‘Sup, losers? It’s me, Spring. I’ve been furious since Jere dissed my important semi-regular contribution to Cocky & Rude. What does Jer-Bear have against my Piss Puddle Game? Adam snapped this photo of my piss puddle last week, and I couldn’t wait to show you. It’s a freak’n work of art! Here’s one of my latest masterpieces. Tell me what you think it looks like in the comments. If you don’t comment, I’ll hunt you down and cut your face (once I’m done with Jere).
Were you really expecting a cartoon cat and mouse to defeat a human Jer-Bear? We weren’t either. And as predicted, Jere easily defeated the animated duo in last Thursday’s Cocky & Rude Fight Club bout. And not only did Jere win, he DECIMATED the puny toons by earning 95% of the votes (Tom & Jerry only earned 5% of the votes). We at C&R are not quite sure why they lost so dramatically — maybe their temporary truce didn’t last? After all, the two have been fighting each other for over 70 years. Old habits die hard…
Welcome to Cocky & Rude Fight Club! The rules to the game are simple. Each week we’ll introduce our fighters. We’ll do the leg work and help you analyze their strengths and weaknesses. Then we’ll put the results to vote. You’ll pick which combatant will decimate their opponent in the knock-down, drag-out brawl of Cocky & Rude Fight Club! Let’s meet this week’s fighters…
TOM & JERRY
AKA / Alias / Nicknames: Tom Cat and Jerry Mouse, Tom was called “Jasper” and Jerry was known as “Jinx” in their debut appearances First Appearance: February 10th, 1940 in Puss Gets the Boot Created by: William Hanna and Joseph Barbera Place of Birth: Unknown Hair Color: Tom is white and two shades of gray (or blue), Jerry is two shades of brown Species: Cat & Mouse Current Residence: A house Relationship Status: Usually fighting, occasionally friends Occupations (current and/or past): Tom is a house cat, Jerry is vermin Notable Appearances: Television:The Tom and Jerry Show (ABC, 1975),The Tom and Jerry Comedy Show (CBS, 1980–1982),Tom & Jerry Kids (FOX, 1990–1995),Tom and Jerry Tales (The CW, 2006–2008) Movies: Jerry danced with Gene Kelly in the GM musical feature film Anchors Aweigh (1945), Tom and Jerry: The Movie (Turner Pictures/Film Roman/WMG, 1993), A new feature film is rumored to be in production. Height & Weight: Tom weighs approximately 12lbs, Jerry weighs approximately 7 ounces Hobbies: attempting to kill each other Favorite Song: their own theme song Awards: 7 Academy Awards for Best Short Subject: Cartoon Known for: their famous cartoon series Catch Phrases: Tom and Jerry almost never speak Favorite Food: Tom’s favorite food is Jerry, Jerry’s favorite food is cheese Claim to Fame: In 2000, TIME named the series one of the greatest television shows of all time. Favorite curse word: none
First appearing in a 1940 cartoon short, the characters of Tom & Jerry have been a favorite of children everywhere for over 70 years! Tom & Jerry have appeared in a ridiculous amount of theatrical animated shorts, television shows, movies, specials, video games, and more. Although they’re usually at odds with each other, this cat & mouse duo have decided to put their differences aside and enter the C&R Fight Club ring as allies. Their secret weapons include possible invincibility and immortality (after all, they’re still alive after a 70-year battle and don’t look as if they’ve even aged a day), giant hammers, mouse traps, stinky cheese, and wealth of friends and accomplices.
AKA / Alias / Nicknames: Call me “Jer-bear” and I’ll kill you Date of Birth & Age: May 29, 34 Created by: Equal parts luck, genius and boozy, regret-filled night Place of Birth:The City by the Pestilent Sea Hair Color: fleshy white boy Species: hillbilly wearleopard Current Residence: Harlem Relationship Status: desperate Occupations (current and/or past): former journalist, current law student, lifelong professional homosexual Notable Appearances (Film, TV, etc): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3frIKv7X-fM Height & Weight: 1800 calories a day diet Hobbies: voting 1 star for “very poor” on Cocky & Rude posts. Especially those involving cat urine. Favorite Song (this week):Monster by Kanye West [feat. Jay-Z, Rick Ross, Bon Iver, and Nicki Minaj] Awards: “Best BJ of All Time” as acknowledged by several random guys Known for: Inappropriate and unfunny sexual harassment. Catch Phrases: “Hey teen gang, let’s go [insert name of activity we were going to do anyway]!” Favorite Food: Taco Bell Bean Burritos Claim to Fame:Indestructible. Favorite curse word: Justin Bieber’s Cunt!
Little is known about where Jere comes from, what he does with his time, or with whom he associates. This is remarkable because Jere is like the opposite of internet privacy and he frequently broadcasts his whereabouts, activities, thoughts and bowel movements to a world-wide web that largely pays no attention at all. Gossip tabloids have linked him romantically to famous person Tyler Posey of Teen Wolf, but Jere denies these rumors, commenting “I don’t date 20-year-old guys. Anymore.” Jere’s secret weapons include: The fact that he’s a dog person, he hasn’t had rodents in my apartment since the great “humane trap” invasion of fall 2010, he has an unlimited supply of siblings and family member who’ve got his back, and if all else fails, he’ll sue your ass.
Who will win in the battle of Tom & Jerry vs. Jere? Will Tom & Jerry team up and combine their strengths to defeat Jere? Or will Jer-bear sue them to death while screaming “Justin Bieber’s Cunt!” at the top of his lungs? There’s only one rational way to decide which fighter will win this battle. We’re putting this no-holds-barred fight to a vote. The poll will be open for approximately 24 hours, and you may vote as many times as you want. That’s right — we’re not blocking repeat votes, so vote now and vote often for your favorite Cocky & Rude Fight Club opponent.
Check back on Sunday for the results!
Thanks to both Jere and Michelle M. for your assistance with this post!