Welcome to Cocky & Rude Fight Club!  The rules to the game are simple.  Each week we’ll introduce our fighters.  We’ll do the leg work and help you analyze their strengths and weaknesses.  Then we’ll put the results to vote.  You’ll pick which combatant will decimate their opponent in the knock-down, drag-out brawl of Cocky & Rude Fight Club! Let’s meet this week’s fighters…

MIKE TYSON

Full Name: Michael Gerard Tyson
AKA / Alias / Nicknames: Iron Mike, The Baddest Man on the Planet
Date of Birth: June 30, 1966 (age 45)
Place of Birth: Brooklyn, New York, U.S.
Hair Color: Black
Relationship Status: Married to Lakiha Spicer
Occupation: retired American boxer, actor
Height & Weight: 5 ft 10 in, approx. 226
Hobbies: raising, breeding and racing pigeons
Favorite place to bite someone: Ear
Tattoos?: numerous, including a tribal tattoo on his face
Criminal Record: convicted rapist
Movie Appearances: numerous, most notably The Hangover and The Hangover Part II
Favorite Song: Phil Collins, In The Air Tonight
Awards: Numerous, including National Golden Gloves Champion Heavyweight 1984, Undisputed Heavyweight champion (held all three major championship belts; WBA, IBF, and WBC) – August 1, 1987 – February 11, 1990
Stats: 50 Wins (44 knockouts, 5 decisions, 1 disqualification), 6 Losses , 0 Draws, 2 No Contests
Claim to Fame: former Undisputed Heavyweight champion of the World

Mike Tyson is a former Undisputed Heavyweight champion of the World and holds the record as the youngest boxer to win the WBC, WBA and IBF world heavyweight titles, he was 20 years, 4 months and 22 days old. Tyson won his first 19 professional bouts by knockout, with twelve of them occurring in the first round. Tyson successfully defending the World Heavyweight championship nine times, including victories over Larry Holmes and Frank Bruno. Throughout his career, Tyson became well-known for his ferocious and intimidating boxing style as well as his controversial behavior both inside and outside the ring. Tyson’s secret weapons include superior ear-biting ability, a penchant for raping people, fists of steel, and a terrifying face tattoo.

MIKEY

AKA / Alias / Nicknames: Mike, Mickey Mouse, Marrow
Date of Birth: 05/11/1879
Place of Birth: Bay Shore, NY
Hair Color: Dark Brown
Current Residence: Brooklyn, NY
Relationship Status: happily cohabitational
Occupation: gay for pay
Height & Weight: Shorter than Craig & Heavier than Craig
Hobbies: movies, literature, making grammatical mistakes so Adam has a reason to interact with me
Favorite place to bite someone: in the bedroom
Tattoos?: none
Criminal Record: that was stricken from the record when I turned 18 so I don’t see how it is any of your business
Movie Appearances: Grey Gardens ( I was a cat in a former life)
Favorite Song: 99 Luftballons, Nena’s famous anti-balloon protest song
Awards: some really dorky overachiever awards throughout grades K-12 then I became an award winning underachiever
Claim to Fame: I invented post-its
Secret Weapons: metaphors and thesauri
Favorite curse word: tit-wank

In Mikey’s own words: “I’ve had so many lives that it’s hard to just write about the current one, but I’ll try.  I was born a long time ago in the realm of the fairies. You might know it as Long Island.  Anywhooo after I saved the world from destruction by the Noid in the late ’80s I decided to go into semi-retirement.  I now spend most of my time watching 30 Rock, The Catherine Tate Show and anything else that is available streaming on Netflix.  When I’m not doing that, I have a job.”  Mikey’s secret weapons include “metaphors and thesauri,” as well as a never-ending supply of cheese balls, a really smart boyfriend, an incredibly long tongue and the ability to lick ginger pussy better than anyone else.

Who will win in the battle of  MIKE vs. MIKEY?  Will Mike Tyson tear Mikey limb from limb? Or will Mikey pelt Mike Tyson with cheese balls and lick him to death? There’s only one rational way to decide which fighter will win this battle. We’re putting this no-holds-barred fight to a vote. The poll will be open for approximately 24 hours, and you may vote as many times as you want. That’s right — we’re not blocking repeat votes, so vote now and vote often for your favorite Cocky & Rude Fight Club opponent.

Check back on Sunday for the results!

Thanks to Mikey & Michelle M. for your assistance with this post!