Tag Archives: nose blow

The Case of the Bitchy Buffet Blower Bully

On July 4th, my mother took my grandparents (her parents) to a breakfast buffet. It wasn’t very crowded — there were probably 40 empty tables in the restaurant. The three of them were enjoying their meal until my mother’s attention was drawn to a woman at a neighboring table. She was noticeably agitated while her husband and young son were shoveling their faces full of food.

“Excuse me! Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!!” yelled the woman.

“Yes…?” questioned my mother.

“I’m trying to eat over here and he’s disgusting! He’s blowing his nose! IT’S DISGUSTING!” the woman said.

“What??” My mother was appalled.

“I’m trying to eat and he’s blowing his nose! DISGUSTING!!” She covered her mouth as if she was seconds from vomiting.

My mother responded with something completely inadequate along the lines of “Don’t worry about it, we’re leaving soon.” What makes the whole situation even more upsetting to me is that my grandparents are both hard-of-hearing (they’re in their late 80s/early 90s) and they didn’t even hear the woman.

“What did she say?” my grandmother asked. My mom repeated it to them.

“Oh…” said my grandfather, feeling embarrassed and a bit defeated. Picture a nice old man sitting at a table, quietly blowing his nose into a handkerchief. Is that scene really so horribly offensive?

When my mom told me the story, I was enraged. How dare that woman cross my grandfather? My mother should have cursed her out and then dumped the woman’s plate into her lap. If I were there, my response would have included at least three choice expletives. Then perhaps I would have spit into her face. People just don’t spit on each other enough these days.

Is public (and covered) nose blowing a disgusting offense? Or was that bitch just a bully? Tell me how you’d react!


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I Don’t Want To Hold Your Hand

According to Wikipedia, handshaking was practiced in ancient Greece as far back as the 5th century BC. And some researchers have suggested the handshake may have been introduced in the Western World by Sir Walter Raleigh during the late 16th century.

Either way, handshaking is gross and I don’t want to do it.
Just thinking about where people’s hands have been makes me cringe.

Germy!

Slimy!

Eeeew!!

Probably didn’t wash their hands!

A clammy, limp handshake is disgusting. Plus, pandemic anyone? Did you know that you are only 6 handshakes away from dying a horrible, excruciating death? Here is a chart, so it must be true.

I move that we find another way of acknowledging each other and abolish handshaking altogether. But what form of greeting should replace the handshake?

The highfive? I would still have to come into contact with a sweaty palm. No thanks.

The fistbump? Touching is still involved. Pass.

The salute? Too formal.

A curtsy? Too fancy schmancy.

A bow? Not bad – but Asian people might think I’m mocking them.

The airkiss? Too phony.

A hug? Fine for friends (or Polt), but if I don’t want to shake your hand,
I certainly don’t want to hug you.

So what does that leave?

It’s the perfect solution. It’s friendly, yet allows one to keep one’s distance.

It works for all ages – from the littleuns’…

to the tweens…

to the oldz.

All the cool kids do it.

As well as human rights leaders,

and deities.

So next time someone wants to shake your hand, avoid that moist, grimy mitt.
Lock and load and fire off those fingerguns!

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