Welcome to Cocky & Rude Fight Club: ROUND THREE! The rules to the game are simple. Each week we’ll re-introduce our fighters. We’ll give them each a chance to speak their mind. Then we’ll put the results to vote. You’ll pick which combatant will decimate their opponent in the knock-down, drag-out brawl of Cocky & Rude Fight Club! Let’s meet this week’s fighters…
Each week of Round Three, we’ll drop three Round Two winners into the ring and see who remains standing after a 24-hour Cocky & Rude Fight Club vote. Today’s contestants are: Michelle M., “The Kid” and FDot.
In her C&R Fight Club Round 1 fight, the queen of of the Puntabugang, Michelle M. faced off against the queen of all media, Oprah Winfrey. In what many thought would be a difficult match, Oprah queefed all the way to an easy knockout, when Michelle M. destroyed her with 87% of the popular vote. In Round 2, Michelle M. faced off against two worthy opponents: Captain Kirk and Polt. With firsts of fury, Michelle M. easily trounced the two with 66% of the popular vote. Michelle M. has recently adopted a gluten-free diet… with this help or hurt her? And with Cooper at her side, how will she stand up against “The Kid” and FDot?
These two don’t stand a chance. I mean, c’mon, I defeated Kirk. With one arm tied behind my back. There is no way that Fdot is ready to face me in the ring – he should just stay in the kitchen where he belongs. Those chocolate chip cookies aren’t going to make themselves. As for Kristin, face it, I’m older and I have more insurance.TOWANDA!!!!
In her C&R Fight Club Round 1 battle, Tam’s little princess, “The Kid” faced off again pop princess, Rebecca Black. With the assistance of her trusty steed, Sprinkles the Pony, “The Kid” defeated Black with just 59% of the popular vote. In Round 2, “The Kid” faced off against John and her own mother — and managed to defeat them both with 80% of the popular vote. “The Kid” is known for her movie references, hammering the refresh button, and she’s not afraid to beat up her own mother. But does she stand a chance against FDot and Michelle M.?
If you think adding a third person to this fight will phase me, think again. After being a thirteen man cage match in the underground back in ’97 there ain’t a chance that I’ll lose. I’m fierce and have put on over 10kilos of muscle from training with the highest class of security guards around. I’m strong, I’m tough and I’m god’s unwanted child. I plan on taking this ring by storm and not only will I tear up the competition I’ll tear out the ring, the crowd and anything that’s within the square kilometer. Just call me the Hulk because once I’m in the ring I’m ready to explode.
In his C&R Fight Club Round 1, ‘Fan Favorite‘ FDot faced off against ‘Fan Favorite’ Tom Hanks. FDot proved that there can only be on favorite when he defeated Tom Hanks with 67% of the popular vote. In Round 2, FDot faced off against a dynamic duo of opponents: Paul and VUBOQ. With just 46% of the popular vote, FDot managed to defeat them both. FDot is known for his powerful trash-talking ability and chocolate chip cookie bribery … but will that be enough to beat “The Kid” and Michelle M.? We will soon see…
So this week I have to face off against Inch High, Private Eye and The Fetus. No problem. For starters, Inchy already has a platform here every Monday, so a win for her could only lead to weekly doses of gloating. The Fetus should be disqualified as she’s not even of voting age yet. Besides, losing is good for a teenager, it builds character. As an extra precaution, I include pictures to keep Inchy and The Fetus distracted from voting: the world’s most expensive martini, and texting! I’d also remind the majority of the male population here that I’m single, easy, discreet and have no problem picking up the tab.
Who will win in the battle of Michelle M. vs. “The Kid” vs. FDot? There’s only one rational way to decide who will win this battle. We’re putting this no-holds-barred fight to a vote. The poll will be open for approximately 24 hours, and you may vote as many times as you want. That’s right — we’re not blocking repeat votes, so vote now and vote often for your favorite Cocky & Rude Fight Club opponent.
Check back on Sunday for the results!
Thanks to Michelle M., “The Kid” and FDot for your assistance with this post!
Boobs, Breasts, Knockers, Melons, Jugs, Ta-Tas, Fun Bags, Bazoongas, Tits, Honkers, Headlights, Hooters … whatever you call them, they’re just plain gross! Previously we’ve discussed why vaginas and penises are gross. Now it’s time to discuss those big, gross boobs of yours…
1. They flop around and need a special article of clothing to contain them.
2. They produce a natural beverage.
3. Over the years they begin to sag.
4. Boob sweat collects under the boob and can cause rashes or irritation.
5. They look like an ass on your chest.
6. Some have those blue veins running through them.
7. The nipples can be misshapen and sometimes look like pink erasers.
8. Some women get implants to make these gross things even bigger.
“Fear (of vaginas) always springs from ignorance.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
“Misunderstanding … arising from ignorance breeds fear, and fear remains the greatest enemy of peace (and vaginas). – Lester B. Pearson
Recently our very own Adam shared with us a mean, offensive and misguided post about everyone’s friend – the vagina. His obvious distaste and ignorance is distasteful and ignorant! Vaginas aren’t scary – I’m rather attached to mine. Why, the vagina is a miraculous body part which has been celebrated in fashion:
cinema:
the theater:
pop culture:
cuisine:
and art:
Without vaginas, none of us would even be here! Plus, they’re warm and
cozy and perfect to laze around in on a chilly day:
So, while Adam is free (and encouraged!) to abstain from the ladyflower, I do hope that he will one day overcome his phobia. Or at least stop spewing intolerance and misinformation – such as the following:
1. They’re foreign! What is that thing? It looks like a mess of flappy skin with a hole in the middle. Ew!
They’re not foreign at all. Mine is a U.S. citizen who can vote, run up debt, make fun of Canada, become obese and start wars in the middle east. And Adam, you have a floppy thing with a hole in the middle, too. By the way, did you take biology? You’ve got a lot more than the vagina in your diagram.
2. What’s in there? Teeth? I saw that movie … it was quite eye-opening.
That’s just a myth. Like lightning never striking twice, gum hanging around in your stomach for seven years, Sasquatch or the Puntabuschlong (sorry Polt).
3. They’re smelly! I hear that they often smell of fish sticks and cabbage that has sat in the sun for a bit too long.
Uh, maybe if you never bathe. Mine smells like honeysuckle, cinnamon and baby unicorns.
4. Yeast infections! I’m not even sure what a yeast infection is … but ew! Wash that thing out once and a while!
Men get yeast infections too. I’ve never had one. But then, I don’t bake bread in my vagina.
5. Periods! Menstrual cycle? Yuck! Why is there blood dripping out of your vagina? If it’s bleeding, then maybe you should just let it die!
Oh, but periods are so much fun. Cramps, bloating, mood swings, fatigue…maybe you’re just jealous. Too bad they only last 38 years on average (more or less).
6. Babies come out of them! WTF! How does a freak’n baby fit through that hole? That’s disgusting!
It’s the circle of life Adam! Actually I’m surprised you don’t think babies come from storks or cabbage patches. And disgusting? Perhaps (and don’t forget painful).
7. The clitoris. Straight guys can’t find it … I don’t even know what it is! And upon research … is it just a tiny penis?
For some straight guys this is very true. And very sad. Tragic even.
8. Queefs? My dick never farts … why are there farts coming from your frontside?
Ask Oprah. She seems pretty excited about hers.
9. How do they work? Where does the penis go? Where does the pee come out of? Can Google Maps help me? Please?
Google Maps is not going to help. Try Wikipedia.
10. It’s not a penis! ‘Nuff said!
Can’t argue with that. But, like it or not, the vagina is here to stay. So perhaps we should stop looking at the vagina as an object of horror and instead, embrace this misunderstood bit of anatomy with open arms.
And who knows. Maybe someday Adam will learn to love pussy…
Welcome to Cocky & Rude Fight Club: ROUND THREE! The rules to the game are simple. Each week we’ll re-introduce our fighters. We’ll give them each a chance to speak their mind. Then we’ll put the results to vote. You’ll pick which combatant will decimate their opponent in the knock-down, drag-out brawl of Cocky & Rude Fight Club! Let’s meet this week’s fighters…
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