Breaking Bad! How did I not know how great this show is?? AMC was having a marathon of Breaking Bad beginning with the first episode, so Harry and I decided to watch and see if we liked it. And it’s awesome! It’s been all Breaking Bad all the time around here. I’m going to be sad when we catch up and we only get one a week. So, if you’re not watching, you should start, yo. -Michelle M.
A Conversation With My 12 Year Old Self: 20th Anniversary Edition. This is great. I love the condescension to himself. -Ryan
Frank Ocean‘s Bad Religion on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. I just discovered his music last week, and I’m excited to see him promote his new album with a performance of an unambiguously gay song. -Ryan
One of my favorite things this week was air conditioning! Especially in the bedroom where, coupled with a fan, I was pleasantly cool and comfortable during sleep while the world outside cooked in overnight temps in the high 80s! God bless the inventor of air conditioning! -Polt
The Rockie Mountains. They are as amazing in real life as in pictures. Granted, not as much wildlife as I’d hoped, but still an amazing sight everyone should see once in a lifetime. The 2000km round trip drive is worth it. -Tam
Earlier this week, I got something that brightened my entire week: A post card from Vancouver! I LOVE getting postcards from people when they’re on vacation and Tam is great at doing this. Just like this time. Although when she sent me one from San Francisco, it had a half-nekked guy on it. NOT that I’m complaining about this one being just a scenic landscape. nope, not at all. -Polt
And finally a video that has been making the rounds this week, it’s Paris-based electro new wave pop band The Aikiu, performing Pieces of Gold. I’ll let the (NSFW?) video speak for itself! -Adam
Craig’s Runners Up: Anticipation for the season premiere of Breaking Bad this Sunday, Tara’s sexy vamp outfit on True Blood, air conditioning, Lord of the Rings LEGOs, Amy Poehler, and Hardcore gay pornography.
It’s Friday … and that can only mean one thing. It’s time for the Friday Five, MOTHAFUDGERS!
First up this week is the breaking news that a company called Applied Clean Tech has developed a system that makes paper from sewage! Apparently 99.9% of what comes through municipal waste water treatments systems is nasty-ass black and grey “water” … but that other .1% is a goldmine! It’s made up mostly of food waste, toilet paper and clothing fibers. Once cleaned, these “solids” can be transformed into a whole new type of paper. It’s an interesting idea … but I’m not sure if paper made of shit will really catch on. Cuz it’s made of shit. S-h-i-t.
Is your vagina white enough? Apparently in India, it’s rather important for your vagina to be as shiny and as white as possible. I had no idea, but I guess there’s a hierarchy of skin tone within the Indian community. “As if it isn’t bad enough that darker-skinned people are encouraged to stay out of the sun and invest in skin-bleaching products like Fair & Lovely, and that white actresses are being imported to play Indian people in Bollywood movies, now everyone has to be insecure about the fact that their vaginas happen to be the color that vaginas are?” On the one hand, this is deeply disturbing … on the other, it’s oddly hilarious (for people with sick senses of humor like me). Check out this commercial for Clean and Dry Intimate Wash:
Wednesday night I went to see David Sedaris! He’s one of my favorite authors, and whenever his tour makes its way to central Jersey I do my best to make it to one of his readings. This was my third time, and he never fails to amuse. The entire audience laughed for 90 minutes straight. I just love him so much!
Forth on the weekly list of five is something mindless and stupid (JUST LIKE ME!) … it’s the … wait for it … PROCATINATOR! It doesn’t even really require explanation … just click here. Wait until you’re amused, and then hit refresh. Hit refresh again. Now come back to C&R. OMG I’m in heaven. Since I discovered Procatinator, I’ve visited at least 1000 times a day. Seriously. I’m totally serial.
And finally this week is a web video so amazing that it deserves an introduction by none other than Michelle M.: “Sweet Brown! Oh Lord Jesus, I love her.” And I love you, Michelle M.! I nominate Sweet Brown for Monday Muse 2012! Check her out here:
This week’s Five contained paper made out of human shit, sparkling white vaginas, David Sedaris, animated cat .gifs with music, and SWEET BROWN!
OH LORD JESUS! I smell barbeque and that means I must run from my computer! Now I got bronchitis! Ain’t nobody got time for that! Thank the FSM that the Friday Five is complete!
This week’s runners up: The return of The Big C and Nurse Jackie, Harry M. accepting my Facebook friend request, pizza, avocados, vacation requests, Kathy Griffin, Dawson’s Creek, Party of Five, unsweetened iced tea, and hardcore gay pornography. DUCK! (a reference from season 5)
Much like the ‘Friday Five’, the ‘Thursday Four’ is an exploration of great things. …except there are four things instead of five. …and it’s Thursday and not Friday. …and it doesn’t really have the same ring as ‘Friday Five’. OH WELL! This week Michelle M. and I got together (figuratively, not literally) to present these four great things to you. Read ‘em and weep, suckers!
1. Grooming myself! (and having other people groom me.) This week I trimmed my beard really short, AND got a haircut! I look marvelous! I’d post a photo, but I’ve gotten so fat that I hardly look like myself anymore. (Hurray for BC&RL3!) Either that or I’m just super lazy tonight. ANYWAY — I love having a closely shorn head and face. Is that weird? -Adam
Fuck you, Chris Christie!
2. Chris Christie vetoed gay marriage! After I’ve finally gotten over the fact that he fired every teacher in NJ, I needed a new reason to hate that fat Republican fuck. And he did not disappoint — last week he vetoed gay marriage! Yay Chris Christie! Now I have a reason hate you forever. If I ever see you in person, I promise to spit on you. People just don’t spit on each other enough these days. Unless they need emergency lubrication — but that’s a whole ‘nother story. -Adam
3.Downton Abbey* – what a great show. Season two has just ended, but there will be a season three, and Shirley MacLaine will play Lady Cora’s mother. Yay! Here is a clip from Saturday Night Live if you haven’t been watching and would like a rundown on the show. – Michelle M.
They see me rollin', they hatin', patrollin' Tryin' to catch me ridin' dirty.
4. And look! There are Downton Abbey paper dolls, in case you’re going through DA withdrawal like me. I love the faces for the Chicken Lady, er, Dowager Countess, O’Brien’s evil soap and Mr. Pamuk. – Michelle M.
Runners up: The Good Wife*, reusable shopping bags, complaining, spending other people’s money, liquid wart remover,lazy posts, pregnant ladies, selling crap on eBay, adorably tiny bottles of diet soda, eating like a pig before BC&RL3, and hardcore gay pornography.
Merry Christmas Eve Eve! Let’s celebrate the day before the day before FMS‘s birthday with your favorite Friday five-centric blog feature … The Friday Five!
#1. Sweet Cinnamon Wheat Thins are amazing! Never heard of them? I haven’t either! Apparently it’s only a limited edition flavor … so try them soon and stock up. The sweetness, the cinnamon, the saltiness, the crunch, the Wheat Thin … it’s like a party in my face.
#2. I’m Ready For Christmas because I’m organized, well-prepared and just downright awesome. My gifts are wrapped, my cards have been sent, my gifts have been mailed. Christmas usually stresses me the eff out, but this year — I’m less-stressed and ready to get this holiday over with.
#3. Presents! We’re days away from present-day! I’ve already gotten a few gifts, and most of them are pretty damn great. Really, what can be better than free stuff that comes wrapped? Oh, and giving gifts is pretty good too or whatever.
#4. Blog’n in 2012 is looking up. Most of the C&Rmy slacked off in 2011. The field is littered with a number of abandoned blogs, false starts, lackluster posts and abandoned promises. But as we turn the corner towards the new year, two new blogs from our old friends have emerged! Check out Michelle M.’s Cooper blog at Cooper’s Corner AND Craig’s new TV discussion blog at Our T.V. Night (hit refresh a whole bunch of times to check out the different banner graphics).
#5. We’re days away from A Cocky & Rude Christmas Carol … are you excited? Do you care? The C&R-style take on Charles Dickens’ classic tale will post in six parts beginning on Christmas day. You know the classic story … but do you know this story? Find out December 25-30th.
Guess what? It’s Friday! Yippie Skippy! This week Michelle and I decided to each contribute 2.5 Friday favorites to everyone’s favorite Cocky & Rude Friday feature: It’s The Friday Five!
1) American Horror Story.(Michelle) Why are there flies on those apples…? My favorite show of the new season! The storyline keeps moving along with neat little twists. Last night’s was fantastic – too bad I had already read about it on the internet . Jessica Lange plays my favorite character. She does a wonderful job playing someone you love to hate and hate to love. Tate and Moira are other characters that tread the line between sympathetic and despicable. Guest spots by Mena Suvari, Zachary Quinto and Eric Stonestreet keep the show fresh. And there’s just the right amount of gruesome to satisfy this horror fan. If you’re not watching, you should be.
2)Hot chocolate. (Michelle) Hurray! It’s hot chocolate season. I like to throw a couple Hershey’s kisses in mine to make it extra chocolatey. And a splash of peppermint schnapps doesn’t hurt either.
3) This.(Michelle)
3.5) This.(Adam) (Even though everyone has already seen it because I shared it on Facebook.) (And even though it’s missing an apostrophe.) It’s so funny!
4) The Hunger Games trilogy. (Adam) Mikey raved about it … so I decided to give it a chance. Ever since I graduated from college (with a bachelor’s degree in English) I’ve strayed away from that whole ‘reading’ thing. I few books here and there, but overall I’m a book burnout. I started reading the first book in Montreal and (according to my Kindle) I’m now 61% of the way through the third. It’s a lot of fun (even though it’s a young adult series) and I can’t wait for the movie! Have you seen the trailer yet? It looks sooooo good!
5) Chinese Food. (Adam) I recently discovered that my local Chinese Restaurant’s recipes for vegetable lo mein and spring rolls are vegan (or so they claim), and now I can’t get enough! Noodles, broccoli, weird looking mushrooms that they probably found growing in the sludge next to the dumpster, assorted other mystery vegetables … omg! Spring rolls stuffed with random nondescript and often colorless vegetables all coated in a crispy deep-fried shell? PLUS they claim that it’s all “healthy” Chinese food! Who cares if they’re lying? Nom nom nom nom nom nom nom!!
Runners Up This Week: staying in bed until 5 minutes before you’re supposed to leave for work (because the bed is warm and the apartment is cold) and then running around like a maniac to get ready, snuggling with Spring until she attacks, getting surprise gifts in the mail from Michelle M., getting calendars in the mail from Polt, Beavis & Butt-Head, and of course: hardcore gay pornography.
Hey everybody! Craig from Puntabulous here! LOL, remember when I used to blog? Anyway, I’m here to bring an end to the week of awesomeness Craig that’s been going on here at Cocky & Rude this week. So I’m here to bring you my very own Friday Five!
1. My Birthday. Being thirty is awesome! Never mind the fact that I was supposed to be a published author, married, and with children by now! Look how much better than that I am! I stopped blogging, I can’t remember the last time I went on a real date, and I hate kids! Perfect! And when it’s your birthday, your friends write about you on their vastly superior updated blogs and people who put you into headlocks in junior high now wish you happy birthday cause you’re friends on Facebook now even though you still hate them! Yay!
2. Presents. Yeah, this should be rolled into the first item, but STFU. STOP. I haven’t blogged in a while and I’m still trying to get back in my groove. STOP. I don’t even know what the fuck I’m typing on. STOP. This one of those telegrams all the kids are talking about these days, right? STOP. Anyway, besides the requisite Tanqueray and Amazon gift cards, I also got this retro game emulator which is amazing! STOP. I don’t know how my parents knew I would love such a thing! STOP. Aren’t they awesome? STOP. (I ordered it for them with their credit card.) STOP. NO REALLY, STOP. THE STOP JOKE GOT LAME EIGHT STOPS AGO.
3. Television. What, you thought since I don’t blog about TV you don’t care about on my blog means I can’t blog about TV you don’t care about on other people’s blogs?! Think again! I’m still all about television. This years new shows of amazingness are Revenge and Once Upon a Time. Revenge is just so deliciously soapy and OMG there was gay sex last week, I love it! And Once Upon a Time is so sweet and cheesy it reminds me of Merlin starring Sam Neill which I love with all my heart. Ringer sucks, but I’m still watching it, and Glee is (mostly) good this season!
4. The Christmas Season is here! Fuck every single one of you who complains about seeing Christmas decorations in stores. This is the best part of the fucking year. First there is Halloween, then my birthday, then Thanksgiving, then Christmas! It’s like 3 months of complete awesomeness! So why not celebrate said awesomeness with an electric keyboard and clarinet version of All I Want for Christmas is You while strolling through your local mall, all decked out in fake snow?
5. Cocky & Rude. A whole week dedicated to yours truly?! Where the fuck else are you going to see such awesomeness? Brought to your face by the minds of Michelle M. and Adam! And let’s face it, even if you exclude this week of Craig, Cocky & Rude is prety damn fun every single frakking day. Also, Adam gives the best dating advice on the face of the planet. When I told him about the possibility of an upcoming date he gave these words of wisdom: “Make sure you fuck him!” and “Just get in there. You’re old now! The clock’s ticking! Fuck him on the first date!” Isn’t he romantic?
Runners Up: Peach cobbler, having my own mantle to put birthday cards on, Mikey and Ty’s public adoration of each other from continents away, & hardcore gay pornography.
I just looked at the calendar, and ya know what I found? It’s Friday. And here at C&R, that can only mean one thing. We’re all going to sing Rebecca Black songs! It’s time for the Friday Five:
1. The New TV Season! Nearly all of the new shows this season are sucking some major shit… but Terra Nova was pretty good. Did you watch it? (Yea, yea, it’s sci-fi on Fox so I give it about half a season before they cancel it.) To make up for the lackluster crop of new shows, there’s plenty of great returning series that I’m excited about. Breaking Bad has been breathtakingly amazing! Plus It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Parks & Recreation, Fringe, Happy Endings, and Modern Family are all going strong. And I still love Glee, no matter what you say!
2. Andy Rooney is stepping down from 60 Minutes at the tender age of 472. Slacker! I hate lazy people that decide to retire early. They’re all so smug and rich. Ugh! Hate that! And who is Andy Rooney, anyway? I’m 31 … does anyone my age watch 60 Minutes? After a little bit of research, I’ve discovered that he’s a crotchety old geezer with ridiculous eyebrows. Jesus, man! Trim your forehead bush! Here’s some funny videos that make fun of Andy Rooney:
3. Taking personal days off of work is pretty great! I’ve worked at the same company for about 50 years, and I don’t think I’ve ever just taken a personal day. I’ve pre-scheduled ‘personal time’ before, but I’ve never just called out of work without lying about an illness. “Hey, it’s Adam … I’m going to take a personal day today. Call me if you need me … I’ll see you tomorrow.” It’s great! You should try it! I did it on Wednesday, so I could take a nap in the afternoon before training my way to NYC to have dinner with Mr. Sombrero and a friend. By the way, my favorite (made up) sick day excuse: “Hey it’s Adam. I’m going to take a sick day today. I’ve been up all night … the diarrhea is just awful. I must have food poisoning or something. It’s all over the walls of my apartment. I think it might even be on the ceiling. Oh God! I gotta go! See ya tomorrow!” I actually did that. It received a few hearty chuckles.
4. Beards. I find beards on guys to be incredibly sexy. And I mean facial hair — not a gay guy’s fake girlfriend that’s on him. Just to clear that up. Anyway — I’ve never really had a beard for more than a couple weeks before. I always end up getting frustrated (because they’re either itchy or begin to act like a drool sponge when I’m sleeping) but I’m totally over my beard’s itchy/sponginess. All you gotta do is wipe your face off when you wake up. Use an absorbent material like a paper towel or your boyfriend’s sheet. It works great! Yea, so I’m rock’n a beard right now. And I look goooood.
5. Apples are in season! Woohoo! With the beginning of autumn comes apple season. Yay, cheap delicious fruit at the grocery store! My three favorite apples are: 1. Jazz, 2. Honeycrisp and 3. Fuji. Someone bake me some vegan apple crisp with a side of vegan apple pie! Yum! I hope that apartment that Tam’s renting in NYC next weekend has an oven … so she can bake for me! Yay!
That’s it bitches! My five favorites of the week are: TV, Andy Rooney, Taking Personal Days, Beards and Apples! What a loverly assortment of favorite things. I’m totally more creative than that queefing madwoman or that other chick that doesn’t read C&R. Runners up this week: free food, reading, regularly cleaning your toilet, bursts of energy, fancy nail clippers, my Kindle, exclamation points, masturbating and hardcore gay porn. Woohoo!
First up this week is the breaking news that a company called Applied Clean Tech has developed a system that makes 
Merry Christmas Eve Eve! Let’s celebrate the day before the day before 
. Jessica Lange plays my favorite character. She does a wonderful job playing someone you love to hate and hate to love. Tate and Moira are other characters that tread the line between sympathetic and despicable. Guest spots by Mena Suvari, Zachary Quinto and Eric Stonestreet keep the show fresh. And there’s just the right amount of gruesome to satisfy this horror fan. If you’re not watching, you should be.
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