So far we know that Mush has claimed Biggest Cock and FDot is your Fan Favorite of Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser 2. But who will claim the final prize: Rudest Loser? This year we’re awarding Rudest Loser to the eliminated contestant that has lost the most weight. What have our eliminated contestants been up to? And who will win the prize? Let’s find out…
Adam – Since being eliminated, I decided that I had no excuse but to eat everything in sight. Thus I started making frequent trips to the grocery store just to restock my junk food snacks and candy stash. But as of a week ago, I’ve gotten back on track. I’ve been logging all of my food into FitDay and sticking to a strict <1300 calorie a day diet. Let’s check back in a month (or 2) so I can win a prize too??
Craig – To be honest, I didn’t work too hard on trying to be the Rudest Loser. But I did my best to maintain the healthy habits I started using during the contests like not eating after 9, and no alcohol during the week, and in the end, I’m happy with the results.
FDot – At first, after being eliminated, I went on a Hershey Symphony Chocolate Bar binge. Upon winning fan favorite, I’ve rededicated myself to losing some weight. However, it has proven difficult to forgo many of the foods I’ve previously enjoyed on a whenever I wanted them basis. I’ve found myself being reduced to skulking around and huffing fumes from used McDonald’s bags in vain attempts to trick my mind into believing my body has enjoyed a non-nutritious meal. I believe this will end with either my willpower winning out as I learn to enjoy celery as a snack or being found behind a dumpster licking the insides of McChicken containers. It’s 50-50 at this moment.
Harry – My final weight is down to 184 which was my target. I did it by running/jogging 3-4 days a week and playing hockey twice a week. I also tried to make my diet healthier by reducing my beer intake, eating more veggies and cutting down on sugary snacks. The diet part was successful except for the beer which I figured was OK because some website said I should be eating 3500 calories a day. If it’s on the internet, it must be true, so I kept drinking beer to make up for those eliminated sugar calories. Michelle helped me to maintain this healthier routine because she kept the fridge stocked with good food and inspired me to go to the lake for a run. In conclusion, Team Oink wins! Suck it.
Jere – I blame the most recent weight loss on a clogged shower drain. For almost a week now our bathtub drain has been stopped up. Two bottles of Draino later (“don’t use Draino on old pipes” yells our management company) and a futile attempt to snake the drain through a small hole in the irremovable metal grate about 3 inches below the opening of the drain, our management company has called a plumber. When I go home tonight I may have a) a working drain, b) a whole new drain/bathtub, c) a big hole in the floor where a bathtub used to be, or d) 6 inches of standing water that has become the early spring breeding grounds for a colony of mosquitoes. The point of this story being that I’ve had to shower at the gym for the last few days. And because I don’t like feeling like a hobo, I insist on doing some kind of workout before taking my shower. Anyway, what was this week’s blurb supposed to be about? Oh, since being eliminated, I have restricted my diet to fast food and things covered in chocolate, but I also sang a danced to a lot of show tunes on stage, which is why I still look like gay Star Wars villain Ziro the Hutt.
John – I have to admit, after I was excused from the competition, my resolve really waned. Without the discipline of Dr. Mel to guide me, I slipped back into some old habits. I wouldn’t eat cookies if they weren’t so yummy. While I haven’t put much weight on, I haven’t lost any. I am hoping to gain some inspiration from Michelle, Ryan and Paul, but so far all I want to say to the cabana boy is shut up and bring me some cheesecake.
Mel – Mel ignored all of our requests for his participation.
Michelle – My goal was to lose 10 pounds. My weight has been yo-yoing like crazy. PMS makes a contest like this difficult. I’ve lost 5 as of now. I started out great – exercising almost every other day (rollerblading and walks around the lake [5 miles]), drinking tea (yuck) and eating super healthy foods. Lots of vegetables and no treats. But after being kicked off (thanks Mikey and Adam!) I lost my incentive and started exercising maybe 3 times a week (and mostly just walking 3 miles). I also started to sneak in a cookie here, and a chip(s) there. Cupcakes (I think Sprinkles cupcakes are overrated, but I had to have two to be certain), ice cream and onion rings may have also been consumed. In all, I have learned that I pretty much have no will power, metabolism or hope of fitting into my jeans unless I step it up and renew my commitment to celery.
Mikey – Ugh….I feel no differently about my weight and health than I did before this contest began. Sure I want to lose weight, but honestly the losing is always so much harder when you do it by changing your diet and getting exercise. I much prefer to a) starve myself b) master cleanse (which is another way of saying starve) c) eat. So that is why I’m exactly the same size I was when this started ages ago in January.
Mr. Sombrero – After elimination, I was not at all inspired to continue loosing weight. I turned into overworked, big, fat… apple. There should be an award for losing the least weight. That way I could win something.
Nathan – Getting kicked off in the first round really hit Nathan hard emotionally. Having told his friends that there is simply nothing that is more embarrassing than being the first person eliminated in a reality show competition, he quickly hit rock bottom. After being discovered weeks later underneath a vast wasteland of empty pizza boxes and taco bell wrappers, his friends put him onto an episode of Intervention. After an emergency triple stomach stapling and life coaching from Richard Simmons, Nathan was able to get his pathetic shell of a life into a semblance of what it once was and his net weight back to where he started in the competition. He was still too lazy to send in a photo of himself though, but sent this picture of an overweight beaver as a rough approximation of his current proportions.
Polt – Since I’ve been eliminated, I almost got back to my starting weight. See, everything balances out in the end. Congrats to the winners and those who kept their weight off. For me, I’m just happy to not have gone back over my starting weight. The same in the end as the beginning…like a set of plump purple Poltastic bookends!
Tam – Well, public humiliation appears to be effective only as long as you are in the public eye. Once I got turfed and sent to the beach cabana with Nathan and the cabana boys Juan and Julio, I lasted about another 2.5 weeks of being good and then … eh. I didn’t gain any back though so I guess not that bad, but not great. Being called on the carpet for your habits definitely works. I’m no Mushy Cupcake though. Picture… ummm. You’ve got your choice of a) Half-nekkid rent-boy in ripped jean on a pool table because …. umm, it’s hot? b) the cute c) penis cupcakes. Damn, I’m craving cake.
Ty – Through sheer force of will, I was able to continue my BC&RL2 regimen after my elimination and, indeed, to this day. As you may recall, that regimen consisted of doing absolutely nothing different. As a result, I am proud to report that the contest DID NOT MAKE ME ONE OUNCE FATTER!!! I will be happy to provide a (compensated) testimonial if BC&RL2 finally gives in to the demands of a desperate nation and makes an infomercial.
And now, without further ado … the results! Who will win the Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser 2
Rudest Loser prize? The winner is…
JERE!
Congratulations, Jere! Even though you’ve turned to a life of fast food and show tunes, you still managed to lose more than the rest of us. You’re the Rudest Loser, and the 4th place winner, overall. Congratulations!
And how did everyone else do? Let’s find out …
Congratulations to everyone who participated in Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser 2 … but it’s finally over! And as one game show draws to a close, another begins. Stay tuned to Cocky & Rude because next Thursday, a brand new battle begins with … COCKY & RUDE FIGHT CLUB!
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FDot: Well, sometimes I feel like having a nut and sometimes I don’t. Luckily, Peter Paul’s Almond Joy’s got nuts and Peter Paul’s Mounds don’t. Almond Joy’s got real milk chocolate, coconut and munchy nuts too, while Mounds has deep, dark chocolate and chewy coconut, ooooo *shivers*. But alas, with the competition there is no chewy coconuts or nuts for that matter. I also miss greatly 100,000 Grand Bars, 3 Musketeers, Airheads, Baby Ruth Bars, Butterfingers, Caramellow Bars, Chuckles, Chunkys, Dots, Dove Bars, Swedish Fish, Fun Dip, Goobers, Good & Plenty, Junior Mints, Kit Kats, Krackle Bars, M&M’s, Mike & Ikes, Milk Duds, Milky Way Bars, Nerds, Nestle Crunch, Paydays, Raisinets, Reeses, Ring Pops, Rolos, Skittles, Snickers, Starbursts, Tootsie Rolls, Twix Bars, Twizzlers, Whatchamacallits, and York Peppermint Patties, because when I bite into one, I get the sensation of being in a fresh Spring day, romping through a meadow with a family of gazelles at my side.
Jere: I miss ice cream. I haven’t had any ice cream in months. I miss picking up a pint of Ben & Jerry’s on the way home and pretending like I had a boyfriend who broke up with me giving me an excuse to watch chick flicks and pig out.
Mush: After eight weeks on a regular calorie-restricting diet, I was going batshit. I was craving pizza and Mexican food and bread like you wouldn’t believe. My daily caloric intake skyrocketed from 1500 calories per day to 2300. I was craving food all the time. So I switched to a no-refined-carbs approach instead: no white flour, no white sugar, no white rice. Hunger problems are solved because my fat and protein intakes are up, and I’ve lost an inch off my waist and half an inch off my neck in the five days I’ve been doing it! (I’ve also gained three pounds, but historically that will be because The Curse™ is on its way.) I’m interested in seeing how this approach – which appears to regulate insulin and therefore adipose fat deposits – works. It’s certainly easier than merely counting calories, even though I find that my calorie intake stays down where I want it to with much less effort. Cheese and eggs and Caesar salads for everyone!
Paul: I have to say the one food that I truly miss is Ciao Bella Key Lime Graham Gelato. This stuff is better than sex, which is good because the F.U.P.A. building calorie count on this stuff will guarantee your wee-wee is in constant shadow. Of course, my grocery store has had this buy one get one free since January so when I get home from grocery shopping every week I stick pins in this voodoo doll and write my blurb.
Ryan: I miss being able to get fast food without spending fifteen minutes looking at online menus to figure out what on the menu, eating things in the cafeteria that aren’t easy to figure out what the ingredients are and how much, and being and to bake cookies for myself.
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