Welcome to Cocky & Rude Fight Club: ROUND TWO! The rules to the game are simple. Each week we’ll re-introduce our fighters. We’ll give them each a chance to speak their mind. Then we’ll put the results to vote. You’ll pick which combatant will decimate their opponent in the knock-down, drag-out brawl of Cocky & Rude Fight Club! Let’s meet this week’s fighters…
Each week of Round Two, we’ll drop three Round One winners into the ring and see who remains standing after a 24-hour Cocky & Rude Fight Club vote. Today’s contestants are: Ryan, Chris D. & Adam!
On July 28th, Ryan With A Cupcake (a.k.a. Ryan Sans Cupcake, look at those abs!) faced off against his mortal enemy: The Muffin Man. In the battle of cupcake vs. muffin, Ryan managed to defeat his opponent with a staggering 99% of the popular vote.
Adam and Chris are going down. I’ve already crushed Adam in the Biggest Cock and Rudest Loser contest by losing more than twice as much weight as he did. As soon as the bell rings, he will piss his pants and then be too distracted trying to figure out what the puddle looks like to defend himself. Meanwhile, Chris is just too nice to win. He only won last time because Mr. Rogers out-niced his ass. Of course, the real reason to vote for me is to get me to show of the clothes I bought last weekend. -Ryan
The following week, the eternally nice Chris D. went up against the deceased nice, Mister Rogers. But everyone’s favorite cardigan sweater-wearing nice guy was no match for Chris D.’s power of … life. Chris D. defeated Mister Rogers with an impressive 88% of the popular vote.
I am going to beat Adam because if Adam wins, he will be dogged by rumors that this whole thing was rigged for decades. Would you seriously want to do that to poor sweet Adam? Vote for me, for Adam’s sake! Ryan could be a bit of a challenge. He is more popular than me, he is probably cooler than me, and lately he’s looking quite fit… BUT I’m the underdog! And if there is one thing that we believe in, it is the ability of the quirky underdog to triumph over insurmountable odds! So vote for me, because I am less popular, and less cool than Ryan! -Chris D.
Our final C&R Fight Club Round One match pitted Adam against the overweight, immature, spoiled, outspoken, lazy, foul-mouthed, mean-spirited, racist, sexist, anti-semitic, sociopathic, and narcissistic Eric Cartman. In the end, all of those adjectives were no match for Adam, who defeated Eric Cartman with 84% of the popular vote. -Adam
Seriously? This is my blog. Do you think that Chris D. and Ryan can beat me? Those two are nothing compared to me! Do you hear me? NOTHING! My time is better spent illustrating tweets, photographing piss puddles and coming up with creative ways to use the photo of Polt’s ass in new and exciting ways. Now vote me for. NOW!
Who will win in the battle of Ryan vs. Chris D. vs. Adam? There’s only one rational way to decide who will win this battle. We’re putting this no-holds-barred fight to a vote. The poll will be open for approximately 24 hours, and you may vote as many times as you want. That’s right — we’re not blocking repeat votes, so vote now and vote often for your favorite Cocky & Rude Fight Club opponent.
Check back on Sunday for the results!
Thanks to Michelle M., Ryan & Chris D. for your assistance with this post!
Wanna play along at home? Do you think you can pick the winners?
Here’s a handy-dandy bracket for you to keep track of Cocky & Rude Fight Club. (Click to enlarge)
Round Two will be made up of six three-way battles. Round Three will be made of two more three-way battles. After that there will be one final round to determine the Cocky & Rude Fight Club Champion! Who do you think will win the whole contest? Pick the winner in the comments! Or if you’re feeling extra-bored today, send us your completed bracket and I’ll post any that I receive on Sunday. …if I receive any.
If given the option, would you eat a delicious, sugary, icing-covered cupcake? Or would you eat a muffin — a dense, cakey, baked good, stuffed with fruit and pretending to be healthy … oh, and there’s no icing. The choice is very simple: anyone in their right mind would choose the cupcake. Another simple choice was who would win in the Cocky & Rude Fight Club battle of Muffin Man versus Ryan With A Cupcake. Without even trying, Ryan destroyed the Muffin Man, leaving only a single muffin crumb behind. The cupcake-love’n Californian scored 99% of the popular vote (75 votes), leaving the loser from Drury Lane with a measly 1% (1 vote). We at C&R believe that Ryan’s delicious icing was just too good to pass up.
Welcome to Cocky & Rude Fight Club! The rules to the game are simple. Each week we’ll introduce our fighters. We’ll do the leg work and help you analyze their strengths and weaknesses. Then we’ll put the results to vote. You’ll pick which combatant will decimate their opponent in the knock-down, drag-out brawl of Cocky & Rude Fight Club! Let’s meet this week’s fighters…
THE MUFFIN MAN
AKA / Alias / Nicknames: Mister Muffin Date of Birth: 1820 Place of Birth: England Nationality: British Hair Color: dark, balding Current Residence: Drury Lane Relationship Status: unknown Occupations (current and/or past): Baker, Man Height & Weight: unknown Favorite song:The Muffin Man Favorite Food: muffins Favorite Muffin Flavor: all Favorite Cupcake Flavor: none Known for: baking muffins, living on Drury Lane Catch Phrases: “Do you know the Muffin Man?” Claim to Fame: living on Drury Lane Favorite curse word: Drury
Do [or "Oh, do"] you know the muffin man, The muffin man, the muffin man, Do you know the muffin man, Who lives in Drury Lane? Yes [or "Oh, yes"], I know the muffin man, The muffin man, the muffin man, Yes, I know the muffin man, Who lives in Drury Lane. The Muffin Man’s secret weapons include: an endless supply of muffin, ovens set to 350°, cast iron muffin pans, and a mustache.
AKA / Alias / Nicknames: Cupcake, Ryan With A Cupcake Date of Birth: 12/15/1981 Place of Birth: Rochester, MN Nationality: United States Hair Color: Brown Current Residence: La Jolla, CA Relationship Status: Single Occupations (current and/or past): Student Height & Weight: 6’5″ & 81% of January 1st Ryan Favorite Song: The Downtown Fiction – Thanks for Nothing Favorite Food: Ben & Jerry’s Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Ice Cream Favorite Muffin Flavor: Apple Cinnamon Favorite Cupcake Flavor: Red Velvet Known for: Geeking out over physics/science, buying things Craig likes (except Transformers), picture of an insane robot dog Favorite curse word: Bollocks
Hailing from sunny California, Ryan spends his days geeking out over science that mere mortals (like us) will never ever begin to comprehend. He describes his accent as “Canadian according to a Mexican and not noticeable according to someone who was transiently in Minnesota.” Ryan was born in Minnesota, spent a brief portion of his childhood living in the land of cheese, and later moved to California to avoid the extreme heat and cold of the Midwest. He considers himself a cat person (although he does own a cat). Ryan’s secret weapons include an extensive knowledge of physics, an endless supply of cupcakes and cupcake icing, and an insane robot dog.
Who will win in the battle of MUFFIN vs. CUPCAKE? Will the Muffin Man beat Ryan over the head with a cast iron muffin pan? Or will Ryan defeat the Muffin Man with the powers of science? There’s only one rational way to decide which fighter will win this battle. We’re putting this no-holds-barred fight to a vote. The poll will be open for approximately 24 hours, and you may vote as many times as you want. That’s right — we’re not blocking repeat votes, so vote now and vote often for your favorite Cocky & Rude Fight Club opponent.
Check back on Sunday for the results!
Thanks to both Ryan & Michelle M. for your assistance with this post!