There’s not much that can distract me from Julia Roberts‘ giant mouth. One thing that can? Lily Collins‘ giant eyebrows in Mirror, Mirror.
I hate when people write the word that you’re trying to guess in Draw Something!!
And why the hell does it take so long for my Android Phone to load Draw Something? And why can’t I have the flashy loading screen that iPhone users get to see?
People at work that don’t know how to do their own job, and expect me to cover for them.
Movies like Tower Heist that pretend to be comedies. I DIDN’T LAUGH ONCE.
When I’m in a store and I can’t figure out how much something costs. Label the damn shelf!
Gas is so expensive! Grumble, grumble, grumble!!
People who don’t recycle!
Other things that bug me: People who throw trash on the floor of public restrooms, the fact that no matter how much I diet and exercise I can’t seem to lose any weight, I didn’t create (and then sell) Instagram, and people who won’t buy the stuff I’m selling on eBay.
It’s Friday … and that can only mean one thing. It’s time for the Friday Five, MOTHAFUDGERS!
First up this week is the breaking news that a company called Applied Clean Tech has developed a system that makes paper from sewage! Apparently 99.9% of what comes through municipal waste water treatments systems is nasty-ass black and grey “water” … but that other .1% is a goldmine! It’s made up mostly of food waste, toilet paper and clothing fibers. Once cleaned, these “solids” can be transformed into a whole new type of paper. It’s an interesting idea … but I’m not sure if paper made of shit will really catch on. Cuz it’s made of shit. S-h-i-t.
Is your vagina white enough? Apparently in India, it’s rather important for your vagina to be as shiny and as white as possible. I had no idea, but I guess there’s a hierarchy of skin tone within the Indian community. “As if it isn’t bad enough that darker-skinned people are encouraged to stay out of the sun and invest in skin-bleaching products like Fair & Lovely, and that white actresses are being imported to play Indian people in Bollywood movies, now everyone has to be insecure about the fact that their vaginas happen to be the color that vaginas are?” On the one hand, this is deeply disturbing … on the other, it’s oddly hilarious (for people with sick senses of humor like me). Check out this commercial for Clean and Dry Intimate Wash:
Wednesday night I went to see David Sedaris! He’s one of my favorite authors, and whenever his tour makes its way to central Jersey I do my best to make it to one of his readings. This was my third time, and he never fails to amuse. The entire audience laughed for 90 minutes straight. I just love him so much!
Forth on the weekly list of five is something mindless and stupid (JUST LIKE ME!) … it’s the … wait for it … PROCATINATOR! It doesn’t even really require explanation … just click here. Wait until you’re amused, and then hit refresh. Hit refresh again. Now come back to C&R. OMG I’m in heaven. Since I discovered Procatinator, I’ve visited at least 1000 times a day. Seriously. I’m totally serial.
And finally this week is a web video so amazing that it deserves an introduction by none other than Michelle M.: “Sweet Brown! Oh Lord Jesus, I love her.” And I love you, Michelle M.! I nominate Sweet Brown for Monday Muse 2012! Check her out here:
This week’s Five contained paper made out of human shit, sparkling white vaginas, David Sedaris, animated cat .gifs with music, and SWEET BROWN!
OH LORD JESUS! I smell barbeque and that means I must run from my computer! Now I got bronchitis! Ain’t nobody got time for that! Thank the FSM that the Friday Five is complete!
Dentists can be pretty awful motherfu¢kers! They’re always digging around in your mouth, ripping out your teeth, drilling, scraping, and all sorts of crap. They cut you, they hurt you, they leave you feeling like crap AND they take all your money! The only good thing that they do is give you druuuugs. And when you’re high on laughing gas and general anesthesia, your awful family and loved ones record you and then post it on YouTube so we can all laugh at you! Check out these three drugged-out lunatics and then vote for your favorite:
Have you ever been a dental druggy? Or are your teeth perfect in every way? Let’s talk about it in the ‘ments.
Craig is known round the world for his humor, puns, height, dim-wittiness and superior [tiny] cocksmanship. And as everyone’s second favorite blogger celebrates his birthday this week, we at C&R ask you this simple question: Have You Ever… With Craig?! Let’s find out.
The rules are simple: For each question that you answer ‘yes’ to, give yourself a single point. When you reach the end of the quiz, add up your points and post your total in the comments.
1. Have you ever spoken on the telephone with Craig? 2. Have you ever instant messaged with Craig? 3. Have you ever Skyped (or video chatted) with Craig? 4. Have you ever text messaged with Craig? 5. Have you ever been bored with Craig? 6. Have you ever laughed with Craig? 7. Have you ever cried with Craig? 8. Have you ever been annoyed with Craig? 9. Have you ever argued with Craig? 10. Have you ever hung out with Craig? 11. Have you ever partied with Craig 12. Have you ever danced with Craig? 13. Have you ever performed karaoke with Craig? 14. Have you ever locked eyes with Craig? 15. Have you ever driven in a car with Craig? 16. Have you ever been topless with Craig? 17. Have you ever swam with Craig? 18. Have you ever compared shoulder hair with Craig? 19. Have you ever been intoxicated with Craig? 20. Have you ever traded nude photos with Craig? 21. Have you ever masturbated on a webcam with Craig? 22. Have you ever been naked with Craig? 23. Have you ever had sex with Craig? 24. Have you ever had a penis “sword fight” with Craig? 25. Have you ever committed murder with Craig?
Well?! Have you? Tell us your total in the comments!