Welcome to the 9th week of Biggest C&R Loser 2013! This year we’ll be keeping all of the results and placings secret until the end of the contest. We’ll also be pooling our cash to award the 2013 winner the largest prize we’ve ever awarded … a whopping $40! This week’s theme is “THE LITTLE THINGS YOU HATE” – Everyone is annoyed by something. What’s one of the ‘little things’ that bother our contestants? Maybe it’s the blobby fat hanging over their waist bands or the way that diet food always tastes awful. Let’s find out what bothers them!
The little things. Little tiny portions. Seriously, look on the package of some of your fave snack foods. 120 calories… for 8 chips. WTF? No one in their right mind eats 8 chips or 1 cookie. Get a grip manufacturers.
Annoyances? I’m annoyed that my weight seems stuck, just fluctuating between two numbers for week after week. And I’m annoyed that I keep forgetting that there’s a blurb due on Wednesdays, so I’m always dealing with these at the 11th hour.
Ya know what bugs me? The fact that junk food is delicious and yet it makes me feel bad about myself! I need liposuction and/or Lap-Band surgery. Too bad I spent my last $5 on this stupid contest.
I hate that I have to wear jeans and long sleeved shirts when it’s 90 degrees because I can’t fit into my shorts and tshirts. So maybe I better get going on this weight loss thing. Summer is just around the corner (especially in San Diego).
Little things that drive me crazy??? Numbers! All I do now for my diet is think about numbers: calories, grams, and amount of time moving. The only numbers that are not small that are driving me crazy are my weight and my pant size. THE HUNGER IS TO BIG TO BE A LITTLE ANNOYING THING.
I hate my job! Was that the question? I’m sick of people and I don’t even have time to diet these days. Somebody pay me to nap and be happy!!
The little thing I hate the most is my own laziness! There is so much that I could accomplish if I were less lazy (the least of which is getting more done for this competition).
This week it’s the little things we hate about the contest. Hmm, I don’t think any of them are little. I HATE being fat in the first place. I hate having to diet. I hate having to exercise when I feel like blobbing on the couch. I hate that the food I’m suppose to eat, I don’t like, and the food I LOVE is bad for me. I hate not looking like a male fashion model. I hate Congressional Republicans and their policies. Wait….I digress….
What I hate most, I think, is the guilt. When I go to bed at night and I realize I haven’t walked, even though I had the time. Or when I order a regular Pepsi at a restaurant instead of just water. Or when I eat a whole freaking (small-sized) pizza instead of a salad. I hate the guilt the comes with it. But I’m used to guilt…I kill it by eating a Cadbury caramel egg!
Last year, C&R told you the truth about the first Thanksgiving, and how it lead to the birth of Polt. In case you’ve forgotten, here it is:
About 7000 years ago, this dude named Columbus sailed across the Atlantic Ocean. The Queen of Spain had given him three boats: The Nina, the Pinta and the Titanic. After 14 days and 14 nights, Columbus landed at Plymouth Acclaim Rock where he met Pocahontas and George Washington! Pocahontas was totally turned off by Columbus’s bad style (buckles and funny black hats), so she went off to have a threesome with John Smith and the Hunchback of Notre Dame. Columbus was SO pissed (because Pocahontas had nice tits and he wanted to motorboat them), that he raped a bunch of Native American and gave them all smallpox. Rude!
Polt's Proud Papa!
To celebrate his mascara, Columbus, Lois, Clark and Ernie Hudson all went to an Indian casino and saw a live performance by Barry Manilow! Columbus instantly turned gay and fell in love with Barry. That night they had crazy butt sex. One year later, Baby Polt sprung from Barry Manilow’s loins! Everyone was happy and gave each other blowjobs to commemorate the day of Polt’s birth. Columbus dressed Baby Polt in purple, and fed him a first meal of microwaved Lean Cuisine turkey, apple cobbler and maize.
And so began the American tradition of Thanksgiving: the day in which we all give thanks for Polt. We’ve celebrated it every year on this day since the beginning of time (Polt is very old), and will continue to do so until we become bored with the whole damn thing. (source)
But that’s not quite the end of the story. Today is Black Friday, and wouldn’t you just know it — Polt was there for the very first Black Friday! Here’s how it happened:
6985 years ago, Polt (who was 14, if you do the math) was having sex for the first time with a cute little Asian boy named George Takei. Suddenly, something hit him right in the face! After he wiped himself off, he had a thought: what if the people of the United States celebrated his birth every year by having butt sex with Asians (preferably with hairthings)? Without hesitation, he grabbed his purple iPhone and told Suri Cruise to call his BFF, President Abraham Lincoln.
Polt and A Local Celebrity, President Top Hat enjoy some pornography.
A Local Celebrity, President Top Hat (as Polt used to call him) thought that it was a grand idea, as he had just finished “banging Margaret Cho ‘old-school style’ in the oval office while both Florence Nightingale and Florence Henderson watched.” Polt commended the President on his stellar cocksmanship and wished him a good evening.
The next day, President Lincoln called a special joint session of Congress (it was on a Saturday!) where all the Democrats and douchey Republicans argued about Polt’s idea of Asian Sex Friday. George Washington thought it might be a little “too controversial” and Bill Clinton was concerned that he would only be allowed to have sex once a year. At one point, Al Sharpton just started screaming “racist!” over and over again.
After years of debate, temper tantrums and filibustering (oh, and we can’t forget Polt’s daily nagging messages on Facebook), Congress decided to officially name the day after Thanksgiving: “Butt Sex with a Latin, Indian, Spanish, Caucasian, African, Arabic or Black Friday.” Polt and A Local Celebrity, President Top Hat celebrated the naming of the official holiday by going to see ‘How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying’ on Broadway. In the middle of the performance, Harry Potter zapped A Local Celebrity, President Top Hat in the head with his wand and assassinated him. Bummer!
Over the years, the name of the day after Thanksgiving has been shortened to: “Black Friday.” The meaning has also changed slightly, as it is now associated with shopping. (Because everyone knows that shopping is better than sex!)
And that’s how Black Friday really came to be! Happy Black Friday Birthday, Polt!
Welcome to Cocky & Rude Fight Club: ROUND THREE! The rules to the game are simple. Each week we’ll re-introduce our fighters. We’ll give them each a chance to speak their mind. Then we’ll put the results to vote. You’ll pick which combatant will decimate their opponent in the knock-down, drag-out brawl of Cocky & Rude Fight Club! Let’s meet this week’s fighters…
Each week of Round Three, we’ll drop three Round Two winners into the ring and see who remains standing after a 24-hour Cocky & Rude Fight Club vote. Today’s contestants are: Mr. Sombrero, Ty & Ryan.
So far, I’ve destroyed uno, dos, TRES opponents in this silly battle. What makes you silly American think that I can’t defeat DOS more? I come from Mexico, where we murder people for fun. I will rain down on all of you with the hot sauce fiery fury of a Taco Bell restroom! Ty? That silly, bald American could never win at the Mexican version of Jeopardy! In our version, we play for tacos and kill the losers. And the winners. And Ryan? My churro could beat his cupcake any day of the week. I will destroy them both with my sombrero pulled down over my eyes! ¡Ay, caramba y yo quiero Taco Bell! -Mr. Sombrero
In his C&R Fight Club Round 1 battle, resident Jeopardy! genius Ty faced off against the the wheelchair-bound Stephen Hawking. After a fierce competition, The theoretical physicist and cosmologist proved no match for man that tells federal judges what to do, when Ty trounced Hawking with 73% of the popular vote. In Round 2, a very pale Ty faced off against the recently employed Mush and law student extraordinaire, Jere. Ty proved that he wasn’t only good at fighting physically disabled people when he beat the two with 44% of the popular vote. Will his pale skin and giant brain be enough to defeat Mr. Sombrero and Ryan? Soon we’ll find out!
I didn’t sign up for this, I’m up against the head writer’s boyfriend, and — AND — even if I win, I have to face a Wonder Woman at least 2.5 times as sassy as Lynda Carter. In light of all that, I don’t really have the energy for smack talk. Instead, here’s TV Guide’s summary for tonight’s episode of Whitney: “Whitney catches Alex eyeing [sic] a sightly woman and punishes him by refusing to talk to him.” YEAH!!!! -Ty
In his C&R Fight Club Round 1 battle, Ryan with a Cupcake faced off against his mortal enemy, The Muffin Man. The voice of the people was strong (and muffin-hating) as Ryan managed to earn a fantastic 99% of the popular vote. In Round 2, Ryan faced off against blogging superstar and world celebrity, the cocky, the rude, the egomaniac: Adam … and Chris D.And Adam won! Somehow, Ryan managed to defeat the dynamic duo with 49% of the popular vote. Adam thinks that he may have cheated. (He didn’t.) Will he cupcake his way to victory against Mr. Sombrero and Ty? We’ll find out soon enough!
Judging by his trash talk in the last round, Ty is just another nice guy. I would have thought that the milkman would have taught Ty how to stand up for himself. Meanwhile, all I have to do is take Mr. Sombrero’s hat to give him a crippling crisis of identity.
Who will win in the battle of Mr. Sombrero vs. Ty vs. Ryan? There’s only one rational way to decide who will win this battle. We’re putting this no-holds-barred fight to a vote. The poll will be open for approximately 24 hours, and you may vote as many times as you want. That’s right — we’re not blocking repeat votes, so vote now and vote often for your favorite Cocky & Rude Fight Club opponent.
Check back on Sunday for the results!
Thanks to Mr. Sombrero, Ty & Ryan for your assistance with this post!
Welcome to Cocky & Rude Fight Club: ROUND TWO! The rules to the game are simple. Each week we’ll re-introduce our fighters. We’ll give them each a chance to speak their mind. Then we’ll put the results to vote. You’ll pick which combatant will decimate their opponent in the knock-down, drag-out brawl of Cocky & Rude Fight Club! Let’s meet this week’s fighters…
Each week of Round Two, we’ll drop three Round One winners into the ring and see who remains standing after a 24-hour Cocky & Rude Fight Club vote. Today’s contestants are: Ty, Mush & Jere!
Our resident Jeopardy! genius, Ty, faced off against the wheelchair-bound genius, Stephen Hawking on July 7th. The theoretical physicist and cosmologist proved no match for man that tells federal judges what to do, when Ty trounced Hawking with 73% of the popular vote.
I didn’t watch professional wrestling as a kid, and I don’t watch professional basketball as an adult, so I’m not super familiar with the concept of trash talk. According to my extensive Internet research, I should threaten to kill my opponents and their loved ones, impugn their paternity, and imply that I have had sexual relations with their significant others. That seems a bit harsh. So instead, I will say what I said to my opponents on Jeopardy!: “Good luck, suckas!!” -Ty
The following week, Michelle “Mush” Morgan faced off against Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson in the epic battle of Mush vs. Rock. The Rock’s expert wrestling moves and experience hitting people with folding chairs proved useless against Mush’s fiery Mexican food farts and superior IT skills when she beat The Rock with a very close 53% of the popular vote.
Just ’cause you bitches are big, strong, strapping boys don’t mean that my old age and treachery won’t overcome! I will beat your asses! I will dominate! YOU ARE GOIN’ DOWN!!! -Mush
Jere battled the animated twosome, Tom & Jerry in his first C&R Fight Club battle. Did the cat and mouse’s giant hammers, mouse traps, stinky cheese and presumable invincibility and immortality slow Jere down in his battle? Nope! He dragged the cartoons to court, sued (and kicked) their asses with a win of 95% of the popular vote.
Those queens? Please. When I’m done cock-slapping them around this fight, they’re both gonna wish they had never seen me. Let us pray the pimp’s prayer for these bitches. Lord, please pray for the soul of these pussies and guide my pimp hand and make it strooong Lord! So that they might learn a ho’s place. Amen! -Jere
Who will win in the battle of Ty vs. Mush vs. Jere? There’s only one rational way to decide who will win this battle. We’re putting this no-holds-barred fight to a vote. The poll will be open for approximately 24 hours, and you may vote as many times as you want. That’s right — we’re not blocking repeat votes, so vote now and vote often for your favorite Cocky & Rude Fight Club opponent.
Check back on Sunday for the results!
Thanks to Michelle M., Ty, Mush & Jere for your assistance with this post!