I was paging through the latest issue of Details magazine and I don’t know why, but this article caught my eye.
It’s all about The Six Fastest Ways To Get Ripped; which are (1) pull-ups, (2) bench presses, (3) squats, (4) farmers walks*, (5) military presses* and (6) deadlifts*. BUT I DISAGREE! That list is complete bullshit.
Here’s my list of The Fastest 6 Ways to Get Ripped:
1. Have good genes.
2. Exercise 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
3. Take lots of steroids.
4. Never eat anything that tastes good.
5. When the photographer comes, make sure you’re super tan, dehydrated, and covered in oil.
6. Make sure that they Photoshop the crap out of you so you look perfect!
CONGRATULATIONS! Now you are super ripped and everyone wants to have sex with you!
*You may be wondering WTF farmers walks, military presses and deadlifts are. I have no idea. If I had actually read the article, I could probably tell you.
This week I crowdsourced a fabulous new Friday Five for you to enjoy … check it out!
I can’t decide between Downton Abbey and Homeland so I’m picking both! So let’s just say that it’s shows everyone raves about that I’m finally seeing. Yay for being cutting edge and relevant! Downton Abbey is like Pride and Prejudice meets a juicy soap opera. Mmmm, juicy. And Homeland is so good and complicated I have no idea who I’m supposed to root for. Mmmm, rooty. - Craig
For me , it’s a tie. 1), Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser 3 is now over, now more weekly blurbs or embarrassing weigh-in. And 2) I FINALLY GOT THE PURPLE LINE IN THE BC&RL3 WEIGHT LOSS GRAPH! I don’t care where I finished, getting the purple line means I won. So there! 
– Polt
My cool thing this week is seeing my first e-book cover with my name and the book title on it. Yes, I’ve had a couple of short stories, but the covers were generic, no names. This is the first time my name is on a specific cover. Yes, yes, there will be a few of us with the same cover for this particular series, but still – my name is right there, on his abs! Le sigh. He’s kind of pretty. So props to cover artist Reese Dante and I’m a bit thrilled to have a real cover. Fun stuff. (July 28 – buy it, make me rich!) – Tam
Cute animal videos. I don’t even want to know how much time I waste watching this nonsense. If you have 17 seconds to waste, this is for you: -Michelle M.One amazing five this week has to be yesterday’s ruling about the constitutionality of parts of the odiously named Defense of Marriage Act. The ruling doesn’t state that we lowly homos have the right to marry, but it does say that the Federal government doesn’t have the right to force the states to discriminate against us. The ruling will undoubtedly head to the Supreme Court….and given the controversy, it will be one of the final things they rule on in the next court session. Tune at the end of NEXT June for the results. Until then do what I am going to do, drink a celebratory toast and get married. – Mikey
That’s our Friday Five … What’s Yours?!
Our ninth week is complete! Today our contestants celebrate nine weeks into the cockiest and rudest weight loss competition evahhhh! It’s Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser 3!
As we begin the 10th week of BC&RL3, we check in with each of our contestants with the simple question: How are you feeling? Good? Bad? Indifferent? Anything? Here’s what they had to say…
Adam
If one word could encompass how I am feeling, it’s FRUSTRATION. I eat well, I exercise (occasionally) and yet it seems to be increasingly difficult for me to lose weight. WTF! I’m so sick of this … I’m ready to just give up and become one of those blobby people in WALL•E.
Michelle M.
I would say I’m feeling optimistic. Even though I seem to have hit a plateau, I’m almost halfway to my goal. And that’s without exercising! My next step is to start moving around so I can drop the rest of the weight before summer begins.
Mikey
I’m a sad puppy because I haven’t lost nearly as much weight as I would like…and because I’m eating too much crap! I blame stress, work, and Adam. Why can’t we live in a world were foods that make you fat tasted like rotting shark flesh instead of one where they taste sooooooo good.
Polt
So this week we’re supposed to discuss how we feel. Me, kinda meh. I’m glad I’m out there walking so much, it makes me feel better physically. I’m a bit disappointed in myself that I don’t stick to the diet regime as strictly as I’d like to be. I’ve me even more disappointed that I can’t seem to overtake Michelle M. and get that purple line on the graph all for myself! I won’t know exactly how good I’ve done, blood sugar wise, until June, but I think I’m doing well. At least I really hope so. But by and large, I’m feeling now with the contest almost over the same way I did before it began: Meh.
Ryan
I’m feeling pretty good. I ended up walking 22.8 miles on Saturday and didn’t get as sore as I have in the past. I intend to try a full marathon length walk this week. With the extra exercise, I have been slacking about keeping within my calorie budget, so my weight has been flat. Hopefully, I’ll do better with that this week.
Mr. Sombrero
WTW?! I can’t believe it’s been 2 months. I’m nowhere near my goal of 10% which bums me out, but that only means that I have only few more weeks to get (half way) there. I am constantly working out and moving, so that’s a very positive thing. And if you’re wondering, this is actually a picture of me working out. Yeah, I’m that furry.
Tam
What am I feeling? Fat depressed frustrated pig. Sigh. I have been trying to be good, and nothing is happening. Arrgghh. I really need to get back in the measure and recording groove. This week. Cross my heart. It’s tempting to just say “screw it” and eat an entire cheesecake, but I haven’t gotten there yet, at least I’m not gaining. *eye roll* Ugh.
TwoPi
Classes ended last week, course grades are filed, and I’m essentially free for the next few months to recharge mentally and gear up for fall classes. And my weight is down a bit more, which is nice. So I ought to be able to say I’m feeling great, but instead… meh. Saw my physician yesterday, who looked at my weight (and other medical issues) over the long-term, and recommended I give up caffeine, and insisted I join weight-watchers. Sigh. So today I’m feeling more like disappointed-cat or discouraged-cat. However, I couldn’t find their pictures, so instead here is a photo of ennui-cat.
And now the week’s results:
Stay tuned each Thursday for the stunning weight-loss success stories of our eight contestants. Who will win this year’s competition? Find out on May 31st … just in time for bikini season!
Just like Ross on Friends, I have a free pass list* (a celebrity free pass is an agreement between you and your significant other** that should you meet one of the five people on your list, you have free reign to get it on). Here are the lucky celebrities who may or may not have their world rocked should they happen to cross my path (or someone invents a time machine):
1. Barry Gibb (in his glory days). Who can resist gold medallions, a hairy chest and a falsetto?
2. Joe Manganiello. Joe is a classically trained American film and theatre actor. He is most known for his role as a werewolf on the series True Blood. He is active with several charities and looks good with his shirt off.
3. Cary Grant (in his heyday). So dashing and debonair. And that transatlantic accent – swoon!
4. Boris Frederic Cecil Tay-Natey Ofuatey-Kodjoe. Boris is an actor and former model. He was named one of People Magazine’s 50 Most Beautiful People in the World and that’s good enough for me.
5. Christopher Reeve (in his alive, walking around days). When I was 10 I joined the Christoper Reeve fan club. Who wouldn’t want to fly with Superman? And Somewhere in Time is one of the most romantic movies ever.
*Unlike Ross, my list is not laminated and is subject to change without notice.
*Harry is allowed to have a free pass list, too. I better not find it, though, or there will be 5 fewer celebrities in the world.
So who is on your 5 list? Let me know in comments!
Our first week is complete! Today our contestants celebrate one week into the cockiest and rudest weight loss competition evahhhh! It’s Biggest Cock & Rudest Loser 3!
Everything is easier if there’s a goal & prize in place. This week, the contestants were invited to tell us what they will do to reward themselves when they attain their weight-loss goals. Here’s what they said:
TwoPi
My mid-range goal is to lose 10% and be able to maintain that weight loss. I’m hoping to feel healthier, have better flexibility, and be able to see my doctor without having her recommend yet another fad diet. Most importantly, I don’t want to have to buy new clothes in larger sizes than what I currently wear. So I guess the prize I’m working toward is keeping my current wardrobe intact!
Mikey
My goal is to look hotter than this bitch on my wedding day. I know that’s tall order, but everyone knows I’m a bigger queen than she will ever be. I’m on my way there, too! Despite four events for Ty’s birthday (including one with a 24 course meal), I managed to lose weight this week. I’m attributing it to the flop sweat that broke out due to my extreme anxiety during planning the parties!
Mr. Sombrero
My goal is to lose 11% in this round so I can fit into my old pantalones again.
Michelle M.
Like Tam, My goal is to fit back into my jeans. I have been wearing the same pair (or sweats) for I don’t know how long. I refuse to buy more in a bigger size when I have plenty of good ones in my closet.
Tam
Hmmm. I thought about goals. New clothes? Well, that could be a necessity. Books? Ha! That’s a given. So I decided for every 10 lbs I lose I shall buy myself a lovely bouquet of flowers to remind me of what I’ve achieved. And how many bouquets do I get this week? Blerg. Thanks to traveling and eating out and receptions and booze and pastries … NADA. But I’m home next week where I can get back on the wagon, really. I think I will print out a nice flower pic and paste it to my fridge when I get home. Maybe it will help. One can only hope.
Adam
When I attain my weight-loss goal, I’m going to get a tattoo. Not as extreme as that guy … just something small on my right forearm. I’ve always wanted a tattoo, and this motivation is as good as any finally man-up and get it. Oh, and maybe I’ll go back to being a vegetarian. I’ll reward myself with tattoos and cheese! But not a tattoo of cheese.
Ryan
Whenever I reach a weight milestone, I’m rewarding myself with music. It both motivates me to stay on course with my diet and exercise and makes sure that I put thought into what music I buy. I’ve shown a few options in my photo. PS – I’m pretty sure most of this week’s weight loss was the release of excess water and glycogen from my liver that built up from the conference the weekend before we started.
Polt
So I’m supposed to talk about my “Personal Goal Prize”. Hmm, well when I win the competition, I will have lost enough weight and firmed up enough to be able to wear one of these babies! I’m not sure WHERE I’d wear it, but that’s beside the point, cause looking like that, I’m sure I’ll find no shortage of places that would WANT me to wear it! And I do hope the pouch comes in various sizes, cause I’m gonna need a bigger pouch.
And now, the week’s results:
Stay tuned each Thursday for the stunning weight-loss success stories of our nine contestants. Who will win this year’s competition? Find out on May 31st … just in time for bikini season!
There are certain brands that I always buy or order because I think that they are superior. But am I just being blindly loyal or do I really think they are the best? The only way to know is to compare them with their competitors in a blind taste test. So Harry and I decided to do just that.
We started with citrus sodas.
We tested them blindfolded to get the full soda experience.
Here is what we thought:
7up:
Michelle– it was okay – it was more limey/citrusy than the others
Harry – very sweet with a lemon/limey taste
SunDrop:
Michelle– did not like at all – it had a chemical, artificial taste
Harry – had more of an upfront sugary taste
Mello Yello:
Michelle – supersweet and articial
Harry – too sugary – not happy with that one
Sierra Mist:
Michelle – has a weird aftertaste – not very citrusy
Harry – good – lemon-limey
Sprite:
Michelle – okay, I guess
Harry – sugary – not very good
So the winner was:
Michelle – Sprite
Harry – Sierra Mist
And the loser was:
Mello Yello. We both hated it.
Next up was soup – chicken noodle.
Except for the Organic brand, they all kinda looked the same.
Some definitely had bigger chunks of chicken and carrots.
Here is what we thought:
Wolfgang Puck:
Michelle – had a weird herby taste? Maybe fennel. I hate fennel.
Harry – some saltiness, decent flavors, good
Progresso:
Michelle – had a canned taste and a sweetness – like caramelized onions
Harry – had a bright taste
Healthy Choice:
Michelle – watery, no flavor, tasteless, needs LOTS of salt
Harry – a sharp, burnt taste, tastes like catfood, canned tuna, weird, blech
Campbell’s:
Michelle – had a weird taste – like dirt. It’s the worst!!
Harry – had a sharp, herb taste, pungent. It’s better than catfood.
Organic:
Michelle – alright. The chicken was dry
Harry – the chicken was big, not as salty. The flavors come through.
And the winner was:
Soup in a box! We both chose the Organic brand
*Of course, the best chicken soup is my own not in the running homemade
(even when I forget to add in the celery).
The loser was:
Michelle – Campbell’s. The next day we got this coupon in the mail.
Maybe I should ask for a a refund…
Harry – Healthy Choice.
Which cracked me up because he bought a case of it at Costco.
We didn’t want to confuse out palates, so we saved salsa for last.
As you can see, Chachies is the brand we usually buy.
So how did our favorite measure up?
Rojo’s:
Michelle – good heat, too vinegary. I would not buy this.
Harry – was the spiciest heatwise – had strange tastes
Margaritaville:
Michelle – had a strong cilantro flavor. Not much heat. Was mushy in texture (except for some crunchy onion bits)
Harry – not too much tomato taste. Had more of a vinegar pickle relish taste
Chachies:
Michelle – tomatoey, nice heat. I like it.
Harry – Lots of tomato flavor. Not as hot as some of the others.
Santa Barbara:
Michelle – Had an oregano or thyme? flavor
Harry – Had some heat, a vinegar taste, muddled flavors
Sabra:
Michelle – nice, had an herby taste, not much heat, tastes like something you’d get at a restaurant
Harry – okay. More herby than the others.
So which salsa came out ahead?
Just like Joanie, we love Chachies!
And we both rated Rojo’s last. Ay caramba.
So, do you have a favorite soda, soup or salsa? And are you sure?
Maybe you should have a taste test of your own…
Make sure to join us next time in the M. test kitchen as we taste the letter P!
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Stuff I daydream about.
Life is harsh. Sometimes the best thing to do is slip into a nice daydream. Here’s just some of the stuff I like to imagine while I’m stargazing, woolgathering or just plain avoiding reality.
My most frequent daydream is of winning the mega millions lottery.
But The Publisher’s Clearing House prize would do just fine. I’m not picky.
After I win my millions, Harry and I will travel. Some of the places I fantasize about going to are Fiji (or any tropical island, really), Santorini, Austria, Australia, The U.K., Copenhagen and Belgium (I hear they make a good french fry…).
I like to pretend that I’m a ballerina. And not just a ballerina, but a prima ballerina assoluta.
I also like to daydream that I’m a singer/songwriter with a multi-octave range.
Here I am performing at one of my sold out concerts.
One of my favorite sports is figure skating. I like to imagine what music I would skate to, what costumes I would wear and what it would feel like to win an Olympic gold medal (in my head I have also won the gold in equestrian events, diving, skiing and gymnastics).
Have you heard? I’m (supposed to be) writing a novel. Of course, I like to think it will be a #1 best selling book. It will, of course, be optioned for a movie. And I’ll have so much fun traveling around the country staying in 5 star hotels and doing book signings. Make sure you come out to see me when I come to a bookstore near you!
Naturally I’ll win a best screenplay Oscar when I adapt my book for film. I’ll receive a standing ovation for my humble and humorous, yet touching acceptance speech.
Once I win the Oscar, maybe they’ll give me a whack at writing that Wonder Woman movie I’ve been waiting for…
All my daydreams aren’t frivolous, though. Sometimes I pretend that I’ve come up with the cure for cancer, paralysis or any other number of illnesses/diseases. The Nobel prize, Time cover for Person of the Year, money and accolades will all be secondary to the knowledge that I am helping the human race.
Some of my daydreams are actually attainable. I often wish that my house was sparkling clean, my laundry and ironing is all done, the cupboards and refrigerator are filled with food, and I’m at my goal weight. Then I can completely relax while watching movies and reading a stack of books guilt-free.
So what do you like to daydream about? Flying to the moon? Scoring the game winning touchdown? Being the homecoming queen? Stealing Mr. Sombrero away from Adam? Let me know in comments!
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