The 5th week of Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser has drawn to a close.  This is our last week competing at teams — next week we’ll break all of the teams apart and begin to play as individuals!  So in the spirit of the upcoming Valentine’s day and as a final goodbye to your teammate, we asked each player how much they love their teammate.  Here’s what they had to say…

GINGY & THE HAT Adam & Mr. Sombrero

Adam: My teammate is the bestest!  As I started to slack off on my dieting over the last week or so, he picked up the slack and kept our % in a good place.  I also love him because he’s cute and funny and nice and sweet and … oh wait, I’m supposed to talk about dieting.  Mmmm Swedish Fish!  Nom nom nom…

Mr. Sombrero: Ok, before I answer how much I amor my teammate, let me tell you that I have partaken in a Zumba class this week. By the end of the class I was sweating buckets and have since lost weight.  And I loooooooooooooove my teammate, but everyone already knows that. I just wish he would stop stuffing his mouth with chocking hazards every week.

THE JAILHOUSE LAWYERS Polt & Jere

Polt: How much do I love my teammate? More than Mama Polt’s Homemade Apple Pie! See, my weight loss this time around is no less stellar than my weight loss during the FIRST contest. So the only reason our team is still even IN this thing now is all because of Jere. I don’t know how much he’s lost, but however much it is, it’s enough to make up for my lackluster performance. I suppose when you’re going to law school and involved in as many activities as Jere is, there’s not a whole lot of free time left for the lower priority things…like sleeping or eating. Jere, I know your part in this game is a difficult one, cause you’re having to carry me along on you back! But keep up the good work, man!

Jere: This year, it’s always November in Jere’s Palace. That’s because Polt is my favorite member of the gang who has never texted me a picture of a penis. Every interaction with Polt is a little ray of sunshine into my life. He brings good energy. It’s just too bad he’s such a selfish lover and a greedy power bottom.

TEAM COLON BLOW Paul & FDot

Paul: I love FDot so much because he is the one that came up with our team name. There are other reasons, but no one wants to hear that.

Fdot: How can anyone not love Paul?  His lineage can be traced back (supposedly) to a sinlge man from the Bronx.  His last name means “Parish Court”, no doubt a testament to his religious zealotry.  Ever since this contest began, not a night has passed where I have not dreamed of Paul, riding a rainbow-hued Pegasus through a field of gently waving clover, stopping by a burning barn to rescue an orphan, a puppy and a panic-stricken ferret, then whirling around to fend off an attack of mildly agitated carny workers.  By day, I sit and stare at my phone, waiting for the call that will allow me to hear the dulcet tones of his voice, tones that could cause coal to spontaneously combust into a diamond.  Of course I love Paul as my teammate; I reap all the benefits while everyone else seethes with jealously at their inability to share in this deep, personal, cable modem based connection we two have.

TEAM MUSHY CUPCAKE Mush & Ryan

Mush: It’s that time again: The Curse™ is due any second. For this reason, I’m bitchy and crampy and pissed off, and I’ve  been starving for days. I went over my daily caloric goals three times in the past week, but that’s not the worst part. The worst part is that, due to my gender and the afflictions thereof, my awesome, wonderful, groovy, fantastic partner – with whom I’ve been in first place, what, three times? – has to pay the price! Ryan has been losing steadily during this entire contest. He’s serious about BC&RL2, and so am I, and  I honestly think we can win. It’s just that he got stuck with a girl for a partner who bloats up like a corpse every four weeks and I stayed within my weekly goal and should have lost a pound or two but instead I gained water weight and we’ll probably be in last place and get voted off and it’s not his fault and I’ll lose it all by next week’s weigh-in and I could weep with the injustice of it all! No! I’m not fucking emotional! WHY DO YOU ASK!!? A little advice: don’t bake bread when you’re on a diet and PMSing, because you will freakin’ eat the entire loaf, and then you’ll want to eat worse things. Like pizza and Mexican food. Delicious homemade bread is the gateway food to entire worlds of fat and starch. Just don’t do it. Srsly.

Ryan: I’m so glad that I got partnered up with Mush. I didn’t know her that well before this competition, but I loved getting to know her over the past few weeks. She’s the one who introduced me to the tools to track what I eat and my exercise that have helped me to make sure that I burn more calories than I eat. She has also been superbly supportive. Of course, I also love that she’s done an amazing job at losing weight over the past few weeks.  Yay, Mush!

TYLER-EXIA & BULI-MIKEY Mikey & Ty

Mikey: How much do I love my teammate?  Let me count the ways….well I don’t wanna get too cheesy on the blog.  I did that last week already.  Let’s just say I love him a lot more than the weight I have lost and I love him a lot more than my total weight.  That’s probably the best way to quantify it.  I would even say that his weight plus my weight would not be the right number.  Ugh…math is hard.  I’m going to bed.

Ty: I am currently in my secret undisclosed location preparing for a HUGE project that will be revealed soon.  Fortunately, there’s WiFi, so I can duly report my complete lack of progress over the last week, despite the fact that I’ve actually been working out.  But in light of this week’s theme, I should add that I’m not at all upset because it just means that I got to have SOOO much fun with my teammate, eating, drinking and being merry.  That’s how much I love him: I’d gladly risk love handles if it means I get to enjoy more time with him.  Sure, we could probably find ways to be just as happy with celery and tofu as with chocolate love butter and body shots, but is that really the world we want to live in?

How did our teams do in the first week? It’s time to find out!
We’ve added the total percentages for each team.  Here are the results:

And now it’s time to eliminate a team! Here’s how it works: just like American Idol, you vote for the team that you want to save. The team with the least votes will be eliminated. Polls close around Noon (EST) on Saturday.

Which will be the last team eliminated?  Place your wagers in the comments!
And look for the next elimination results on Sunday!

The 4th week of Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser has drawn to a close.  We started the contest with 18 contestants, and now we’re down to 12.  Congratulations to everyone who has made it this far!  This week we asked each of our contestants about their exercise habits. Here’s what they had to say:

DOCTOR AND THE BUNNYMAN Mel & John

John: I can’t believe we are at week five already.  January was such a blur for me.  I didn’t work out as much as I would have liked to, but I have gotten into a routine.  The plan was to get up early and ride my stationary bike for 20 minutes before work and do the same when I get home at night.  I also planned to do push-ups and squats in the evening three times per week.  I haven’t followed this plan as closely as I would have liked, but am averaging working out 3-4 days per week.

Mel: I have to say that I haven’t been doing as much exercise as I would like during this competition. I’m still having some lingering effects from running injuries last fall, plus the past month has been a busy one at work, which is where I get in most of my workout time during the winter months. I do still try to do some brisk walking on the treadmill at work when I have a chance, though. Otherwise, my photo should give you a clue as to the other main aerobic activity I’ve been engaging in this month. Since I live an hour away from work in good weather, I stayed with friends closer to work for this latest storm. As emergency personnel, I don’t get the luxury of a snow day, so I’ll be digging out of this one, as well. I just won’t have to drive quite as far.

GINGY & THE HAT Adam & Mr. Sombrero

Mr. Sombrero: Mr Sombrero hates snow and winter in general. But this week, Madre Nature gave me plenty of opportunities for exercising. I was shoveling snow on three occasions, scraping ice off my car on two occasions and walking on ice pretty much every day. Who cares about not going to the gym.

Adam: I don’t really work out, but I try to be as active as possible. At work, I always park my car in the farthest parking spot from the building. I always take the stairs. Sometimes I help my landlord shovel the snow. But that’s about it. Maybe I’ll join a gym… or maybe I’ll just lay on the couch and watch American Idol.

THE JAILHOUSE LAWYERS Jere & Polt

Jere: Well, I already had a pretty good exercise program prior to the contest, but it got all screwed up with the holiday and travel and stuff. So I’m mostly trying to get back into my routine. And starting this week I’ll be in weekly dance rehearsals for our school musical.

Polt: My exercising routine is more of a not-exercising routine. I try to walk a little bit each day. And that’s pretty much it. And when it comes to exercise, I try to follow the following: Something is better than nothing, more is better than less. In other words, a walk around the block is better than sitting on my fat ass on the couch, and two trips around the block are better than one. It may not sound like much, and it in fact is NOT much, but…something is better than nothing!

TEAM COLON BLOW Paul & FDot

Paul: I have not been working out, while I know I need to I am not a fan of just working out for the sake of working out, I am more likely to enjoy physical activity that has a purpose. This past weekend I went into the basement and put together a whole bunch of stuff that was donated to some charity that work had put together. I also have many projects that need to be done around the house that will involve a lot of ladder climbing and lifting, now if Old Man Winter would stop making everyone his bitch I can get the ladder out of the garage and get started.

FDot: I’m sort of coming to the end of that stage where you can just lose weight while eating less and watching more TV.  It does appear that, to continue losing weight, I will have to engage in some sort of exercise routine.  So I’ve raided my mother’s back catalogue of VHS tapes.  ABS of steel?  Nah, already have those when I’m dreaming.  Jane Fonda?  Hanoi Jane isn’t teaching me anything.  Finally, I managed to find the perfect fit for me. Now I can lose more weight with the added side effect of becoming abnormally perky.  I’ll be all sunshine and lollipops in a week!

TEAM MUSHY CUPCAKE Mush & Ryan

Mush: I ride my bike for transportation; I probably clock around six miles a week (it’s a small town). I was doing the 100 Pushups program but I blew it off. Actually, now that I think about it, since I got this stupid cold I haven’t really been thinking about exercise at all. I’ve never been the type to exercise; I’d rather drink vodka and watch old episodes of Star Trek.

Ryan: I was doing yoga in the mornings semi-regularly at the beginning, but lately I’ve found it hard to get out of bed in time to do it before work. However, I have been doing a lot of walking. I walk to work every day and have started taking longer walks on the weekends.

TYLER-EXIA & BULI-MIKEY Mikey & Ty

Mikey: I don’t like exercise.  But the feeling is mutual.  Whenever I do strenuous non-pleasurable activities I break out in hives.  Well not really, but I do have asthma attacks that sound really really lethal.  I have however found that the icy sidewalks in NYC have made me far more likely to do a triple lutz by accident and as we know, ice skating is a sport.  So I’m counting that.

Ty: I’ve been saying since Week 1 that exercise will be my ticket to victory.  But I haven’t actually done any.  This is inexcusable.  There’s a small, but functional gym in the basement of my building, thus refuting any claim that the gym is too far/expensive/intimidating.  I sleep better and have more energy when I work out.  Most importantly, exercise (especially some good cardio) frees up calories to spend on my two favorite pastimes, eating and drinking. So will I break the bonds of inertia and get off my butt this week?  (Hint: Probably not.)  But tune in next week anyway!

How did our teams do in the first week? It’s time to find out!
We’ve added the total percentages for each team.  Here are the results:

And now it’s time to eliminate a team! Here’s how it works: just like American Idol, you vote for the team that you want to save. The team with the least votes will be eliminated. Polls close around Noon (EST) on Saturday.

Talk it out in the comments.  It’ll make you feel better.
And look for the 4th elimination results on Sunday!