My friends, we’re nearing the finish line of Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser 2. This week we asked each of the four remaining contestants to describe how far they’ve come in the competition. We’ll also be celebrating our final four with terribly Photoshopped graphics that place them into four great quest films.  Here’s what the final four had to say:

FDot: Born in a small garret in Paris, I lost my parents at an early age due to a tragic Jello incident. Raised in an orphanage where my pleas for an extra helping of potato soup were met with the harsh lashings of uncooked spaghetti strands, I managed to escape and stowed away on a freighter bound for America. Holed up out of fear of being discovered, I befriended a family of ship rats who taught me their language and the ability to be discerning about what cheese I eat. Disembarking in New York City, I found my first job at a factory sewing women’s shirtwaists that paid me $2.00 a week. Luckily, I was able to save money since food was not a necessity as, once I learned the intricacies of the dialect, I could converse with the local rat population and score small orts of cheese off of them. Eventually I made my way north to the suburbs. Through a series of events too bizarre and numerous to mention, beyond the fact that they involved a box of Boo Berry cereal, a pogo stick, and an irritated wombat, I managed to become the semi-unemployed dieter that I am today. My main possession is a small sliver of wood from that garret of long ago, a reminder of happier times.

Mush: I’m eating about 2,100 calories a day now and not exercising any more than I ever have (which is very little beyond using my feet for transportation), and I’m still losing inches and pounds. This whole no-refined-carbs thing is pretty neato, although I do kinda feel like an asshole when I leave all the rice untouched at Mexican restaurants. I still have five pounds left to lose to meet my goal weight for this contest; I think it’s unlikely that I’ll accomplish it in the next week, but judging from my earlier results, well, one never knows. I did have a five-pound week once. Over all, I’m really pleased with myself and it’s nice to have a waist again. I’m also sick to death of putting every fucking thing I eat into a fucking calorie diary. And this is finals week and I don’t have time to be fucking around naked on the scale just to get this blurb written!

Paul: How far have I come? I will make the assumption that this will be a blurb about some type of measurement. Since this is BCRL 2 and not the Porn Olympics I will share the fact that since the beginning of this contest I have lost 3 inches off my waist. My famous pink shorts, which were snug in July and had no hope of buttoning in January are now very loose and can be removed with just a tug.

Ryan: I’m just going to say really far. So far that where I started had quasars (which are really far away). But only metaphorically. I am a perfect normal inferior human pig-smellies and not an alien bent on conquest.

And now, this week’s results:

And now for our FINAL elimination vote. Here’s how it works: just like American Idol, you vote for the team that you want to save. The team with the least votes will be eliminated.
Polls close around Noon (EST) on Saturday.

As we near the finish line, here’s what you can expect: Next week we’ll check in with the final three contestants, and vote on our Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser 2 Fan Favorite. The week after that, we’ll crown our winner. And finally, on April 7th, we’ll crown the eliminated player that has lost the most weight since the beginning of our contest. And after that? Let’s just say that the first rule of Cocky & Rude Fight Club is that you don’t talk about Cocky & Rude Fight Club. At least not until April 14th.

Don’t forget to vote, and feel free to discuss Adam’s awful Photoshopping job in the comments!