Now that 2011 is drawing to a close, it’s time to make resolutions for 2012! Now, I could make my usual resolutions – lose weight, exercise, finish that novel, go back to school… but why bother. Word is it’s the end of days! So I’m going to live large and make this year count. Here are my 2012 resolutions:
January – I’m going to Disney World!
February – I’m going to eat VATS of mashed potatoes and gravy.
March – I resolve to stay in bed, read books, watch DVDs and eat tons of junk food.
April – I’ve always wanted to drive across country, and this is the year I’m going to do it.
I’ll make sure to see all my bloggy friends in between trips to see the largest ball of twine,
carhenge and big holes in the ground.
May – I’m going to hang out in the sewers with Britney and keep on dancing til the world ends.
June – On second thought, who wants to hang out in a stinky sewer? Ever since watching
The Love Boat, I’ve always wanted to go on a cruise. I plan to eat, drink, read,
lay out at the pool, and eat and drink some more.
July – I resolve to island hop, enjoy tropical drinks and work on my skin cancer.
August – La Tomatina! Buñol, Spain has a huge tomato fight every year. I am totally there.
September – I’m going to hang out in Santorini, Greece. Soaking up the sun and eating.
But now that I think about it, I have no idea how the world is going to end. Maybe it won’t
be complete devastation from a pandemic, solar flares, a black hole or asteroid collision.
Maybe it will be a robot uprising, the rapture, or even worse – Zombies!
Maybe I better rethink my resolutions in case I’m stuck on this miserable,
god forsaken, zombie-ridden planet.
October – I better get in fighting shape, so I resolve to lose weight and exercise. sigh.
November – Since I’ll be stockpiling weapons, I better learn how to use them.
December – Several trips to Costco will be in order so I can fill up my hidden
bunker by the lake in the mountains. Bring it on zombies.
So there you have it. My 2012 resolutions. What are your resolutions?
Are you ready for the zombie apocalypse? Let me know in the comments!
Welcome to Cocky & Rude Fight Club! The rules to the game are simple. Each week we’ll introduce our fighters. We’ll do the leg work and help you analyze their strengths and weaknesses. Then we’ll put the results to vote. You’ll pick which combatant will decimate their opponent in the knock-down, drag-out brawl of Cocky & Rude Fight Club! Let’s meet this week’s fighters…
Full Name: Stephen William Hawking Date of Birth: 8 January 1942 (age 69) Place of Birth: Oxford, England Hair Color: Brown & Gray Current Residence: England Relationship Status: Jane Hawking (m. 1965–1991, divorced), Elaine Mason (m. 1995–2006, divorced) Occupation: theoretical physicist and cosmologist Hobbies: science Favorite Song: this Awards: Wolf Prize (1988), Prince of Asturias Award (1989), Copley Medal (2006), Presidential Medal of Freedom (2009) Fields of study: Applied mathematics, Theoretical physics, Cosmology Alma Mater: University of Oxford, University of Cambridge Known for: Black holes, Theoretical cosmology, Quantum gravity, Hawking radiation Favorite method of transportation: motorized wheelchair
Stephen William Hawking, CH, CBE, FRS, FRSA (born 8 January 1942)is an English theoretical physicist and cosmologist, whose scientific books and public appearances have made him an academic celebrity. He is an Honorary Fellow of the Royal Society of Arts, a lifetime member of the Pontifical Academy of Sciences,and in 2009 was awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom, the highest civilian award in the United States. Hawking’s key scientific works to date have included providing, with Roger Penrose, theorems regarding gravitational singularities in the framework of general relativity, and the theoretical prediction that black holes should emit radiation, which is today known as Hawking radiation (or sometimes as Bekenstein–Hawking radiation). Hawking has a motor neurone disease that is related to amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, a condition that has progressed over the years and has left him almost completely paralyzed. While Hawking may be severely physically handicapped, he possesses a number of very powerful secret weapons. His motorized wheelchair is armed with highly advanced weaponry, his brain is nearly 1000 times more intelligent than the average human being, and he can tear apart the universe with a single (robot-voiced) word.
AKA / Alias / Nicknames: Tyrone, Tycoon, Ty Cobb, Diana Prince (shhh!) Date of Birth: Sunday, March 5. I am between 30 and 40 years old. You can now figure out my birth year. Place of Birth: 26.725N by 80.052W Hair Color: Umm… Current Residence: Our apartment Relationship Status:stomach-churningly Desperately in love with Mikey Occupation: Telling a federal judge what to do. Height & Weight: 0.93 Craigs tall/weight appropriate for 1.05 Craigs tall Hobbies: Finding the Higgs boson before the competition, understanding and correctly using bathos, tickling Mikey Favorite Song: Anything and everything by They Might Be Giants. Except Istanbul (Not Constantinople). SOOOO overplayed. Awards: Best Picture of an Airplane (1st grade), Honor Camper — Boy (3rd grade), National Merit Scholar (12th grade), $25,405 (33rd grade) Fields of study: Sally, W.C., Mrs. Alma Mater: University of Virginia Known for: Southern gentility, parodic names based on “Vagina” Favorite method of transportation: Invisible jet (shhh!) Claim to Fame: Knowing lots of stuff Favorite curse word: Buggar!
At first, Ty did not understand our request for a “bio”: “I am a carbon-based, endothermic life form of the binomial classification Homo sapiens. I have high left-right symmetry and a large brain-body rati….Oh, ‘bio’ as in ‘biography’…” He then provided C&R with this information: “I was born at the time and place set forth above. More recently, Mikey moved in with me. I can’t tell you about any of the stuff in between because of a sacred oath I swore to Zeus before leaving Paradise Island for Man’s World. (Shhh!)” The former Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser 2 contestant and incredibly intelligentJeopardy! champion’s secret weapons include: “Withering sarcasm, subtle condescension, golden lasso (shhh!)”
Who will win in the battle of BRAIN vs. BRAIN? Will Stephen Hawking destroy Ty by tearing the entire universe apart? Or will Ty wither Hawking with his sarcasm and condescension and then shove his motorized wheelchair off a cliff? There’s only one rational way to decide which fighter will win this battle. We’re putting this no-holds-barred fight to a vote. The poll will be open for approximately 24 hours, and you may vote as many times as you want. That’s right — we’re not blocking repeat votes, so vote now and vote often for your favorite Cocky & Rude Fight Club opponent.
Check back on Sunday for the results!
Thanks to Ty & Michelle M. for your assistance with this post!
Do you know what we have not done in a really long time? Not once this year? A Friday Five. There hasn’t been a single noteworthy damn thing that has happened all year. Ok. So maybe some interesting things have happened, but we haven’t found five of them in one week in forever. This week we have a few whoppers for you. Just what has been so great lately? check it out.
Charlie Sheen enters the battle of the insane ranters (by Mikey)
Unless you live under a rock, you probably heard about Charlie Sheen’s latest trip down the road to River Phoenix’s place. This week has been a whirlwind of outbursts about tiger blood and “winning” from the serial womanizer and woman abuser, yet Oliver Noble at FilmDrunk.com took it to the super awesome hilarious level. His mash up of the rants of fellow women abusers Gibson, Sheen and Baldwin with an assist from Christian Bale is classic. Check it out.
The Crazy Nastyass Honey Badger (by Mikey)
Our friend Mel posted this hilarious inventive nature video with additional narration by Randall. Apparently the Honey Badger is either the most fearless animal in the world or the stupidest thing alive. When you combine that with Randall’s lispy, effete commentary you get magic. Sit back, relax and ride the Honey Badger.
Paula Deen Rides Things (by Mikey)
I love watching Paula Deen put butter on lard to make a cheese soup. If I ate the way she cooks, I would have arteries the same hardness as granite. Her enthusiasm for food is infectious. And this website, which Tam posted on facebook, captures that pandemic and puts it right out there on top of whatever she can sit her lard replete ass on. Favorites include: Paula on Falcor from The Neverending Story, Paula on a grey cat, and Paula on Pee Wee Herman. I hope you are able to catch your breath after that.
Cats that Look like Ron Swanson (by Mikey)
If you don’t watch Parks and Recreation, this tumblr blog will make you a fan. Nick Offerman’s portrayal of Ron Swanson on that show is quite possibly my favorite thing about it and his signature scowly stare is the stuff of legend. Check out these adorable fuzzy friends who will make you tune into NBC each week to see who Ron stares down next.
AMERICAN IDOL (by Adam)
I admit it. I’m watching Idol and I can’t stop. Does it belong on the Friday Five?! Probably not! And quite frankly, I hate almost everyone on the show. The judges? They’re awful. Most of the contestants? Awful too! But for some reason I’m addicted to American Idol like it’s meth. I even missed an episode last week and feverishly seeked it out online so I could watch it. And I can gaurantee that I’ll watch it all the way until the end! I can’t stop! In the word of Charlie Sheen: “I’m on a drug. It’s called…” American Idol!!!
So there you have ‘em, folks: Charlie Sheen vs Other Ranters, the infamous Honey Badger, Paula Deen on just about anything, Cats that look like Ron Swanson, and American Idol for some reason. What is on your list of amazing awesome things? Tell us in the comments so we can sleep peacefully this weekend.