Welcome to the 8th week of Biggest C&R Loser 2013! This year we’ll be keeping all of the results and placings secret until the end of the contest. We’ll also be pooling our cash to award the 2013 winner the largest prize we’ve ever awarded … a whopping $40! This week’s theme is “TEMPTATION” – Everyone is tempted by something (food, laziness, sleep) when they should be eating healthy and exercising. What tempts the contestants? Let’s find out!
So this week, it’s Temptation. My biggest temptation is: Gay Porn. ‘Well DUH!’ I can hear you all saying now, but I mean as it relates to this contest. See, if I give in to the temptation of the uncounted amount of gay porn on the Internet, then I spend time watching that and NOT out walking. And after watching gay porn, I’m generally in need of replenishing my…energies. So I eat. And usually it’s snacky-stuff, that’s not healthy for me. So if I could resist the gay porn, I could be exercising more and eating better. …..but yeah, we ALL know that ain’t gonna happen.
My temptations are books, I’m either reading one (Don’t ya love my snazzy red e-reader?) or writing one and Chapman’s oatmeal cookies and chocolate ice-cream sandwiches. But they were on sale. How could I not buy them? I’m just a lazy ass all around. I should be up doing something useful and energetic, but I’d rather surf the net and do reading-type stuff. Which would explain why there is no way in hell I am winning the $40.
I’ve mostly been eating what I want. I’ve gotten over my cravings for sweets (fairly easy) and for salty snack foods (harder). But what I’m so so SO tempted by is caffeinated coffee. My physician took me off caffeine last summer, and I’ve been successful staying off. But man, when I get behind on grading papers, get up early to get work done before the kids wake up, and I’m sipping my third cup of decaf wondering why it isn’t doing it for me…dang. I’ve been jonesing for caffeine pretty badly lately.
Lately I’ve been tempted to actually lose weight. I’ve been considering a visit to the gym. I’ve even thought about counting calories. Maybe I’ll actually succumb to the temptation!!
What tempts me? My inner child. Grown up me knows she should eat right and exercise, but my inner child is quite the little temptress. What she says pretty much goes.
My number one temptation is take out. Living in NYC it is sooooo easy to order anything to your door, but that doesn’t necessarily mean you will eat well. At least once a week I am tired enough to think about ordering…but my brain denies it.
I get tempted so easily. Mostly by peanut butter and anything else that starts with the word, “Reese’s.” Late at night when I’m watching Chelsea Lately, I think that should be exercising. Instead, I just close my eyes and imagine that I am Mena Suvari in American Beauty, being showered with rose petals. Except that it’s me instead of Mena, and I’m being showered with jars of PB. And then I get hit in the head and wake up. Then it’s time for bed.
My biggest temptation is eating delicious quick unhealthy foods. I’m a sucker for pizza. Making healthy choices is more expensive and more work, and I’m just lazy I guess.
Not unlike the last episode of Galaxy Quest before it went off the air, the last installment I drew of The Adventures of Super Viagra and Vagina Girl lay unfinished and with a whopper of a cliffhanger. Here I wish to present it to you for the first time:
There we have it folks. The Omega 13 of the Super Viagra and Vagina Girl universe.
What do you think happened?
This week has been an exercise in frustration. I’ve been trying to sign up for a class at the local community college (digital art, in case you care. Or don’t.) and have been met with one obstacle after another. So annoying! Anyway, the whole experience got me thinking about all the other things that irritate the hell out of me. And there are soooo many. Here is a sampling:
1. Dealing with the medical profession. Doctors, pharmacists, insurance people – they’re all out to get me. I had to switch pharmacies recently, and to make a long story short, it’s been a major pain in the ass. As of now, I am out of pills (for hypothyroidism, in case you care. Or don’t). Aggravating!
2. Football players with long hair. It’s not the long hair that bothers me. Long hair can be quite nice.
Exhibit A:
It’s when it trails out from under a helmet that it bugs me. It’s so untidy. Tuck that shiz up!
3. Votives. Why is it that when Harry and I go out for dinner, our votive is never lit? Is it a conspiracy? Do I need to start carrying around matches? Must I do everything myself? Jesus Christ.
4. Tags. They are itchy, abrasive and a plague to my existence. I end up cutting them out, which is why the backs of my shirts/sweaters always have holes in them. Grrr.
5. Recipe changes. I swear, any dish I enjoy at a restaurant is eventually discontinued or is changed.
For example, the chicken noodle soup at Panera Bread. It used to be very tasty and when served with a roll on the side made for a very satisfying meal. But Panera decided to make their soup more nutritious/healthy. Now the broth is watery, the noodles are flimsy and I might as well be eating Campbell’s. BOO!
6. Lids. I can’t open them. Why do they have to be screwed on so tight? What am I going to do when/if I outlive Harry? I’m going to die of starvation, an old, bony woman, surrounded by unopened jars and bottles. How tragic.
So, those are just some of the things that have been ticking me off lately. What’s been grinding your gear? Let me know in comments.
Last month I announced that one lucky C&R reader would win 100 GRAND*! That’s right —
100 GRAND*! Woohoo! To win, all you had to do was submit a photo of the
ugliest thing that you own. Behold, the submissions (click to enlarge):
Art: A small art print that freaks the hell out of anyone that sees it as evidenced
by the continuous inquiries of “What the hell is that?”
Chair: This chair with green and gold eagles on white upholstery is
perfect example of mid ’70s interior decor!
Flower: This is a Calla lily that I bought for Thanksgiving.
Clearly you can tell that it is no longer in peak condition.
Light bulb: Neon-orange creepy-looking incandescent light bulb that screams
mid ’90s German-techno-punk-just-rolled-off-of-Bjork-music-video-set-sex-toy.
Puppy: 21″ tall ceramic white poodle with a plastic jewel encrusted collar.
It sits next to my front door, which it guards with its fluffy ferocity.
Purse: I was in the local drug store when the purse caught my eye.
I couldn’t believe my eyes. It was hideous. I had to buy it.
T-Shirt: That is a whoooole lot of ugly. Except Kari.
Now it’s up to you to decide who wins. The poll will remain open until Friday around noon. One vote per IP address. Winner will be announced Sunday, prize will be mailed within 3 months of announcement. Good luck / Thank you / Congratulations / Whatevah!
*100 Grand refers to a single, standard size 100 Grand candy bar.
Last week Mr. M. and I were in La Jolla (where the wealthy, the great white shark and Ryan sans cupcake live). While we were waiting at a stoplight a scraggly man with a cup of coffee crossed the street in front of us. We pondered whether he was currently without home or perhaps just a scruffy engineer type. It was then that Harry came up with the game, homeless, hacker or hipster. While I know it is wrong to make light of the homeless*, I am going to hell anyway – so here’s how to play: the person in each photo is either homeless**, a hacker or a hipster. Let me know in the comments what they are and Harry and I will make a donation in the winner’s name to Father Joe’s villages.
*hipsters deserve to be made fun of.
**Here’s a bunch of famous people were once homeless.
1.) a. homeless b. hacker c. hipster
2.) a. homeless b. hacker c. hipster
3.) a. homeless b. hacker c. hipster
4.) a. homeless b. hacker c. hipster
5.) a. homeless b. hacker c. hipster
6.) a. homeless b. hacker c. hipster
7.) a. homeless b. hacker c. hipster
8.) a. homeless b. hacker c. hipster
9.) a. homeless b. hacker c. hipster
10.) a. homeless b. hacker c. hipster
11.) a. homeless b. hacker c. hipster
12.) a. homeless b. hacker c. hipster
13.) a. homeless b. hacker c. hipster
14.) a. homeless b. hacker c. hipster
15.) a. homeless b. hacker c. hipster
I will give the answers and announce the winner tomorrow in this post’s comments section.
 | Tasha on 10 Reasons Why Vaginas Are… |
 | Alexus on 10 Reasons Why Vaginas Are… |
| Alexus on 10 Reasons Why Vaginas Are… |
| Vagina. on 10 Reasons Why Vaginas Are… |
 | goblinbox on Biggest C&R Loser 201… |
 | Order Now! Fool Me T… on Commenter Cocktails! |
 | Jones sabo and maybe… on What Animal Are You? |
 | MsElenath on 10 Reasons Why Vaginas Are… |
Things That CREEP Me Out
Here are ten things that CREEP me the hell out:
Old timey dolls. What were people thinking in the olden days? Were they trying to scare their children to death? Who would want to wake up to see those evil little faces staring at you? The one above wants to swallow my soul.
Speaking of scaring children to death, jack in the boxes are another way to do it.
The anticipation of that thing popping out is enough to give me a heart attack.
Mayonnaise. SO GROSS! Barf!
Eyeballs. Specifically, touching or operating on them. The Lasik scene from Final Destination 5 almost did me in.
Bar soap*. Especially that slimy gunk between the bar of soap and the soap dish. Gag!
*More on this on a future post.
Mummies. I DON’T WANT TO SEE THAT! EVER! Put that thing back where you found it! (Plus, they carry curses).
Mold, eeeeeeeeeeeew!
Long toenails. Revolting! Clip that shiz before I lose my lunch!
(Also gross: long fingernails on men and those Lamisil toe fungus commercials).
Candle wax on birthday cake. And it gets on the best part – the frosting! I always worry that someone is going to blow too hard on the candles and spray that damn wax everywhere. If I’m in charge of candles, I put them all in one corner so the rest of the cake doesn’t get wax cooties.
Roaches. make. my. skin. Crawl.
So there you have it – ten things that I find utterly disgusting. Runners up were: hairy drain clogs,
hoarders, John Malkovich, porta potties and rotting, never brushed teeth.
What creeps you out? Let me know in comments!
Rate this:
Share this:
Like this: