Our eighth week is complete! Today our contestants celebrate eight weeks into the cockiest and rudest weight loss competition evahhhh! It’s Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser 3!
People say that you should never sweat the small stuff. But sometimes it’s the little things that drive us crazy. This week we asked each of our contestants what one (or more) ‘little things’ are that bother them. Maybe it’s their blobby fat that hangs over their waist band, or the way that diet food always seems to taste awful. Here’s what they said:
When you say little things, I’ll take it literally. Why are little things so fattening? It’s only a few peanuts. They’re miniature M&Ms. It’s just dried cranberries. All of them JAMMED with calories (in addition to good things). All small food should have small calories. If you eat a huge burger, big calories. Tiny cookies, tiny calories. Why are these things not logical?
There are few things that bother Mr Sombrero. Number one is the scale. It hasn’t moved in weeks. What the frak scale?! I thought we were in this together?! Did Adam put you up to this? [no response] Whatever. Another thing that bothers Mr Sombrero is his full length mirror. I don’t like what I’m seeing. Yes I’m talking to you mirror. Don’t give me that fat look. You know what else bothers Mr S? That kid that lost his cupcakes. Yeah that Ryan kid. Showoff. I think I’ve seen some of his cupcakes hanging around my scale. And another thing, what is up with veggie farts. I mean seriously, enough is enough. And do they have to smell like hipster’s wool hat on a hot and humid urban August afternoon? Yeah these are some of my (least) favorite things…
I’m getting tired of tracking everything. It’s the key to my success so far, but it gets really frustrating whenever I eat something outside of my normal routine. The uncertainty of how much food something contains can make planning the rest of the day pointless. This leads me to rely mostly on whether I feel hungry, but this leads to the temptation to let myself have what I want to eat even if I shouldn’t.
One of the little things I hate is being a girl and trying to lose weight. It’s hard to stay on track when you automatically put on up to 5 pounds of water weight each month. You think you’re being good and the WHAM the numbers on the scale jump up. It’s so discouraging. And craving sugar and salty snacks doesn’t help. Stupid hormones.
What irritates me the most is having to pay attention to the bathroom scale once a week. Bad enough having to stand on the darned thing, which naturally gives out a little creaking noise, as in “Oh my GOHD how many of you ARE there?” Then there’s a number, which is never the number I remember from when I was in high school (roughly the last time in my life I stood on a bathroom scale on a regular basis). And finally, there’s the blasted comparison of this week’s number with last week’s number. Ugh. I feel like a schoolboy who just got called in front of the class and didn’t do his homework. Bleh.
The little things I hate are the way my shirts fit and the way that my pants fit. I feel like ALL of my shirts are too small and I float around like the pink iceberg named Fat Betty. My pants however are loose enough that I need a belt, but my belt doesn’t have a hole at the right spot….so they are constantly sagging and showing my ample rear.
Adam A little thing that I hate? Clothes that don’t fit. I’ve gained some weight in the last year — and now the shirts I wore last year aren’t fitting. Why can’t someone design clothing that grows with you? Or maybe I should just buy every available size of shirts that I like. That way one of ‘em will always fit! Think of all the plaid!!!
So this week we’re talking about the little things we hate. Writing these blurbs each week can be a pain, but I’ll not mention that. And I thought I’d actually have to force myself to be taking walks, but I find I enjoy them, and frankly, feel a bit guilty when I don’t take one at least every other day. No, I think what irritates me the most about this diet thing, is the lack of variety in the food I’m eating. I’m eating all the meat and veggies I want (not that I want, or even eat all that many), but after awhile, I’ve just gotten sick of steak. I’d really like to have a sub and some chips, or a big plate of steaming hot pasta and meatballs, or a huge greasy slice of pizza…but I cant. Steak and salad for me…thank you very much. Ah well, in the end it’ll be worth it, right?
And now the week’s results:
Stay tuned each Thursday for the stunning weight-loss success stories of our eight contestants. Who will win this year’s competition? Find out on May 31st … just in time for bikini season!
From Polt: What did I love about this week? Freshly laundered bedsheets, still warm from the dryer. Slapping these little slices of heaven right on the bed and then sliding between them, rolling onto your side, pulling the sheet up to your nose and making yourself a little cocoon of warm, comfy, lavender-scented awesomeness is one of life’s greatest pleasures! Next to a night with three Asians with hairthings spent on those sheets. Yeah, that would be better.
From Tam: My new favourite thing is PC Caramelized Red Onion Chutney. At our house we hate mustard and we hate mayonnaise, so sometimes sandwiches are a little dry, but since I discovered this product … *swoon*. The description: With a fusion of English-style malt vinegar and Italian balsamic vinegar of Modena, along with brown sugar, herbs, spices, and slow-cooked caramelized onions, our zesty chutney adds a dash of vibrancy to your dishes. Imported from United Kingdom. Doesn’t that sound yummy? I guess the imported thing explains the price, a bit steep, but worth every cent to liven up my sandwich. I see they use butter in it so it’s not vegan. Sorry Adam.
From Craig: M&Ms – Growing up in my parents house, Mom always kept bowls of red and green M&Ms scattered around the house around Christmas. (For our Canadian readers, M&Ms are like your Smarties but a million and a half times better.) I carried the tradition over to my new place for my first Christmas on my own and it was fantastic. Easy access to M&Ms at all times with no one but myself to eat them? Yes please! Even after the Christmas season ended, and all the red and green M&Ms had made their way through my toilet and into your drinking water, I’ve kept the tradition alive by keeping original M&Ms on my coffee table at all times. Not only are they extremely delicious, but they add a splash of color to my drab earth toney living room!
From Mikey: So there was this thing called the Super Bowl on Sunday. You might have heard of it. Well anyway, before the game aired NBC ran a commercial/promo wishing everyone a Happy Super Bowl. Sure this sounds like typical network TV fare for the most watched event of the year. What made this one amazing was the fact that someone (most likely Tina Fey) got a bunch of the stars of NBC’s shows together to sing and dance to “Brotherhood of Man” from How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying. The result…magic. And GAY magic, which only happens during Madonna Super Bowls.
From Michelle M.: A federal appeals court ruled against California’s voter-approved ban on same-sex marriage (Prop 8) on Tuesday. Finally.
This week’s runners up: the state of Washington, The premier of Smash, slow cookers, painting bottles, Dance Moms (last weeks competition took place at East Islip High School!), Happy Endings, Archie Panjabi, The River, cat breading and hardcore gay pornography.
Last week you eliminated me and now you expect me to write a post about all the people that are still competing in Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser 2? Nice. Real nice. This week we asked all the remaining contestants (not me) what food they missed the most. Here’s what all those jerks had to say…
FDot: Well, sometimes I feel like having a nut and sometimes I don’t. Luckily, Peter Paul’s Almond Joy’s got nuts and Peter Paul’s Mounds don’t. Almond Joy’s got real milk chocolate, coconut and munchy nuts too, while Mounds has deep, dark chocolate and chewy coconut, ooooo *shivers*. But alas, with the competition there is no chewy coconuts or nuts for that matter. I also miss greatly 100,000 Grand Bars, 3 Musketeers, Airheads, Baby Ruth Bars, Butterfingers, Caramellow Bars, Chuckles, Chunkys, Dots, Dove Bars, Swedish Fish, Fun Dip, Goobers, Good & Plenty, Junior Mints, Kit Kats, Krackle Bars, M&M’s, Mike & Ikes, Milk Duds, Milky Way Bars, Nerds, Nestle Crunch, Paydays, Raisinets, Reeses, Ring Pops, Rolos, Skittles, Snickers, Starbursts, Tootsie Rolls, Twix Bars, Twizzlers, Whatchamacallits, and York Peppermint Patties, because when I bite into one, I get the sensation of being in a fresh Spring day, romping through a meadow with a family of gazelles at my side.
Jere: I miss ice cream. I haven’t had any ice cream in months. I miss picking up a pint of Ben & Jerry’s on the way home and pretending like I had a boyfriend who broke up with me giving me an excuse to watch chick flicks and pig out.
Mush: After eight weeks on a regular calorie-restricting diet, I was going batshit. I was craving pizza and Mexican food and bread like you wouldn’t believe. My daily caloric intake skyrocketed from 1500 calories per day to 2300. I was craving food all the time. So I switched to a no-refined-carbs approach instead: no white flour, no white sugar, no white rice. Hunger problems are solved because my fat and protein intakes are up, and I’ve lost an inch off my waist and half an inch off my neck in the five days I’ve been doing it! (I’ve also gained three pounds, but historically that will be because The Curse™ is on its way.) I’m interested in seeing how this approach – which appears to regulate insulin and therefore adipose fat deposits – works. It’s certainly easier than merely counting calories, even though I find that my calorie intake stays down where I want it to with much less effort. Cheese and eggs and Caesar salads for everyone!
Paul: I have to say the one food that I truly miss is Ciao Bella Key Lime Graham Gelato. This stuff is better than sex, which is good because the F.U.P.A. building calorie count on this stuff will guarantee your wee-wee is in constant shadow. Of course, my grocery store has had this buy one get one free since January so when I get home from grocery shopping every week I stick pins in this voodoo doll and write my blurb.
Ryan: I miss being able to get fast food without spending fifteen minutes looking at online menus to figure out what on the menu, eating things in the cafeteria that aren’t easy to figure out what the ingredients are and how much, and being and to bake cookies for myself.
And now, this week’s results:
And now, like every week it’s time to eliminate a player. Here’s how it works: just like American Idol, you vote for the team that you want to save. The team with the least votes will be eliminated. Polls close around Noon (EST) on Saturday.
Don’t forget to vote, and feel free to discuss this week’s results in the comments!