Guess what folks…It’s Friday, which means it is time for a Friday Five. You may be scratching your head and thinking “didn’t we already do this?” Well that was Michelle’s amazing Monday Five…and this is Mikey’s Fabulous Friday Five. It’s really not that complicated. What happened this week that was worth hitting the charts? Well just read on, dear friends.
First up is the most amazing news out of New Jersey since Bruce Springsteen and Bon Jovi: Snooki is having a baby! For those of you who do not know, Snooki is the chief sleazebag on Jersey Shore. She has heightened awareness of all things New Jersey and help break down all those nasty stereotypes about people from the state. And now…she’s reproducing. I’m anticipating something that looks like Godzilla.
Next we have news from the wonderful world of technology. As we become more and more reliant on our smartphones, they are going to have to get bigger and bigger. Some enterprising young minds are truly worried about this development. In fact, the boys over at Buzzfeed’s new tech site FWD created a chart to demonstrate exactly when the smartphone screen will be larger than the average male penis. Of course, those of you with a micropeen are already pushing your phones forward to make your penis look bigger (I am obviously referring to Adam here).
In more serious news, the American Foundation for Equal Rights broadcast their star studded production of Dustin Lance Black’s play 8 on youtube last week. It is an important play only because it shows the idiocy and bigotry of the anti-gay asswipes fighting to keep happy gay couples from getting married. Also, you should watch it to see how much Chris Colfer’s talents are wasted on “Glee.”
While we are discussing wasted talent, we should turn our attention to Lindsay Lohan. She hosted SNL last week and aside from the Disney Housewives sketch it was awful. Furthermore, why has a woman so young had so much work done on her perfectly beautiful face? Just because Michael Jackson is dead, doesn’t mean that anyone should try and top his plastic surgery record. Lohan is looking so ragged that Debbie Harry was mistaken for her the day after her visit to NYC. Ms. Harry looks great for her age, but she’s also forty odd years older than LiLo.
And finally, the coolest of them all. About a year ago, I wrote a blog rant about how easy it has become to solve Rubik’s Cubes due to guides on the internet. Well an artist named Pete Fecteau has found a way to make them relevant to me again, by making them into a mural of Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. His Dream Big project takes hundreds of the cubes and manipulates them so that they have the right colors in the perfect space to make a mural of the Dr. King. It’s moving and mesmerizing.
There you have them folks: Snooki’s offspring, the Peenpocalypse, 8, the unusual resurgence of Debbie Harry, and Rubik’s Cube art. Close runners-up were hardcore gay pornography, this freakishly early spring weather, and 30 Rock’s amazing brilliance. What is on your five today?
The Oscar Awards are right around the corner … and we’re excited! That’s why C&R is bringing you the 2nd Annual Cocky & Rude Oscar Contest. Simply cast your ballot and you’ll be entered to win this year’s prize: A Movie Watcher’s Prize Pack (valued at approx. $15!). The prize includes an assortment of seven movie theater-style candies, two packs of microwave popcorn and a brand new DVD of Lindsay Lohan in Walt Disney’s Herbie Fully Loaded! Tune in to watch the 84th Annual Academy Awards on February 26th, 2012.
THIS CONTEST CLOSED Thursday, February 23rd, 2012 at 11:59:59PM EST, LATE ENTRIES WILL NOT BE ACCEPTED.
Limit one entry per person and per IP address. If multiple entries are submitted, only your first will be counted. Contest entries must be submitted on or before Thursday, February 23rd, 2012 at 11:59:59PM EST. No late entries will be accepted. In the case of a tie, a single winner will be randomly selected by Adam. “Best Dressed” and “Worst Dressed” categories do not count towards or against your final score. Contest winners and all rankings will be announced at 12:01AM EST on Tuesday, February 28th, 2012. If there are any conflicts, Adam has the final determining say. Prize will be mailed to the winner within one week of announcement.
In the comments, tell us your favorite movie, actor, actress or director of the year, whether or not they were nominated. Good luck & thanks for playing!
As I mentioned yesterday, Craig missed Saturday’s Puntabugang C&R AAArrrrrrmy Party because he was suffering from a urinary tract infection. But just how did Craig manage to infect his penis with disgusting bacteria? Here’s 10 of my theories…
Tired of sporting the same tired do? Stuck in a follicular rut? When you look in the mirror do you see nothing but dreckitude? Well, just like Tyra on America’s Next Top Model, I’ve decided to give you all a makeover to unleash your fabulous inner yous. And like Ms. Banks, I won’t be satisfied until I make one (or all) of you cry. So enjoy your fierce new looks and don’t forget to SMIZE, bitches!
What better way to play up Adam’s fiery ginger locks than with a big, beautiful ‘fro? It’s a hard knock life, but with “The Annie,” Adam is sure to attract all the sugar daddies. Better watch out Mr. Sombrero!
Have you heard that Ty and Mikey moved in together? Cute roommates deserve cute haircuts. With “The Bert and Ernie”* everyone will know these two belong together. *These hairstyles have been brought to you by the letters, C and R.
I was going to give our monkey lord “The God,” but I already did that. Since Craig’s other claim to fame is the Puntabuschlong, I thought it was only fitting I give Craig “The Rod.” And unlike Mr. Stewart, Craig will never have to ask, “Do ya think I’m sexy?”
Bald is sexy (I always say). Patrick Stewart, Boris Kodjoe, Elmer Fudd, Ziggy – all are bodaciously bare. It would be criminal to cover up Jere’s glorious pate, so I just enhanced it with “The Charlie.” Good grief, he looks hot.
I believe that among us, M. Nico has produced the most spawn. And so, “The Gosselin” seemed appropriate for this superdad. It’s all business up front and screeching harpy in back.
Chris D. is one wonderful, sensitive and thoughtful guy. But it’s the quiet ones you have to look out for. Let “The Anton” serve as a warning…
Kimi and I share a deep admiration for the host of tv’s Dirty Jobs, Mike Rowe. And what does every dirty boy need? A dirrty girl! With “The Xtina,” Kimi is beautiful in every single way. So don’t you bring her down.
As loyal C&R readers (all 5 of us) know, FDot continues to bring in the low scores on the Have You Ever?! quizzes. So to bring out his inner slut, he gets “The Snooki.” Now he’ll have lots of dirty secrets to hide under that poof.
VUBOQ, in case you didn’t know, stands for Vicious Unrepentant Bitter Old Queen. I thought I’d give VUBOQ a more subtle look by dialing down the vicious to a mere nasty. With “The Nellie,” those little hoes on the prairie don’t stand a chance.
Did you know that Mel wants to move to Iceland? I figured I’d help him fit in with the locals by giving him “The Bjork.” Not only are his new buns adorable, but they’ll keep his ears warm during the cold, Icelandic winters.
Paul sports a glorious swirl on the back of his head. It’s the source of all his power. Thanks to “The Gwen” his new front swirl makes Paul invincible. I wonder if he’ll use his powers for good or evil…?
John’s been coasting on the cute bunny thing for too long. All that fluffy fur needed to go. “The Hareless” gives john the cutting edge look that might make us believe that he really does have a cold, dead heart.
Have you seen this man with his shirt off? Hubba hubba. And I’ll throw in an extra hubba for good measure. David could be on the cover of a romance novel. With the flowing mane of “The Fabio” it won’t be long before Harlequin comes a knockin’.
What better look for Bossy, the Chairwoman and CEO of I Am Bossy than “The Trump”? This powerful hairstyle demands authority, respect and billions of dollars – and will stay in place through multiple firings.
Enrico has graduated from college! And will be heading to New York! How will the big city and its wicked ways affect Enrico? Will he remain innocent or not that innocent? With “The Britney,” we’ll never know.
This Firework is meant for fame and fortune. With the “Katy” Josh is sure to be everybody’s Teenage Dream, at least that’s what this California Gurl thinks.
When he’s not making cupcakes, Ryan’s some sort of smart scientist guy. With “The Albert” maybe Ryan will come up with that anti-aging elixir I’ve been waiting for. Get going Ryan! I’m not getting any younger.
I can only imagine that Mr. Sombrero must be a pretty easygoing guy to put up with Adam’s shenanigans. So to help him stay “mellow,” I gave him “The Marley.” Plus – new hat! And I took away his shirt. You’re welcome.
David from Blogography has a very bad monkey. He creates chaos and destruction wherever he goes. But BM’s victims will never be angry with David. With “The Betty,” all is forgiven. Seriously, who could ever be mad at Betty White? Everyone loves her! And now they’ll love David, too. No matter what his little hellraiser does.
Purple…sex… why, Polt and Prince are almost the same person. With “The Prince” Polt is ready to hop into his little red corvette, drive to erotic city, pick up some sweet young thing in a raspberry beret and give him a kiss and some HUGS…
Nathan is Canadian. Which means he’s nice. So I waved my magic wand and gave him “The Glinda.” Now Nathan is officially a friend of Dorothy.
Tam. Also Canadian. Also nice. And who is nicer than Doris Day? Probably lots of people, because she’s dead. Wait, is she dead? I’m pretty sure she is. Anyway, Tam was already sweet, but with “The Doris,” she’ll give you a cavity.
I was going to go against the “nice” stereotype and give the kid “The Lohan,” but I didn’t want to corrupt her. That’s Adam’s job. So Kristen gets to stay wholesome with “The Funicello” – even though she is too young to know who that is.
To be brief (unlike Justin’s comments) I gave Justin “The Asterisk.”
David’s a writer, with a penchant for horror. To keep him in the mood, I gave him “The Poe.” I’m sure his new look will inspire that blockbuster zombie flick. Don’t forget me in your Oscar acceptance speech, David!
“The Dolly”* allows Mush to be a little bit country and a little bit rock and roll. With her teased blonde hair, Mush can bring out the bubbly perkiness that lies within. *Boobs included.
When I think “funny,” the last person I think of is Bruce Vilanch. But he’s one of the most ridiculous and thus, just the ticket for the Infamous Dr. Para. With “The Bruce,” I’ve turned scary into approachable. Or maybe I’ve turned scary into horrifying…
Now that I’m posting on C&R, my poor noodlepuddin’ is bound to be neglected. I gave him “The Alex” so that I will be reminded to never to ignore him. Hey, has anyone seen john?
Xi_Heather and TwoPi are two of the most intelligent people I’ve never met. Being so brilliant is exhausting (believe me, I know). So I’m giving their brains a much-deserved vacation from all that thinking with “The Chrissy” and “The Lloyd.” Derp.
Growing up, I wanted to be a Brady. With “The Jan,” I am one far out, groovy chick. Marcia wishes she looked this good. And Thindy can thuck it. Now if you’ll excuse my beauty, I have a hot date with my boyfriend George Glass.
It’s Thursday, and you know what that means … it’s time for another edition of everyone’s favorite weight loss competition: Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser 2! This week we’ve invited Lindsay Lohan along for the ride! It’s a true honor to have superstar Ms. Lohan with us today because she might be going to jail very soon. This week Lindsay asked each of the players how they’re feeling and if they’re sick of the competition. Here’s what they had to say…
Adam: I’m not sick of this contest, actually just the opposite! I’m finally almost over my cold from last week, and I’m ready to kick some ass. I’ve had a itch to exercise, so I might actually get off my ass once or twice in the next week. I hope that I don’t get voted off this week, cuz I don’t wanna lose (yet)!
Fdot:
1. There once was a boy named FDot.
Every week he lost weight on the spot.
But to type up a blurb,
Every week was absurd.
So this time he thought he would not.
Jere: Fuck me. After working until 11pm yesterday, I had to be at school an hour early today to make up for one of our snow days. That means 3 solid hours of Income Tax law. There is nothing about exceptions to the deductibility of interest on loans under section 62 of the tax code that should be spoken of prior to my morning coffee. I’m pretty sure my professor was just making up words for about 15 minutes. Amortization? Like I’m going to believe that’s a thing. Anyway, yeah, so I got out of that class and went straight to the gym where the cute guys look away uncomfortably when they catch me staring at them. And in the middle of my run, I notice a banner at the bottom of CNN on the screen attached to the treadmill next to me “Obama Announces Administration will No Longer Defend Marriage Act.” Well, I almost fell off my fucking treadmill as I scrambled to plug my earphones into the gym machine and figure out which channel was CNN. Then, as they started going on and on about Libya again, I noticed that I was going to be late to my table time for my job as a rep for one of the bar preparation companies, so I barely had time to shower and eat lunch (literally) on the run back to school. Then I finished up my shift at the table with about 60 minutes to completely rewrite my direct examination of this witness for our trial advocacy competition and I’m getting fucking sassed on Facebook because I haven’t sent in my blurb. Bitchez.
Mr. Sombrero: Ay ay ay… I LOVE this competition for keeping us motivated and the fact that everyone, well most 
are doing such a good job. The weight loss progress for me is slow (damn you oreos!) but consistent (yay zumba!). Tuesdays are really good, because all that nagging about having to submit the blurbs and weigh yourself the next day stops me from eating junk food. 
Mush: I don’t hate this competition. In fact, it’s good for me. Dieting is boring and hard and it sucks, but it’s much better to suffer with others. I don’t know if my last remaining shred of self-discipline will survive the end of the contest. Without Adam and Mikey bitching at me every Wednesday to WAKE UP and WEIGH MYSELF ALREADY, I don’t know that I’d bother to do either. Counting calories has become second nature to me, but all I want to do lately is EAT MORE. My twelve hundred calorie days are over, replaced with fifteen hundred calorie days. Which is probably where I’m supposed to me for the entire rest of my life. GACK.
Paul: I love this competition! I feel great, one day this week I ate some stuff I shouldn’t have and felt so bad after and realized that I had felt that bad most of the time. I have lost 3 inches off my waist and will soon be in need of new clothes, well ok, just start wearing the clothes I had before I started packing it on. By the time I reach my goal weight I will be wearing parachute pants and a Members Only jacket.
Ryan: I’m still loving this competition. I been managing to lose weight steadily without making myself miserable. I plan to keep this up even after the competition is over. However, I worry about this next week. Going to a conference this weekend means that I will be eating out a lot without access to my tracking tools to help me stay on course.
And now, this week’s results:
And now, like every week it’s time to eliminate a player. Here’s how it works: just like American Idol, you vote for the team that you want to save. The team with the least votes will be eliminated. Polls close around Noon (EST) on Saturday.
Lindsay says, “Congratulations to everyone!”
Don’t forget to vote, and feel free to discuss this week’s results in the comments!
In case you didn’t notice, a new year started recently. Times like this we often reflect on what will happen and what changes we hope to make in the new year. I also like to think of it as an opportunity to make some wishes for celebrities I would like to hear absolutely nothing about in 2011.
Lindsay Lohan - Ms. Lohan has become a total joke. She once had promising music and acting careers, but now she just spends her time shuffling from rehab to jail to drinking binge to fighting with Rainbow Poo. I have had enough. She also has really awful hair. Can we lock her up in some real jail and throw away the key?
Taylor Lautner - This talentless hack is best known for taking his shirt off and pretending he is dating that other Taylor, when we all really know he is a big ‘mo. He can’t act and his attractiveness is incredibly overrated. I think the sun should go down on this fruitcake.
Any female with the name Kardashian -Who are these women anyway? Why are they even a topic of discussion? I guess my lack of interests in mammary glands makes me an unlikely target for their charms, but frankly the same could be said for female strippers and hookers. They just need to go back into whatever kloset they came out of.
Katy Perry – While we are talking about untalented women who act like sex workers, I would like Katy Perry to disappear. Her brand of generic vapid pop should have died with the career of Britney Spears, but alas record producers can always sell breasts that sing off key. Let’s hope that 2011 finds her moving to a deserted island with her skeezy husband.
The Situation - Stupid, chest baring women aren’t the only idiots I want to see disappear this year. Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino is in a cast of crazy characters who don’t deserve any more screen time or brain cells devoted to them. When did it become acceptable and celebrated to be so positively inane? Please go back to the shore, tie on your cement sneakers and walk into the Atlantic.
What celebrities do you want to see take a long walk off the proverbial short pier this year? Tell us in the comments so we can make fun of them on Rainbow Poo.
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Oscar Contest Results-O-Rama!
Did you watch the Oscar awards on Sunday? The whole show? And you managed to stay awake?! AMAZING!! You deserve an award. But too bad! There’s only one award that we’re handing out today… the award for the 2nd Annual Cocky & Rude Oscar Contest! This year’s winner correctly predicted 20 of the 24 Academy Award categories. AND NOW … without further ado … (after all, why wait until the end of the post when the winner is someone who has never commented on C&R before?), the winner is: Bart Randall from Los Angeles, California! Yippee! Hurray! Woohoo!!! Congratulations!
Already in the mail and jetting its way to California is an assortment of seven movie theater-style candies, two packs of microwave popcorn and a brand new DVD of Lindsay Lohan in Walt Disney’s Herbie Fully Loaded! Wow, what a great prize!
So how did I tabulate the results? In a giant messy spreadsheet! Check it out!
Here’s the full roundup of the results:
My favorite two category results were Best Cinematography and Best Actor in a Supporting Role. Why, you ask?
Each year we invite contest participants to predict the Best and Worst Dressed Academy Award celebrity attendee. Since these categories are subjective, they do not count towards final scores.
This Year’s Best Dressed Predictions:
This Year’s Worst Dressed Predictions:
Meryl Streep won Worst Dressed with three votes. Glenn Close, Michelle Williams, Rooney Mara and Sacha Baron Cohen tied for second place with two votes each. Everyone else tied with one vote each.
Congratulations to Meryl Streep and Michelle Williams for being our (predicted) Best AND Worst Dressed celebrities! And Congratulations to Bart Randall for winning the 2nd Annual Cocky & Rude Oscar Contest! So what did you think of this year’s Oscar Awards? Any surprises? Who was the best & worst dressed of the night? What did you think of Jennifer Lopez’s nip, Angelina Jolie’s emaciated leg, Billy Crystal’s break out from the old folks home, and the rest of Sunday night’s silliness? Any thoughts for next year? Who should host? Do you even care about the Oscars? Let’s discuss in the comments!!
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