Welcome to Cocky & Rude Fight Club: ROUND TWO! The rules to the game are simple. Each week we’ll re-introduce our fighters. We’ll give them each a chance to speak their mind. Then we’ll put the results to vote. You’ll pick which combatant will decimate their opponent in the knock-down, drag-out brawl of Cocky & Rude Fight Club! Let’s meet this week’s fighters…
Each week of Round Two, we’ll drop three Round One winners into the ring and see who remains standing after a 24-hour Cocky & Rude Fight Club vote. Today’s contestants are: Ty, Mush & Jere!
Our resident Jeopardy! genius, Ty, faced off against the wheelchair-bound genius, Stephen Hawking on July 7th. The theoretical physicist and cosmologist proved no match for man that tells federal judges what to do, when Ty trounced Hawking with 73% of the popular vote.
I didn’t watch professional wrestling as a kid, and I don’t watch professional basketball as an adult, so I’m not super familiar with the concept of trash talk. According to my extensive Internet research, I should threaten to kill my opponents and their loved ones, impugn their paternity, and imply that I have had sexual relations with their significant others. That seems a bit harsh. So instead, I will say what I said to my opponents on Jeopardy!: “Good luck, suckas!!” -Ty
The following week, Michelle “Mush” Morgan faced off against Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson in the epic battle of Mush vs. Rock. The Rock’s expert wrestling moves and experience hitting people with folding chairs proved useless against Mush’s fiery Mexican food farts and superior IT skills when she beat The Rock with a very close 53% of the popular vote.
Just ’cause you bitches are big, strong, strapping boys don’t mean that my old age and treachery won’t overcome! I will beat your asses! I will dominate! YOU ARE GOIN’ DOWN!!! -Mush
Jere battled the animated twosome, Tom & Jerry in his first C&R Fight Club battle. Did the cat and mouse’s giant hammers, mouse traps, stinky cheese and presumable invincibility and immortality slow Jere down in his battle? Nope! He dragged the cartoons to court, sued (and kicked) their asses with a win of 95% of the popular vote.
Those queens? Please. When I’m done cock-slapping them around this fight, they’re both gonna wish they had never seen me. Let us pray the pimp’s prayer for these bitches. Lord, please pray for the soul of these pussies and guide my pimp hand and make it strooong Lord! So that they might learn a ho’s place. Amen! -Jere
Who will win in the battle of Ty vs. Mush vs. Jere? There’s only one rational way to decide who will win this battle. We’re putting this no-holds-barred fight to a vote. The poll will be open for approximately 24 hours, and you may vote as many times as you want. That’s right — we’re not blocking repeat votes, so vote now and vote often for your favorite Cocky & Rude Fight Club opponent.
Check back on Sunday for the results!
Thanks to Michelle M., Ty, Mush & Jere for your assistance with this post!
Were you really expecting a cartoon cat and mouse to defeat a human Jer-Bear? We weren’t either. And as predicted, Jere easily defeated the animated duo in last Thursday’s Cocky & Rude Fight Club bout. And not only did Jere win, he DECIMATED the puny toons by earning 95% of the votes (Tom & Jerry only earned 5% of the votes). We at C&R are not quite sure why they lost so dramatically — maybe their temporary truce didn’t last? After all, the two have been fighting each other for over 70 years. Old habits die hard…
CONGRATULATIONS JERE!
Welcome to Cocky & Rude Fight Club! The rules to the game are simple. Each week we’ll introduce our fighters. We’ll do the leg work and help you analyze their strengths and weaknesses. Then we’ll put the results to vote. You’ll pick which combatant will decimate their opponent in the knock-down, drag-out brawl of Cocky & Rude Fight Club! Let’s meet this week’s fighters…
TOM & JERRYAKA / Alias / Nicknames: Tom Cat and Jerry Mouse, Tom was called “Jasper” and Jerry was known as “Jinx” in their debut appearances
First Appearance: February 10th, 1940 in Puss Gets the Boot
Created by: William Hanna and Joseph Barbera
Place of Birth: Unknown
Hair Color: Tom is white and two shades of gray (or blue), Jerry is two shades of brown
Species: Cat & Mouse
Current Residence: A house
Relationship Status: Usually fighting, occasionally friends
Occupations (current and/or past): Tom is a house cat, Jerry is vermin
Notable Appearances: Television: The Tom and Jerry Show (ABC, 1975), The Tom and Jerry Comedy Show (CBS, 1980–1982), Tom & Jerry Kids (FOX, 1990–1995), Tom and Jerry Tales (The CW, 2006–2008) Movies: Jerry danced with Gene Kelly in the GM musical feature film Anchors Aweigh (1945), Tom and Jerry: The Movie (Turner Pictures/Film Roman/WMG, 1993), A new feature film is rumored to be in production.
Height & Weight: Tom weighs approximately 12lbs, Jerry weighs approximately 7 ounces
Hobbies: attempting to kill each other
Favorite Song: their own theme song
Awards: 7 Academy Awards for Best Short Subject: Cartoon
Known for: their famous cartoon series
Catch Phrases: Tom and Jerry almost never speak
Favorite Food: Tom’s favorite food is Jerry, Jerry’s favorite food is cheese
Claim to Fame: In 2000, TIME named the series one of the greatest television shows of all time.
Favorite curse word: none
First appearing in a 1940 cartoon short, the characters of Tom & Jerry have been a favorite of children everywhere for over 70 years! Tom & Jerry have appeared in a ridiculous amount of theatrical animated shorts, television shows, movies, specials, video games, and more. Although they’re usually at odds with each other, this cat & mouse duo have decided to put their differences aside and enter the C&R Fight Club ring as allies. Their secret weapons include possible invincibility and immortality (after all, they’re still alive after a 70-year battle and don’t look as if they’ve even aged a day), giant hammers, mouse traps, stinky cheese, and wealth of friends and accomplices.
JEREAKA / Alias / Nicknames: Call me “Jer-bear” and I’ll kill you
Date of Birth & Age: May 29, 34
Created by: Equal parts luck, genius and boozy, regret-filled night
Place of Birth: The City by the Pestilent Sea
Hair Color: fleshy white boy
Species: hillbilly wearleopard
Current Residence: Harlem
Relationship Status: desperate
Occupations (current and/or past): former journalist, current law student, lifelong professional homosexual
Notable Appearances (Film, TV, etc): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3frIKv7X-fM
Height & Weight: 1800 calories a day diet
Hobbies: voting 1 star for “very poor” on Cocky & Rude posts. Especially those involving cat urine.
Favorite Song (this week): Monster by Kanye West [feat. Jay-Z, Rick Ross, Bon Iver, and Nicki Minaj]
Awards: “Best BJ of All Time” as acknowledged by several random guys
Known for: Inappropriate and unfunny sexual harassment.
Catch Phrases: “Hey teen gang, let’s go [insert name of activity we were going to do anyway]!”
Favorite Food: Taco Bell Bean Burritos
Claim to Fame: Indestructible.
Favorite curse word: Justin Bieber’s Cunt!
Little is known about where Jere comes from, what he does with his time, or with whom he associates. This is remarkable because Jere is like the opposite of internet privacy and he frequently broadcasts his whereabouts, activities, thoughts and bowel movements to a world-wide web that largely pays no attention at all. Gossip tabloids have linked him romantically to famous person Tyler Posey of Teen Wolf, but Jere denies these rumors, commenting “I don’t date 20-year-old guys. Anymore.” Jere’s secret weapons include: The fact that he’s a dog person, he hasn’t had rodents in my apartment since the great “humane trap” invasion of fall 2010, he has an unlimited supply of siblings and family member who’ve got his back, and if all else fails, he’ll sue your ass.
Who will win in the battle of Tom & Jerry vs. Jere? Will Tom & Jerry team up and combine their strengths to defeat Jere? Or will Jer-bear sue them to death while screaming “Justin Bieber’s Cunt!” at the top of his lungs? There’s only one rational way to decide which fighter will win this battle. We’re putting this no-holds-barred fight to a vote. The poll will be open for approximately 24 hours, and you may vote as many times as you want. That’s right — we’re not blocking repeat votes, so vote now and vote often for your favorite Cocky & Rude Fight Club opponent.
Check back on Sunday for the results!
Thanks to both Jere and Michelle M. for your assistance with this post!
Sometimes they’re fuzzy, sometimes they’re feathered. Occasionally they’re scaly, slimy or wet. They’re your pets! But, Have You Ever…?! We’re about to find out! The rules are simple. For each question that you answer ‘yes’ to, give yourself a single point. When you reach the end of the quiz, add up your points and post your total in the comments section.
1. Have you ever had a pet dog?
2. Have you ever had a pet cat?
3. Have you ever had a pet rodent (mouse, gerbil, hamster, rat, rabbit, etc.)?
4. Have you ever had a pet reptile or amphibian?
5. Have you ever had a pet insect?
6. Have you ever had a pet bird?
7. Have you ever worked at a pet store?
8. Have you ever had a pet that gave birth?
9. Have you ever worked or volunteered at an animal shelter, sanctuary (or similar location)?
10. Have you ever adopted a pet from an animal shelter, sanctuary (or similar location)?
11. Have you ever considered a pet to be your best friend?
12. Have you ever talked to your pet?
13. Have you ever made your pet talk back to you in a silly cartoon voice?
14. Have you ever been away from home and desperately missed your pet?
15. Have you ever taken time off of school or work to grieve for the loss of a pet?
16. Have you ever been attacked by a pet?
17. Have you ever killed your pet (accidentally or purposefully)?
18. Have you ever kissed your pet (in a non-sexual way)?
19. Have you ever slept in a bed with your pet (in a non-sexual way)?
20. Have you ever been naked in front of a pet?
21. Have you ever masturbated in front of a pet?
22. Have you ever engaged in sexual activities with another person while a pet was watching you?
23. Have you ever interrupted sexual activities to shoe away or yell at your pet?
24. Have you ever engaged in sexual activities while you or your partner was dressed as a pet (plushy, furry, etc.)?
25. Have you ever committed bestiality by having sex with a pet (or any other animal)?
Please make sure that your point total is leashed, up to date with its shots, and properly reported in the comments.
Are you really, really old? Or maybe you’re really, really, really old? Dust yourself off, prop yourself up, and answer these questions quickly. You might die soon. You know the drill! For each question that you answer ‘yes’ to, give yourself a single point. When you reach the end of the quiz, add up your points, and post your total in the comments section.
1. Did you see Star Wars in the theater in 1977?
2. Did you ever fight Hitler?
3. Were you there when Washington crossed the Delaware?
4. Do you remember when Pong was cutting edge?
5. Have you ever ridden a High Wheel Bicycle?
6. Have you ever owned a slave?
7. Have you ever played lawn darts?
8. Have you ever started a car with a hand crank?
9. Have you ever seen a test pattern on TV?
10. Did you ever have sex before “safe sex”?
11. Do you yell at war movies, “That’s not how it happened!!” …which you know, because you were there?
12. Have you ever given makeup tips to Cleopatra?
13. Are you hoarding state quarters and 2 dollar bills, but you don’t know why?
14. Have you ever purchased something from a TV home shopping show?
15. Have you ever ridden on the back of a brontosaurus?
16. Would you be reallllly rich right now if your mom hadn’t thrown away all your comic books?
17. Have you ever seen The Beatles perform live?
18. Have you ever pledged allegiance to a flag with less than 50 stars?
19. Did you ever own a car phone?
20. Did you ever own a giant mobile phone?
21. Do you remember computers without mouses?
22. Do you remember computers with punch cards?
23. Did you ever walk from Asia to North American?
24. Has a page of a Sears Roebuck catalog ever cleaned your bum?
25. Do you have gray pubes?
OMG you’re ancient! Now shove your saggy parts out of the way and tell us your score.
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Have You Ever… Been Girlie?!
The rules: For each question that you answer ‘yes’ to, give yourself a single point. When you reach the end of the quiz, add up your points and post your total in the comments.
Have you ever?!
1. Have you ever worn a tiara?
5. Have you ever used scented stationery?
12. Have you ever gotten a manicure or pedicure?
18. Have you ever dotted your “i”s with smiley faces or hearts?
2. Have you ever squealed when seeing a mouse, bug or snake?
3. Have you ever worn pink clothing?
4. Have you ever asked someone to open a jar for you?
6. Have you ever carried around a small dog?
7. Have you ever eaten an entire box of chocolates?
8. Have you ever carried on over a teen idol or boy band?
9. Have you ever watched a chick flick?
10. Have you ever cried to get out of a ticket?
11. Have you ever played with My Little Ponies?
13. Have you ever ordered a fruity/girlie cocktail?
14. Have you ever colored your hair?
15. Have you ever worn make-up?
16. Have you ever had more than 4 pillows on your bed?
17. Have you ever had more than 20 pairs of shoes?
19. Have you ever played with a paper fortune teller?
20. Have you ever taken a bubble bath (as an adult)?
21. Have you ever had a slumber party?
22. Have you ever asked for directions?
23. Have you ever gone clothes shopping for fun?
24. Have you ever not gone out because you feel too ugly/fat/frumpy?
25. Have you ever read a romance novel?
Now get out your calculator (because math is hard!) and tell us your score in comments.
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