There’s only one way to celebrate Tam’s birthday properly… with another round of Cocky & Rude Fight Club!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TAM!!!
Welcome to Cocky & Rude Fight Club! The rules to the game are simple. Each week we’ll introduce our fighters. We’ll do the leg work and help you analyze their strengths and weaknesses. Then we’ll put the results to vote. You’ll pick which combatant will decimate their opponent in the knock-down, drag-out brawl of Cocky & Rude Fight Club! Let’s meet this week’s fighters…
PAULA DEENAlias: Paula Ann Hiers
Date of Birth: January 19, 1947
Place of Birth: Albany, Georgia
Residence: Wilmington Island, Savannah, Georgia
Relationship Status: Married to Michael Anthony Groover; Mother of Jamie and Bobby Deen
Regional Accent: Southern
Favorite Foods: Butter, Butter & Butter.
Occupation: American cook, restaurateur, author, actress and Emmy Award-winning television personality
Height & Weight: 5 ft 5 in, 160 lb (source)
With multiple television shows, countless cookbooks, a bi-monthly magazine, an ever-expanding product line and several Southern-style restaurants, Paula Deen is always on the move. Her southern comfort foods often appear both delicious and dangerously unhealthy. Deen’s arsenal includes a never-ending supply of butter and cheese, a large stock of chicken stock, a storehouse full of tastefully colored pots and pans, wooden spoons, rubber spatulas and a few stoneware casserole dishes.
TAMAlias: The Wicked Witch of the North
Date of Birth: May 5
Place of Birth: Manitoba, Canada
Residence: Ottawa, Canada
Relationship Status: Single - thank god; Mother of “The Kid”
Regional Accent: None, Canadians don’t have accents
Favorite Foods: Poutine, anything with maple syrup on it, Canadian bacon, and Smarties (the Canadian type)
Hated Foods: Anything white and creamy (except Brie)
Occupation: Government slave
Height & Weight: Short & less than an average size bull moose
A blogging, reading, reviewing and tweeting powerhouse, Tam is a beloved Internet friend to many. She’s also a Canadian, which means that by default, she’s extremely nice, enjoys hockey, maple syrup, curling, ends most sentences with ‘eh?’ and rides a dog sled everywhere she goes. Tam’s arsenal includes a troop of hot, nearly naked men (from the pages of her M/M novels), a tube of foul-tasting Vegemite, and an army of sidewalk worms that will squirm at nothing to complete her every command.
Who will win in the battle of (far) North vs. South? Will Paula Deen defeat Tam with her powers of butter and cheese? Or will Tam smother Paula Deen in maple syrup and then let her worms and sled dogs finish her off? We’re putting this no-holds-barred fight to a vote. The poll will be open for approximately 24 hours, and you may vote as many times as you want. That’s right — we’re not blocking repeat votes, so vote now and vote often for your favorite Cocky & Rude Fight Club opponent.
Will this battle end with an “Eh?” or a “Ya’ll?” Find out Sunday at Noon!
Thanks to Tam & Michelle M. for your assistance with this post!
Day three of the cleanse has come and gone. It was much like day two, except I skipped the nasty salt water flush. I think I’m better for it. The main thing I have to report from yesterday was how tired I felt. The hunger pangs are under control, but in the mid to late afternoon I was dragging ass all over my office. I also my brain was super slow and rather quacky. I was singing along to my music at work like a wannabe American Idol star at karaoke. I’m sure my coworkers were entertained by my antics.
I also ran out of maple syrup midday on Day 3. I had stocked up on maple syrup, but left it at home. AND the trusty bottle I was traveling with ran dry after my second drink, so I was forced to purchase more at the local grocery store. Boo….especially since it was a lot more expensive near my office than near my apt. Gotta love it!
Also, I deconstructed the damn bed I mentioned in yesterday’s update which was a lot easier than constructing it. When I finished it became clear that the best thing to do was collapse and fall deftly into sleep. I must say that the best thing that is happening as a result of my cleanse is my sleep. I have been sleeping so much more soundly and restfully than I do when I am eating lots of crap. As someone who has suffered from insomnia since about the age of 14, its quite refreshing. Accompanying my Master Cleanse induced comas are the most vivid dreams I have had in ages. Not a one is a nightmare too!
So…Master cleanse I praise you for giving me the lack of energy to fall asleep and stay that way for long periods of time.
Welcome to the Friday Five, where I examine my five favorites of the week!
This week marked the return of all of our favorite show, Glee! The episode opened us up to a new chapter of the show, which will presumably culminate in a showdown between Vocal Adrenaline and New Directions. The episode was decent, but what was really hot this week, was Sue Sylvester’s stunning Vogue performance in the a sneak preview of the April 20th “Madonna Episode” of Glee. I can’t wait!
A day after Glee said “Hello,” another of my favorite shows, Ugly Betty, said “Goodbye.” Since Enrico will murder if I spoil anything that happened, let’s just say that I was happy with the series finale. It’s not often that a series finale episode leaves you happy, but I felt good about the way that Ugly Betty ended. That said, I’ll forever miss my Ugly Betty family! *tears*
Something else I’ve been missing lately is diet soda! I gave up drinking soda about a year and a half ago (the same time I swapped vegetarianism for veganism). After two weeks of splitting caffeine-withdrawal headaches, I finally broke the habit. But after 18 months, I’m off the wagon, and I’m loving it! Over the past few weeks, I’ve been drinking diet soda by the gallon, and I just can’t get enough! I know that I’ll give it up again sometime soon … but until then, pass me the Diet Wild Cherry Pepsi. Now!
And while diet soda is awesome, it doesn’t even place on the The Most Awesomest Thing Ever list. The site is a new, time-sucking website which pits random “awesome” things against each other. Where else can Al Gore face off against The Cold War, Lance Bass go head-to-head with a Casserole, and Arm Pit Hair go up against Clam Chowder? It’s silly, it’s fun, and it’s addictive! Topping their list of awesome (as of post time) are: The Internet, A Nap, Technology, Life, and a Real Lightsaber.
Our last awesome thing for the week is EATING. This favorite is mainly a poke at Mikey, who has completed his third food-less day of cleansing. I personally love eating, mainly because … food tastes good! Breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks and treats are all great! So as you enjoy stuffing your food-hole with delicious morsels, just think of poor Mikey pooping out the green Twizzler that he ate a few days ago, as he flushes his body out with lemon, water, salt, maple syrup and cayenne pepper. That boy’s gotta be shitting rainbows at this point. Eww, gross!
So that’s it! Sue, Betty, Soda, Awesome and Food are my five favorites of the week … what are yours?
I felt pretty good on my second day of the regimen. My hunger was less than it was the day before and I got more adept at mixing the beverage that I’m becoming intimately involved with. The only thing I noticed differently about myself was feeling a bit slower mentally than normal. There were a few points in the day when a joke was made and it just whizzed right by me.
Despite my misgivings from the previous night’s Salt Water Flush, I decided to give it another go. I had read on some sites that the first night usually didn’t work well for most people, but the second night was better. So … I figured what the hell. As I was mixing the salt with the water my door buzzer went off. And to my surprise all of the crap I ordered for my new apartment had arrived. I lugged all eight boxes back to my room to organize and move on. I grabbed my mixture and set to work on the four boxes that contained my bed frame. When the websites said that the second night was a better night, I bet they did not spend it bending, crouching, lifting, screwing, and hammering a bed together. I would not recommend this as an activity to anyone doing this particular part of the regimen. I probably wouldn’t recommend the Salt Water Flush to anyone doing the cleanse either. I get the idea behind it (it cleans out all the crap that is stuck in your insides…and after seeing the piece of licorice I ate last Friday come out…I think they have a point), but I honestly think there are less nausea-inducing ways of doing this. Also, intentionally giving yourself the squirts is not my idea of detoxification.
After five hours of hard work and chasing errant screws all over my floor, I finally had my bed together and my bowels in shape. I picked up my mattress and put it onto the frame. What do you think happened next? Well, I almost had a nervous breakdown when I realized that they had sent me a frame for a full-size bed and my queen mattress looked so screwy on top of it. Maybe if I had consumed more than lemon juice, maple syrup, water, and cayenne pepper for the past two days, I might have realized sooner, but who knows. I now have my mattress safely on the floor and the full size frame standing on its end waiting for me to dismantle it and return it.
As promised, here is a report on my first day of the Master Cleanse which I introduced you all to yesterday.
I’m hungry. But not as hungry as I was expecting. When I get a hunger pang, I just juice a lemon, add the syrup, cayenne and water and my hunger just goes away for about three hours. It is actually quite disturbing. What I can say about the main drink concoction itself is that it doesn’t taste bad. Not at all. It mainly tastes like slightly less sweetened lemonade with a bit of heat. Except when you get a big chunk of cayenne and your lips burst into flames.
I did start to space out and get a bit loopy in the late afternoon, but I was at work soooo that’s about normal.
The part of the regimen that is really unpleasant is the salt water flush. As a gay man, I’ve tasted my share of salty things, but nothing compares to a liter of salt water that you chug. The last gulp is the worst because you actually taste the salt. Then when the water decides to makes its way out…its not pretty. I may choose not to do this part again. Some information I’ve read suggests that you can replace it with other more pleasant ways of cleaning out your digestive tract.
Check back tomorrow for more exciting news about my cleanse! I know you are all waiting impatiently!
So I mentioned to Adam that I was going to start the Master Cleanse tomorrow and he insisted that I blog about it. For those of you who are unaware of the Master Cleanse, it is a mind and body detoxification program created in the 1940s by an alternative medicine practitioner named Stanley Burroughs. Burroughs was convicted of felony murder by a jury in California after one of his patients died as a result of his unlicensed medical practices. All legal issues aside, I’ve read some interesting things about the cleanse, which essentially consists of fresh lemon juice, maple syrup, cayenne pepper and water. Sounds tasty right?!?!
Now like most of you out there I was grossly concerned when I met someone on the Master Cleanse. This w
as back in 2008. It seemed like a grotesque and unappealing diet, but my mind has changed a bit. I’m trying to move toward a more healthy lifestyle in general wherein I’m monitoring the types of food I consume more closely. So the idea of using this diet to flush out toxins and clean out my system of all the things on Adam’s sausage chart seemed appealing. Also apparently Beyoncé did it and I’ll be damned if that bitch thinks she’s better than me.
To be honest, I’m a bit terrified. I’ve never done anything like this before and I have no idea how long I can make it. One crazy website said that people have done it for up to 45 days, which sounds like a trip to Karen Carpenter-ville to me. I think I’ll stick to a more sane goal of seven days. That’s one week of nothing but lemon juice, maple syrup, cayenne and water. Oh and did I mention the daily salt water flush!!! I’m sure you’ll be excited to know that I’m supposed to ritually consume a large quantity of salt water in an effort to thoroughly wash my digestive tract.
So how long do you think I will really last on this thing? Let me know what you think of my plan…and don’t worry I’ll be updating you on it daily on the blog. That is unless I pass out or die or something.
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Commenter Cocktails!
Tomorrow is National Martini Day! Because the “M.” in Michelle M. sometimes stands for Mixologist, I created the following cocktails in honor of my favorite bloggers/commenters. Please drink responsibly.
The C&Rmy – Coke and rum and a splash of Berenger’s zinfandel. Garnish with cheeseball.
For Craig: The Dancing Monkey – Curacao, banana rum, pineapple vodka and cream of coconut.
For Mush: The Goblin Box – Green Goblin apple cider and boxed wine.
For Tam: The TaM/Mtini – Red vodka, Meyer’s Lemon mix and Maple syrup.
For The Kid: It’s not my job to corrupt the kid (that’s all on Adam). So it’s juice for her.
But she can put it in a Solo cup if that helps her cred.
For Nathan: The Nathan – Canadian whiskey and Kool – Aid.
For newlywed Talita: The Glamourgirlie – Pink vodka, Nuvo sparkling liqueur,
Chambord and pink sugar for the rim.
For john: The Boozy Bunny – Orange tequila, triple sec and carrot juice.
For Paul: The Swirl – Bailey’s Irish Cream, Kahlua, Chambord, raspberry
and chocolate syrup and whipped cream.
For Chris D.: The Enforcer – Irish whiskey, coffee, donut vodka.
For Enrico: The Hotel Tuesday – Pineapple juice, tears and a maraschino cherry.
For josh: The Trashytini – Citrus vodka, orange and lemon-lime Flavor Ice.
For Ryan: The Skinny Cupcake – Skinny boy margarita and water.
For fdot: The Green Squirrel – Frangelico hazelnut liqueur, peanut vodka,
Nocello walnut liqueur, pistachio liqueur.
For Ty: The Ty One On – This potent potable contains Bulldog Strong Ale,
Bulldog gin and Bulldog rootbeer.
For Mr. Sombrero: The Sexy Sombrero – Sombrero tequila and ginger ale.
Because he has to deal with Adam, I recommend multiple shots.
For TwoPi: The TwoPi – 3.14 oz. Vanilla vodka, 3.14 oz. Apple beer and a splash
of pumpkin spice liqueur. Top off with Cool Whip.
For Jere: The Blind Mascots – Iguana beer, Flying Dog pale ale, Moosehead lager
and a splash of champagne to celebrate graduation from law school.
For Polt: The Purple Passion – Kurant vodka, curacao, grenadine and passion fruit liqueur.
For David P.: The Someone in a Martreeni – Acai vodka, wheat grass and spinach.
For Justin: The Asterisk – Dark Chocolate liqueur, maple liqueur and and an *endlessly* flowing keg of beer.
For Vuboq: The Vuboq – V is for vodka (pear), U is for umbrella, B is for bitters,
O is for Orangecello and Q is for quince liqueur.
Fat Betty: The Blambablam – Whipped cream vodka, caramel vodka, chocolate liqueur,
white chocolate liqueur, cappuccino liqueur, vanilla ice cream, chocolate shavings
and Reddi Whip (to top off drink or to spray directly into mouth).
For Dr. Para: The Dr. Para – Pour all drinks above in a Big Gulp cup, toss in some gummy bears and enjoy!
*Cooper’s cocktail will be featured on Cooper’s Corner Tuesday.
So how will you celebrate National Martini Day? What’s your alcoholic beverage of choice? How does it feel to have a beverage named after you? Did I forget anyone? Let me know in comments!
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