Check out Enrico’s latest post, Mad Libs: The Trials of Michelle M. Part I at Hotel Tuesday. It’s hilarious … and I helped (a little)!
On the first day of Whatever, my true love gave to me – a parakeet in a pear tree.
On the second day of Whatever, my true love gave to me -
two puntabupedes and a parakeet in a pear tree.
On the third day of Whatever, my true love gave to me – three more polls,
two puntabupedes and a parakeet in a pear tree.
On the fourth day of Whatever, my true love gave to me – four Mikeys licking, three more polls,
two puntabupedes and a parakeet in a pear tree.
On the fifth day of Whatever, my true love gave to me – five naked asses… four Mikeys licking, three more polls, two puntabupedes and a parakeet in a pear tree.
On the sixth day of Whatever, my true love gave to me – six poos a ploppin’, five naked asses…
four Mikeys licking, three more polls, two puntabupedes and a parakeet in a pear tree.
On the seventh day of Whatever, my true love gave to me – seven schlongs a swingin’,
six poos a ploppin’, five naked asses… four Mikeys licking, three more polls,
two puntabupedes and a parakeet in a pear tree.
On the eighth day of Whatever, my true love gave to me – Eight Tams a riding,
seven schlongs a swingin’, six poos a ploppin, five naked asses…
four Mikeys licking, three more polls, two puntabupedes and a parakeet in a pear tree.
On the ninth day of Whatever, my true love gave to me – Nine commenters commenting,
eight Tams a riding, seven schlongs a swingin’, six poos a ploppin’, five naked asses…
four Mikeys licking, three more polls, two puntabupedes and a parakeet in a pear tree.
On the tenth day of Whatever, my true love gave to me – Ten armless Adams,
nine commenters commenting, eight Tams a riding, seven schlongs a swingin’,
six poos a ploppin’, five naked asses… four Mikeys licking, three more polls,
two puntabupedes and a parakeet in a pear tree.
On the eleventh day of Whatever, my true love gave to me – Eleven pissy puddles, ten armless Adams, nine commenter commenting, eight Tams a riding, seven schlongs a swingin’, six poos a ploppin’,
five naked asses… four Mikeys licking, three more polls, two puntabupedes
and a parakeet in a pear tree.
On the twelfth day of Whatever, my true love gave to me – Twelve boxers boxing, eleven pissy puddles, ten armless Adams, nine commenters commenting, eight Tams a riding, seven schlongs a swingin’,
six poos a ploppin’, five naked asses… four Mikeys licking, three more polls, two puntabupedes
and a parakeet in a pear tree.
Happy holidays to my C&R family!
Everyone knows that I’m excited about Rise of the Planet of the Apes, which stars James Franco (the hottest man in Hollywood). I don’t care what that uninformed douche who didn’t bother to do any research says… Rise of the Planet of the Apes looks great, and I can’t wait to see it. Still not sure it’s worth seeing? Need convincing? Just take a look at this new trailer:
Rise of the Planet of the Apes hits theaters on August 5th. We’ll leave Craig at home and see it together.
My alarm is always set for 7:00am in the morning. Most days of the week I don’t have to be to work until 9:00am (and I only live 15 minutes away), so this affords me a little of an hour to wake up and lounge around the house before I have to get ready. And then there’s days that I wake up at 7:00am, realize that I’m still exhausted, and fall back asleep. This happened to me once last week, and I ended up sleeping until 8:45am! I awoke in a panic — should I take a shower and be late to work, or should I just throw some clothes on and run out the door? I opted for the latter — and prayed to the FSM that no one would smell my stink or notice that I was unclean for the day.
I’m never one to skip a shower — It’s actually not uncommon for me to shower more than once a day. The thought of smelling badly is repulsive to me (not to mention the nose that might smell me). But I lasted that entire day last week … and it was actually pretty great. I might actually do it again some day soon! Think I’m crazy? Here’s 10 reasons why you should skip a shower too:
1. You Have a Secret
It’s fun to have a secret that no one else knows. Even if you’re a big gossip (like me!), you will probably want to keep your filthy body a secret. And it’s actually fun to not be a blabbermouth every once and a while
2. Conserve Water, Save the World
Why not conserve some water and save the environment? Every little thing helps … and conserving as many as 30 gallons of shower water might make this planet a little bit healthier.
3. It’ll Makes the Next One Better
You’ve probably spent the day longing for some a bar of soap and some warm water dribbling down your naked flesh. Think of how great it’ll be when your finally take that shower!
4. You Can Save Some Cash
Even if you don’t have to pay a water bill, think of all the money that you’ll save on body wash, shampoo, conditioner, bar soap, shower cleaner, etc. just by skipping a single shower.
5. Your Hair Will Look Great
Skipping a shower means that your hair will hold on to a day’s worth of oils and hair grease. Who needs hair gel when you can style your ‘do with your own scalp sludge!
6. It’s Good For Your Skin
That body goo isn’t only good for your hair — it’s also good for your skin. Your body secretes all sorts of slimy oils that naturally moisturize and protect your skin.
7. You Can Scare People Away With Your Stink
Let’s face it — you might end up a bit smelly when you skip that shower. Don’t hide it with extra deodorant and cologne, embrace it! When that coworker or family member that you don’t like comes close, just make sure they get a waft of your repulsive body odor. You won’t have to make up an excuse to get them moving away from you quickly.
8. You’ve Just had Sex with James Franco
Another great reason to skip a washing session — sometimes it’s kind of hot to smell the stink of sex on yourself. And if I did the dirty dance with James Franco … I don’t think I’d ever shower again.
9. You Might Find a Snack in Your Beard
If you’re embracing an unclean existence, you probably don’t bother shaving either. In which case, there’s always a chance you’ll find a tasty morsel of a previous meal. And remember, the three-second rule only applies to food that has touched the floor. Your beard snacks do not fall under the same jurisdiction.
10. You Can Celebrate the Lazy
After all, it’s good to be lazy sometimes. It reduces stress, gives you a chance to rest, and feels great. Showering isn’t really necessary every day … so just take some more time to Celebrate the Lazy.
By the time you are reading this, the Oscars will be over. And if they are not, we will all be counting the minutes until they are. This is by far the saddest day of year, because it means the longest period of time before the next Oscars and since the Oscars are my absolute favorite awards show, I’m going to be in a funk…unless we get into an amazing conversation about what did happen! With that in mind and knowing that I have absolutely no clue what actually happened at the show as I am writing this, I’m going to share some of my wildly fantastical guesses as to what will (or I guess did) happen on the stage.
1. James Franco & Anne Hathaway
James Franco was gorgeous and Anne Hathaway was elegant and multi-outfitted. But the report doesn’t end there. They were so nervous about their hosting gig, that they did shots of that mixture Rachel Berry served on Glee. After getting dutifully sloshed, they staggered about the stage and ended up making out with each other on a lark. James Franco also declared his undying love for that Adam who blogs Cocky & Rude. Anne Hathaway felt snubbed so she sat at the end of the stage and pouted.
2. Politics
Celebrities love to take their moment in front of the camera to plug their current political cause or philanthropic mission. This year’s telecast was no different, but they were particularly awkward. Jeff Bridges’ declaration of death to all the tasty animals was simultaneously hilarious and off-putting. It also made Susan Sarandon’s pledge to get an abortion on live tv to protest decreased funding for Planned Parenthood seem a bit less creepy. However, Jack Nicholson’s offer to knock her up was quite crude.
3. The Outfits
Everyone always writes about what the ladies wore and how could you not. Some of those garments were pretty scandalous. But I want to write about what the men wore. I particularly found the standard black tuxedo that 99.9% of the dudes wore to be very boring. Get it together men! Next year I want to see at least one of you dressed by Lady Gaga, which will probably mean a suit of semi-inflated condoms splattered with calf’s blood.
4. The Musical Performances
Normally I’m grateful for my mute button during the song performances, but this year I was surprised. Gwyneth Paltrow’s plan to dominate every form of media continued with her performance of that song from that country music movie no one saw. It was delightful to watch. The real shocker occurred when perennial nominee Randy Newman performed his songs from Toy Story 3. I’m sure the Pixar producers were shocked to see the 67 year old man do a striptease to “We Belong Together.” Helen Mirren, however, seemed to be very into it.
Now that you know what I thought was going to happen as well as what really happened, tell me which you think you would enjoy more? Sure I love watching the Oscars, but I think they need to get a bit more wild. Let them blame on the alcohol.
Mariah Carey has often screeched into all of our ears that all she wants for Christmas is “You” … but Adam and Mikey are much more materialistic. Here at Cocky & Rude, the boys have mailed their list off to Santa and are expecting all sorts of great things under the tree in a few days. Here’s what they asked for:
Justin Bieber – I would like to be given Justin Bieber for Christmas, so that I may hurl him from the top of a tall building. Adam
James Franco - Good lord he’s hot. Adam
Zac Effron – I need him to show Justin Bieber what his life is going to be like in a few years. Mikey
An Apple iPad - Even though I’ve long proclaimed that I hate Macs, I still want an iPad. And I don’t want a cheap one, I want the Best one. Adam
World Peace – Because it helps to balance out all the other bad things I’m asking for. Adam
More Vegan Options In Restaurants – Seriously, I can’t eat anywhere these days! Adam
More Cheese on Everything – Cheese is the greatest food ever and it should be everywhere. Mikey
Adam to Stop Being Vegan – Because he complains about everything we all eat all the time and then I can make him some real baked goods. Mikey
A Personal Chef – For all the times that I want to eat at home, even though there will be more vegan options in restaurants (see above). Adam
To Quit My Job and Become a Personal Chef (as long as it is not a Vegan Chef) – I love to cook for others as long as it has animal fat on it. Mikey
A Worm Compost Box – Because I watched No Impact Man: The Documentary last week and that thing is cool (until it became infested with flies…). Adam
A Star Trek Transporter – Because commuting is for losers, and I want to be able to see the people I love without traveling. Adam
Want to know what else we want? Check back tomorrow for the end of our list! It’s a doozie!
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Oscar Contest Results-O-Rama!
Did you watch the Oscar awards on Sunday? The whole show? And you managed to stay awake?! AMAZING!! You deserve an award. But too bad! There’s only one award that we’re handing out today… the award for the 2nd Annual Cocky & Rude Oscar Contest! This year’s winner correctly predicted 20 of the 24 Academy Award categories. AND NOW … without further ado … (after all, why wait until the end of the post when the winner is someone who has never commented on C&R before?), the winner is: Bart Randall from Los Angeles, California! Yippee! Hurray! Woohoo!!! Congratulations!
Already in the mail and jetting its way to California is an assortment of seven movie theater-style candies, two packs of microwave popcorn and a brand new DVD of Lindsay Lohan in Walt Disney’s Herbie Fully Loaded! Wow, what a great prize!
So how did I tabulate the results? In a giant messy spreadsheet! Check it out!
Here’s the full roundup of the results:
My favorite two category results were Best Cinematography and Best Actor in a Supporting Role. Why, you ask?
Each year we invite contest participants to predict the Best and Worst Dressed Academy Award celebrity attendee. Since these categories are subjective, they do not count towards final scores.
This Year’s Best Dressed Predictions:
This Year’s Worst Dressed Predictions:
Meryl Streep won Worst Dressed with three votes. Glenn Close, Michelle Williams, Rooney Mara and Sacha Baron Cohen tied for second place with two votes each. Everyone else tied with one vote each.
Congratulations to Meryl Streep and Michelle Williams for being our (predicted) Best AND Worst Dressed celebrities! And Congratulations to Bart Randall for winning the 2nd Annual Cocky & Rude Oscar Contest! So what did you think of this year’s Oscar Awards? Any surprises? Who was the best & worst dressed of the night? What did you think of Jennifer Lopez’s nip, Angelina Jolie’s emaciated leg, Billy Crystal’s break out from the old folks home, and the rest of Sunday night’s silliness? Any thoughts for next year? Who should host? Do you even care about the Oscars? Let’s discuss in the comments!!
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