Welcome to Cocky & Rude Fight Club: ROUND TWO! The rules to the game are simple. Each week we’ll re-introduce our fighters. We’ll give them each a chance to speak their mind. Then we’ll put the results to vote. You’ll pick which combatant will decimate their opponent in the knock-down, drag-out brawl of Cocky & Rude Fight Club! Let’s meet this week’s fighters…
Each week of Round Two, we’ll drop three Round One winners into the ring and see who remains standing after a 24-hour Cocky & Rude Fight Club vote. Today’s contestants are: Ryan, Chris D. & Adam!
On July 28th, Ryan With A Cupcake (a.k.a. Ryan Sans Cupcake, look at those abs!) faced off against his mortal enemy: The Muffin Man. In the battle of cupcake vs. muffin, Ryan managed to defeat his opponent with a staggering 99% of the popular vote.
Adam and Chris are going down. I’ve already crushed Adam in the Biggest Cock and Rudest Loser contest by losing more than twice as much weight as he did. As soon as the bell rings, he will piss his pants and then be too distracted trying to figure out what the puddle looks like to defend himself. Meanwhile, Chris is just too nice to win. He only won last time because Mr. Rogers out-niced his ass. Of course, the real reason to vote for me is to get me to show of the clothes I bought last weekend. -Ryan
The following week, the eternally nice Chris D. went up against the deceased nice, Mister Rogers. But everyone’s favorite cardigan sweater-wearing nice guy was no match for Chris D.’s power of … life. Chris D. defeated Mister Rogers with an impressive 88% of the popular vote.
I am going to beat Adam because if Adam wins, he will be dogged by rumors that this whole thing was rigged for decades. Would you seriously want to do that to poor sweet Adam? Vote for me, for Adam’s sake! Ryan could be a bit of a challenge. He is more popular than me, he is probably cooler than me, and lately he’s looking quite fit… BUT I’m the underdog! And if there is one thing that we believe in, it is the ability of the quirky underdog to triumph over insurmountable odds! So vote for me, because I am less popular, and less cool than Ryan! -Chris D.
Our final C&R Fight Club Round One match pitted Adam against the overweight, immature, spoiled, outspoken, lazy, foul-mouthed, mean-spirited, racist, sexist, anti-semitic, sociopathic, and narcissistic Eric Cartman. In the end, all of those adjectives were no match for Adam, who defeated Eric Cartman with 84% of the popular vote. -Adam
Seriously? This is my blog. Do you think that Chris D. and Ryan can beat me? Those two are nothing compared to me! Do you hear me? NOTHING! My time is better spent illustrating tweets, photographing piss puddles and coming up with creative ways to use the photo of Polt’s ass in new and exciting ways. Now vote me for. NOW!
Who will win in the battle of Ryan vs. Chris D. vs. Adam? There’s only one rational way to decide who will win this battle. We’re putting this no-holds-barred fight to a vote. The poll will be open for approximately 24 hours, and you may vote as many times as you want. That’s right — we’re not blocking repeat votes, so vote now and vote often for your favorite Cocky & Rude Fight Club opponent.
Check back on Sunday for the results!
Thanks to Michelle M., Ryan & Chris D. for your assistance with this post!
It’s been a long first round of Cocky & Rude Fight Club, but it has drawn to a close with last Thursday’s bout. Thursday saw the overweight, immature, spoiled, outspoken, lazy, foul-mouthed, mean-spirited, racist, sexist, anti-semitic, sociopathic, and narcissistic Eric Cartman face off against the cocky, rude, adorable and loveable … ME! Did you really think that I’d lose? The C&R readers love me! Even when I call your genitals gross, I can do no wrong. I cast exactly ZERO votes in this poll, yest still managed to earn 183 votes (84% of the vote). Eric Cartman was easily defeated; earning just 35 votes (18% of the vote). I attribute this win to your deep love of all things ‘Adam’. And maybe the fact that Eric Cartman is a cartoon. Nah … I only won because you love me.
Welcome to THE FINAL FIGHT OF THE FIRST ROUND OF Cocky & Rude Fight Club! The rules to the game are simple. Each week we’ll introduce our fighters. We’ll do the leg work and help you analyze their strengths and weaknesses. Then we’ll put the results to vote. You’ll pick which combatant will decimate their opponent in the knock-down, drag-out brawl of Cocky & Rude Fight Club! Let’s meet this week’s fighters…
AKA / Alias / Nicknames: Mr. Cartmanez, The Coon First Appearance: December 1992 in the short, Jesus vs. Frosty Place of Birth: South Park, Colorado Nationality: American Hair Color: brown Current Residence: South Park, Colorado Relationship Status: single Religion: Roman Catholic Occupations (current and/or past): Student, occasional politcian, occasional musician, occasional vigilante Height & Weight: a lot (he’s big boned and has used Weight Gain 3000), Favorite song: possibly Styx, Come Sail Away Favorite Food: Pot Pies, Cheesy Poofs Common Attire: Red shirt, brown pants, black shoes, blue and yellow winter hat Most Hated: Jews, Hippies, Gingers Known for: Cartman once murdered the parents of his nemisis (Scott Tenorman, a ginger), ground them up into chili, and fed them to him. Catch Phrases: “Shut up you stupid Jew,” “Respect my authority,” “No kitty that’s a bad kitty!” and “Screw you guys. I’m going home” Claim to Fame: Many have tried to kill Eric Cartman, but although he is frequently caprtured or abducted, he continues to thrive on the stupidity of the masses. Favorite curse word: Shit, Fuck
Voiced by Trey Parker, Cartman is an overweight, immature, spoiled, outspoken, lazy, foul-mouthed, mean-spirited, racist, sexist, anti-semitic, sociopathic, narcissistic, and ill-tempered third- then fourth-grader living with his mother in the fictional town of South Park, Colorado, where he routinely has extraordinary experiences not typical of conventional small-town life. Cartman is one of the most popular characters on the show and has remained one of the most recognizable television characters ever since South Park became a hit during its first season. Parker and Stone describe the character as “a little Archie Bunker”, and state that he is their favorite character, and the one with whom they most identify. During its fifteen seasons, South Park has received both praise and criticism for Cartman’s tendency to be politically incorrect and shockingly profane. Prominent publications and television channels have included Cartman on their lists of the most iconic television and cartoon characters of all time. Eric Cartman’s secret weapons include: the utter lack of a conscious, the drive to do and get anything he wants, and uncompromising hatred towards anything that crosses him.
AKA / Alias / Nicknames: Adam-Shmadam, Sully, Gingy Date of Birth: July 5th, 1980 Place of Birth: Somerville, NJ Nationality: American Mutt Hair Color: reddish blondish brownish Current Residence: Ringoes, NJ Relationship Status: dating Mr. Sombrero Religion: atheist Occupations (current and/or past): graphic artist, retail, receptionist, mail room clerk, library page Height & Weight: more and more every day, 6ft Favorite song: The Beatles, While My Guitar Gently Weeps Favorite Food: anything vegan and delicious Common Attire: plaid, flip flops Most Hated: Racists, The R-Word, Pickles, Mustard Known for: thinking vaginas and penises are gross Catch Phrases: “Craig has a small penis” Claim to Fame: Prolific blogger, has never made a mistake in his life Favorite curse word: “Goddamn Mother Fucker!”
Everyone’s favorite blogger (no, not Craig) is finally ready to fight. After 17 Cocky & Rude Fight Club bouts, the ringleader is stepping into his ring. Here’s his story… Adam was born a little over 31 years ago to rich, famous and well-connected parents. But his luck quickly ran out when he was accidentally swapped by an inattentive hospital worker. Thus he was given to a family of more average fortunes. In his new family, he became a middle child, starved for attention at all times. A public school education left him feeling empty and unfulfilled, as did college. He stumbled into a career of graphic arts, where he excels but is rarely appreciated. Almost by accident, he created Cocky & Rude, where his true potential has been so perfectly realized. Adam is a master of poop jokes, silliness, grossness, games, quizzes and urine photography. Adam’s secret weapons include the great powers of plaid, his loyal (and psychotic) Spring, an army of ceramic garden gnomes, a red Honda Fit, and a urine-soaked digital camera.
Who will win in the battle of ERIC CARTMAN vs. ADAM? Will Cartman defeat Adam with his hatred of gingers and hippies? Or will Adam use his plaid shirts and cocky and rude attitude to conquer Cartman? There’s only one rational way to decide which fighter will win this battle. We’re putting this no-holds-barred fight to a vote. The poll will be open for approximately 24 hours, and you may vote as many times as you want. That’s right — we’re not blocking repeat votes, so vote now and vote often for your favorite Cocky & Rude Fight Club opponent.
Check back on Sunday for the results!
Thanks to Michelle M. for your assistance with this post!