Welcome to the 8th week of Biggest C&R Loser 2013! This year we’ll be keeping all of the results and placings secret until the end of the contest. We’ll also be pooling our cash to award the 2013 winner the largest prize we’ve ever awarded … a whopping $40! This week’s theme is “TEMPTATION” – Everyone is tempted by something (food, laziness, sleep) when they should be eating healthy and exercising. What tempts the contestants? Let’s find out!
So this week, it’s Temptation. My biggest temptation is: Gay Porn. ‘Well DUH!’ I can hear you all saying now, but I mean as it relates to this contest. See, if I give in to the temptation of the uncounted amount of gay porn on the Internet, then I spend time watching that and NOT out walking. And after watching gay porn, I’m generally in need of replenishing my…energies. So I eat. And usually it’s snacky-stuff, that’s not healthy for me. So if I could resist the gay porn, I could be exercising more and eating better. …..but yeah, we ALL know that ain’t gonna happen.
My temptations are books, I’m either reading one (Don’t ya love my snazzy red e-reader?) or writing one and Chapman’s oatmeal cookies and chocolate ice-cream sandwiches. But they were on sale. How could I not buy them? I’m just a lazy ass all around. I should be up doing something useful and energetic, but I’d rather surf the net and do reading-type stuff. Which would explain why there is no way in hell I am winning the $40.
I’ve mostly been eating what I want. I’ve gotten over my cravings for sweets (fairly easy) and for salty snack foods (harder). But what I’m so so SO tempted by is caffeinated coffee. My physician took me off caffeine last summer, and I’ve been successful staying off. But man, when I get behind on grading papers, get up early to get work done before the kids wake up, and I’m sipping my third cup of decaf wondering why it isn’t doing it for me…dang. I’ve been jonesing for caffeine pretty badly lately.
Lately I’ve been tempted to actually lose weight. I’ve been considering a visit to the gym. I’ve even thought about counting calories. Maybe I’ll actually succumb to the temptation!!
What tempts me? My inner child. Grown up me knows she should eat right and exercise, but my inner child is quite the little temptress. What she says pretty much goes.
My number one temptation is take out. Living in NYC it is sooooo easy to order anything to your door, but that doesn’t necessarily mean you will eat well. At least once a week I am tired enough to think about ordering…but my brain denies it.
I get tempted so easily. Mostly by peanut butter and anything else that starts with the word, “Reese’s.” Late at night when I’m watching Chelsea Lately, I think that should be exercising. Instead, I just close my eyes and imagine that I am Mena Suvari in American Beauty, being showered with rose petals. Except that it’s me instead of Mena, and I’m being showered with jars of PB. And then I get hit in the head and wake up. Then it’s time for bed.
My biggest temptation is eating delicious quick unhealthy foods. I’m a sucker for pizza. Making healthy choices is more expensive and more work, and I’m just lazy I guess.
Our twelfth week is complete! Today our contestants celebrate twelve weeks into the cockiest and rudest weight loss competition evahhhh! It’s Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser 3!
BC&RL3 is almost over! What are the contestants going to do after the contest ends? Will they continue their diets or fall back into their old ways? Here’s what they had to say…
Mr. Sombrero
Ok I barely lost any weight but this contest opened my eyes and I realized how much I suck at it an need to take this whole weight-losing seriously. Since I always cram things last minute I hope that I can lose few more pounds by the end of this competition. I have few things lying around the house that can help me do that…
TwoPi
On the advice of my physician, I’ve quit caffeine completely. Next up: joining Weight Watchers online. Charles Barkley says I need to “learn to lose like a man”; I’m guessing he lost a bet or something, based on the photo above. Will WW push my weight loss past the 10% goal I set at the start of BC&RL3? Time will tell. I do know that I won’t end up looking like this photo though — Sir Charles has much better legs than I do.
Tam
Will I continue after this great contest is over? Yes. I’ve been a total slacker lately, but it’s always been there in the back of my mind, so it’s keeping me more honest than I might be otherwise. I have a trip to the UK in Sept. and losing some weight would be nice, so I think I’ll keep at it, even if I don’t have to check in every week. The way things were going before we started this, I would have been up as much as I’ve lost, so if nothing else, this brought my compulsive eating to a halt. I’ll keep slogging away. Congrats to Cupcake. Someday I shall be a cupcake, ’tis my fondest wish. (And I’m writing this before I know who wins, but I’m sure it’s Cupcake.)
Adam
Let’s face it, I’ve done horribly in this competition. But I’m going to change — I swear! Diet, exercise, willpower, and weight loss are all in my future! I hope…
Michelle M.
I’m about halfway to my goal, so I’m going to keep on dieting until I get there. Summer is coming and I want to fit into my shorts!
Ryan
I plan to continue after this, but I haven’t exactly been that diligent over the past few weeks. If I do my best to keep track of what I eat and make my exercise goals, I could hit my next weight goal sometime this summer. I don”t know if that will be the end because I’ve never been this lean in my life, so I have no idea where I want to end up. I think I might pick up running in the next couple of weeks. I’m at the point that walking longer doesn’t provide much of a challenge beyond finding the time.
Polt
This week, we’re to talk about Beyond BC&RL3. When this is over, I’ll not fall back into my old ways, cause I don’t want my doctor yelling at me. I got onto this diet I’m on because of her, and luckily it just happened to correspond with this competition. Weight loss, though, is only a secondary goal. My main goal is to get my sugar levels down. And that I’ll continue, hopefully, well after the contest. And in doing so, I’ll eventually end up all sleek, and svelte, and sexy-like. Just like this photo!
Mikey
The graph here is what I had hoped my weight loss would look like. It hasn’t yet, but I have started to lose weight again! Ty and I are continuing to two a few things to maximize our loss and minimize our waists: cooking healthier foods rather than doing the NYC thing of ordering in ALL THE TIME, substituting seltzer for tonic (don’t laugh…it works. I lost 5 lbs after making that small change), and trying to get more of the dreaded exercise.
And now the week’s results:
Stay tuned each Thursday for the stunning weight-loss success stories of our eight contestants. Who will win this year’s competition? Find out on May 31st … just in time for bikini season!
Last week, Mr. Sombrero and I traveled to the great country of Canada! We had a great time in Montreal, hanging out with Tam & The Kid, seeing all of the sights, taking a day trip to Quebec City, sampling the local cuisine, making fun of the French-speaking locals, and partaking in all of the other great things that Canada has to offer.
Here are some of the highlights…
Mr. Sombrero stole an idea from Tam’s future NYC trip and opted for a short-term apartment rental in Montreal. For less than the cost of a hotel room, we had a spacious apartment with a full kitchen. Oh, and there was a bowl of potpourri that I quickly fashioned into a pair of penises.
Here’s The first day that we were there, we hung out with everyone’s favorite Canadians: Nathan and The Kid! … And Tam! The lady that took the photo of the group apparently couldn’t figure out how to take a photo with my camera, so I stole this photo from Tam’s site.
Canada has a chain of health food stores named Rachelle-Bery. Not to be confused with Rachel Berry from Glee.
The new season of Glee starts tonight! Woo!
Canada is perfect in every way, they even have Subway restaurants!
While we were there, we got to see a little of the Montreal Grand Prix bicycle race. Damn those bikes go fast!
The Montreal Tam-Tams are a drum circle based in Montreal, Canada. The free event gathers thousands of drum players, dancers, vendors and visitors, every Sunday, at the George-Étienne Cartier Monument in Mount Royal Park. The Tam-Tam festivities start at 1 pm and continue until sunset. Tam-Tams, or simply “tams” as they are sometimes called by locals, began in 1978 and over the years have become one of the main tourist attractions of the city. It’s basically a giant group of pot-smoking hippies, banging on drums and dancing in a cloud of marijuana smoke.
Here’s a parking kiosk with some colorful graffiti. Clearly that artist didn’t read my post.
At one restaurant that we went to, I was known as an “Ultra Vegetarian” — how cool is that?
In Canada, Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups aren’t possessive! How weird!
On our second day, Mr. Sombrero and I took an Amphi-Bus tour around Old Montreal. Here’s a view of Molson building from the river.
Here I am making a creepy face. Check out my awful ginger ‘do!
In Old Montreal, they discourage swimming in the fountains.
Here’s a shot of the Notre-Dame Basilica in Old Montreal. Ooo pretty church!
The prices for stuff in Canada is all sorts of whack. There’s a comma where a decimal point should be! And the dollar sign is on the wrong side! WTF?
On our second day in Montreal, we took the metro to the other side of the city. It was the cleanest metro station I’ve ever seen! A minute after snapping this photo, the entire station was evacuated due to some sort of emergency. (It was all in French…)
We eventually made our way to Montreal’s Olympic Park where I made friends with this cute little kitty.
Our first stop in the Olympic Park area was the Montreal Biodôme. Here’s a photo of of a Capybara, the largest living rodent in the world. How freak’n cute is that giant rat!?
Here’s a photo of me getting my arm bitten off by an alligator! Sadly, it’s not the first time.
And odds are, it’s not the last.
My arm was not enough to satiate that awful beast! Next it bit off Mr. Sombrero’s head! Egads!
And finally, here’s some penguins. Because really, who doesn’t love to watch the penguins?
Are you bored yet? Too bad! My vacation photos continue tomorrow!
What were Adam & Wonder Woman thinking?!
Leave your thoughts in the comments!
Submit your potential What Were They Thinking?! photos to:
cockyandrudedotcom@gmail.com
Welcome to Cocky & Rude Fight Club! The rules to the game are simple. Each week we’ll introduce our fighters. We’ll do the leg work and help you analyze their strengths and weaknesses. Then we’ll put the results to vote. You’ll pick which combatant will decimate their opponent in the knock-down, drag-out brawl of Cocky & Rude Fight Club! Let’s meet this week’s fighters…
MIKE TYSONFull Name: Michael Gerard Tyson
AKA / Alias / Nicknames: Iron Mike, The Baddest Man on the Planet
Date of Birth: June 30, 1966 (age 45)
Place of Birth: Brooklyn, New York, U.S.
Hair Color: Black
Relationship Status: Married to Lakiha Spicer
Occupation: retired American boxer, actor
Height & Weight: 5 ft 10 in, approx. 226
Hobbies: raising, breeding and racing pigeons
Favorite place to bite someone: Ear
Tattoos?: numerous, including a tribal tattoo on his face
Criminal Record: convicted rapist
Movie Appearances: numerous, most notably The Hangover and The Hangover Part II
Favorite Song: Phil Collins, In The Air Tonight
Awards: Numerous, including National Golden Gloves Champion Heavyweight 1984, Undisputed Heavyweight champion (held all three major championship belts; WBA, IBF, and WBC) – August 1, 1987 – February 11, 1990
Stats: 50 Wins (44 knockouts, 5 decisions, 1 disqualification), 6 Losses , 0 Draws, 2 No Contests
Claim to Fame: former Undisputed Heavyweight champion of the World
Mike Tyson is a former Undisputed Heavyweight champion of the World and holds the record as the youngest boxer to win the WBC, WBA and IBF world heavyweight titles, he was 20 years, 4 months and 22 days old. Tyson won his first 19 professional bouts by knockout, with twelve of them occurring in the first round. Tyson successfully defending the World Heavyweight championship nine times, including victories over Larry Holmes and Frank Bruno. Throughout his career, Tyson became well-known for his ferocious and intimidating boxing style as well as his controversial behavior both inside and outside the ring. Tyson’s secret weapons include superior ear-biting ability, a penchant for raping people, fists of steel, and a terrifying face tattoo.
MIKEYAKA / Alias / Nicknames: Mike, Mickey Mouse, Marrow
Date of Birth: 05/11/1879
Place of Birth: Bay Shore, NY
Hair Color: Dark Brown
Current Residence: Brooklyn, NY
Relationship Status: happily cohabitational
Occupation: gay for pay
Height & Weight: Shorter than Craig & Heavier than Craig
Hobbies: movies, literature, making grammatical mistakes so Adam has a reason to interact with me
Favorite place to bite someone: in the bedroom
Tattoos?: none
Criminal Record: that was stricken from the record when I turned 18 so I don’t see how it is any of your business
Movie Appearances: Grey Gardens ( I was a cat in a former life)
Favorite Song: 99 Luftballons, Nena’s famous anti-balloon protest song
Awards: some really dorky overachiever awards throughout grades K-12 then I became an award winning underachiever
Claim to Fame: I invented post-its
Secret Weapons: metaphors and thesauri
Favorite curse word: tit-wank
In Mikey’s own words: “I’ve had so many lives that it’s hard to just write about the current one, but I’ll try. I was born a long time ago in the realm of the fairies. You might know it as Long Island. Anywhooo after I saved the world from destruction by the Noid in the late ’80s I decided to go into semi-retirement. I now spend most of my time watching 30 Rock, The Catherine Tate Show and anything else that is available streaming on Netflix. When I’m not doing that, I have a job.” Mikey’s secret weapons include “metaphors and thesauri,” as well as a never-ending supply of cheese balls, a really smart boyfriend, an incredibly long tongue and the ability to lick ginger pussy better than anyone else.
Who will win in the battle of MIKE vs. MIKEY? Will Mike Tyson tear Mikey limb from limb? Or will Mikey pelt Mike Tyson with cheese balls and lick him to death? There’s only one rational way to decide which fighter will win this battle. We’re putting this no-holds-barred fight to a vote. The poll will be open for approximately 24 hours, and you may vote as many times as you want. That’s right — we’re not blocking repeat votes, so vote now and vote often for your favorite Cocky & Rude Fight Club opponent.
Check back on Sunday for the results!
Thanks to Mikey & Michelle M. for your assistance with this post!
Not too long ago, Mr. Sombrero and I took a day trip to beautiful Sandy Hook, NJ. It was an unseasonably warm spring day — the perfect for both of us to play hookey from work take a weekend trip to the Jersey Shore. And since it was so early in the season, we didn’t see any fist pumping Guidos! Just a few leather-skinned bodies and a bunch of senior citizens taking in the sights.
Sandy Hook is an erect peninsula, thrusting itself into the Atlantic Ocean towards Staten Island and Brooklyn. It’s part National Park, part military base … and completely covered in phallic symbols. (A portion of the bay is even named Spermaceti Cove!)
Here’s the lighthouse at Sandy Hook.
Here’s some old missiles.
Here’s a cannon and some cannon balls.
And here’s a sign that says “cock” on it! And while I was busy taking signs of phallic symbols and signs, I also had time to pose for a few photos.
Here I am defying death and standing in a Hazardous Conditions Area. Don’t I look scared?
And here I am telling passers by that my back door area is closed due to extremely hazardous conditions.
Sandy Hook is covered with crumbling structures from past military bases. Some were constructed during World War II to defend our region after the attack on Pearl Harbor. And others …
…were ERECTED a bit earlier! Ha!
It was a nice clear day, and we could see all the way to the Verrazano-Narrows Bridge from the northern tip of the peninsula.
After dragging Mr. Sombrero all over the place and forcing him to take photos of me in silly poses, he became upset and kicked over a portapotty. He demanded that we go spend some time on the nearest beach, which just happened to be a…
NUDE BEACH!!
After being fully warned that we’d see some p33ns and vajayjays, we entered the beach. Luckily it wasn’t required that we stripped down to perfectly sculpted bodies, so we both wore burqas.
It was not a crowded day at the nude beach, and we only saw few ancient dangling sausages and saggy chesticles. Lots of nudies seem to erect little fabric fences around themselves to keep some sense of modesty while they lay around in their saggy leather-skinned bodies. It also wasn’t the warmest day … so some people (like the man in these photos) stayed warm by wearing a red windbreaker and no pants.
Mr. Sombrero was a little chilly! (I know you’re all jealous of the sunglasses that I loaned to him!)
Aren’t we totally adorable?!
Okay, I lied. I did whip out my tree bark-covered p33n-log just long enough for Mr. Sombrero to snap a photo. Who needs ‘the motion of the ocean’ when “lil Adam” makes me look like a tripod? And check out my vacation-themed red boxers! Mr. Sombrero is a lucky, lucky man!
After some time on the beach, we took a little more time to pose for some photos, and then headed home. But just when we thought that our fun day was drawing to a close…
We found a bowling ally! We played two games…
And I destroyed him both times! WINNING! (But at least he’s consistent…)
I hope you all enjoyed our fun day as much as we did!
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Have You Ever … On Thanksgiving?!
The rules are simple: For each question that you answer ‘yes’ to, give yourself a single point. When you reach the end of the quiz, add up your
points and post your total in the comments.
Have You Ever?!
1. Have you ever spent a Thanksgiving away from your family?
3. Have you ever attended the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade in New York City?
8. Have you ever made your mom cry on Thanksgiving?
14. Have you ever needed to find an open supermarket on Thanksgiving because you (or someone else) forgot or messed something up?
19. Have you ever vomited after eating Thanksgiving dinner?
Thanksgiving table?
2. Have you ever celebrated Thanksgiving alone?
4. Have you ever sat through the entire Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade on television?
5. Have you ever watched football on Thanksgiving?
6. Have you ever come out of the closet to anyone during Thanksgiving dinner?
7. Have you ever cried on Thanksgiving?
9. Have you ever been forced (or forced others) to recite what they’re grateful for?
10. Have you ever single-handedly cooked a Thanksgiving dinner?
11. Have you ever not eaten turkey on Thanksgiving?
12. Have you ever slid jellied cranberry sauce out of a can?
13. Have you ever dropped a dish while bringing it to the table OR while passing it around the table?
15. Have you ever consumed at least two forkfuls of EVERY dish on the table?
16. Have you ever eaten an entire pie in one sitting?
17. Have you ever fallen asleep mid-Thanksgiving dinner due to a tryptophan overdose?
18. Have you ever ate so much on Thanksgiving that you felt sick?
20. Have you ever clogged the toilet after taking a massive Thanksgiving dump?
21. Have you ever gotten drunk on Thanksgiving?
22. Have you ever gotten high on Thanksgiving?
23. Have you ever given a hand or blow job underneath the Thanksgiving table?
24. Have you ever received a hand or blow job underneath the
25. Have you ever had sex (any kind) on Thanksgiving?
Well? HAVE YOU? Tell us your total in the comments.
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