Welcome to the 9th week of Biggest C&R Loser 2013! This year we’ll be keeping all of the results and placings secret until the end of the contest. We’ll also be pooling our cash to award the 2013 winner the largest prize we’ve ever awarded … a whopping $40! This week’s theme is “THE LITTLE THINGS YOU HATE” – Everyone is annoyed by something. What’s one of the ‘little things’ that bother our contestants? Maybe it’s the blobby fat hanging over their waist bands or the way that diet food always tastes awful. Let’s find out what bothers them!
The little things. Little tiny portions. Seriously, look on the package of some of your fave snack foods. 120 calories… for 8 chips. WTF? No one in their right mind eats 8 chips or 1 cookie. Get a grip manufacturers.
Annoyances? I’m annoyed that my weight seems stuck, just fluctuating between two numbers for week after week. And I’m annoyed that I keep forgetting that there’s a blurb due on Wednesdays, so I’m always dealing with these at the 11th hour.
Ya know what bugs me? The fact that junk food is delicious and yet it makes me feel bad about myself! I need liposuction and/or Lap-Band surgery. Too bad I spent my last $5 on this stupid contest.
I hate that I have to wear jeans and long sleeved shirts when it’s 90 degrees because I can’t fit into my shorts and tshirts. So maybe I better get going on this weight loss thing. Summer is just around the corner (especially in San Diego).
Little things that drive me crazy??? Numbers! All I do now for my diet is think about numbers: calories, grams, and amount of time moving. The only numbers that are not small that are driving me crazy are my weight and my pant size. THE HUNGER IS TO BIG TO BE A LITTLE ANNOYING THING.
I hate my job! Was that the question? I’m sick of people and I don’t even have time to diet these days. Somebody pay me to nap and be happy!!
The little thing I hate the most is my own laziness! There is so much that I could accomplish if I were less lazy (the least of which is getting more done for this competition).
This week it’s the little things we hate about the contest. Hmm, I don’t think any of them are little. I HATE being fat in the first place. I hate having to diet. I hate having to exercise when I feel like blobbing on the couch. I hate that the food I’m suppose to eat, I don’t like, and the food I LOVE is bad for me. I hate not looking like a male fashion model. I hate Congressional Republicans and their policies. Wait….I digress….
What I hate most, I think, is the guilt. When I go to bed at night and I realize I haven’t walked, even though I had the time. Or when I order a regular Pepsi at a restaurant instead of just water. Or when I eat a whole freaking (small-sized) pizza instead of a salad. I hate the guilt the comes with it. But I’m used to guilt…I kill it by eating a Cadbury caramel egg!
1. Clip your toenails.
2. Organize your grocery store coupons.
3. Admire Polt’s ass.
4. Twiddle your thumbs.
5. Stare at the wall.
6. Watch the Puppy Bowl on Animal Planet.
7. Read a book.
8. Watch The Notebook to balance out the world.
9. Organize a box of Fruit Loops by color.
10. Call all your butch friends who are watching the Super Bowl, just to chat.
11. Roll pennies.
12. Watch paint dry.
13. Clean out your closet.
14. Stuff everything that you took out of your closet into another closet.
15. Alphabetize your DVDs.
16. Comb your back hair.
17. Go shopping.
18. Clean out your refrigerator.
19. Replace the batteries in your smoke detectors.
20. Clean the dead bugs out of your ceiling lamps.
21. Make sure that everything hanging in your home is perfectly level.
22. Tweeze your eyebrows.
23. Catch up on Glee.
24. Look up naked women on the Internet and ponder why vaginas are just so damn disgusting.
25. Actually read one of those m/m short stories that Tam is always reviewing.
26. Masturbate.
27. Watch grass grow.
28. Play solitaire.
29. Add hundreds of pointless life events to your Facebook timeline.
30. Organize your porn.
31. Prune your pubes.
32. Microwave random things until they explode.
33. Perfect a foreign accent.
34. Plot world domination.
35. Perform an interpretive dance of LMFAO‘s I’m Sexy and I Know It.
36. Bake and decorate a cake.
37. Plan your future wedding.
38. Go grocery shopping (the store will be EMPTY).
39. Re-read every C&R post and comment on all of them.
40. Actually visit Our T.V. Night (because no one ever does).
41. Build a sex machine.
42. Nap.
43. Compose a C&R guest post and email it to Adam.
44. Learn the beautiful art of flower arraigning.
45. Drink alcohol until you pass out.
46. Lick the black mold that’s growing on your bathroom wall.
47. Clean your house.
48. Exercise.
49. Go see a movie.
50. Dream up 50 more things that you could do instead of watching the Super Bowl.
Special thanks to Mikey and Craig for their assistance with this post.
Oprah has her favorite things. Bossy has hers. Craig even had a few back in 2007. Actually, I guess we all kind of have them. They’re called Favorite Things. So today, I present you with Spring’s Favorite Things:
The Bathroom Window is her favorite. She spends motionless hours letting
the breeze blow through her hair as she looks out the window.
Kibble is her favorite. She hates wet food, and most varieties of dry food for that matter.
Right now she’s happy with Blue Buffalo Adult Indoor Health.
Water Fountains are the only places to drink. Water that stands still is ignored,
in favor of dehydration.
Murder is all just fun & games. When she’s not attacking ankles, she’s ballistically attacking your face.
Talons more accurately describe her claws. They’re sharper than Ginsu Knives and twice as deadly.
Small Crinkly Balls are the only toys worth playing with. Everything else is crap.
Laser Pointers are the only exception.
Carpeted Cat Trees are best for climbing at high speeds, and keeping an eye on the surroundings.
Piles of Dirty Laundry are a great place to take a nap (especially on top of underwear).
Also acceptable: floors, chairs, couches, next to heaters, everywhere, etc.
and finally, Spring loves The Piss Puddle Game.
Watch your back (and your litter box), Jer-bear.
Summer is a time of warm weather, happiness and fun in the sun. And what better way to start this new season than with a Have You Ever?! quiz? Today’s quiz is a little different than what you’re used to. Instead of asking you about all of the unsavory things that you’ve done during the summertime, we’re going to ask you about all the wonderful and whimsical summer activities that you’ve experienced over the years. Let’s get started.
The rules are the same: For each question that you answer ‘yes’ to, give yourself a single point. When you reach the end of the quiz, add up your points and post your total in the comments.
Have You Ever?!1. Have you ever flown a kite?
2. Have you ever ridden a swing as an adult?
3. Have you ever picked a bouquet of wildflowers?
4. Have you ever took a nap in a grassy field?
5. Have you ever sat under a tree and read a book?
6. Have you ever caught a jar full of lightning bugs?
7. Have you ever enjoyed a firework show?
8. Have you ever seen a drive-in movie?
9. Have you ever gotten up early and watched the sunrise?
10. Have you ever spent an evening under the stars naming constellations?
11. Have you ever slept under the stars?
12. Have you ever gone camping in a tent?
13. Have you ever gone to the bathroom outdoors?
14. Have you ever made ice cream from scratch?
15. Have you ever had a watermelon seed spitting contest?
16. Have you ever gone skinny-dipping?
17. Have you ever participated in a water fight?
18. Have you ever gone swimming in a river or lake?
19. Have you ever gone fishing and caught a fish?
20. Have you ever ran through a sprinkler?
21. Have you ever skipped stones across water?
22. Have you ever built a sand castle?
23. Have you ever been buried in the sand?
24. Have you ever walked barefoot through grass?
25. Have you ever biked more than 20 miles in one day?
Now tell us your total in the comments. Are you afraid your score is a little too low? You have all summer to add more points to your total. Get started today!
Many of you know that I work as a graphic artist in the newspaper business. While my office doesn’t really resemble the newspaper offices that you see on TV and in the movies (constant hustle and bustle, a screaming editor, papers flying everywhere), we still operate under tight and strict deadlines. If the paper is late and we miss our press time, it can cost the company a lot of money. And with the dwindling newspaper market and the current economy, I don’t want to be responsible for that. Outside of work, I’m almost always on the move. Whether it’s my weekly volunteer work, freelance projects, blogging, and splitting my free time between my boyfriend, my family and the rest of my friends… I’m always putting myself under pressure to do more, more, MORE!
But I know that I’m not that special. Everyone faces countless stresses each day, and somehow we all seem to survive. This post isn’t about how I cool down after a stressful situation. Everyone knows that exercise, meditation, relaxation, resting, and all that other crap are great ways to deal with stress after-the-fact. This blog post is about how I behave during stressful situations.
EXTREME FOCUS
I like to think that I always remain completely focused under pressure. And in reality, I am actually quite good at focusing my energy and skills on the task at hand. That is, until someone or something breaks my focus. When I’m very busy at work, it drives me crazy when people stand next to my desk and chit chat about stupid things. I’m busy and I don’t care about your dumb children or what your plans for the weekend are. It’s going to snow?! Seriously?! I don’t care. There are better places to talk about your stupid life than right next to my desk.
BECOME FURIOUS
There’s a old family heirloom that’s been passed down from generation to generation, which I usually keep hidden deep within me. It’s my crazy, lunatic, fire-breathing, Earth-scorching temper. Growing up and seeing this temper manifest itself in other family members, I’ve always vowed that it would never escape. When I’m stressed out, I can feel the steam escaping from my ears. The fire bubbling up within my chest. My vision turns red. My body temperature raises… but that’s it. In my adult life, I don’t think it’s ever made it any further. It pounds on the exit door, but it has never manifested itself in words or actions. People say that keeping these emotions bottled up inside isn’t good for you. Trust me, it is good for you.
USE LOTS OF PROFANITY
Okay, so my temper doesn’t really escape, but little spurts of steam may occasionally escape from the boiling kettle that is my mouth. I like to curse. Some people view a person with a foul mouth as uneducated and unrefined. I like to think of it as just another way to express myself. And when I’m stressed, dropping a few F-bombs here and there helps. I’ve also been referring to a lot of people as ‘sluts’ a lot lately. While driving: “GET OUT OF MY WAY, YOU STUPID SLUT!!!!” I’m not really sure when and why that started happening…
EAT, EAT, EAT!
It’s not really conducive to our weight loss competition, but I often stress eat. I also depression eat, happiness eat, Wednesday eat, morning eat, afternoon eat, evening eat, rainy day eat, sunny day eat, cloudy day eat, and sometimes I just eat. I may not look that fat, but my exterior self is constantly at war with my 800lb interior self. And as I’m stressing my way through life, it’s hard not to just eat everything in sight.
PROCRASTINATE
I can’t remember the last deadline that I’ve missed, but that’s not to say that I don’t procrastinate. When I have a daunting freelance project to complete by the end of a day, I often spend most of that day watching TV, cleaning my house and napping. Then I work like a crazy person to finish the project right on time. All the while thinking of other ways to procrastinate.
And then I’ll start cursing, focusing, eating, getting angry, procrastinating more, and then cursing even more. I’m not saying that my methods are healthy… but I’ve lasted this long, so they can’t be that bad. So what do you do when you’re stressed? Run away? Ignore it? Cry? Pull out your own hair? Or maybe you never experience stress. You just float around on a cloud of happiness every day without a care in the world. If that’s the case, then please don’t bother commenting on this blog post. You’re a slut, and I fucking hate you! But if you’re like me and you experience stress in your life, then tell me all about what you do in the comments. I’ll catch up with you later — I gotta go find a snack…
Photos were all taken with Cameroid.com.
Happy New Year! Ugh, I must have heard that about ten million times at work on Monday. I’m so over 2011. Anyway…
Guess what? I came up with a brand new game that we can all play! It’s called WHAT ARE U DOING RIGHT NOW? and the rules are simple. Throughout a single day, I text message all the players a few times with the simple phrase: “WHAT ARE U DOING RIGHT NOW?” If they’re not too busy, they reply within five minutes with a photo and a quick description of what they’re doing. It’s that simple!
Today’s player lineup: Craig, Enrico, Josh, Mikey & Adam
Enrico: I'm on my way to the farmers market with Rebecca to get lunch!
Adam: Sitting in my coworker's car waiting, for him to get his lunch at Lisa's Deli.
Josh: About to eat a piece of fruit shaped like the first letter of my name!!!!
Craig: Eating lunch at my desk
Mikey: At work, listening to Cake and trying to write an email. My job sucks
Josh: Listening to Erykah Badu and working!
Enrico: Singing along to Taylor Swift and updating or teacher database.
Adam: Working on a spec ad for our circulation department ... zzzz
6:23pm EST- WHAT ARE U DOING RIGHT NOW?
Enrico: Waking up from a nap and hoping Ross made dinner while I slept.
Mikey: I just walked out the stupid door
Adam: finishing up work
Craig: On the train reading The Silver Chair
Enrico: Eating mini-pizzas for dinner! Yummy and nutritious!
Josh: Yelling @ David about my day
Mikey: Chatting with Adam and reading Entertainment Weekly
Adam: Eating dinner and reminding myself why I got The Nanny Diaries from Netflix (Chris Evans).
Craig: Just changed into my pjs, taking my contacts out
OMG our lives are so interesting! Don’t you just love us?! Think your life is more exciting? Want to play along? Email us your mobile phone number, and we’ll include you in our next game of WHAT ARE U DOING RIGHT NOW?
 | The Incredibly Shrin… on BC&RL 2013: Part 2 |
 | Tam on BC&RL 2013: Part 2 |
 | Tasha on 10 Reasons Why Vaginas Are… |
 | Alexus on 10 Reasons Why Vaginas Are… |
| Alexus on 10 Reasons Why Vaginas Are… |
| Vagina. on 10 Reasons Why Vaginas Are… |
 | goblinbox on Biggest C&R Loser 201… |
 | Order Now! Fool Me T… on Commenter Cocktails! |
Where Should Nathan Go On Vacation?
Late last week, Nathan contacted me with a post idea. It seems that he has a week off in July and has no clue what to do and where to go on vacation. Here are my ten suggestions:
Stay in Canada! Canada is a beautiful wasteland of ice and snow. Who wouldn’t want to spend some free time exploring an iceberg, making snowmen, adding unnecessary u’s to words, and napping inside of an igloo! The temperature never goes above freezing in Canada! Slap on your formal wear and have a ball!
Why not spend a week in wonderful Baghdad, Iraq! The largest city in Iraq is home to political unrest, massive troop withdrawals and startling civil rights violations. Who wouldn’t want to visit Baghdad? I hear that they have the best gay clubs in all of the Middle East!
How about a week in North Korea? Spend your time with the new supreme leader, Kim Jong-un! Try your hand at designing weapons of mass destruction, try on a huge selection of Kim Jong-il‘s high heeled shoes, and threaten to start World War III! And that’s all just in the first day!
How about a tour of Chernobyl, Ukraine? Tour the disintegrating nuclear sarcophagus, sample the local radioactive cuisine, and dance the night away with all the local mutants! You’ll leave Chernobyl with a “healthy” green glow that all your friends will be jealous of!
How about a lovely hike near Moab, Utah? While you’re there, make sure to get your arm stuck under a rock … and spend the next 127 hours practicing your survival skills!
Why not spend a week in sunny Afghanistan? Tour the expansive deserts (but watch out for IEDs!) or spend a few days hiding in a cave. For an extra few hundred bucks you can attend a actual terrorist training camp!
Spend a week exploring Antarctica! Antarctica, on average, is the coldest, driest, and windiest continent, and has the highest average elevation of all the continents. I can’t think of a better place to slap on some eyeliner and PAR-TAY!
What, you haven’t heard of Centralia, Pennsylvania? All properties in the borough were claimed under eminent domain by the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania in 1992 (and all buildings therein were condemned), and Centralia’s ZIP code was revoked by the Post Office in 2002. Why? Because the mines below the surface are expected to be on fire for the next 250 years! Get yer tan on in Centralia!
None of those vacations are ticking your fancy? Then how about fabulous Somalia? Since the outbreak of the Somali Civil War in 1991 there has been no central government control over most of the country’s territory. But that can’t stop the bustling tourism business! Spend a day working as an actual Somali slumlord or reenact scenes Black Hawk Down!
If all else fails, you can always spend a week in the pink! Fat Betty’s anus is a warm and inviting … but be warned, when it’s poo-time, you’ll feel like you’re standing in the middle of the busiest highway in North America. She eats a lot, and yes, she poops a lot.
Those are my 10 best suggestions! Do you have a favorite, or maybe you have some ideas of your own? Help Nathan in the comments!
Rate this:
Share this:
Like this: