So when Adam and Michelle put out their whiny request saying they were “tired” and “too exhausted” to post this week (wah wah wah) and DESPERATELY wanted guest posts, I thought … what could I, the classy sophisticated woman that I am, write about for a guest post? Of course, the obvious answer was Mikey’s favorite: hardcore gay porn.
Now everyone knows that straight girls only like porn with romantic music and floaty curtains, and soft gentle non-threatening male actors, right? Heh. Yeah. Well, I can’t speak on behalf of all straight girls, only the ones in my little pervy corner of the universe, and that description? Not so much. I decided I would do a survey of a few of my friends who I know enjoy a little man-on-man action, or at least a picture of a nekkid bottom now and then. Well, they told two friends, and they told two friends and so on, and so on. You know the drill. I ended up with 110 responses. Ack! I needed to buy a Survey Monkey pay subscription to access them all.
So what is the story with these women? They’re just looking at artsy pictures right? Well, we’re looking at pictures, I’m not sure how many are “artsy”. Have you been to Tumblr lately? Ahem. 97.3% have a gander at the boys, many on a daily basis, or several times daily, or hourly. Do you know how fast a dashboard moves on that site? Ya gotta keep up or you’ll miss a good one.
Now surely they’re not WATCHING videos. I must be alone in that jungle of testosterone, right? Oh no, I’m not alone. Basically 83% of us girls surveyed like to watch some hot video action, although we are basically cheap and don’t want to pay for it.
Okay, but they’re all single and sad and desperate like me I’m sure. Hmmm. Maybe? 37.6% of us are footloose and fancy free and can watch whatever the hell we want on the internet. But 35.6% have husbands who don’t really care.
I got some interesting comments:
So there you have it. But you’re asking “why?” right? Most people do, even other straight girls. And no, none of us imagine one of the ‘stars’ coming to their senses and sweeping us off our feet. Some of us like to watch straight porn or girl-on-girl as well, but there are a lot of common reasons women don’t like watching porn with other women in it. We are not the target audience. It’s aimed at men and as a rule shows women that men (supposedly) find attractive. The men involved don’t really matter, because straight guys are staring at the women. Straight girls? We’re looking at Ron Jeremy. Ack. If that’s not a freaking turn-off what is? I like to look at attractive men and seriously, you aren’t going to find many in straight porn. So I’ll go where my eye can enjoy the view, doubly, or more.
Here are some of the comments from my survey respondents:
So there you have it folks. In general the reasons why some of us girls like gay porn are: we like men and the way men look; straight porn makes us feel icky or self-conscious; and … it’s just hot. *shrug*
I received so many interesting answers to my questions about porn stars on twitter, live sex shows, strippers and how “out” you are with your habit, that I will definitely be using much of this info for some posts on my own site. Too much great data not to mine for other posts. I admit my survey sample was skewed to those who already have an interest in the subject matter, but it wouldn’t have been nearly as fun otherwise.
I know porn is not for everyone, but if it’s your thing, happy watching.
Welcome to Cocky & Rude Fight Club! The rules to the game are simple. Each week we’ll introduce our fighters. We’ll do the leg work and help you analyze their strengths and weaknesses. Then we’ll put the results to vote. You’ll pick which combatant will decimate their opponent in the knock-down, drag-out brawl of Cocky & Rude Fight Club! Let’s meet this week’s fighters…
TOM & JERRY
AKA / Alias / Nicknames: Tom Cat and Jerry Mouse, Tom was called “Jasper” and Jerry was known as “Jinx” in their debut appearances First Appearance: February 10th, 1940 in Puss Gets the Boot Created by: William Hanna and Joseph Barbera Place of Birth: Unknown Hair Color: Tom is white and two shades of gray (or blue), Jerry is two shades of brown Species: Cat & Mouse Current Residence: A house Relationship Status: Usually fighting, occasionally friends Occupations (current and/or past): Tom is a house cat, Jerry is vermin Notable Appearances: Television:The Tom and Jerry Show (ABC, 1975),The Tom and Jerry Comedy Show (CBS, 1980–1982),Tom & Jerry Kids (FOX, 1990–1995),Tom and Jerry Tales (The CW, 2006–2008) Movies: Jerry danced with Gene Kelly in the GM musical feature film Anchors Aweigh (1945), Tom and Jerry: The Movie (Turner Pictures/Film Roman/WMG, 1993), A new feature film is rumored to be in production. Height & Weight: Tom weighs approximately 12lbs, Jerry weighs approximately 7 ounces Hobbies: attempting to kill each other Favorite Song: their own theme song Awards: 7 Academy Awards for Best Short Subject: Cartoon Known for: their famous cartoon series Catch Phrases: Tom and Jerry almost never speak Favorite Food: Tom’s favorite food is Jerry, Jerry’s favorite food is cheese Claim to Fame: In 2000, TIME named the series one of the greatest television shows of all time. Favorite curse word: none
First appearing in a 1940 cartoon short, the characters of Tom & Jerry have been a favorite of children everywhere for over 70 years! Tom & Jerry have appeared in a ridiculous amount of theatrical animated shorts, television shows, movies, specials, video games, and more. Although they’re usually at odds with each other, this cat & mouse duo have decided to put their differences aside and enter the C&R Fight Club ring as allies. Their secret weapons include possible invincibility and immortality (after all, they’re still alive after a 70-year battle and don’t look as if they’ve even aged a day), giant hammers, mouse traps, stinky cheese, and wealth of friends and accomplices.
AKA / Alias / Nicknames: Call me “Jer-bear” and I’ll kill you Date of Birth & Age: May 29, 34 Created by: Equal parts luck, genius and boozy, regret-filled night Place of Birth:The City by the Pestilent Sea Hair Color: fleshy white boy Species: hillbilly wearleopard Current Residence: Harlem Relationship Status: desperate Occupations (current and/or past): former journalist, current law student, lifelong professional homosexual Notable Appearances (Film, TV, etc): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3frIKv7X-fM Height & Weight: 1800 calories a day diet Hobbies: voting 1 star for “very poor” on Cocky & Rude posts. Especially those involving cat urine. Favorite Song (this week):Monster by Kanye West [feat. Jay-Z, Rick Ross, Bon Iver, and Nicki Minaj] Awards: “Best BJ of All Time” as acknowledged by several random guys Known for: Inappropriate and unfunny sexual harassment. Catch Phrases: “Hey teen gang, let’s go [insert name of activity we were going to do anyway]!” Favorite Food: Taco Bell Bean Burritos Claim to Fame:Indestructible. Favorite curse word: Justin Bieber’s Cunt!
Little is known about where Jere comes from, what he does with his time, or with whom he associates. This is remarkable because Jere is like the opposite of internet privacy and he frequently broadcasts his whereabouts, activities, thoughts and bowel movements to a world-wide web that largely pays no attention at all. Gossip tabloids have linked him romantically to famous person Tyler Posey of Teen Wolf, but Jere denies these rumors, commenting “I don’t date 20-year-old guys. Anymore.” Jere’s secret weapons include: The fact that he’s a dog person, he hasn’t had rodents in my apartment since the great “humane trap” invasion of fall 2010, he has an unlimited supply of siblings and family member who’ve got his back, and if all else fails, he’ll sue your ass.
Who will win in the battle of Tom & Jerry vs. Jere? Will Tom & Jerry team up and combine their strengths to defeat Jere? Or will Jer-bear sue them to death while screaming “Justin Bieber’s Cunt!” at the top of his lungs? There’s only one rational way to decide which fighter will win this battle. We’re putting this no-holds-barred fight to a vote. The poll will be open for approximately 24 hours, and you may vote as many times as you want. That’s right — we’re not blocking repeat votes, so vote now and vote often for your favorite Cocky & Rude Fight Club opponent.
Check back on Sunday for the results!
Thanks to both Jere and Michelle M. for your assistance with this post!
In case you were not aware, I’m what scientists refer to as a “homosexual.” In layman’s terms, that means that I’m a guy that is sexually attracted to other guys. Females of the species need not apply. And unlike many of my homosexual brothers, I have never tasted (nor stuck my aroused unit into) the mysterious pink wonderland that is known as a “vagina.” Why not? Simply put: vaginas are gross! Here’s 10 reasons why:
1. They’re foreign! What is that thing? It looks like a mess of flappy skin with a hole in the middle. Ew!
In case you haven’t heard … the end of the world is nearly upon us. This Saturday, at 6pm EST, there will be a word-wide earthquake and God will Hoover all of his followers up to heaven. The rest of us sinners and non-believers will then be tormented with “hell on Earth” for 5 months until which time God will completely destroy Earth and the universe on October 21st. That’s all according to the 91-year-old lunatic and president of the evangelical broadcast Family Radio, Harold Camping. He and his followers have been spreading their word all over billboards, newspaper ads, protest signs and bus benches for quite a while now.
So just in case God skips over you when he’s rapturing all his followers up into the clouds (oh, and by the way, Camping hates the gays) … here are 10 suggestions for what you should spend your time doing over the next 5 months.
1. Take out as many loans and accept as many credit card offers as possible. If you’re like me, you get credit card offers in your mailbox almost every day. Why not accept … them all. Also, visit every bank in town and take anything that they’re willing to loan you. It’s not like you’ll ever have to pay any of it back!
2. Quit your job and ignore all of your responsibilities. Jobs are for broke suckers that are planning for their future. You only have 5 more months, and if you followed step #1, you’re loaded. Why deal with those annoying coworkers and all the rest of your non-fun responsibilities if you don’t have to? Quit! Quit immediately!
3. Have lots and lots and lots and lots of sex. Whether it’s with your one true love, or you’re just banging every man, woman or goat in town … do it a lot. Sex feels good, and if you only have 5 more months to enjoy it, then you better start sexifying every willing participant in sight.
4. Only eat food that’s delicious, even if it’s bad for you. Drink a lot, and take up smoking. Maybe even try some drugs. Mmmm cookies, candy, vodka, cigarettes and acid. They’re now the only food groups you need!
5. Spit in the faces of all your enemies. Walk up to them one at a time, and simply spit into their faces. It’ll make you good, I promise.
6. Travel and see everything you’ve always wanted to see. Assuming that all the roads aren’t jammed with other non-believers and the airplane pilots haven’t all been raptured, it’s time to travel. You’re rich, so it’s time to travel the world. Just avoid all of the steamping pits of lava and that whole “hell on Earth” thing.
7. Stop shaving. Oh wait … I hardly ever do that anyway.
8. Break some stuff. Store windows. Church windows. Car windows. All windows. Mirrors, sculptures, crystal vases, plates, art, chandeliers, expensive things, national monuments… they’re all on my list.
9. Punch horrible people in the face. Donald Trump. Sarah Palin. Justin Bieber. George W. Bush. Glenn Beck, Michele Bachmann, Rush Limbaugh, Jay Leno, Muammar Gaddafi. You’re all on my list!
10. Eat meat. See what you’ve been missing all this time. It’s all gunna die anyway…
11. OOPS! And I almost forgot: Spend a lot of time with the people you love. So what are you going to do during the next (and last) five months of your life? Assuming, of course, that God doesn’t slurp you up to heaven tomorrow.
Looking for a little dirt on your potential online date? Trying to figure out the ages and birthdays of your secretive coworkers? Or maybe you just wanna find out how much of an online footprint you’re leaving. Whatever your stalking desires, don’t just let your search begin and end on Facebook. There are many other resources on the net to aid in your personal information hunt. Here’s a few pointers:
1. Look Beyond Facebook Just because Facebook is the hot social network right now, doesn’t mean that it’s the only one out there. Most ‘net users still have a LinkedIn account or a MySpace page that they’ve forgotten about. You might also want to check Twitter to see what they’ve been tweeting about. Branch out a little.
2. Google ‘em
When you search Google, you’re likely to get a lot of unwanted results, but try narrowing your search a little bit. Adding quotes around a name, adding or removing a middle name (or initial) or using nicknames might be the key. Also try searching Google Images. You might be surprised by what comes up.
3. Find Their Photos
Looking for some more photos of your victim? After all … you might not want to go on a blind date if you find out that they’re ugly. And photos of your coworker before she had that nose job might still be floating around somewhere. Try searching Flickr, Picasa or another photosharing wsite.
4. People Search Search engines like WebMii, 123People and Pipl can do some of the work for you. These free people searches will help you crawl the net and stalk to your heart’s content.
5. Are They Looking For Love? Why not poke around a site like Match.com or PlentyOfFish to see if they have a dating profile. Most sites don’t let you search for free, but you can always create a free dummy profile for yourself? And if Facebook didn’t clue you in to whether or not that cute delivery boy likes boys, this probably will tell you the truth.
6. Find Their Phone Number This can be a little hit or miss, now that the pesky National Do Not Call Registry is out there for anyone and everyone to join. But give the online yellow and white pages a try anyway at sites like AnyWho, WhitePages, or PhoneNumber.com. Then all you have to do is call them and breath really heavy why they threaten to call the police. People love that!
7. Find Their Home Address Why call them when you can know where they live? My favorite site for this is ZabaSearch — it’s a great way to find people’s addresses.
8. Google Map It! Once you’ve found your victim’s address … why not virtually tour their neighborhood with Google Street View? You might even find their car in the driveway. And if you’re really lucky, they’ll have been mowing the front lawn without a shirt on when the Google van drove by. Grrrooowwwwlll!
9. Find Out How Much They Paid Now that you’ve got an address, check out Zillow to see how much they paid for their home. You’ll also find out when they bought it, how much it’s worth, and the taxes that they’ve been paying.
10. Hide In Their Bushes By now you’ve probably seen their photos, discovered their sexual preference, and found out their phone number, address, house value, age, and a wealth of other knowledge. Why not just hide in their bushes? You’d be surprised how much you can learn about someone when you’re peeking in their windows*.
*I’m joking. Please don’t do this. Yes Polt, we’re talking to you.
Presidents are weird and magical creatures. That is why we have a federal holiday that celebrates and commemorates them. It was originally going to be called “Super Leader of the World Day,” but the superhero lobby successfully got Congress to pass the 1978 Hero Act, which limits the use of the word “super” to references of masked vigilantes and beings of extra-human capacity. This also lead to the renaming of “Super Vagina Birth Giver Day,” “Super Semen Supplier Day,” and “Super Man from Beyond the Grave.”
The very first president to be honor with this day was Boy George. His daring use of makeup, dreadlocks, and black hats inspired a generation of Americans to wear what they wanted to wear. His biggest impact was on Joan Cusack’s character in Working Girl. Ms. Cusack spent fifteen hours each day getting multiple layers of eye shadow applied to her eyes during the production of that movie. She has stated, “If not for Boy George’s invention of the rainbow brow, my character would have been done up like some old school marm.” Boy George’s enigmatic lyrics confound advanced scholars of pop music, but have undoubtedly inspired generations of poets like Maya Angelou and that other guy. Boy George also cut down a cherry tree to make a cherry pie when he was a child. History has shown that you don’t actually need to cut down the entire tree to make the pie, rather one needs only the fruit, but Boy George’s decision to tell the truth rather than lie to his mum, Queen Elizabeth II, is often lauded as a sign of integrity. Today we call that just plan stupid.
The other important presidents to honor on this day off are the ones with the weird names: Grover Cleveland, Millard Fillmore, and Bill Clinton. Grover Cleveland’s name is funny to say, but if repeated three times very quickly it will invoke a friendly spirit named Charlie. Charlie is very quick to point out that he has no relation to Grover Cleveland and he will ask you to contact the spiritual authorities to have his incantation changed to that of Rutherford B. Hayes, whom he feels has a more pleasant name for repetition. Millard Fillmore is of no relation to the music venue in San Francisco, because he is not now, nor has he ever been a homosexual. In fact, Fillmore is so non-homosexual he had regular heterosexual orgies on the front lawn of the White House a practice that was revived by our final honoree: William Jefferson Clinton. Clinton can’t help that he has such a bizarre name, but what he lost in name caché he did make up for in masculine prowess. Rumored to have a ten inch member, Clinton was a staunch supporter of a woman’s right to choose, even saying “if we don’t let women have abortions, I would have far more illegitimate kids than Henry VIII did.” Clinton is also said to have seduced thirty lesbians away from the homosexual lifestyle, which is a record for a man from Arkansas.
I hope you now know a little bit more about our presidents than you did yesterday, or the day before that, or the day before that even. You may now know far more about the presidents than they themselves actually know about themselves, but every word of this blog is verifiable. I had an extensive discussion with the homeless man who lives outside of my public library just last week and he told me all of these things were based upon books he stole from the library collection to use for toilet paper. If you don’t believe that he or I am telling the truth, you are turning your back on our growing problem of homelessness, which is not very presidential of you at all.