I realized a few weeks ago that from a certain spot in my parking lot, I can see my landlord’s computer screen. I was so excited! I couldn’t wait to see what kind of porn (girls? boys? horses? fatties? fisting?) that he was into. But after a few weeks of spying, I’ve come to the realization that all he ever does is play solitaire. He’s exactly like my father, and most of the other old people (40+) that I know. The computer is simply a new way to play card games.
Old people, I’m here to help you. There are better things to do with your computer! The Internet is a wide and wondrous place. Here are some suggestions to get you started…
E-mail Your Friends & Family
Why? Because it’s cheaper than a toll call! (Old people usually don’t believe that free in-network mobile phone calls are actually free.) You’ll especially enjoy forwarding bad jokes, religious stories, hoaxes that you are convinced are real, and sharing photos with your family. Please note that old people usually don’t attach photos to an email correctly, so receivers will never see them.
Chat With Your Family
Instead of emailing, why not just IM them? There are a variety of options: Google Talk, AIM, Yahoo! Messenger, etc. Each one of them is easy to use and won’t time out when you only type about one word a minute. Where is the ‘s’ again? I’m sure your family is patient and won’t mind that you type so slow. Oh, and Skype is out of the question, because old people will never understand how to set up a microphone and web cam.
Catch Up On The News
You’re old, so you’re probably a Republican. The best news site for you is FoxNews.com! They offer a fair and balanced version of the news that’s usually not exactly true, but true enough to get you all riled up against those damn liberals! Your favorite person, Sarah Palin is even on the payroll! Check daily for the latest on how heath care reform will cause you to be instantly euthanized and up-to-the-minute information about how Barack Obama was not born in the United States.
Stay On Top Of The Weather
Old people love the weather. A chance of rain or snow is enough of a reason to stay home for days. And when you don’t have much left to live for, it’s important to know the temperature highs and lows for the day. Make sure to send daily emails to your kids and grandkids, reminding them to wear a coat today!
Porn, Porn & More Porn!
Old people’s penises and vajayjays are saggy and old. They wrinkle up like prunes (which on a side-note, are great for avoiding constipation!) and drag on the ground. Don’t get me started on wispy gray pubic hair. It’s just disgusting. Porn is a great way to remember how your body used to look. And what better place to find porn than on the Internet?
It’s Hookup Time!
And why stop at porn? The Internet is a great place for old people to find romance or just hook up with other old folks. And with the advent of Viagra and Cialis, old guys never have to worry about under-preforming and stage fright. eHarmony.com is great if you’re looking for romance (and they don’t let the queers in either!), but sites like AshleyMadison.com are great if you’re just looking to bang some old married people, and still make it home in time for Wheel of Fortune.
Print Out Some Coupons
The only thing better than sex is saving money. And with websites like Coupons.com, you don’t even have to worry about hobbling with your walker to end of the driveway to pick up the newspaper anymore. You can sit on your Duro-Med Rubber Inflatable Seat Cushion Ring and print coupons straight from the computer! As long as you can figure out how to use that damn printer!
Google Your Favorite Subjects
You’re old, so you’re probably all about history (because you were there when it happened). Why not Google your favorite topics? I suggest searching for topics like “World War I” or “Back when I had a pet dinosaur.” Or why not just use Google as an address bar? Wanna go to Facebook? Search for “Facebook.com” or why not try searching Google for “Google.com”? Old people LOVE to do that.
Map Your Family Tree
Old people love reconnecting and remembering their long lost relatives. Why not use a site like Ancestry.com to map a family tree? Or how about Classmates.com to find a few of your still-living classmates? Both sites cost money, and for some reason, old people are surprising willing to pay for these services. Just don’t be there a month later when the credit card bill shows up. They’ll have that foamy pad on the telephone speaker pressed hard against their hearing aid as they scream at the credit card company representative to take the charge of their bill.
Stalk Your Family On Facebook
Facebook, you say? That’s where I disapprovingly look at photos of my grandson Adam jamming vegetables down his pants. He thinks it’s funny. I think it’s disgusting! Old people love stalking their family on Facebook. They’d stalk their friends too, but they’re all dead.
Old people are great, and they love computers. With this helpful list, hopefully they can make the most out of their final few years on the planet. Do you have any suggestions of your own? Add to my list in the comments!