you’re invited to appear on Inside the Actor’s Studio. Well, just in case you hit it big and have to face James Lipton and his enormous stack of blue index cards, you should be prepared. So I asked you to answer the questions* that are always asked at the end of the show. Here are your answers:
*The questionnaire concept was originated by French personality Bernard Pivot, after the Proust questionnaire.
Tam: Passel
Mark: Anthrax (love the syllables)
David G.: Door. I couldn’t possibly tell you why.
Polt: Eighteen…cause then, all the boys are legal : ).
Craig: Nevertheless
Jere: Petunia
Mel: Most days it’s “fuck”.
Adam: Chuckle
Michelle M.: Silver
John: Cookie
VUBOQ: Martini
Mikey: Dinner
Nathan: Loquacious
FDot: Flibbertigibbet
Enrico: Arboretic
The Kid: Disrupting or fabulous
Paul: Hello
Ryan: Superfluous
Tam: The c-word. Can’t write it. HATE IT.
Mark: like (when not used as a verb)
David G.: Urinal. I can’t even type it without feeling icky.
Polt: I dont know sweetie…work? Boss? Gone? Yeah, Gone may be it, not for the word itself so much, but for what it can entail.
Craig: Macabre
Jere: Labia
Mel: Monetize
Adam: The r-word
Michelle M.: Ma’am
John: Familiarity
VUBOQ: Ironical
Mikey: Exercise
Nathan: lol
FDot: maybe
Enrico: The three-letter f word
The Kid: Moist
Paul: Discharge
Ryan: Marketable
Tam: Humour
Mark: Intelligence
David G.: A really good kiss.
Polt: Younger guys. Asians. Hairthings. Younger Asian guys with hairthings! Oh, and Craiggers in a purple speedo. (did you really need to ask me this question?) : )
Craig: Chest hair
Jere: Feeling sexy in someone else’s eyes.
Mel: Nice eyes
Adam: Laughter
Michelle M.: A sense of humor
John: Intelligence (and a hot ass).
VUBOQ: This may be weird, but the smell of some soaps on guys. Colognes, not so much.
Mikey: Honesty and a sense of humor
Nathan: Suits
FDot: Chocolate
Enrico: Intelligence
The Kid: A man in a suit
Paul: Bondage
Ryan: Short hair
Tam: Bigotry
Mark: Loud brash voices
David G.: A really bad kiss.
Polt: Attitude. Someone who thinks they are more than they are or better than they are. Yeah, that’s a deal breaker right there.
Craig: Long fingernails
Jere: Lots of things, but I’ll start with the use of any body fluid used for sexytime other than semen.
Mel: Bad breath
Adam: when I’m taken for granted.
Michelle M.: Ignorance
John: Arrogance
VUBOQ: Feet
Mikey: Liars and bad smells
Nathan: Facial hair!
FDot: Annoying people
Enrico: Close-mindedness
The Kid: Dreadlocks
Paul: Sweat dripping in my eyes
Ryan: Smart phone addiction
Tam: Wind in the trees rustling the leaves (not the willows)
Mark: A sustained note on a slightly distorted electric guitar
David G: When Typo (one of my cats) meows and yawns at the same time.
Polt: Honestly, a kid laughing! Whether it’s a baby giggling or a 7 year old laughing as he chases his brother. Always makes me smile.
Craig: The woods
Jere: Wind and rain outside my window
Mel: The foghorn on our local lighthouse
Adam: Cat’s purr
Michelle M.: A beautiful piece of music
John: Baby sneezes
VUBOQ: The crunching sound made when I’m walking through fallen Autumn leaves
Mikey: Air conditioning…humming and white noisy
Nathan: Bassoon! If that’s cheating, than the noise that the wind makes when it rustles the trees.
FDot: Ocean waves at night
Enrico: Adele’s voice
The Kid: Food sizzling
Paul: Rain falling on the roof of the house
Ryan: Male vocals harmonizing well
Tam: The sound of a spoon stirring liquefied ice-cream – instant gag reflex
Mark: A child chorus, singing slightly off-key
David G.: Any (and I do mean ANY) repetitive sound. It just grates on my brain.
Polt: My alarm in the morning!
Craig: Screaming children
Jere: Saturday morning labor (lawnmowing, construction, etc., before noon)
Mel: Motorcycles drowning out the foghorn
Adam: My alarm clock
Michelle M.: My alarm clock
John: The alarm clock
VUBOQ: Cardboard being cut
Mikey: Nails on a chalkboard or fire alarms
Nathan: The bird outside my window when I’m trying to sleep.
FDot: Fingernails on a chalkboard
Enrico: The sound of a bird’s beak as it attacks my window (every morning at 5am!)
The Kid: Mosquitos buzzing
Paul: Fran Drescher
Ryan: Squishy sploochy sounds
Tam: Fuck
Mark: “Oh MAN!” (Once we had our first child, Heather and I trained ourselves not to curse, and it mostly has worked.)
David G.: Fuck. It is the most versatile word in the English language, after all.
Polt: Fuck. Although if I’m around polite company, I generally just use shit. And if *I* did something stupid, then it’s a hearty “Oh fuck ME!”
Craig: God damn it!
Jere: Justin Bieber’s Hairless Scrote!
Mel: See #1
Adam: fuck
Michelle M.: f*ck!
John: Fuck
VUBOQ: fork
Mikey: tit-wank (thank you Catherine Tate)
Nathan: You Gosh Darn C***
FDot: Goddamnmotherfuckingsonofabitch
Enrico: Avada Kedavra
The Kid: Firetruck
Paul: Cunt
Ryan: Bollocks
Tam: Ballerina
Mark: Pro hockey (but I can’t even skate)
David G: Realtor.
Polt: Custom condom fitter? No seriously, if I had my pick, it would be a comic book writer.
Craig: Teacher
Jere: Playwright
Mel: Writing
Adam: I’d work for Ikea, assembling furniture for displays
Michelle M.: Billionaire
John: Artist
VUBOQ: Professional Potter
Mikey: Filmmaker…I aspire to be Christopher Nolan
Nathan: Novelist
FDot: Screenwriting
Enrico: Personal assistant to a celebrity (maybe Kina or Jojo)
The Kid: Uhh. I’m not employed, but being an astronaut would be fun.
Paul: Professional sugar daddy
Ryan: Economist
Tam: Sewer cleaning
Mark: Restauranteur
David G.: Anything from the show Dirty Jobs.
Polt: Anything that makes me to physical labor outside, especially in the summer. Oh and anything involving heights!
Craig: Call center
Jere: Surgeon
Mel: Auto sales
Adam: Sales
Michelle M.: Soldier
John: Lawyer
VUBOQ: Anything to do with sewers or plumbing.
Mikey: Cess Pool serviceperson (see above re: smells)
Nathan: Anything where you just stand around and don’t actually DO anything.
FDot: Farmer
Enrico: Dentist
The Kid: Eww. A fisherman or exterminator.
Paul: Boy of professional sugar daddy
Ryan:Academic post-doc
Tam: “Juan and Felipe have your cocktails over there on the left by the pool. Have a nice stay.”
Mark: “Meow…prrrr.”
David G.: Girl, you just barely made it.
Polt: What I’d LIKE to hear him say is, “Welcome.” But what he’ll probably say is, “Huh? You? recheck the list!” : )
Craig: “You were a nice person, welcome.”
Jere: “Look, I’m as surprised as you are that I exist, and I know I’ve got a lot to apologize for…”
Mel: “I’m awfully me-damned happy to see you. These other angels are so! fucking! boring!”
Adam: You were right all along, I don’t exist!
Michelle M.: Relax. It’s all good – come on in!
John: We’ve been waiting for you.
VUBOQ: “This way to the Martini Lounge.”
Mikey: You sure tried to piss me off, didn’t you?
Nathan: Welcome?
FDot: Your family is over there.
Enrico: “Ke$ha is waiting inside for you.”
The Kid: “Follow the white rabbit”
Paul: “Your afterlifetime supply of Entenmann’s and young power bottoms are waiting for you.”
Ryan:You weren’t nearly as selfish as you worried you were.
Need to waste some time at work? Here is a Vanity Fair Proust questionnaire you can take to see which celebrity you have the most in common with. Mine were Barbara Walters and Kirk Douglas.
Do you remember when you could turn on the tv and see Meredith Viera talking about the best slingbacks for slinging back martinis on your vacation? I do and I’m really ready for those days back. I know I was one of those people who probably complained the loudest about the soft news infotainment industry, but I’m so freakin’ tired of hearing about who died in what order and under whose orders. Yes…the world is a better place now that the hate-filled brain of Osama bin Laden is no longer in it, but can a guy get a little less hyper-analysis of everything from how many tweets were sent at what second leading up to the official announcement and the diagrams of the bloody house where it all went down. So I am going on the offensive and forcing you to consume some soft news of my choosing.
Mariah Carey gives birth to twins
Over the weekend we got one step closer to the apocalypse. Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon (whatever that is) had twin babies. I’m sure the world is excited that annoying musicians can have babies that will grow up to be spoiled brats. I have name suggestions for the two little kids: Dumb & Dumber. Harsh? Maybe. Accurate? Yes.
Jesse’s Girl was better off
The dude who sang “Jesse’s Girl” before it was covered by Glee was arrested for being a lame ass drunk driver. He has the same hairstyle as he did back then, which is probably why he was drinking so much he thought he should take a spin around the block endangering peoples lives. Here is some advice for Mr. Springfield: if you are drunk enough to sing your own song at karaoke, you should not go near your car.
Plastic Surgery Experiment Speaks about Child
The biological ancestor of what was at one time Cher is very proud of her descendant Chaz, who was at one time known as a lesbian called Chastity. Chastity is now Chaz and Cher is now a weird mixture of human and nonhuman parts. Cher is proud, but I think she really is just expressing her faith in the modern medical science that she used to become a glowing statue and that Chaz is using to express his gender.
Are you glad I didn’t say anything about soldiers or guns or invasions? I am. I gave you three random tabloidistic news stories that should dutifully distract from the coming insanity on your tv.
Mariah Carey has often screeched into all of our ears that all she wants for Christmas is “You” … but Adam and Mikey are much more materialistic. Here at Cocky & Rude, the boys have mailed their list off to Santa and are expecting all sorts of great things under the tree in a few days. Here’s what they asked for:
Justin Bieber – I would like to be given Justin Bieber for Christmas, so that I may hurl him from the top of a tall building. Adam
James Franco - Good lord he’s hot. Adam
Zac Effron – I need him to show Justin Bieber what his life is going to be like in a few years. Mikey
An Apple iPad - Even though I’ve long proclaimed that I hate Macs, I still want an iPad. And I don’t want a cheap one, I want the Best one. Adam
World Peace – Because it helps to balance out all the other bad things I’m asking for. Adam
More Vegan Options In Restaurants – Seriously, I can’t eat anywhere these days! Adam
More Cheese on Everything – Cheese is the greatest food ever and it should be everywhere. Mikey
Adam to Stop Being Vegan – Because he complains about everything we all eat all the time and then I can make him some real baked goods. Mikey
A Personal Chef – For all the times that I want to eat at home, even though there will be more vegan options in restaurants (see above). Adam
To Quit My Job and Become a Personal Chef (as long as it is not a Vegan Chef) – I love to cook for others as long as it has animal fat on it. Mikey
A Worm Compost Box – Because I watched No Impact Man: The Documentary last week and that thing is cool (until it became infested with flies…). Adam
A Star Trek Transporter – Because commuting is for losers, and I want to be able to see the people I love without traveling. Adam
Want to know what else we want? Check back tomorrow for the end of our list! It’s a doozie!
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Dear Santa, Don't Forget That We Asked Nicely
Are you still looking for the perfect gift for us? Even after yesterday’s amazing list of the most attainable items known to man? Well then get off your duff and buy us this stuff!
A Tummy Tuck, Liposuction, Ab Implants, A Neck Lift, And Lots of Other Plastic Surgery – Because I’m vain and I want to look perfect and beautiful without any work. Adam
A Tummy Tuck, Liposuction, Ab Implants, A Neck Lift, And Lots of Other Plastic Surgery – Because Adam is mean and makes me feel bad about my body. Mikey
Free Rent – I pay rent every month because I’m too poor to buy a house. I’m too poor to buy a house because I pay rent every month. Adam
Ten More Hours in Each Day - I think I need about ten more hours to make myself completely at ease with my world. I could find time to blog creatively enough that Adam won’t whine about it. I really really really need this. Mikey
Google – I’d just like to own it. Is that too much to ask? Adam
For Rainbow Poo to Get Picked Up and Made into a Comedy Central Cartoon – I don’t know if you know this, but Adam has been working his fingers off crafting this comic strip about a superhero made of mulitcolored feces. It is hilarious and poignant. Oh and Michelle McKee drinks alot. Mikey
A New Wardrobe – I noticed yesterday that everything I’ve been wearing is ugly. Adam
A New Wardrobe - Well I actually don’t have one, but I really want one. I would especially like it if the wardrobe is that magic one that allows me to go to Narnia. Mikey
A New Job – One that has a flexible schedule, pays really well and makes me feel good about myself. Adam
More Blog Comments – Until you start blogging, you never realize how much that little number means to you. Now it has become my lifeblood. More! More! More! Adam
People to Shut Up About The Weather – I don’t care if it might/is/has snowed. I don’t care if it might be cold tomorrow. Adam
Adam to Stop Complaining About People Talking About the Weather – People need to have something to talk about when they really don’t care about the person they are talking too. Mikey
Adam to Get Everything He Ever Wanted – Adam is a pretty awesome dude and I think he deserves to be really frakkin’ happy. I want him to have the stuff that makes him that way. Mikey
That’s not too much to ask for, right? So what do you want for Christmas?