It’s Friday … and that can only mean one thing. It’s time for the Friday Five, MOTHAFUDGERS!
First up this week is the breaking news that a company called Applied Clean Tech has developed a system that makes paper from sewage! Apparently 99.9% of what comes through municipal waste water treatments systems is nasty-ass black and grey “water” … but that other .1% is a goldmine! It’s made up mostly of food waste, toilet paper and clothing fibers. Once cleaned, these “solids” can be transformed into a whole new type of paper. It’s an interesting idea … but I’m not sure if paper made of shit will really catch on. Cuz it’s made of shit. S-h-i-t.
Is your vagina white enough? Apparently in India, it’s rather important for your vagina to be as shiny and as white as possible. I had no idea, but I guess there’s a hierarchy of skin tone within the Indian community. “As if it isn’t bad enough that darker-skinned people are encouraged to stay out of the sun and invest in skin-bleaching products like Fair & Lovely, and that white actresses are being imported to play Indian people in Bollywood movies, now everyone has to be insecure about the fact that their vaginas happen to be the color that vaginas are?” On the one hand, this is deeply disturbing … on the other, it’s oddly hilarious (for people with sick senses of humor like me). Check out this commercial for Clean and Dry Intimate Wash:
Wednesday night I went to see David Sedaris! He’s one of my favorite authors, and whenever his tour makes its way to central Jersey I do my best to make it to one of his readings. This was my third time, and he never fails to amuse. The entire audience laughed for 90 minutes straight. I just love him so much!
Forth on the weekly list of five is something mindless and stupid (JUST LIKE ME!) … it’s the … wait for it … PROCATINATOR! It doesn’t even really require explanation … just click here. Wait until you’re amused, and then hit refresh. Hit refresh again. Now come back to C&R. OMG I’m in heaven. Since I discovered Procatinator, I’ve visited at least 1000 times a day. Seriously. I’m totally serial.
And finally this week is a web video so amazing that it deserves an introduction by none other than Michelle M.: “Sweet Brown! Oh Lord Jesus, I love her.” And I love you, Michelle M.! I nominate Sweet Brown for Monday Muse 2012! Check her out here:
This week’s Five contained paper made out of human shit, sparkling white vaginas, David Sedaris, animated cat .gifs with music, and SWEET BROWN!
OH LORD JESUS! I smell barbeque and that means I must run from my computer! Now I got bronchitis! Ain’t nobody got time for that! Thank the FSM that the Friday Five is complete!
This week’s runners up: The return of The Big C and Nurse Jackie, Harry M. accepting my Facebook friend request, pizza, avocados, vacation requests, Kathy Griffin, Dawson’s Creek, Party of Five, unsweetened iced tea, and hardcore gay pornography. DUCK! (a reference from season 5)
It’s been quite a while since I last graced you with one of my beautiful puddles of urine. Lately I’ve been curling up under blankets, scratching Adam, and eating a bit more kibble than usual. I’m trying to fatten myself up for the winter. But when I’m not busy with all of that crap, I’m still creating magnificent works of art in my little box. Here’s one of my recent masterpieces … tell me what you think it looks like in the comments. If you don’t, I’ll come to your house and tear your furniture to bits. Actually, I might do that anyway.
Jumping the shark is an idiom, first employed to describe a moment in the evolution of a television show when it begins a decline in quality that is beyond recovery. In its initial usage, it referred to the point where viewers feel “the writers have run out of ideas” and that “the series has [lost] what made it attractive.” The usage of “jump the shark” has subsequently broadened beyond television, indicating the moment in its evolution when a brand, design, or creative effort moves beyond the essential qualities that initially defined its success, beyond relevance or recovery. Wikipedia
What was Spring thinking?!
Leave your thoughts in the comments!
Submit your potential What Were They Thinking?! photos to:
cockyandrudedotcom@gmail.com
Just about every week, Cocky & Rude presents you with a Friday Five. It’s a list of our five favorite things of the week, wrapped up in a concise package for you to enjoy. This week is no different. So sit back, relax, and enjoy (dramatic pause) the Friday Five.
First up this week is Chris Crocker. You may remember him from a few years ago when he urged the world to LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE!!! Fast forward all the way to 2011 and it seems that Chris has had a bit of a makeover. He’s now recording music, living with his boyfriend, … and will be starring in a full-length gay porno this summer! (Very NSFW preview photos can be found on Unrated Perez.) Oh, and he also has a Tumblr page, where he posts photos and answers questions like, “how do you know when someone loves you for you, and not for what you have, or what you can do for them?” Music, Porn, Dear Abby Chris … he’s a triple threat! Woo hoo! Way to go, Chris Crocker! I wonder if he still likes Britney?
Next up this week is something a little bit more G-Rated: Bicycling! I love to go on long bike rides (featuring tired muscles and a sore ass). But lately, my schedule has been so busy and my self has been so lazy that I just haven’t hopped onto the old 2-wheeler. So yesterday, for the first time this summer, I pumped up tires, tossed my bike into the Fit and drove to Washington Crossing State Park (that’s where Washington crossed the Delaware on Christmas in 1776 and changed the course of he American Revolutionary War). From there I rode my bike north along the D&R Canal Trail to just north of Lambertville, NJ. That’s a round trip of about 16 miles! Woo! Note: if you don’t see any blog posts after today, it means that I’ve died.
Third this week is the United States Postal Service! I must admit that it was going to be on my list of most hated things this week (because I am still waiting for all my birthday cards and presents from ALL of the C&R readers (Polt not included — he sent me a lovely card with cute boys on the front)) but the USPS really came through for me this week. They delivered Mush‘s prize for winning Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser 2 in two days (yes, I just sent it THIS week, and yes, she won the contest on March 31st). I paid for the cheapest way to mail the box (because I’m poor) which claimed that it would get it to her in about 7 days … and it took 2. From New Jersey to Washington state in 2 days. I’m impressed. Oh, and speaking of the USPS, it’s also the cause of Patton Oswalt’s most recent tragedy. Enjoy:
Fourth this week are kittens! As a bunch of you already know, I volunteer every week at a cat shelter, where I clean up various disgusting fluids (like diarrhea, vomit, pee, etc.), empty litter boxes, replace food and water dishes, sweep, vacuum, bleach, scrub, squeegee, etc. Along with all my cleaning duties, I also get to spend a little time playing with cats … and kittens! The summer months always mean that we have lots of kittens … and in case you were somehow unaware, kittens are amazing. Not only are they playful and fun, they’re also soft, (usually) friendly, and most of all, they’re freak’n adorable. Check out this kitten video that Tam passed on to me:
And finally this week is the TV series, Fringe. I always try my best (unlike some bloggers) to avoid blabbing on and on about old TV shows that I’m watching. But I just finished watching three seasons of Fringe (over the course of about 3 weeks) and I wanna scream about it! How come I never watched this show? Have you seen it?! It’s great!! Granted, I love J.J. Abrams, the guy could take a dump for 2 hours, film it, call it a movie and I’d probably love it… But now I gotta wait until the fall season to see more Fringe? Inconceivable!!!
So that’s this week’s Friday Five. Do you love it? Chris Crocker, Bicycling, the USPS, kittens, and Fringe! It doesn’t get much better than that. Or does it? Tell me all about your five favorite things of the week in the comments!
Oh, and by the way, this week’s runners up are: the new cheap wok that I bought at Ikea, extra firm tofu, Trivial Pursuit questions (not the whole game), turtles, eBay, cancelling your Netflix subscription, and hardcore gay porn.
There are many Mikeys in the world. There’s Mikey Jordan, Mikey Bolton, Mikey Jackson, Mikey J. Fox, and Mikey Douglas, among others. But no Mikey is more special to us than our Mikey. And on this day that we celebrate the birth of Mikey, I wanted to do something a little special. So today we’re going to take a quick peek into the life of Mikey … and what he does when he’s not busy blogging at C&R.
Every day, Mikey goes to work. While there, he gets angry, thinks about stars, question marks, swirls, Justins and exclamation points. And then he nearly poops himself.
Whenever they have free time, Mikey and his boyfriend Ty go to the beach. They love to run while carrying their matching blue surf boards. Check out Mikey’s lovely bresticles! And what a figure! Hotcheewowow!
Mikey is also obsessed with everything British. Totally trumping his obsession with Doctor Who was the recent royal wedding. Unfortunately, the Queen has banned him for life from Buckingham Palace after he photobombed this royal portrait.
One of Mikey’s favorite pastimes? Licking pussies. Especially ginger ones!
Speaking of gingers … Mikey is so jealous of those of us with fiery locks that he spends a lot of his alone time with an orange Sharpie marker, “fixing” photos of himself.
Something else he does when he’s all alone … Mikey enjoys surfing the internet for “video entertainment!” I wonder if that one will make it onto the Friday Five?
Mikey also loves fun, fun, fun, fun and look’n forward to the weekend with his
buddies Rebecca Black and Braces Girl!
And Mikey loooooooooooves Justin. So like every devoted fan, Mikey attends every single Justin Bieber concert in the northern hemisphere.
But when he’s not get’n down with Rebecca Black and Justin Bieber,
Mikey also fancies himself quite the performer!
He’s even had a few guest roles on Glee!
But Mikey’s star is rising. We’re pleased to announce Mikey’s latest role…
he’s starring in a brand new motion picture!
Check out the Cocky & Rude World Exclusive trailer for Unnecessary Force:
It’s truly an honor to be in the presence of such a great talent. We only hope that as his star rises, he remembers where he came from. It’s also an honor to wish my friend a happy birthday!
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Spring’s FINAL Piss Puddle Game!
It’s been quite a while since my last Piss Puddle game … and there’s actually a reason. A month or so ago, Adam and I were shopping at our local fancy pet boutique (Walmart) and we decided that it was healthier for me and better for the environment to switch to a all-natural, corn-based kitty litter. Sadly, my new litter does not leave very obvious piss puddles … so we assumed that the Piss Puddle game had run its course. But then, Michelle M. kindly included my Piss Puddle on the Cocky & Rude bingo card. What were we to do? We couldn’t disappoint millions of Black Out Bingo players by never completing the card!
So together, we rooted around in the back of our supply cabinet and discovered that there was just enough of my old litter left over for one final puddle. First Adam held me over my litter box and squeezed my hind-side. As you would expect, I refused to piss. Adam then shook me up and down until I scratched him and ran away. Then he considered using his own urine … but he decided that it was “too uncivilized” — what a douche! Finally I watched as he drew this final Piss Puddle with some water and a measuring cup. What a stupid cheater!
You know the rules. Tell me what you think this “Piss Puddle” looks like in the comments. You better come up with something more creative than Adam was thinking when he drew that stupid dick-shaped puddle.
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