Welcome to the second week of Biggest C&R Loser 2013! This year we’ll be keeping all of the results and placings secret until the end of the contest. We’ll also be pooling our cash to award the 2013 winner the largest prize we’ve ever awarded … a whopping $40! This week’s theme is “GOAL & PRIZE” - Everything is easier if there’s a goal & prize in place. Each of the contestants will tell us what their personal goal and/or prize is and how it will motivate them to lose weight.
When I win Biggest C&R Loser, I’m going to let Mr. Sombrero buy me an entirely new wardrobe! We’re going to go shopping at Abercrombie & Fitch and buy one of these weird-shaped sports balls. That’s all I’m ever going to wear!
My goal for this round of BCRL is to lose enough weight that I can throw away my fat jeans! Or burn them. Or both!
I am playing to fit into all of my clothes….and to make sure that when I go shopping for clothes I don’t have to constantly buy a size up. I hate that. 
This time around I hope to get serious about my weight loss. I’ve gained a small ton in the past six months and have almost doubled in size since I met Adam. [hmmm?] And all for good reasons: health, general well being and a bunch of clothes that no longer fit.
My goal in this competition is to be healthier and look better. Hopefully like the guy in this photo. It’s important to aim high, so that even if I don’t quite make it, I still get quite far.
What’s my goal and prize for doing this? Well the weight loss will be nice, but my main reason for doing this (other than the money) is my diabetes: I want to get my A1C to 7.0 or below (which makes me a controlled diabetic. Normal people are 6.0 or below). Last March, it was above 9, my doctor yelled at me and put me on a diet. I followed it and in three months, dropped to 7.1 in June. Because I slacked off, in September, it was 7.4. Now, over the holidays, I’m sure it’s gone up again. And this coming Monday i have a doctor’s appointment, where I’m sure she’ll yell at me again. But with her yelling and this contest, hopefully, I can get it back down around or below 7.0. That’s my goal. the prize? Having better health and not dying as soon.
Okay, I was really not mentally prepared for this whole process to start last week. I seemed to be still in the post-holiday sugar-craving mode. Enough. I need to track my food consumption more carefully. No more chocolate. My goal is 15lbs. I know that’s kind of wimpy, but if I don’t set my sights too high I might actually make it and more would be a bonus. Better to aim low and succeed I always say. Well, mostly. Whatever. Reward? I don’t know. Maybe new shoes. I’m always up for new shoes. (And no, I don’t really want pink sequinned sneakers, but something.)
My “prize” is a cruise with my immediate family, hitting various ports along the Baltic. For me, the challenging part of this trip will be its physical demands. I have arthritis in my lumbar spine, and can’t (currently) be on my feet for prolonged periods of time. This will put a serious crimp in our site seeing at the ports of call. I’m working on physical therapy to try and regain some motion and strength, but one thing that would make all of that more effective is weight loss.
Some claim that the pet you choose can reveal a lot about your personality.
Is it true? Let’s find out…
Mikey & Ty: English Bulldog
“People who owned utility dogs, like English bulldogs …[are] more conscientious and extroverted.” (source)
Adam: Cat
“…A sensitive fella! And he’s not only sensitive, but just loves to send you photos of his cat all day long and post them on Facebook and Twitter. I’m not sure why this is, but guys with cats are prone to such things.” (source)
Mel: French Bulldog, 3 cats (also: 2.5 alpacas and 2 Shetland sheep)
“The owners … are expressive and full of personality. These people are often overachievers because they like a dog that is a bit of a challenge.” (source) “Cats inexplicably make you stand out as more and more insane with each additional feline you possess.” (source)
Michelle M.: Parakeet
If you “…fancy a smaller variety such as a Parakeet or Canary,
you tend to be softer-spoken with a gentle demeanor.” (source)
VUBOQ: Cat
“You are easy going, but independent just like your cat; however,
you do enjoy a little snuggle time from time to time.” (source)
Craig: Wants a cat
Cat people are “more likely to be open… Open people tend to be:
curious, creative, artistic & nontraditional thinkers.” (source)
John: (had) Rabbits
“The reason your man would have a pet rabbit is because he never had one when he was a kid, and now that he’s living on his own, he’s going to finally fulfill that dream. The rabbit’s name is probably something like “Rambo”or “Killer” to make up for the fact that he’s a dude who actually owns a fluffy bunny.” (source)
Tam & The Kid: 2 Cats & a Rabbit
“If you get stressed out easily, you may be a cat person. Cat people were, as a group, 12% more neurotic than dog people. Neurotic people are: easily stressed, anxious & worriers.” (source) Rabbit owners are nice, active and are great with long-term commitments. (source) (Note: I couldn’t find a photo of Tam’s pets)
Josh: Cat & Dog
“If he owns a dog, your man is loyal and can actually commit, because owning a dog is as close to having a child as it comes.” (source) “Cat people are loners who are less religious than non-cat owners, want instant gratification, are satisfied with their jobs and are socially conscious.” (source)
Mama Polt: fluffy little dog
“…You have a desire to nurture your tiny pets. You tend to enjoy accessorizing and your pet can be an extension of that quality. Maybe you just really love cats but are in denial. In any case, you love that you can take your small pooch with you almost anywhere. You are probably as cute and lovable as your puppy, but sometimes might be considered annoying.” (source)
Welcome to Cocky & Rude Fight Club: ROUND TWO! The rules to the game are simple. Each week we’ll re-introduce our fighters. We’ll give them each a chance to speak their mind. Then we’ll put the results to vote. You’ll pick which combatant will decimate their opponent in the knock-down, drag-out brawl of Cocky & Rude Fight Club! Let’s meet this week’s fighters…
Each week of Round Two, we’ll drop three Round One winners into the ring and see who remains standing after a 24-hour Cocky & Rude Fight Club vote. Today’s contestants are: Ryan, Chris D. & Adam!
On July 28th, Ryan With A Cupcake (a.k.a. Ryan Sans Cupcake, look at those abs!) faced off against his mortal enemy: The Muffin Man. In the battle of cupcake vs. muffin, Ryan managed to defeat his opponent with a staggering 99% of the popular vote.
Adam and Chris are going down. I’ve already crushed Adam in the Biggest Cock and Rudest Loser contest by losing more than twice as much weight as he did. As soon as the bell rings, he will piss his pants and then be too distracted trying to figure out what the puddle looks like to defend himself. Meanwhile, Chris is just too nice to win. He only won last time because Mr. Rogers out-niced his ass. Of course, the real reason to vote for me is to get me to show of the clothes I bought last weekend. -Ryan
The following week, the eternally nice Chris D. went up against the deceased nice, Mister Rogers. But everyone’s favorite cardigan sweater-wearing nice guy was no match for Chris D.’s power of … life. Chris D. defeated Mister Rogers with an impressive 88% of the popular vote.
I am going to beat Adam because if Adam wins, he will be dogged by rumors that this whole thing was rigged for decades. Would you seriously want to do that to poor sweet Adam? Vote for me, for Adam’s sake! Ryan could be a bit of a challenge. He is more popular than me, he is probably cooler than me, and lately he’s looking quite fit… BUT I’m the underdog! And if there is one thing that we believe in, it is the ability of the quirky underdog to triumph over insurmountable odds! So vote for me, because I am less popular, and less cool than Ryan! -Chris D.
Our final C&R Fight Club Round One match pitted Adam against the overweight, immature, spoiled, outspoken, lazy, foul-mouthed, mean-spirited, racist, sexist, anti-semitic, sociopathic, and narcissistic Eric Cartman. In the end, all of those adjectives were no match for Adam, who defeated Eric Cartman with 84% of the popular vote. -Adam
Seriously? This is my blog. Do you think that Chris D. and Ryan can beat me? Those two are nothing compared to me! Do you hear me? NOTHING! My time is better spent illustrating tweets, photographing piss puddles and coming up with creative ways to use the photo of Polt’s ass in new and exciting ways. Now vote me for. NOW!
Who will win in the battle of Ryan vs. Chris D. vs. Adam? There’s only one rational way to decide who will win this battle. We’re putting this no-holds-barred fight to a vote. The poll will be open for approximately 24 hours, and you may vote as many times as you want. That’s right — we’re not blocking repeat votes, so vote now and vote often for your favorite Cocky & Rude Fight Club opponent.
Check back on Sunday for the results!
Thanks to Michelle M., Ryan & Chris D. for your assistance with this post!
Welcome to Cocky & Rude Fight Club: ROUND TWO! The rules to the game are simple. Each week we’ll re-introduce our fighters. We’ll give them each a chance to speak their mind. Then we’ll put the results to vote. You’ll pick which combatant will decimate their opponent in the knock-down, drag-out brawl of Cocky & Rude Fight Club! Let’s meet this week’s fighters…
Each week of Round Two, we’ll drop three Round One winners into the ring and see who remains standing after a 24-hour Cocky & Rude Fight Club vote. Today’s contestants are: Paul, VUBOQ & FDot.
Paul was our only contestant to face off against a destructive natural disaster. Back on May 26th, Paul defeated a tornado in the C&R Fight Club battle of Swirl vs. Swirl with an impressive 93% of the popular vote.
Wow, this match up reminds me of the fight scene in Star Trek: Generations. Three old guys, beating the crap out of each other in the rocky desert. Since I am obviously the Malcolm McDowell in this battle, I will concede to my two opponents. Now everyone had to decide who the “Kirk” is. -Paul
Can one man defeat Donnie Wahlberg, Danny Wood, Joey McIntyre, Jordan Knight, Jonathan Knight, Brian Littrell, Nick Carter, A. J. McLean, & Howie Dorough? Of course he can! In his C&R Fight Club bout, VUBOQ faced off against NKOTBSB (the New Kids on the Block / Backstreet Boys super group). VUBOQ destroyed the nine boy-banders with 88% of the popular vote.
I’m really bad at trash talk. So, um, I guess I’ll win because Paul and FDot seem really nice and I’m not really nice. So there. Take that. -VUBOQ
In the epic battle of Fan Favorite vs. Fan Favorite, we pitted Hollywood’s Tom Hanks against Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser 2 Fan Favorite, FDot. It was a struggle until the end, but FDot managed to beat the highest all time box office star with 67% of the popular vote.
Ok. Let’s see….. My competition is a guy who grew facial hair in an homage to Star Trek and a guy who consumes so much homemade hooch he addresses his blog posts to juvenile cats. Is there any need to trash talk? I just have to sit back and wait. Paul’s good counterpart will beam him back to the Terran Empire while VUBOQ’s operation will shortly be shut down by a joint task-force involving Uncle Jesse and Boss Hogg. As for myself, in case anyone has forgotten what my homemade chocolate chip cookies taste like, a win in Fight Club will surely allow me to refresh some people’s memories. That, and I’m awesome. -FDot
Who will win in the battle of Paul vs. VUBOQ vs. FDot? There’s only one rational way to decide who will win this battle. We’re putting this no-holds-barred fight to a vote. The poll will be open for approximately 24 hours, and you may vote as many times as you want. That’s right — we’re not blocking repeat votes, so vote now and vote often for your favorite Cocky & Rude Fight Club opponent.
Check back on Sunday for the results!
Thanks to Michelle M., Paul & VUBOQ for your assistance with this post!
Like last year at this time, Mikey has abandoned us for the sunny shores of Adam Corolla, North Carolina. We can only imagine that he’s again eating giant tubs of cheese balls, drinking gallons of alcohol and feasting on just a bit too much Nutella. I only hope that this year’s gluttonous behavior has not turned off his travel companion: Jeopardy! Champion Ty Cone. After a week of debauchery, it’s needless to say that Mikey is in no shape to write a Friday Five. So in his absence, Michelle M. and I have decided to each write a Friday 2.5. Because 2.5 + 2.5 = 5. I think. Yay math! Here goes…
Michelle M.’s First: Harry!
When we bought our house it came with a sunroom. We found out after the first rainfall that the sunroom came with major problems including leaky walls and a crap foundation. It would have to go.
Harry and his friends were going to tear it out this summer, but Harry ended up doing it all by himself. I mean, I know it’s not like he changed the ballast in a fluorescent light fixture, but still, I’m pretty darn impressed!
Adam’s First: Topping my list this week is Zoila Chavez, the housekeeper on Bravo’s Flipping Out. Over five seasons as Jeff Lewis’s house keeper on Flipping Out, Zoila has proven herself to be a smart-mouthed, occasionally working, hilarious addition to the design/house-flipping reality show. This season, Zoila had a facelift and recovered for a few episodes. That left Jeff to clean up for himself (including washing Zoila’s underwear) until he could find a temporary replacement. Hilarity ensued…
Michelle M.’s Second: The Woman in Black. I saw the trailer for this movie the other day. I LOVE scary movies. Especially the ones that keep me from sleeping at night. This one has lots of spooky elements: old timey photos, a decrepit house, rhyming, little girls, creepy ass dolls, creepy ass clown dolls, creepy ass monkey dolls, mud and a ghost. I can hardly wait! But I’ll have to – it doesn’t come out until Feb. 2012 : (.
Adam’s Second: This week, my #2 is Star Wars XXX: A Porn Parody. Yesterday I did the unthinkable: I watched straight porn. And as you know, that’s not my thing. But lemme explain: I watched Star Trek The Next Generation – A XXX Parody! It was everything I had hoped for (and some things that I hadn’t hoped for). The story was great, the actors did a decent job, and the sets and special effects were phenomenal! Commander Data even had makeup … all over his body! All that has left me feeling even more excited for my next straight porn experience, Star Wars XXX: A Porn Parody. Check out the totally SFW trailer:
Michelle M.’s Half: Adam’s tags. Sometimes they’re funnier than the posts. Some of my favorites: tam loves worms, chris d. got naked on his blog, harry should keep his day job, michelle doesn’t care about adam’s feelings, mikey loves video posts, I can always lie and pretend my mistakes are games, poor craig probably cried and why do we have to keep looking at polt’s ass?
Adam’s Half: My half this week is none other than Tam! Tam was a great sport when C&R had a lot of fun with her on our (2-day) “Tam Week.” On top of that, she also sent me a present this week — for no reason! Tam sent me a copy of The Vegan Table that she snagged at a Borders going-out-of-business sale when she was in Chicago last week. She’s so nice! Thanks Tam! I’m totally inspired to use this cookbook when Michelle M. and I rip of Anna & Kristina’s Grocery Bag with our new TV series on OWN. Stay tuned! I’m so excited! (And delusional!)
Great idea, Tam! That’s such a thoughtful idea!
This week’s Friday Five is made up of Harry, Zoila, The Woman In Black, Star Wars Porn, Adam’s Tags and Tam! What a great mix! What’s in your Friday Five?
Welcome to Cocky & Rude Fight Club: ROUND TWO! The rules to the game are simple. Each week we’ll re-introduce our fighters. We’ll give them each a chance to speak their mind. Then we’ll put the results to vote. You’ll pick which combatant will decimate their opponent in the knock-down, drag-out brawl of Cocky & Rude Fight Club! Let’s meet this week’s fighters…
Each week of Round Two, we’ll drop three Round One winners into the ring and see who remains standing after a 24-hour Cocky & Rude Fight Club vote. Today’s contestants are: Michelle M., Captain Kirk and Polt.
If you remember all the way back to April 14th, you’ll remember our first Cocky & Rude Fight Club battle, which pitted our beloved Michelle M. against the media mogul, Oprah Winfrey. In the end, Michelle M. destroyed Oprah with 87% of the votes.
“After weeks of exhaustive training (imagining workout montages and putting on solid muscle fat) I feel I am ready for Round 2! I WILL avenge my darling Craig by K.O.ing the crap out of Kirk. He’s ancient and fat and his toupee and girdle will be his undoing. I think of Polt as a lover and not a fighter, so as long as I pay a few half-naked Asianswithhairthings to sit on the sidelines and distract him I am golden. Plus, I’m counting on the fact that Mama Polt taught her boy to never hit a lady. I AM TOO A LADY, SHUT UP! Anyway, if none of the above works, I will just unleash the Power of PMS. VICTORY IS MINE!!” -Michelle M.
In our shocking second Cocky & Rude Fight Club battle, Puntabulous’s Craig faced off against Star Trek’s Captain Kirk. And in a shocking turn of events, Captain Kirk beat Craig with 52% of the vote. Craig has the distinction of being the only real contestant in the history of C&R Fight Club to lose his battle against a fictional or celebrity contestant.
“Captain’s log, Star date 201108.18. I’ve never trusted Polt and Michelle M., and I never will. I could never forgive them for the death of my boy. Cocky & Rude Fight Club: the final frontier. These are the voyages of CAPTAIN MOTHERFUCK’N KIRK!!! My five-year mission: to destroy Polt & Michelle M., and win C&R Fight Club!! I KHAAANNNN’T LOSE!!” -Captain James Tiberius Kirk
The third C&R Fight Club battle was a duel between the greatest queen that North America has ever seen and the United Kingdom’s actual Queen. Polt easily beat Queen Elizabeth II to a bloody pulp when he earned 95% of the vote.
“Me versus Michelle M. & Kirk? I should be worried right? One is guy who defeated Craiggers and the other is Michelle M. (nuff said there, eh?). But am i worried? HELL NO! Kirk doesnt bother me cause I know Battlestar Galactica kicks Star Trek’s ass any day of the week, so I’ll just channel some hard core Admiral Adama anger and take him right out! And as for Michelle M., well no one wants to go up against her, do they, cause she’s so sweet and nice and Michelle M.-ey. But I know the truth. I know how to beat her: I’ll get a group of noisy kindergarten kids on one side of her and a tipsy VUBOQ with bottles of his homemade alcoholic creations on the other and then, while she’s distracted, I’ll just overwhelm her with the purpleness of my being!!!! MWahahahahahaha!!!! And if that doesn’t work, I’ll ask her very nicely, pretty please, with sugar and a cherry on top, to just lay down and pretend I beat her so that I don’t have to live with the embarrassment of being defeated by a woman smaller than the lower half of my right leg. BRING IT ON, BIIIIIIIII-OTCHESSSSSSS!!!!!!” -Polt
Who will win in the battle of Michelle M. vs. Captain Kirk vs. Polt? There’s only one rational way to decide who will win this battle. We’re putting this no-holds-barred fight to a vote. The poll will be open for approximately 24 hours, and you may vote as many times as you want. That’s right — we’re not blocking repeat votes, so vote now and vote often for your favorite Cocky & Rude Fight Club opponent.
Check back on Sunday for the results!
Thanks to Michelle M. & Polt for your assistance with this post!
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The Twelve Days of Whatever
On the first day of Whatever, my true love gave to me – a parakeet in a pear tree.
On the second day of Whatever, my true love gave to me -
two puntabupedes and a parakeet in a pear tree.
On the third day of Whatever, my true love gave to me – three more polls,
two puntabupedes and a parakeet in a pear tree.
On the fourth day of Whatever, my true love gave to me – four Mikeys licking, three more polls,
two puntabupedes and a parakeet in a pear tree.
On the fifth day of Whatever, my true love gave to me – five naked asses… four Mikeys licking, three more polls, two puntabupedes and a parakeet in a pear tree.
On the sixth day of Whatever, my true love gave to me – six poos a ploppin’, five naked asses…
four Mikeys licking, three more polls, two puntabupedes and a parakeet in a pear tree.
On the seventh day of Whatever, my true love gave to me – seven schlongs a swingin’,
six poos a ploppin’, five naked asses… four Mikeys licking, three more polls,
two puntabupedes and a parakeet in a pear tree.
On the eighth day of Whatever, my true love gave to me – Eight Tams a riding,
seven schlongs a swingin’, six poos a ploppin, five naked asses…
four Mikeys licking, three more polls, two puntabupedes and a parakeet in a pear tree.
On the ninth day of Whatever, my true love gave to me – Nine commenters commenting,
eight Tams a riding, seven schlongs a swingin’, six poos a ploppin’, five naked asses…
four Mikeys licking, three more polls, two puntabupedes and a parakeet in a pear tree.
On the tenth day of Whatever, my true love gave to me – Ten armless Adams,
nine commenters commenting, eight Tams a riding, seven schlongs a swingin’,
six poos a ploppin’, five naked asses… four Mikeys licking, three more polls,
two puntabupedes and a parakeet in a pear tree.
On the eleventh day of Whatever, my true love gave to me – Eleven pissy puddles, ten armless Adams, nine commenter commenting, eight Tams a riding, seven schlongs a swingin’, six poos a ploppin’,
five naked asses… four Mikeys licking, three more polls, two puntabupedes
and a parakeet in a pear tree.
On the twelfth day of Whatever, my true love gave to me – Twelve boxers boxing, eleven pissy puddles, ten armless Adams, nine commenters commenting, eight Tams a riding, seven schlongs a swingin’,
six poos a ploppin’, five naked asses… four Mikeys licking, three more polls, two puntabupedes
and a parakeet in a pear tree.
Happy holidays to my C&R family!
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