I’ve always had a guilty conscious.  In elementary school when the teacher would scold the whole class for Nancy’s eraser, I’d feel guilty.  Of course I hadn’t stolen it, but I’d sit there as my face became hotter and hotter, avoiding eye contact.  I probably looked so guilty that the teacher just assumed it was me.

Little did she know that I’ve never done anything wrong in my whole life.  (Aside from a few moving violations,) I’ve never cheated on a test, stolen a candy bar, or snuck into a movie.  I even tell the check-out person when I notice that they forgot to ring one of my items.  If I was to do something wrong, the guilt would probably overwhelm me.  I’d either curl into the fetal position and cry or my head would simply just explode.

That isn’t to say that I haven’t planned perfect crimes in my mind.  I just don’t carry them out.  Here’s three of my favorite Perfect Crimes:

The Reusable Shopping Bag Caper
If you’re like me, you drag those reusable shopping bags along with you every time that you go to the grocery store.  Next time your fingers are feeling slippery, just bring a few extra bags.  Let’s say that you’re buying enough groceries to fill two bags.  Bring four.  As you shop, pick out a few pricey items that come in slim packaging (memory cards, video games, DVD, Blu-ray discs, music CDs, etc.).  Discreetly locate and remove their magnetic alarm tags and slip them into the bottom of your unused bags. Fold up the bags around the soon-to-be-free merchandise and toss them back into your cart.  When you check out your groceries, just be sure not to use those bags.  “Oops, I guess I bought too many bags!”

The Case of the Ship Center Smuggler
Most people that work at office supply stores do their stealing through the front door.  They load up their purses and backpacks and walk out the door.  Pesky managers are always on the lookout for this common swiping technique.  Instead, get a job at the store and request to work at the ship center.  Then you can simply package up your stolen goods!  Have an accomplice come to the store and ship the items to their own house (you don’t want your own name showing up on the evening Ship Center log).  Wait a few days for the shipper to act as your middle-man, and then enjoy your free stolen goods as they’re delivered straight to your door!

A Chilling Case For Murder
I’ve mentioned this on C&R before, but the perfect way to murder someone is with an icicle.  I don’t know why they don’t do it more often on Law & Order!  Think about it — ice doesn’t hold on to your finger prints and it melts!  It’s an untraceable weapon. And don’t worry if it’s too warm outside to find your murder weapon. Just buy an icicle ice cube tray, and you can murder all summer long!

Oh wait — did I just give you step by step instructions for how to steal and murder?  I didn’t mean to!  Please don’t steal anything or murder anyone I like… I’ll feel too guilty.  Instead, tell me all about your perfect crimes in the comments!