Tag Archives: Master Cleanse

RUDEST LOSER WINNER REVEALED!

10 Comments Posted by on April 7, 2011

So far we know that Mush has claimed Biggest Cock and FDot is your Fan Favorite of Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser 2.  But who will claim the final prize: Rudest Loser?  This year we’re awarding Rudest Loser to the eliminated contestant that has lost the most weight.  What have our eliminated contestants been up to?  And who will win the prize?  Let’s find out…

Adam – Since being eliminated, I decided that I had no excuse but to eat everything in sight.  Thus I started making frequent trips to the grocery store just to restock my junk food snacks and candy stash.  But as of a week ago, I’ve gotten back on track.  I’ve been logging all of my food into FitDay and sticking to a strict <1300 calorie a day diet.  Let’s check back in a month (or 2) so I can win a prize too??

Craig – To be honest, I didn’t work too hard on trying to be the Rudest Loser. But I did my best to maintain the healthy habits I started using during the contests like not eating after 9, and no alcohol during the week, and in the end, I’m happy with the results.

FDot – At first, after being eliminated, I went on a Hershey Symphony Chocolate Bar binge.  Upon winning fan favorite, I’ve rededicated myself to losing some weight.  However, it has proven difficult to forgo many of the foods I’ve previously enjoyed on a whenever I wanted them basis.  I’ve found myself being reduced to skulking around and huffing fumes from used McDonald’s bags in vain attempts to trick my mind into believing my body has enjoyed a non-nutritious meal.  I believe this will end with either my willpower winning out as I learn to enjoy celery as a snack or being found behind a dumpster licking the insides of McChicken containers.  It’s 50-50 at this moment.

Harry – My final weight is down to 184 which was my target.  I did it by running/jogging 3-4 days a week and playing hockey twice a week. I also tried to make my diet healthier by reducing my beer intake, eating more veggies and cutting down on sugary snacks. The diet part was successful except for the beer which I figured was OK because some website said I should be eating 3500 calories a day. If it’s on the internet, it must be true, so I kept drinking beer to make up for those eliminated sugar calories. Michelle helped me to maintain this healthier routine because she kept the fridge stocked with good food and inspired me to go to the lake for a run. In conclusion, Team Oink wins! Suck it.

Jere – I blame the most recent weight loss on a clogged shower drain. For almost a week now our bathtub drain has been stopped up. Two bottles of Draino later (“don’t use Draino on old pipes” yells our management company) and a futile attempt to snake the drain through a small hole in the irremovable metal grate about 3 inches below the opening of the drain, our management company has called a plumber. When I go home tonight I may have a) a working drain, b) a whole new drain/bathtub, c) a big hole in the floor where a bathtub used to be, or d) 6 inches of standing water that has become the early spring breeding grounds for a colony of mosquitoes. The point of this story being that I’ve had to shower at the gym for the last few days. And because I don’t like feeling like a hobo, I insist on doing some kind of workout before taking my shower. Anyway, what was this week’s blurb supposed to be about? Oh, since being eliminated, I have restricted my diet to fast food and things covered in chocolate, but I also sang a danced to a lot of show tunes on stage, which is why I still look like gay Star Wars villain Ziro the Hutt.

John – I have to admit, after I was excused from the competition, my resolve really waned.  Without the discipline of Dr. Mel to guide me, I slipped back into some old habits.  I wouldn’t eat cookies if they weren’t so yummy.  While I haven’t put much weight on, I haven’t lost any.  I am hoping to gain some inspiration from Michelle, Ryan and Paul, but so far all I want to say to the cabana boy is shut up and bring me some cheesecake.

Mel – Mel ignored all of our requests for his participation.

Michelle – My goal was to lose 10 pounds. My weight has been yo-yoing like crazy. PMS makes a contest like this difficult. I’ve lost 5 as of now. I started out great – exercising almost every other day (rollerblading and walks around the lake [5 miles]), drinking tea (yuck) and eating super healthy foods. Lots of vegetables and no treats. But after being kicked off (thanks Mikey and Adam!) I lost my incentive and started exercising maybe 3 times a week (and mostly just walking 3 miles). I also started to sneak in a cookie here, and a chip(s) there. Cupcakes (I think Sprinkles cupcakes are overrated, but I had to have two to be certain), ice cream and onion rings may have also been consumed. In all, I have learned that I pretty much have no will power, metabolism or hope of fitting into my jeans unless I step it up and renew my commitment to celery.

Mikey – Ugh….I feel no differently about my weight and health than I did before this contest began.  Sure I want to lose weight, but honestly the losing is always so much harder when you do it by changing your diet and getting exercise.  I much prefer to a) starve myself b) master cleanse (which is another way of saying starve) c) eat.  So that is why I’m exactly the same size I was when this started ages ago in January.

Mr. Sombrero – After elimination, I was not at all inspired to continue loosing weight. I turned into overworked, big, fat… apple. There should be an award for losing the least weight. That way I could win something.

Nathan – Getting kicked off in the first round really hit Nathan hard emotionally. Having told his friends that there is simply nothing that is more embarrassing than being the first person eliminated in a reality show competition, he quickly hit rock bottom. After being discovered weeks later underneath a vast wasteland of empty pizza boxes and taco bell wrappers, his friends put him onto an episode of Intervention. After an emergency triple stomach stapling and life coaching from Richard Simmons, Nathan was able to get his pathetic shell of a life into a semblance of what it once was and his net weight back to where he started in the competition. He was still too lazy to send in a photo of himself though, but sent this picture of an overweight beaver as a rough approximation of his current proportions.

Polt – Since I’ve been eliminated, I almost got back to my starting weight. See, everything balances out in the end. Congrats to the winners and those who kept their weight off. For me, I’m just happy to not have gone back over my starting weight. The same in the end as the beginning…like a set of plump purple Poltastic bookends!

Tam – Well, public humiliation appears to be effective only as long as you are in the public eye. Once I got turfed and sent to the beach cabana with Nathan and the cabana boys Juan and Julio, I lasted about another 2.5 weeks of being good and then … eh. I didn’t gain any back though so I guess not that bad, but not great. Being called on the carpet for your habits definitely works. I’m no Mushy Cupcake though.  Picture… ummm. You’ve got your choice of a) Half-nekkid rent-boy in ripped jean on a pool table because …. umm, it’s hot? b) the cute c) penis cupcakes. Damn, I’m craving cake.

Ty – Through sheer force of will, I was able to continue my BC&RL2 regimen after my elimination and, indeed, to this day.  As you may recall, that regimen consisted of doing absolutely nothing different.  As a result, I am proud to report that the contest DID NOT MAKE ME ONE OUNCE FATTER!!!  I will be happy to provide a (compensated) testimonial if BC&RL2 finally gives in to the demands of a desperate nation and makes an infomercial.

And now, without further ado … the results!  Who will win the Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser 2
Rudest Loser prize? The winner is…

JERE!

Congratulations, Jere!  Even though you’ve turned to a life of fast food and show tunes, you still managed to lose more than the rest of us.  You’re the Rudest Loser, and the 4th place winner, overall.  Congratulations!

And how did everyone else do?  Let’s find out …

Congratulations to everyone who participated in Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser 2 … but it’s finally over! And as one game show draws to a close, another begins. Stay tuned to Cocky & Rude because next Thursday, a brand new battle begins with … COCKY & RUDE FIGHT CLUB!

About these ads
Lose'n Weight , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

My Own Dharma Initiative

5 Comments Posted by on April 22, 2010

After my fantastic voyage down the road of the Master Cleanse, I decided to take another step toward spiritual enlightenment by learning about meditation.  My brain has been known to be so chock full of wacky that I figured it might be helpful to focus that energy on something.  I chose a beginners meditation course that is four weeks of two hour sessions  held at the NY Insight Society, which the US western version of Theravada Buddhism created by some hippies in the 1970s who felt that we Americans needed to embrace some of the Buddha’s teachings, but without that religious mumbo-jumbo.  As an avowed and practicing atheist who once went to Catholic mass just for a little bite to eat and a taste of wine, I am very happy to embrace the philosophy without the religiousness.

After my slow boring day at work which was capped off by a surprise cake for Administrative Professionals Day (I am really glad that the office got my many thousand hints) and a joyous response to the flag burning at the NYC LGBT Community Center, I made my way to my first meditation class, which is being taught by a woman named Devirose.  Frankly, I was concerned that I would not be able to take a woman with such a name seriously, but I figured all these spiritually in touch people had names like that.  I also prepared myself for the possibility that by the end of the evening I would want to call myself Moonsong.  Granted that was an outside possibility, but one that was in consideration for about 3 milliseconds.  Upon arriving at the class location I was disturbed to find that I was required to remove my shoes before entering the classroom.  Naturally I would have worn socks that did not have a gaping hole in the heal if I had known that I was to remove my shoes in front of others.  When a woman showed up wearing clown pants, I knew that my socks would not result in the most scorn.

It might seem to others that learning to meditate is quite easy, but trying to focus on your breathing for 30 minutes while sitting in the same position WITHOUT falling asleep is kinda difficult.  The center itself was not helping with the staying awake.  It was warm and cozy in that room just like mama’s womb.  I’m sure there is some reason they keep it that temperature, but it was a miracle I didn’t accidentally catch some Zs.  I am quite sure the Buddha did not condone snoring and drooling during meditation, but maybe that’s next week’s lesson.

All in all I think I actually enjoyed it.  I learned to be more mindful and concerted for at least two hours.  And the instructor was actually very informative and helpful despite her obvious onomastic issues.  As is customary she gave us a dharma lesson at the end of our session.  She talked to us about generosity and how we should treat all the people around us like actual human beings.  It was nice to hear.  I even thought about it as the nice Fedex man was trying to run me over and yelling “faggot” out the window of his truck.

Adventures in Real Life, Things Inside Mikey's Head , , , ,

Master Cleanse – Day 4

4 Comments Posted by on April 17, 2010

Well folks, Day four started out like the past three.  I got up feeling relatively refreshed and alert from a nice long night of deep sleep.  On my way to work, I picked up a hefty bag of lemons to replenish my stock.  At that point I only had two lemons left and that would only get me halfway through the day.  But they were not meant to be used.

By noon, after two of my doses of miracle elixir, my eyes felt sunken, my head was aching, and I had the attention span of a fruit fly.  I was finding it difficult to focus and accomplish some of the simplest of tasks.  Two of my coworkers who had been following my cleanse told me the bad news: my brain was suffering due to lack of nutrients and I wasn’t going to get more alert or active until I ate something real.

That was it.  I broke down and decided that I had to get some real food for a change.  But what exactly do you eat after not consuming any solid food for almost four days?  I decided on a small green salad with a bit of blue cheese and low fat balsamic vinaigrette.  No need to tempt fate with the large one at all or even the burrito I really wanted to get.  The picture above is one taken of that very salad.

I felt no guilt about not making my goal of 7 days.  I had set out to purify my body in preparation for a healthier more balanced diet.  I think I accomplished that.  I also realized after finishing that small salad that my stomach had shrunk a bit.  I felt completely full after that itty bitty salad, while a week before I would have had to run to the drug store for some more junk. I know that eating smaller portions will bring shame on my family of over-eaters, but it is a risk we all must take.

I also know that I have the will to control what I am eating.  The Master Cleanse is not a great lifestyle choice and I wouldn’t advocate it to anyone, but it did help me to accept the fact that I don’t have to have that afternoon carb fest to deal with the stress.  I’m not going to be going on a Master Cleanse again anytime soon.  If anything, I might go for the Green Smoothie Cleanse.  I’m sure if I do, Adam will request I blog about it.  Lets hope I don’t turn into a brain dead zombie on that one.

Lose'n Weight , , ,

Master Cleanse – Day 3

4 Comments Posted by on April 16, 2010

Day three of the cleanse has come and gone.  It was much like day two, except I skipped the nasty salt water flush.  I think I’m better for it.  The main thing I have to report from yesterday was how tired I felt.  The hunger pangs are under control, but in the mid to late afternoon I was dragging ass all over my office. I also my brain was super slow and rather quacky.  I was singing along to my music at work like a wannabe American Idol star at karaoke.  I’m sure my coworkers were entertained by my antics.

I also ran out of maple syrup midday on Day 3.  I had stocked up on maple syrup, but left it at home.  AND the trusty bottle I was traveling with ran dry after my second drink, so I was forced to purchase more at the local grocery store.  Boo….especially since it was a lot more expensive near my office than near my apt.  Gotta love it!

Also, I deconstructed the damn bed I mentioned in yesterday’s update which was a lot easier than constructing it.  When I finished it became clear that the best thing to do was collapse and fall deftly into sleep.  I must say that the best thing that is happening as a result of my cleanse is my sleep.  I have been sleeping so much more soundly and restfully than I do when I am eating lots of crap.  As someone who has suffered from insomnia since about the age of 14, its quite refreshing.  Accompanying my Master Cleanse induced comas are the most vivid dreams I have had in ages.  Not a one is a nightmare too!

So…Master cleanse I praise you for giving me the lack of energy to fall asleep and stay that way for long periods of time.

Lose'n Weight , ,

The Friday Five!

9 Comments Posted by on April 16, 2010

Welcome to the Friday Five, where I examine my five favorites of the week!

This week marked the return of all of our favorite show, Glee!  The episode opened us up to a new chapter of the show, which will presumably culminate in a showdown between Vocal Adrenaline and New Directions.  The episode was decent, but what was really hot this week, was Sue Sylvester’s stunning Vogue performance in the a sneak preview of the April 20th “Madonna Episode” of Glee.  I can’t wait!

A day after Glee said “Hello,” another of my favorite shows, Ugly Betty, said “Goodbye.”  Since Enrico will murder if I spoil anything that happened, let’s just say that I was happy with the series finale.  It’s not often that a series finale episode leaves you happy, but I felt good about the way that Ugly Betty ended.  That said, I’ll forever miss my Ugly Betty family! *tears*

Something else I’ve been missing lately is diet soda!  I gave up drinking soda about a year and a half ago (the same time I swapped vegetarianism for veganism).  After two weeks of splitting caffeine-withdrawal headaches, I finally broke the habit.  But after 18 months, I’m off the wagon, and I’m loving it!  Over the past few weeks, I’ve been drinking diet soda by the gallon, and I just can’t get enough!  I know that I’ll give it up again sometime soon … but until then, pass me the Diet Wild Cherry Pepsi.  Now!

And while diet soda is awesome, it doesn’t even place on the The Most Awesomest Thing Ever list.  The site is a new, time-sucking website which pits random “awesome” things against each other.  Where else can Al Gore face off against The Cold War, Lance Bass go head-to-head with a Casserole, and Arm Pit Hair go up against Clam Chowder?  It’s silly, it’s fun, and it’s addictive!  Topping their list of awesome (as of post time) are: The Internet, A Nap, Technology, Life, and a Real Lightsaber.

Our last awesome thing for the week is EATING.  This favorite is mainly a poke at Mikey, who has completed his third food-less day of cleansing.  I personally love eating, mainly because … food tastes good!  Breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks and treats are all great!  So as you enjoy stuffing your food-hole with delicious morsels, just think of poor Mikey pooping out the green Twizzler that he ate a few days ago, as he flushes his body out with lemon, water, salt, maple syrup and cayenne pepper.  That boy’s gotta be shitting rainbows at this point.  Eww, gross!

So that’s it!  Sue, Betty, Soda, Awesome and Food are my five favorites of the week … what are yours?

Friday Five , , , , , , , , , , ,

Master Cleanse – Day 2

5 Comments Posted by on April 15, 2010

I felt pretty good on my second day of the regimen.  My hunger was less than it was the day before and I got more adept at mixing the beverage that I’m becoming intimately involved with.  The only thing I noticed differently about myself was feeling a bit slower mentally than normal.  There were a few points in the day when a joke was made and it just whizzed right by me.

Despite my misgivings from the previous night’s Salt Water Flush, I decided to give it another go.  I had read on some sites that the first night usually didn’t work well for most people, but the second night was better.  So … I figured what the hell.  As I was mixing the salt with the water my door buzzer went off. And to my surprise all of the crap I ordered for my new apartment had arrived.  I lugged all eight boxes back to my room to organize and move on.  I grabbed my mixture and set to work on the four boxes that contained my bed frame. When the websites said that the second night was a better night, I bet they did not spend it bending, crouching, lifting, screwing, and hammering a bed together.  I would not recommend this as an activity to anyone doing this particular part of the regimen.  I probably wouldn’t recommend the Salt Water Flush to anyone doing the cleanse either.  I get the idea behind it (it cleans out all the crap that is stuck in your insides…and after seeing the piece of licorice I ate last Friday come out…I think they have a point), but I honestly think there are less nausea-inducing ways of doing this.  Also, intentionally giving yourself the squirts is not my idea of detoxification.

After five hours of hard work and chasing errant screws all over my floor, I finally had my bed together and my bowels in shape.  I picked up my mattress and put it onto the frame.  What do you think happened next?  Well, I almost had a nervous breakdown when I realized that they had sent me a frame for a full-size bed and my queen mattress looked so screwy on top of it.  Maybe if I had consumed more than lemon juice, maple syrup, water, and cayenne pepper for the past two days, I might have realized sooner, but who knows.  I now have my mattress safely on the floor and the full size frame standing on its end waiting for me to dismantle it and return it.

Lose'n Weight , , , , ,

Master Cleanse – Day 1

5 Comments Posted by on April 14, 2010

As promised,  here is a report on my first day of the Master Cleanse which I introduced you all to yesterday.

I’m hungry. But not as hungry as I was expecting.  When I get a hunger pang, I just juice a lemon, add the syrup, cayenne and water and my hunger just goes away for about three hours.  It is actually quite disturbing.  What I can say about the main drink concoction itself is that it doesn’t taste bad.  Not at all.  It mainly tastes like slightly less sweetened lemonade with a bit of heat.  Except when you get a big chunk of cayenne and your lips burst into flames.

I did start to space out and get a bit loopy in the late afternoon, but I was at work soooo that’s about normal.

The part of the regimen that is really unpleasant is the salt water flush.  As a gay man, I’ve tasted my share of salty things, but nothing compares to a liter of salt water that you chug.  The last gulp is the worst because you actually taste the salt.  Then when the water decides to makes its way out…its not pretty.  I may choose not to do this part again.  Some information I’ve read suggests that you can replace it with other more pleasant ways of cleaning out your digestive tract.

Check back tomorrow for more exciting news about my cleanse!  I know you are all waiting impatiently!

Lose'n Weight , , , ,

← Older posts

%d bloggers like this: