Did you hear the news?! Andy Cohen, Bravo’s Executive Vice-President of Original Programming and Development has been FIRED!* My sources say that it was something to do with his smarmy attitude, giant teeth and lazy eye. I guess that people just couldn’t stand him anymore! In his absence, the Bravo Television Network has hired ME to develop a whole new slate of reality programming for the network. And who better to star in my new reality shows, than all my friends? Behold, Bravo’s new season of shows:
Mikey’s Getting Married! – A show that follows Mikey and Jeopardy! Champion Ty as they plan their nuptials. Episodes will focus on each detail of the wedding planning process, including an episode where their Save The Date card goes through 18 revisions before it is ready to send. The first season will culminate with a wedding, and season two will be retitled: Mikey’s Ever After.
Queen of Smut – This show follows the ultimate Queen of Smut, Tam, as she explores the world of M/M Slash Fiction. Tam travels the world to create the ultimate international collection of gay smut fiction, which will be cross-promoted and published by Bravo at the end of the season. Episodes will focus on every detail of the process, including author interviews, cover shoots, behind-the-scenes negotiations and Tam’s drunken exploits in New Orleans.
The Fabulous World of Polt – Polt became a worldwide sensation when he posted a photo of his nude ass online for the world to see. But that’s hardly the (rear) end of his story! Join Polt each week as he explores his fabulous world in search of hookups, obscure Star Trek novels, purple place mats, Superman t-shirts and the ultimate prize: true love.
Michelle Wins Everything – Each week, this game show will feature multiple contestants facing off against Michelle M. in a variety of challenges. The catch? They will never win! Michelle M. is perfect in every way, and will therefore win everything. There’s only one winner in this fantastic new reality game show!
It’s Just Craig – Craig amused us for years with his popular blog, Puntabulous. But then he quit! Is that the end of the story? This new series follows our favorite has-been star, Craig, as he strives to find his new place in the world. Will he return to blogging? Will he live happily ever after with a cardboard cutout of Natalie Portman? You’ll find out in Bravo’s new series: It’s Just Craig.
Mush & Friends – In this blatant rip-off of MTV: Canada & Logo’s hit show, 1 Girl 5 Gays, Bravo’s Mush & Friends is destined to be a hit! Each week, Mush Morgan will sit down with a rotating cast of 5 guests to answer 21 questions about love, life and sex. Panelists expected to appear: Chris D., Enrico, Jere, Jeliot, Josh, Justin, Mel, Mikey, Adam, Polt, Nathan, Justin**, Ryan, VUBOQ, FDot, TwoPi, Ty and M. Nico***!
It’s A Math Math World – TwoPi, Xi_Heather and the rest of their family star in this reality show about their exciting lives in the world of math! Hopefully it’s more exciting than it sounds.
VUBOQ: Vicious Unrepentant Bitter Old Queen - This self-titled series follows VUBOQ as he makes pottery, runs marathons, travels around the country, and has sex with every letter of the alphabet.
Watch What Happens Live with Adam & Michelle – Taking over the reins from the recently terminated Andy Cohen are new co-hosts, Adam and Michelle! Who better to interview all Z-list celebrities than these amazing new Bravo personalities? NO ONE, THAT’S WHO.
Rounding out Bravo’s schedule will be the returning hits: Top Chef, Top Chef: Just Desserts, Flipping Out!, Interior Therapy with Jeff Lewis, Kathy (plus celebrity guests, minus the theme song), Tabatha Takes Over, and a brand new season of the previously cancelled series, Work Out. I’m going to cancel all of the Real Housewives shows and everything else because it’s all just crap.
So what do you think? Will I succeed as the new Executive Vice President of Original Programming and Development, or will I fail? What shows will you watch? And what other shows would you love to see? Tell me all about it in the comments!
*This whole post is a lie!
**Who invited him?!
***He probably won’t show up.
A wise man once said, “He who smelt it, dealt it.” Let’s face it, we’ve all dealt it once or twice in our lives. Now it’s time to come clean about your dirty odors.
The rules are simple: For each question that you answer ‘yes’ to, give yourself a single point. When you reach the end of the quiz, add up your points and post your total in the comments.
1. Have you ever been told that you’re wearing too much perfume or cologne?
2. Have you ever stunk up your workplace with a really smelly meal? (ie stinky fish)
3. Have you ever been sent home from work or school because you smell bad?
4. Have you ever received complaints for emitting a smelly burp?
5. Have you ever been accused of having bad body odor?
6. Have you ever been accused of smelling like urine?
7. Have you ever been told that you should shower more often?
8. Have you ever retched after smelling your own dirty laundry?
9. Have you ever denied responsibility for a smelly fart?
10. Have you ever felt guilty for stinking up the bathroom?
11. Have you ever fled a public restroom after making it very smelly?
12. Have you ever dropped a smelly fart bomb in a car?
13. Have you ever blamed someone else (or a pet) for a stench that you were actually responsible for?
14. Have you ever been responsible for an awful smell on a bus or airplane?
15. Have you ever used a porta-potty and managed to make the already-present odor significantly worse?
16. Have you ever caused anyone to vomit after smelling a horrible odor that you were responsible for?
17. Have you ever been given dirty looks because of your odors by plumbers, house cleaners or sewer repairmen?
18. Have you ever received complaints from a neighbor for cooking smelly food?
19. Have you ever set off a stink bomb?
20. Have you ever trapped a partner under your bed covers and created a dutch oven?
21. Have you ever been accused of having a room in your house that stinks like sex?
22. Have you ever emitted a smelly fart during sex?
23. Have you ever been told that your genitals smell badly?
24. Have you ever been told that your sexual fluids smell badly?
25. Have you ever had an infection or disease caused you to emit a nasty odor?
Fess up to your stink (and tell us your total) in the comments!
Welcome to Cocky & Rude Fight Club: ROUND TWO! The rules to the game are simple. Each week we’ll re-introduce our fighters. We’ll give them each a chance to speak their mind. Then we’ll put the results to vote. You’ll pick which combatant will decimate their opponent in the knock-down, drag-out brawl of Cocky & Rude Fight Club! Let’s meet this week’s fighters…
Each week of Round Two, we’ll drop three Round One winners into the ring and see who remains standing after a 24-hour Cocky & Rude Fight Club vote. Today’s contestants are: Tam, “The Kid” and John.
All the way back on Tam’s birthday, May 5th, Tam faced off against the butter-loving Food Networker, Paula Deen. It was a slippery battle (mostly because they kept squirting butter and Vegemite at each other), but in the end Tam claimed the prize with 84% of the popular votes.
While I may be the senior member of this trifecta, I believe I have some abilities that the others do not. On the one hand, I control the life of said most junior member. Party on Saturday? HAHAHAHA, yeah right. How about cream cheese and tomato sandwiches in your lunch every day for the next term? I have skillz. I may be old, but I’m wiley, I’ve got experience on my side and taking out a rabbit and a teenager easily distracted by cute boys and wedding dresses will be a snap. I have the appropriate Tumblr blogs bookmarked and carrots ready for step one in my plan: distraction. They are going down. -Tam
The next week we dropped Tam’s daughter, “The Kid” into the C&R Fight Club ring with the formidable Rebecca Black. The Friday pop princess did not stand a chance against “The Kid” and trusty steed, Sprinkles the Pony. “The Kid” won her surprisingly close match with 59% of the popular vote.
Do you actually think you’ll win against me? I’m Jack’s smirking revenge. I’m Jack’s cold sweat. Hell, I’m even Jack’s raging bile duct. I’m the all-singing, all dancing crap of this world, but I’m done with this, these are my words now. I’ll pull the rabbit out of the hat and send my mother back home. I spend my nights in a cage and my days at the underground. I’m made of steel and have youth on my side, ’cause I be eating a Triple Big Mac with an extra large fry. Ain’t no body more beast then I, are you even going try and call that a lie? Give me a chance to unleash my world of fury because when you leave the match your vision is gonna be blurry! -”The Kid”
After all the Tam family fun, we pitted John (the bunny) against all four of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles in the battle of ‘Turtles vs. the Hare!” But unlike Aesop’s classic tale, John defeated the turtle foursome with an impressive 88% of the popular vote.
I sense some dissention in the ranks and I am going to exploit that by pitting mom against daughter. Forget the fact that I am taller than both combatants, combined. I am going to first side with the Kid. She can wear that top, she can stay out after midnight, no, she can’t talk to Adam, it will scar her for life. Once Tam is out of the way, I will pick off the Kid! – John
Who will win in the battle of Tam vs. “The Kid” vs. John? There’s only one rational way to decide who will win this battle. We’re putting this no-holds-barred fight to a vote. The poll will be open for approximately 24 hours, and you may vote as many times as you want. That’s right — we’re not blocking repeat votes, so vote now and vote often for your favorite Cocky & Rude Fight Club opponent.
Check back on Sunday for the results!
Thanks to Michelle M., Tam, Kristin & John for your assistance with this post!
Have you ever been a little less than wonderful in the winter wonderland? Today’s snow-themed Have You Ever?! quiz is going to find out. For each question that you answer ‘yes’ to, give yourself a single point. When you reach the end of the quiz, add up your points and post your total in the comments section.
1. Have you ever gone sledding?
2. Have you ever gone ice skating?
3. Have you ever made a snow angel?
4. Have you ever fallen on ice?
5. Have you ever been in a snowball fight?
6. Have you ever thrown a ‘yellow’ snowball at someone?
7. Have you ever had frostbite?
8. Have you ever gone snowmobiling?
9. Have you ever regretted driving in the snow?
10. Have you ever been in a car that got stuck in the snow?
11. Have you ever been in a car accident because of the snow?
12. Have you ever discovered a lot of shrinkage after you or your man spent a lot of time outside in the cold?
13. Have you ever pretended to be sick or lied so someone would shovel the snow for you?
14. Have you ever faked a heart attack so you could stop shoveling?
15. Have you ever missed work or school because of the snow?
16. Have you ever blamed the snow and played hooky from school or work when you could have made it in?
17. Have you ever been naked by yourself outside in the snow?
18. Have you ever been naked with one or more other people in the snow?
19. Have you ever urinated or defecated outside in the snow?
20. Have you ever built an anatomically correct snow-person?
21. Have you ever gone swimming outdoors during the winter (like a member of the Polar Bear Club)?
22. Have you ever had sex in an igloo or ice hotel?
23. Have you ever had sex outdoors while it was snowing?
24. Have you ever fallen through thin ice and were in danger of losing your life?
25. Have you ever murdered someone by stabbing them with an icicle? (The perfect crime!)
Did u behave yourself? Tell us the truth! Post your score in the comments.
After watching last week’s ridiculous Christmas-themed episode of Glee, I was left feeling a little funny inside. No, it’s not because the episode was terrible, it’s because I always feel uncomfortable when television shows (especially kid-friendly shows at 8pm) outrightly talk about how there is no such thing as Santa Claus. Many viewers across the country were probably watching the episode with their children, and may not have stuck around long enough for that ‘did Bieste or didn’t Bieste give Artie the magical legs that he randomly “can’t use all the time” so they can keep him in a wheelchair’ Christmas miracle moment.
When did you first find out that some creepy bearded guy doesn’t really break into your house every Christmas and leave you toys under a tree? This blog post would probably be better if I remembered the exact moment that I found out, but I don’t. I remember that a Jewish friend told me pretty early on, but I swore he was wrong. I liked the idea of Santa, and that non-believer wasn’t going to ruin it for me.
I also have memories of helping my parents cover up their Santa-lie to my younger brother. And yet, I still tried to believe in Santa, myself. My mind was operating with two conflicting realities. One the one hand I’d try to sound serious when I asked my brother if he had remembered to put cookies out for Santa. And on the other, I was reminding myself to leave carrots for the reindeer.
Alas, my innocence was lost one winter day many years ago when my mother flat out asked me: “You know there’s no such thing as Santa, right?” “Of course I know,” I replied as my childhood came crashing down around me. I answered: “Duh, mom.” Then I jumped in my car and drove away in tears.
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Check back at Noon for the 4th in our series of Reader’s Choice Cocky Awards ballots!
Are you upset that you didn’t win a trophy in yesterday’s Cocky Award presentation? Here’s your first chance to up your average score and take a step towards the win in 2011!
Computers. Many of us sit in front of them for many hours a day. We use them to work, to design, to create, to update and to calculate. But have you ever used your computer to facilitate your physical pleasures? Let’s find out. For each question that you answer ‘yes’ to, give yourself a single point . When you reach the end of the quiz, add up your points, and post your total in the comments section.
1. Have you ever used a computer?
2. Have you ever looked at pornography on a computer?
3. Have you ever been sexually aroused by looking at pornography on a computer?
4. Have you ever masturbated while looking at pornography on your computer?
5. Have you ever had virtual sex in an online video game?
6. Have you ever had cybersex in a web chat room?
7. Have you ever had cybersex over instant messenger?
8. Have you ever lied about your gender or age while having cybersex?
9. Have you traded explicit text messages with someone else using a mobile device?
10. Have you ever sent an explicit photo of yourself to someone else’s mobile device?
11. Have you ever received an explicit photo of someone else on your mobile device?
12. Have you ever had audio-only sex (like phone sex) over Skype or another Internet voice service?
13. Have you ever watched someone masturbate on camera while video service (like Skype or Chatroulette)?
14. Have you ever masturbated while someone else watched you via a video service (like Skype or Chatroulette)?
15. Have you ever gone on a date with someone that you met through a social networking site (like Facebook)?
16. Have you ever gone on a date with someone that you met through a dating website (like Match.com)?
17. Have you ever gone on a date with someone that you met through a blog (like Cocky&Rude)?
18. Have you ever had sex on the first date with someone you met through a dating site or blog?
19. Have you ever entered into a relationship or married someone you met through a dating site or blog?
20. Have you ever hooked up or had anonymous sex with someone that you met through a personals site (like Craigslist)?
21. Have you ever hooked up or had anonymous sex with a group of people that you met on the Internet?
22. Have you ever hooked up or had anonymous sex with someone that you met while using a mobile application (like Grindr)?
23. Have you ever purchased sex from someone that you met on the Internet?
24. Have you ever sold sex to someone that you met on the Internet?
25. Have you ever masturbated to any of the photos or videos featured in last week’s Have You Ever?! quiz?
Now post your total points in the comments so we can all judge you!
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Have You Ever … On Your Birthday?!
You know the rules but I’ll tell you anyway: For each question that you answer ‘yes’ to, give yourself a single point. When you reach the end of the quiz, add up your points and post your total in the comments.
1. Have you ever had a birthday?
9. Have you ever received a free meal at a restaurant on your birthday?
20. Have you ever had to spend your birthday alone?
2. Have you ever received a crappy gift on your birthday?
3. Have you ever bought yourself a present on your birthday?
4. Have you ever worked on your birthday?
5. Have you ever thrown yourself a party on your birthday?
6. Have you ever been surprised by a birthday party at work on your birthday?
7. Have you ever been surprised by a surprise party on your birthday?
8. Have you ever baked yourself a cake on your birthday?
10. Have you ever received a free drink at a bar on your birthday?
11. Have you ever turned into a gluttonous cake monster on your birthday?
12. Have you ever thrown up on your birthday?
13. Have you ever been disappointed (for any reason) on your birthday?
14. Have you ever lied about your age on your birthday?
15. Have you ever forgotten your own birthday?
16. Have you ever ignored your birthday and hoped it would just go away?
17. Have you ever cried on your birthday?
18. Have you ever gotten really drunk on your birthday?
19. Have you ever used illegal drugs on your birthday?
21. Have you ever broken up with someone on your birthday?
22. Have you ever deleted your birthday on Facebook just to see who really remembers your birthday?
23. Have you ever had sex on your birthday?
24. Have you ever received any type of sex act as a birthday gift?
25. Have you ever slept with a prostitute on your birthday?
Tell us your total in the comments!
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